leothecloud

[leothecloud]

Items I’ve found help with Anxiety~

Weighted plushies- cheaper than the blankets and are best to cuddle or hold on top of your chest if you need more weight. Great alternative to blankets if you prefer not to be completely covered by weight.

Kinetic Sand- a nice sensory item to have at home. I also keep a portion in a small tupaware container on my desk or if I want to take it somewhere in a backpack I can have it.

Stress Balls- Yes, they are generic and basic. However, there are a wide variety of sizes, shapes, and variations from hard to soft. They are easily transported for on the go and nice to have in general.

Fidget Spinners/Cubes- Another basic choice I know! It's a good minor distraction if you need to focus on something else. It's temporary and short lived but can still be useful.

Jelly Cubes- A mimic of ice cubes. Rubbery jelly-like cubes that you can put in the fridge/freezer and take out if you need that fix. Its useful if you've ever self-harmed. There isn't a watery mess like a regular ice cube.

Stretchers- Any sensory item that you can stretch or pull. Keeps your hands busy.

Music- A fundamental for most people to cope with their emotions. However, I recommend being careful with the songs you listen to depending on your individual personality. I've met people who listen to songs during self-harm or when they are being self destructive. I'd avoid those so you don't end up feeding into the pain and making it worse if that's what easily happens to you. You want to help your emotions and calm down not prolong the pain.

Books, comics, or reading- an easy way to distract yourself and focus on something in front of you.

Plushies(stuffed animals)- good companions to be beside you in the moment at home if you have panic attacks. Its nice to just have a friend even if it isn't a person there with you in tough moments.

Clickers- things that click/make noises.

Video Games- A good way to be present in the moment and focus on something you can do here and now and enjoy.

Warm or cold Showers- a self-soothing technique. Five minutes for freezing water if you need it severely cold.

Water- for panic attacks.

Breathing techniques- you can easily find posters with them on it or information online so you have a coping skill to use when you begin to feel a panic or anxiety attack coming

[leothecloud]

Trans hate happens in different ways. I want to shed light on that because I think people mainly hear about assault on us and more physical types of violence or our rights being hurt or taken away. Non transfolk do not realize that it expands beyond those things. Transphobia comes in many shapes and forms.

I was glared at last night by a couple in the emergency room the whole time I was in the waiting area. There were no words said. There wasn't any actions taken. However, the intent was clear. They clocked me and made sure I knew it. The goal is discomfort.

My mother saying she then he and then finally calling me it all in a matter of seconds is still a form of transphobia. She had it right the second time she corrected herself but she still had to recorrect herself. She still had to jab that in there. Almost as if she couldn't help herself.

Transphobia is dead naming. Transphobia is misusing pronouns and glaring people down. Its your friends saying they're supportive but make little effort to actually be supportive. Its family still saying they don't agree with you transitioning whenever they have a chance but then also say they just want you to be happy. Its verbal harrassment in comments on social media. Its sexual and physical violence. Its people (no matter how minuscule or extreme the things they do are) whose goal is to make you feel like crap.

The goal is discomfort even with the small actions or comments they make. There's many ways someone can be transphobic and when I say transphobic I mean it in an umbrella term. It includes all gender identities. Theres misogyny in transphobia and it impacts all of us. There's a ton of sexism. There's underlying ideas and beliefs systems. There's a lot of things people do out of reflex or on purpose that is transphobic.

Some of us are bullied and verbally harrassed at school. Some of us are beaten. Some are sexually assaulted. Some are killed. Some are in friendships with people that constantly make comments or do something knowing it makes the person uncomfortable. Some are kicked out of their house. Some deal with it in their comments and messages on social media and the fact that no one bats an eye because its so normalized is horrendous to me.

Some are people in relationships that end poorly because their partner thought eventually they'd change their mind or their partner rejects them entirely and they break up. Sometimes its a doctor seeing your new legal name and purposely mispronouncing it or being iffy about it. Sometimes its being refused medical care. Sometimes its being refused insurance. Its watching an entire planet hate on us every single day. Its everywhere and it flows into so many different areas of our lives and in so many different ways.

Its having a support system and then a friend of those people make a joke or comment and no one corrects that person for it. It is watching others stand by while someone is being transphobic. It is watching people do nothing a lot of the time. It's societal compliance.

It is surreal.

[leothecloud]

You've gotta love Jews more than you hate Nazis.

You've gotta love trans folks more than you hate TERFs.

You've gotta love your unhoused neighbors more than you hate the billionaires.

You've gotta love immigrants more than you hate ICE.

You've gotta love queer kids more than you hate christian fundamentalists.

You've gotta love fat people more than you hate the diet industry.

You've gotta love disabled people more than you hate the insurance companies.

You've gotta love your fellow humans more than you hate the worst that humanity has to offer. You don't have to like every person you're fighting for, and you sure as hell don't have to give up your righteous anger, but hate is ultimately corrosive.

You've gotta love.

