letterstoharryy

[letterstoharryy]

2.5.14

Dear Harry, Happy New Year? I know it's been longer than awhile. I'm sorry for not writing. I've just been lost on what to write to you about. I don't want to write you and tell you I woke up, went to school, came home and slept. Not very interesting. But, I have found something to write about. It's kind of a big deal, considering I really haven't discussed this with anyone. Just myself. Here it goes... I think I'm in love, H. I'm in love with this guy who makes me so happy even when we don't talk. I don't know when I figured it out, really. I think after realizing that I find myself thinking about him a lot and wanting to make him happy, I realized I really, really like him. I'm scared to use the word love. I mean, I'm only 16 for Christ's sake. But the feeling I have towards him is so different than feelings I've had towards other guys. He's so perfect, H, and I'm so...well...not. I want to make him happy and smile and laugh, and I want to kiss him when he's upset and hold his hand when I want to. The first thing that pops into my head is "oh he would find this funny" or, "this reminds me of the time we did this" and I can't stop these thoughts. He occupies my mind all the time, and it's overwhelming. In a good way, though. The most important part of it, is that he makes me so fucking happy, Harry. He makes me happy by just being in my life. If all we do in this relationship is stay friends, I'd be okay with that. Whenever I'm with him I just smile the whole time and want to listen to every word he's saying because he's so cute and I want to know him better than I know myself. Hell, I know everyone better than I know myself. Just the mention of his name can make me all giddy inside. I just really like this guy, H. I want him to know, but I'm not really sure how it'll all work out. I'm just really scared of rejection. Not only would he reject me, but our friendship would probably end too. I don't want to do that. I've got to take a chance though. I can't continue to wallow in "what could of been". I'll figure something out. Hopefully. I hope you're well, Harry. I bought my tickets to see you the day after my 17th birthday! Hopefully I'll meet you and give you all the letters I will have written. I'm 5 rows away from the stage! I can't wait to see you that close. One of the reasons I'm still here will be so close to me. I love you so much. Thank you for helping me through another day, H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

12.3.13

Dear Harry, It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm really sorry I haven't written you in a while. I'm not going to lie and say I was busy, because that's only half true. I'm really not sure why I haven't written, but I'm sorry it's been over a month. Things have been good and bad, I guess you could say. I am really happy with my friendships with people right now and I couldn't be more thankful for the people I've surrounded myself with. But, there's always something that makes me sad and angry, isn't there? Lately I haven't been bad, or had bad feelings. Except Sunday night, that was pretty bad. It was really bad, H. If someone would have seen me, I'm sure I would've been taken to some hospital. I had around 4-5 panic attacks within 3 hours. I couldn't stop crying and I don't know why, really. I guess I've just been keeping too many things bottled up, and they just exploded. I was hysterical. I was breaking things left and right, and almost put a hole in the wall in the hallway leading to my room. I'm scared of myself when I'm like that, because I lose initial control of my body, almost like I'm drunk, and I do things without thinking. I don't feel apart of my body, I feel like I'm hovering over my body and just watching. That's the worst part I think. The breaking things wasn't as bad as what I didn't when I had my third panic attack. I locked myself in the bathroom and turned on the fan to drown out my crying so my mom couldn't hear, and I cut myself. I cut myself so many times, and I couldn't stop. I watched myself slash the sides of my arm repeatedly, and I couldn't stop. I didn't feel like I was doing it to myself. And the worst part it, no one knows I did it. I didn't realize how hard it is to cover them up, H. I don't have bracelets, so I've been wearing long sleeves, but it's so damn hot here that I have to deal with the heat just so people don't start talking. I don't want to be known as the "depressed" girl at school, and I don't want people thinking of me differently. It's been so hard hiding the cuts, I don't know how people haven't noticed something's up. I'm just scared my mom or dad are going to see them and fuck, Harry, I don't want to put them through that. I just want to be happy, you know? It's hard, but I'm trying. I'm just trying to get through the days until they aren't as noticeable. I don't want to do this to myself again, H. I'm trying so hard to be okay, when sometimes I'm just the opposite. I want to get better. I'm trying, I promise. Thank you for helping me through another day, H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.28.13

