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I am sorry for not loving myself enough  to leave sooner.

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Wenn du jemanden liebst, dann gibst du ihn nicht einfach auf. Wenn du jemanden liebst, dann ersetzt du diese Person nicht einfach. Wenn du jemanden wirklich liebst, dann kämpfst du. Du vergisst diese Person nicht. Du möchtest diese Person glücklich sehen und das mit jeder Faser deines Körpers. Du möchtest, dass es der Person gut geht, auch wenn du nicht der Grund dafür bist. Es wird dich zerreissen dies zu sehen, es macht dich kaputt, du wirst weinen, aber du hörst nicht auf zu lieben. Du wirst weiterhin hoffen, hoffen, dass deine Liebe erwidert wird. Wenn du liebst, dann liebst du alles. Du liebst den kleinen Leberfleck am Hals, den diese Person hat, du liebst das Funkeln in den Augen, dass sie hat, wenn sie über etwas redet, was sie liebt. Du liebst das Parfüm welches den kompletten Raum erfüllt wenn die Person ihn betritt. Du liebst das Lachen der Person und wünschtest du wärst für immer der Grund dafür. Wenn du liebst, oh ja wenn du liebst, dann hast du nur Augen für diese Person, es gibt nur diese. Wenn du liebst, lässt du nicht los, egal was kommt, du lässt die Person nicht fallen, nur weil nicht gerade alles gut läuft. Du bleibst. Du liebst. Irgendwann wirst du eines Morgens aufwachen und bemerken, dass die Person nicht mehr dein 1. Gedanke ist und erst dann ist es vorbei. Es endet nicht, wenn du es erzwingst, denn dann war es nie Liebe. Es war keine Liebe, wenn du es unterdrückst und es wirklich verschwindet oder du jemanden neuen findest in dieser Zeit. Es dauert. Wochen. Monate. Jahre. Ja, es dauert Jahre, jemanden zu vergessen, für den man alles getan hätte.

Drunkkzayn

[ley-44]

“Heartbreak never truly goes away. Eventually, you stop crying yourself to sleep and the self-blame will dim. The questions as to why you weren’t good enough along with all that lost time spent in the shower retracing your last conversation will also stop too. However, it will not be easy. You are still going to wake up with them in your mind for weeks to come and similarly, they will be all you can think about before you sleep. Heartbreak is a bit like love in that respect, you think about them constantly except the thoughts are painful this time around. Indeed, there are moments where you find shelter from these thoughts, a hot chocolate with a friend or an essay that requires your full attention. Your favourite song will come on but then that shuffled sad song will follow and trigger the thoughts all over again. This is inevitable so when it catches you off guard, let it all out. Do all you must to wash away the sadness. Call a friend, bake some cookies, go and lie on the floor with your dog and tell him you’re glad he wouldn’t ever hurt you like this. Your heart will miss them so much it will use any excuse to search for them. The same model car they have will drive by while you are laughing away with your friends and suddenly you cannot breathe. You might see someone with the same curly hair or the way the person sitting in front of you on the bus drums their fingers to a song will remind you of them. This too, is inevitable. Try to appreciate these small quirks because regardless of where you have ended up, these were once pieces of a puzzle that led to you falling in love and that is a beautiful thing. Most importantly of all, you are going to want to run to them. You are going to want to share your day- whether it be good or bad- purely out of habit. You will miss the way they told you terrible jokes or sent you pictures of your favourite breed dog just to bring a smile to your face for the first time that day. You will miss how excited they got when you were excited- how happy they got when you were happy. Allow yourself to grieve this absence but remind yourself that they aren’t the only person who would be willing to devote so much effort to cheering you up. Let your loved ones know you’re sad and soak in the warmth of their kind words. And then, suddenly, a few weeks have passed and you think of them for the first time in three days and you realise that you are healing. You start to fill your time with people and things that make you happy. You suddenly crave adventure and new experiences and anything that makes you feel alive again. You stop beating yourself up and start to defend your corner like you are your own best friend. You put your hands up and admit your contribution to the downfall of it all but the difference is, you refuse to defend them any longer. You validate your pain and tell yourself that it is okay to hurt and that you just need time- the art of healing requires the same patience as a few broken bones. The bond with your friends will strengthen if you let them in- please let them in. Spend time with them and regularly express how much you appreciate them. Feel good about telling loved ones that you love them. Do not shy away from this term because your heart is broken. Please remind yourself that this is not the end for you. Do not console yourself with the whole there are other fish in the sea rubbish because I know that despite how much pain they have caused, you still want them and you will continue to want them for a very long time. Instead, console yourself with the thought that your heart may be in two right now but bones do that sometimes and with a little support, healing is inevitable. My darling, to break may not be beautiful while you’re going through it but it is, don’t you see? Even a glow stick has to crack to shine; think of how proud you will be when one day you can smile at yourself in the mirror and mean it again.”

— Heartbreak 101.

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A

“She will miss you for a while- fill herself with nostalgia and wishing and wanting and hoping until it brims full over. She will walk to the top of a hill on a summer’s day and wish you were there. There will be moments where she can barely contain herself. There will be moments where she will only want your arms, and your laugh and your voice saying it’ll be okay. And in those moments she will feel as though her whole world was breaking apart and nothing would make it alright again. She will look for you in other eyes, green - or other mouths - or other bodies. But they’ll never quite be right. Because they’ll never quite be you. And then one day she will say to herself: “enough is enough”. And at first it’ll just be words. And she’ll still miss you. And she’ll still hurt. But - over time it’ll start to hurt less, until it stops hurting at all. And if, after all of that, you decide to walk back into her life - you ought to know that she won’t let you back in. And if you never come back - you ought to know that she won’t care.”