[leothecloud]

My experiences with romantic attraction have been a mixture of situations and emotions. Can I experience it? Yes, but it’s rare. Usually, I have to feel pretty close to that person first and even then it is still rare for me. Before I knew what aspec was or that I didn’t really experience attraction much I would say I love you because someone else would in the relationship. I would say that cause I thought it’s what you are supposed to do.

I didn’t understand that people feel things which is why they say it in a relationship. I thought if I’m in the relationship I’m supposed to love someone and went along with it. The disconnect had been there for years. When I experienced my first love at 17 I knew then that there is a clear difference between compliance and genuine love. Prior to that I didn’t have that knowledge at all.

And after all these years I’ve only felt romantic attraction and love four times total. I am 25 now. I know what genuine love is now. I also know what it isn’t. However, when I look at others I don’t experience aesthetic attraction or physical or sexual attraction at all. The disconnect expands to every form of attraction. So when the romantic attraction hits me it is like being hit by a bus.

Platonically, I care for everyone. I love my platonic relationships and friendships. I appreciate everyone I have in my life. Romantically I am a neutral person. It either happens or it doesn’t. I am not ashamed of who I am but it is hard for people outside aspec to understand me. I am proud to be aspec whether others understand or not.

I wanted to share this because I want to show how there are many ways someone can be aspec. The ace spectrum is wide and has lots of variety in it. How people see others and the world varies and I want to shed light on what it's like.

[leothecloud]

Being asexual is like being the one person who wouldn't participate in gym class. Some people are upset with you. Some people don't care and let you skip out. Overall, you just aren't interested in gym.

[leothecloud]

My trans experience is being Agender. My Agender experience is a disconnection from the binary. It is not aligning with any form of fluidity or masc or fem. It is a state of being void of anything. I am not nonbinary. I am not fluid. I am not a man or a women.

I am simply me. I exist as neutral as possible. I have preferred pronouns. I still have dysphoria because I don't want any organs at all. However, I don’t want the opposite gender’s organs either. I want to be blank like a canvas. I have Zero ties to gender.

This is not everyone's Agender experience. Many view themselves as fluid or a form of nonbinary etc. This is simply me.

[leothecloud]

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTAL HEALTH

What Unhealed Borderline may look like:

(note I have quiet and self destructive BPD)

•Refusing to discuss whats bothering them.

•No self identity or sense of belonging.

•Quick and short mood swings based on interactions with other people.

•Feelings of chronic emptiness and sometimes apathy.

•Substance Abuse or Self Harm.

•Attachment issues with specific individuals.

•Being distant with most people.

•Dealing with your problems alone because you're afraid of being a burden on others.

•Falling silent and shutting down when things bother you.

•Age Regression.

•Anger internally/towards yourself.

•Irritability and easily frustrated.

•Unstable relationship dynamics.

•Pushing others away.

•Feeling like you only can rely on yourself.

[leothecloud]

Being Agender is like ordering a cake and not knowing what to order sometimes.

[leothecloud]

What ADHD may look like:

•Not sitting still and feelings of being restless. Having a ton of energy and nowhere to put it at times.

•Forgetting conversations or tasks while doing the tasks.

•Loss of time due to hyperfixations. Losing track of time in general.

•Talking fast in a way that leaves you without breath.

•A constant flow of information or thoughts in your brain.

•Social Anxiety.

•Easily distracted and not being able to meet goals.

•Having multiple projects and never finishing any of them.

•Being Absent Minded or daydreaming.

•Easily bored and frustrated.

•Short memory span/attention span.

•Relestlessness and irritation.

•Trouble speaking in front of others.

•Overstimulation and hypervigilance.

•Unitentionally interrupting others when they talk.

•Low Self Esteem and issues with confidence.

•Starting one task then changing it to a different one.

[leothecloud]

My experiences as an Agender individual:

PLEASE keep in mind this is mainly me being frustrated with peoples ideas, conceptions, and assumptions about me. It is not me hating or upset with how others identify. I am simply expressing that sometimes we shouldn't assume things about anyone at all because it can be hurtful in the long run towards individuals.

•Because I am assigned female at birth people will only like me/be interested for my chest and body.

•Because I am AFAB people assume I am a transman since I dress in only shirts and jeans. They have this idea of who they view me as in their head without asking me anything.

•Because I am Agender people think I will accept all pronouns and language but that is not the case for me. Not everyone will accept anything. Some people have preferred pronouns as a person Agender.

•Because I am Agender most people will think nonbinary. While a good amount of agender people feel that way that is not my lived experience or how I feel. I 100% identify as void of any gender at all. I don't align with or connect with any gender identity. I view myself as completely androgynous, absent, void, empty, neutral, etc.

•Because I am AFAB and Agender people look at my husband and I and assume we are related or a heterosexual couple. Irony is he is LGBTQIA+ and I am ace and agender.

•My chest always makes people clock me and because of that it causes dysphoria.

•My voice giving me away constantly as I tend to be higher pitched when I feel anxious, insecure, or feeling small.

•Gender Dysphoria not because I want something I don’t currently have and identify with but because I don't want any parts at all.

•Feeling disconnected to any form of gender expression or binary.