Dear Harry, Hey. I'm not sure what to say, H. I haven't written in a week, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I'm so happy. But I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I'm so happy. I have had the best last few days. I have surrounded myself with great people and I haven't stopped smiling for a week. And I just love being happy and laughing and smiling and not thinking about the bad. I'm so scared though, H. I'm scared that everything is going to collapse around me any day. This always happens. Everything is going great, then something bad happens. I don't want to get back into those dark thoughts and start bad habits again. Don't let me hurt myself and sink back down, H. I don't want to hurt you. I love you so much. Thanks for helping me through another day, H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.21.13

Dear Harry, I'm tired. I'm tired emotionally. I'm tired physically and tired of everything. I look sad all the time, and I know everyone sees it. It's now just a matter of how long I can keep up the "I'm just tired" excuse. I'm not even sure why I'm sad. I have great, like really great friends and an amazing family. I don't get bullied at school anymore. It's just a constantly dark cloud hanging over me. I'm just sad, H. That's it. Just sad. And I'm so scared too, H. I'm so scared I'm going to relapse back to old habits and thoughts. I can feel myself edging closer and closer to relapsing. That's what I'm most scared of, H. I am so scared and I don't know what to do. It's not like I can just stop myself from doing it. It's going to happen one of these days. It's just a matter of when. I think if I relapse, and it's bad, I could be admitted into a hospital. I've gotten worse, Harry, but I don't want anyone to know that. There's voices in my head all the time, and they say things to me. The voice is all so familiar, because it's my own. I am hurting myself, not just physically, but verbally too. I tell myself things and I do them. I tell myself "cut your wrists, you deserve it", and I do it. I can't stop listening to the voice, I can't stop the voice. It's there, in the middle of the night telling me everything wrong with my life. It's there when I'm enjoying my time with friends, telling me I'm a horrible person. Do you think I'm a horrible person, H? I don't want you to think that of me. Harry, I need you to help me through this. If I relapse, I want you to still be here for me. You've helped me through so much already, please don't let me go, Harry. I am so scared. I love you so much. Help me, H. Please. Thank you for helping me through another day, H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.17.13

Dear Harry, Today was great. I can't recall one thing that made me upset, to be honest. School was fine, nothing too special. It went by super fast too, and a bunch of people think I have Ashton Irwin's number which is funny. I went to a volleyball game tonight for my friend Chelsea. It was the last game of the season and it was against our school's rivals. It was so much fun and I had a great time. The cheers are my favorite because we just tell insults at the other team which is rude, but hey, sports aren't all nice and sweet. It was such a fun thing to do with my night, rather than sit at home and think about things that would make me upset. There was a suspected shooting tonight really close to campus, I'm watching the news right now to keep up with that story. It's been almost 2 years since I last attempted suicide. I didn't think I would make it this far, but I am so glad I did. I'm so thankful with the new people I've surrounded myself with. I'm also thankful for you, H. You and the boys helped me through so much and I just can't thank you enough. Remember when I wrote to you about a new tattoo? The next day there were pictures of your new tattoo. I know it had no connections to this, but I like to think it did. I can hope, can't it? Thanks for helping me through another day(and almost 2 years!!!), H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.16.13

Dear Harry, You would not believe how many people had birthdays today. My phone was constantly buzzing with Facebook notifications telling me to wish people a "happy birthday". Other than the overload of birthdays, nothing really happened today. Oh yeah, except for the fact that I took the PSAT and pretty sure I did horrible. I fought again with my dad about Zombiecon; except this time it wasn't as bad, just arguing. I told him that I didn't like the fact that he was taking Tiffany to Pittsburgh. I wish I could say I felt a little weight off my shoulders, but I still don't. There's still so much to tell him, but I just can't. He kept asking me what was wrong but I just don't know what to say. Also, I talked about college with him. I have mixed feelings towards the thought of college. I want to leave and make new friends at a new place and start over, but I'm scared of actually being on my own. I really want to be a live music promoter, and you don't need any formal education to do the job. But, I do want to go to college, so I am. I am thinking about majoring in Public Relations and maybe doing a minor in Business and Marketing. I'm not exactly sure yet, but I have been looking into it all. I've always wanted to do something in the music industry. I used to want to sing and perform, but realizing how bad of a singer I am, I decided promoting live music would be ideal. Maybe one day I could promote your concert if you ever go solo. Maybe we'd finally meet. I can dream, can't I? I've been tired a lot lately. Not sure why. I haven't cut in a while, so that's always a good thing. I think about doing it a lot, but sometimes I don't. There's this poem that someone wrote, I'll try to find it and put it in a letter one day. It's about when you hurt yourself, you're hurting someone else, or something along those lines. I always think of the fact that I'm hurting you. But, how could I be hurting you if you don't know me? I don't want to hurt you, Harry. Ever. I think the worst part is trying to be okay about everything. I am not okay. I have days where it's not so bad, but other days where I want to do something to myself. Bad things. I don't want to relapse Harry. It's been around 2 years since I last attempted. I don't want to go back to those days, H. Please help me. Don't let me go. Thanks for helping me through another day, H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.15.13