— Sue Zhao

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“In what world can lovers be friends Could you handle the gossip of who I went home with last night Would you want to discuss details of how I am falling for another How he is Prince Charming and doesn’t toy with my trust What if I told you, over coffee and chai lattes that I am meeting his parents and I need you to help with my nerves Could you handle how he loves taking photos of me and blasts it all over social media Wouldn’t it hurt you and fill you with regret that he does all that you once didn’t and he is the reason behind the smile you always loved Wouldn’t it be like salt to the wound that I’ve achieved happiness Happiness that I searched for from you but could not find?”

— Run yourself a bloodbath, (ms, 2018)

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“Physically, he’s gone” she said. “But really, he’s still here and I don’t know when the day will come where he won’t be. He’s in every song, in every movie, in every lonely car ride, in every afternoon walk, in the quiet moments at work, in the showers I now take without him. He’s everywhere, and I want to hold onto the memories I have with him, but I also wish I could escape them”

- Bittersweet battles (ms, 2018)

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one day you will know

“Eines Tages wirst du dich daran erinnern wie sehr ich dich geliebt habe und dich dafür hassen, dass du mich gehen gelassen hast.”

— Drake (via heavenly-paradise)

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Close the book. Don‘t turn the page.

“None of his words matter now. He made his choice, and now I’m making mine. This is my agony. He told me we could be friends, and in my need of him I agreed time and time again. Now the hurt outweighs the need, and missing him means less and less with each passing day. We can’t be friends. I can’t be friends with someone who meant so much to me. I can’t bear the thought of seeing him with another girl, nor can I bear the thought of distant friendship with my once greatest confidant. He told me that this was a new chapter, but now I would rather have the end. This chapter’s only been laced with words I wished I hadn’t heard him say, actions that felt personal. I can’t make it through this chapter. I’m writing the ending.”

— december 14, 2017. i still haven’t written that ending.

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“i continued to love you, even after you broke my heart because you were my first love and i didn’t know what it is that you’re supposed to do with all that love resting in your hands when you cannot give it to the person you first fell in love with.”

— first love.

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One of the biggest keys to surviving your 20’s is Learning how to move on. Move on from old friends, lovers & bad situations.

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healing process

“I don’t think anyone really knows how to let go” she said. “You just make a choice: Continue in this toxic cycle or break it. Nobody knows how to do it. You wake up and allow the sadness to pour out of you like rainfall but then find the strength to go about your day. It’s surrounding yourself with friends even though you want to go back to bed and cry. It’s about not texting him back when he begs for another chance, but then also not beating yourself up when you call him three times because you miss the sound of his voice. It’s about reminding yourself, constantly, repeatedly, that he isn’t going to change for you and that he hurt you over and over and over. You have to make active choices everyday. Some days you won’t get out of bed, some days you’ll step into the shower but you won’t wash yourself - you’ll just let the water burn your skin, you’ll eat a cookie for breakfast because that’s all you can stomach. But you know what, they are all small steps. And that’s all you can take. Is small steps. Celebrate those small steps and before you know it, you’ll have done what you thought you couldn’t do”

- small steps baby (ms, 2018)

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The hardest part is actually taking action. Leaving the people you say you’re going to leave. Leaving the place you thought you’d always stay. But that’s the only way to heal. To take action. Hard as it may be, everything starts with action.

I need to heal (via toexist265)

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“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”

Thich Nhat Hanh (via goodreadss)

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To everyone wondering if they will ever move on. Yes, you will. It will take you some time. By ‘some time’ I mean a long time. It won’t be easy. In fact, it will probably be the hardest thing you’ll have to go through. Moving on is messy. It is either being too happy or too sad at 3am. It is laughing till your stomach aches, or crying till there are no more tears to be cried and you just feel dead inside. Moving on is the shaking of your hands and the breaking of your voice when you realise that there will never be a them and you again. Moving on is wondering what you did wrong and why you just weren’t good enough for them. Moving on also means eating less and drinking more alcohol than you should. It also means stopping everything that you’re doing and thinking about them. Actually, you will think about them a lot. You will see their favourite restaurant and you will think of them. You will hear their favourite song and you will think of them. You will look at your coffee and the shade of brown will resemble the colour of their eyes. At one point they will be all you think about. It starts the moment you wake up and never ends because even in your dreams they will be haunting you. But one day you will wake up and you will feel okay. The next day you will feel more than just okay, you will be fine. You will think of them still, yes. But it’s going to be a different kind of thinking. It will be a “wherever they are, I hope that they are fine and happy” kind of thinking. You will have moved on. You will have survived this hell. You will slowly but surely forget them more and more each day, and forgetting will never have felt that sweet. But you have to let yourself hurt before you can heal, remember. To everyone wondering if they will ever move on, you will.

e.s. // to everyone wondering if they will ever move on. (via pessimisticandrealistic)

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In what world can lovers be friends Could you handle the gossip of who I went home with last night Would you want to discuss details of how I am falling for another How he is Prince Charming and doesn’t toy with my trust What if I told you, over coffee and chai lattes that I am meeting his parents and I need you to help with my nerves Could you handle how he loves taking photos of me and blasts it all over social media Wouldn’t it hurt you and fill you with regret that he does all that you once didn’t and he is the reason behind the smile you always loved Wouldn’t it be like salt to the wound that I’ve achieved happiness Happiness that I searched for from you but could not find?

Run yourself a bloodbath, (ms, 2018)

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sleeping is nice until u wake up and realize ur still sad lol