•Identifying as underneath the “trans umbrella” but not identifying as strictly trans.

[leothecloud]

Apathromantic (The root word being Apathy) - Is someone whose orientation form of "romance indifferent" which can also be used as a title. It does not distinguish if the person does or does not have romantic attraction, but just that they are indifferent in receiving it or acting it out.

This is me. I am indifferent with romantic attraction. That doesn’t mean I do or do not experience it. My experience has been I can be romantically attracted to people rarely but I am mainly platonic. I am in a middle area and am indifferent towards others for the most part.

I got the definition from asexuality.org and they have a list of knowledge about ace spec.

[leothecloud]

Your sexual or romantic history is your own business and not information you owe other people.

[leothecloud]

Dieting and Working Out As A Trans Individual~

—BEFORE— I begin I want to say that this post is for those who are considering it/don't know where to start. For those who may need weight loss for a surgery (some surgeons suggest it) and health reasons. For those who are thinking about trying it out. For the many many reasons someone may want to~

This is not me giving medical advice—This is all based on my personal journey/experience and to help give ideas on things. Please consult with a doctor about a huge amount of weight loss/your diet.

Where to start—

Do not start with goals immediately. Start with writing down reasonable ideas on what type of weight loss you want to achieve. If you want fast weight loss and to lose a huge amount a doctor is needed. If you want to find a specific diet such as Keto please inform your doctor and get their suggestions as they know your body's medical history and can alert you to any risks with specific diets. If you want to slowly lose weight and ease into things try to write down a reasonable number you want to lose every week to two weeks. Example: 1 or 2 pounds a week/two weeks. Do you want less fat, more muscle, more defined curves, etc? Write down what can be achievable for you right now in this present moment. Example: I want more muscle and less fat so beginner weight lifting/cardio may be the best bet.

Write down different ideas you may be interested in regarding workouts. Some like sports, some prefer a gym, or maybe you want to workout at home. What types of workouts do you feel your body can handle and benefit from?

Dieting is similar. Write down different diets you know you have an easier time with. Ones that you can work on and do. Do not start off strict immediately.

When you diet slowly cut out/down things. It can be hard to stop certain foods like carbs or sugar cold turkey. Lower the amount or intake you can have over time. You can have something here and there but lower how much of it you eat.

Look into what type of workouts are out there and available for you. I put together a workout playlist with yoga first for stretching, beginner weight lifting second, and cardio third. Altogether its an hour and a half of workout and its beginner friendly and things I am currently physically capable of doing.

Your body will be sore for a while at first so make sure you have access to ibuprofen. That specific drug is also anti-inflammatory.

IF scales trigger you I would suggest finding a way you don't have to weigh yourself often or you don't have to weigh yourself at all. I never do. Scales make my self-esteem plummet. Its okay not to pressure yourself with numbers or weigh yourself every week.

If you don't know how much you want to lose but you still want to lose weight that's okay too! You don't need a goal. You can take it at your own pace and just learn as you go.

[leothecloud]

My Aceness is

•Not experiencing sexual attraction

•Not experiencing physical or aesthetic attraction

•Rarely experiencing Emotional Attraction

•Rarely experiencing Romantic Attraction

•Zero preference for liking any gender or sexuality

•A huge amount of Platonic Attraction

•Being sex favorable some days and repulsed other days

•Enjoying intimacy like hand holding, hugs, cuddles, and kisses on the forehead

•Not enjoying French kissing, mouth kissing, and any form of sexual touch in public

•Not a trauma response and tired of people assuming that

•Not a choice or decision I make

•Not me being broken in any shape or form

•It is who I am

[leothecloud]

My top surgery finally got approved. I am agender and you might wonder how top surgery may look like for someone like me. Here is why I want top surgery and my goals for top surgery:

•I don’t identify with either gender and feel a disconnection to my chest.

•I still get gender dysphoria regarding my chest because I would prefer not to have it at all.

•Even though I still present somewhat masculine I do not want to be a guy. I don't want to be a girl either so not having anything and being more neutral is what makes me comfortable.

•I want to be as flat as I can be and I don't want to keep my nipples. I plan on getting a blank chest and a large chestpiece tattoo.

•I still want to dress in different gender expressions without having a chest that makes it obvious that I was born a girl.

•I still consider myself as part of the trans umbrella. This surgery is for my mental well-being.

[leothecloud]

Sex and romance are opt-in not opt-out. You don't need a reason not to do them. You should do them because you want to not because you feel obligated to.

[leothecloud]

My feelings and thoughts that happen as someone whose Asexual:

•Having a libido without sexual or physical attraction towards others.

•Distracted during sex.

•Feeling repulsed some days but sex favorable other days.

•Feeling a disconnection between myself and other people.

•Assuming everyone prefers a person’s personality and romance while forgetting I’m ace. THEN being confused when people don't.

•Not understanding one night stands at all.

•Not caring about how someone dresses or how they look.

•Discomfort with sexual innuendos some days but other days making the jokes myself.

•A constant back and forth battle of conflicting and contradictory thoughts and emotions.