Dear Harry, Today was super easy at school. My World History teacher played a bunch of oldies and I was singing along the whole time. In TV Production we watched an episode of Dateline NBC, and I think I've become obsessed with the show. In Spanish we had a sub, so we did nothing. I just sat on my phone and worked on a packet. I got into a fight with my dad, again. He won't let me go to Zombiecon which is downtown because there won't be any adults. He then proceeded to call me a "little girl", when clearly, I am not. He always wants me to act mature and like an adult, but he never gives me situations where I can show him I can act like one. I have been downtown so many times before, so I don't see why being there by myself is such an issue. I'm 16 years old, not 12. I am pretty sure I can handle it for a few hours. I called my mom about all of it to see what she would say, and it turned into a conversation about Tiffany. It all went downhill from there. I, then, started to have a breakdown outside of my friends house. It was embarrassing, yes, but I guess I felt better after it. Not fully, but it let off some steam. It's sad that just mentioning how angry I am at this whole situation can bring me to hysteria in only a few minutes of talking about it. I've been so good about not crying in front of people lately. Sometimes, I just blow it. I always used to cry in front of people in elementary. The littlest thing would make me cry and people would laugh at me, so I tried stopping myself. Now, I don't cry in front of people. Sometimes I will, but it's rarely ever. I tell people that "I just can't" but it's really just my mind telling me "You're such a little bitch, Tess." "Stop crying, don't make yourself look like more of an idiot than you already are." Some days the 'voice' or whatever is nicer than other days. Sometimes I wish I could cry in front of people, but I want to save myself the humiliation. I like not crying in front of people, it doesn't make me look as weak as I really am. But when it's 1:43 in the morning and I think about everything, I wish all the tears of everything I've kept bottled up instead didn't all come at once. But, life never works out how you want it to, right? I at least hope you're having a good day. I love you so much, H. You are my only source of positivity right now. Don't let me do something stupid that I will regret, okay, H? I think I might relapse soon. Don't let that happen to me, please. Help me. Thank you for helping me through another day, H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.14.13

Dear Harry, Once again, I'm sorry I haven't been writing everyday. Sometimes it's hard over the weekend when I'm at friends houses and such. I hope you don't mind. It's weird that I write to you like you're a close friend of mine. Truth is, you have no idea I exist. Or maybe you do, I'm not sure. Maybe you know I exist from the one time you had my number, but you probably forgot about that. You get girls numbers everyday, what makes me any different? I just want you to notice me, Harry. Today was normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Every day that gets closer to when my dad takes Tiffany to Pittsburgh, I get angrier and angrier. I don't know how to tell him that it's not fair to me that she has to go meet my family when he just told me about their relationship. Regardless if I knew a year before he told me, it's just not fair that he's taking her up there. I don't know, H. I really don't know what to do. What would you do? I wish writing to you wasn't like talking to a wall. I wish you could hear me, but I'm just another voice in the millions of others you hear. I hope Australia is treating you well. I hope the shows aren't getting boring, just more entertaining. Have you gotten any new tattoos that can't be seen by the public eye yet? Some of your tattoos I really don't understand, but they are for your own personal meaning. Maybe one day I'll find out the story behind each one. I'd love that. Thanks for helping through another day, H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.09.13

Dear Harry, I wish I could tell you something interesting about today, but there is really nothing. School went by really fast, and I am not complaining. I got a 97 on my Algebra II quiz and I actually squealed. I was very proud of myself; little accomplishments mean a lot to me. I watched a documentary on Netflix about bullying, and it was brilliant. It's called Bully, and I really think you should watch it if you haven't already. It's about 5 families who child has been or is going through bullying. Three of the families' children are still alive and facing their bullying issues different ways. The other two families' children have taken their own lives; one 17 and one 11. 11 years old, can you believe that? He was hurting so much that he left at 11. He never got to see what being a teenager is like. Bullying is a huge problem and schools are doing nothing about it, H. It takes someone taking their own life away for someone to do something. Isn't that sad? So many people are resorting to harming themselves and developing disorders because of how other people treat them. I, myself, being a victim of bullying since elementary know how hard it is to get through one day at a time. So many times I tried taking my own life, and now that I'm away from the hell hole I was in from 1st grade to 8th grade, I realize how much better life is. I am not completely happy, but I am definitely not how I was back then. It hurts to know that people are leaving before their lives are starting. I just wish people thought about how their actions could affect someone. I hope you're enjoying your few days off, I love you so much. Thanks for helping me through another day, H. Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.08.13

Dear Harry,

I’m sorry I forgot to write to you yesterday, I feel bad. Nothing interesting happened today. School went by really fast and I changed my username on twitter 3 times in 15 minutes. Not very interesting, but that’s all I can say about today.

My dad was off of work today and he came home at four and I woke up from my nap like he told me to, but we didn’t do anything. I went back to sleep and every time I woke up, he’d still be on his phone. He talked on the phone with Tiffany five times today, and it’s weird because what the hell could you be talking about? He updates her on everything that is going on about me, too. I don’t want her to know what I’m doing. She’s nothing to me, except a burden in my already messed up, stressful life. My dad blamed me for us not being able to go out to dinner because I didn’t wake up at 4, which I did. He didn’t talk to me at all, he didn’t even eat dinner with me because he was too busy texting Tiffany. I feel like she’s taking control of how he is living and I’m not okay with that. And I’m not okay that he’s going along with it either. It’s not like I can do anything though, he won’t listen to anyone but himself.

I miss my mom, Harry. She’s only been gone for a few days and I already need her home. She comes back on Saturday, so I’m trying my hardest to not break down at my dad’s while she’s away. I hope I can make it. You’ll help me through it though, H. You always do.

There isn’t even enough words to explain how much you help me. You help me through the smallest things like feeling sad about someone being rude, to helping me not hurt myself like I sometimes do. Does it hurt you when I hurt myself, Harry? I don’t want it to, I just want to hurt me, never you. I don’t think it hurts you, because you don’t even know me. But it’s okay, I’m not worth knowing when you could meet all these people with way more interesting lives than mine.

Sorry today’s letter is so short, I tried making the most out of the minimal events that happened today. I love you.

Thanks for helping me through another day, H.

Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.06.13

Dear Harry,

I’m so sorry I haven’t written to you in a few days. I have been in and out of my house and I just haven’t had time to write. I would tell myself to write you, but I would just forget until the next morning.

Nothing has really happened since I wrote you last. I got more cards from family members and I already started saving up money for the WWA tour. I’m going to meet you Harry, I promise. I spent the weekend with my friends and my grandparents. Both of my parents are out of town this weekend. Well, my dad is, but he’s coming home late tonight. My mom is out of town until Saturday. I don’t know how I’m going to stay at my dads for this long without breaking down. I love him and all, it’s just I constantly feel like I’m never good enough. Sometimes I think he wants to leave and move somewhere up north with his girlfriend. I hope he never does that to me. I know it’s bad that I think he would do that considering he does so much for me, but I just have a feeling. I don’t think anything is wrong about having a certain feeling about something, you know? Maybe you don’t know. Sorry I always talk about my dad, it’s just how he acts and does certain things is what causes me to lose it with him. I don’t want to break down all the time, Harry. It’s not fun at all.

He always pries me about why I look “sad”. He always pushes me to tell him why I’m sad. Sometimes I don’t even know, Harry. I’m just sad. Sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on in my head, so how does he expect me to convey what is going on in my head if I can’t even understand it. It sucks.

I hope you’re not sad, Harry. I don’t want you to be. I want you to be happy for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy; you make so many people happy. You make me happy. I haven’t cut in a while because of you. I hope that makes you feel better if you’re ever down. I cut a few weeks ago and I’m so sorry I did it, Harry. I wasn’t thinking and I was angry and I just did it. It hurt. I’m sorry if I hurt you.

I hope you and the boys are doing well. I’ve been watching videos of you all in Australia, and you’ve been doing great. I like how full of life you are on stage, I can tell doing all this makes you happy. At least I think so.

Thank you for helping me through another day, H.

Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.02.13

Dear Harry,

Today is my birthday! I turned 16, but it doesn’t feel any different than 15. Today was really cool because people I don’t even talk to were saying happy birthday to me and that made me happy. I got an 81 on that Spanish oral I was nervous about. Five people voted me for homecoming court which is funny because I’m not going this year. It’s also nice because that’s as many votes as I’ll ever get.

I got a GoPro camera from my dad and it’s really interesting. I am looking forward to using it underwater. I’ve always loved underwater videography and photography. I got an iPad mini from my mom and she made me a jean jacket with the 5SOS logo on it. I love everything I got.

Everyone kept telling me how proud they were of me. Especially my dad. I don’t know why, really. Maybe he thought I wasn’t going to make it to this birthday or maybe because I’ve come so far since last summer. Without you, the boys, and some special people I have in my life, I don’t think I would’ve been here today. Being alive today made me realize that life is a gift and even when it gets hard, you’ll find your guiding light. You’re mine. I guess I’m proud of myself for staying alive this long. I want to see 17 and 18 and 19 and 20. I want to see what life has in store for me. I’m too young to leave when my life hasn’t even started. I guess I’m getting better. I don’t know if I’ll be this way tomorrow. I guess we’ll find out.

I hope you had an awesome show tonight and you killed it. You always do.

Thanks for helping me through another day(and to 16), H.

Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

10.01.13

Dear Harry,

Today went by so fast. Faster than usual, anyways. I didn’t really have a down part of today. All my classes were easy and I even got away with not doing my algebra homework. I know I should do it, I just forgot my workbook in my locker. Homework is lame and so is school, but I want to leave Florida, so I’m doing all I can to get a scholarship.

When I got home I got a letter from my dad’s girlfriend. I don’t like her at all. She’s annoying and I feel like I’m talking to a 17 year old girl when I have a conversation with her. I don’t understand how and why my dad would go from someone as amazing as my mom to her. I really don’t want to open the card because I don’t want her in my life. She ruined my parents marriage, and I can’t forgive her or my dad for that. I have a feeling she’s moving in, but my dad won’t tell me until a week before I’m guessing. He doesn’t understand that he can’t keep this to himself; it’s affecting my life too. If she does move in, I think I might move out for a little bit. I just can’t stay where I’m uncomfortable, or else I’ll revert back to how I was two years ago. I don’t want to do that.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I feel like I should be more excited, but I’m just so nervous about this Spanish oral. I regret taking Spanish 2 my first year of high school, but then again I don’t. I just hope everything goes okay tomorrow. I made so many drafts of tweets for you to follow me. I really hope you do.

I hope you and the boys are having fun. Don’t dye your hair crazy like Michael does. No one would forgive you; but I guess I would. I’d love you no matter what. I really shouldn’t because you’ll never know I exist, but I do anyways. It’s okay though. I know you’ll find someone who loves you better than I ever will.

Thanks for helping me through another day, H.

Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

9.30.13

Dear Harry,

Today was kind of lame; nothing exciting happened. I didn’t have to do my Spanish oral today, which I���m mixed emotions about. I didn’t want to go and embarrass myself in front of a bunch of kids older than me, but now I have to go on my birthday.

My birthday is Wednesday and I’m turning 16. Such a weird age, really. You’re legal to drive by yourself, unless you’re like me and wait 10 months to get your permit. Oh well, guess that’s life. I’m not sure if I’m excited for my birthday since I didn’t really ask for anything. To be honest, I just want a promise that my parents will let me drive to where ever you’ll be on tour in Florida and try and find you. I just want to meet you.

You still haven’t talked about the whole picture with Paige thing, which I understand. It’s not like you need to, it’s your life. I just kind of want to know what’s going through your head during this, but that’s why you have your journal. I want to read it one day, but that’s your own personal thoughts and I would never trespass on your thoughts.

I hope you’re having an amazing time in Australia; I’ve always wanted to go there. I hope the boys are well too, and Louis gets his voice back. You seem so happy on stage and I’m so glad I’ve seen you be that way. I hope you’re that way all the time.

Thanks for helping me through another day, H.

Yours truly, T.

[letterstoharryy]

9.29.13

Dear Harry,

Today is the first day I’m writing to you. I’m going to write to you everyday until I meet you, then I’m going to give these letters to you.

Today someone leaked a picture of you and a girl kissing on Instagram. I was sad. Very sad. Then I realized that he posted it to blackmail you; and I felt worse. How could someone be so rude to you? You are the best thing and I don’t see why someone felt the need to do that to you. You don’t deserve this. I’m sorry someone did that to you.

Nothing really happened today besides that. I hope you’re well.

Thank you for helping me through another day, H.

Yours truly, T.