leosjourney

[leosjourney]

so grateful for this past year i've been on T. feeling myself grow stronger each day, both physically and mentally, has been the most rewarding experience of my life.

[leosjourney]

FTM Trans Pride 1994

[leosjourney]

having pussy is gender neutral. having cock is gender neutral. having tits is gender neutral. using 3 in one body wash, shampoo and conditioner is for men though

[leosjourney]

here's a lil video update of month one on testosterone (nebido 1000mg/4ml)!

[leosjourney]

1 Month on T (Nebido 1000mg/4ml - 20/02/22)

Effects I noticed in the first month:

- The very first thing I noticed was a change in the smell of my pee, which I believe is the oil base of the shot leaving your body, this only lasted a couple days and my pee smells fairly normal now.

- Oilier skin and greasier hair. Just super oily from around 1-2 weeks in. I need to shower every day, whereas before I could shower every other day if I felt like it. This also meant I got a few more spots on my chin where I wear my mask every day for university.

- Bottom growth. Noticed this around the 2 week mark, mainly that I was visibly bigger, but with very occasional and slight discomfort.

- Increased strength while working out. Noticed this around the 4th week when I was hitting multiple new PRs in the gym. Muscle size or definition hasn't noticeably changed, but I'm a slightly bigger guy so I might notice it more if I was a little leaner.

- Voice drop. Noticed it on and off through the month, but mainly in week 4. My voice pitch app placed my voice as androgynous pre-T (174-184Hz average), and I'm now in my male range pretty consistently (145-149Hz).

- Mentally I'm feeling better, less anxiety about my transition and more settled in myself, as is expected.

Things that haven't changed:

- Appetite. I was super hungry all the time pre-T, so I'm thankful it hasn't gotten any worse haha. I have gained a little weight, but I'm hoping it's just the muscle mass.

- Temperature. Aside from maybe 2 random hot flashes, I feel pretty normal in my temperature.

- Libido. Still have very low libido.

- Anger/frustration/crying. No changes there yet, not sure about crying as I haven't had any reason to cry recently.

- Body hair. No noticeable changes in hair amount, colour, texture or density anywhere yet.

Overall I'm pretty happy with my changes, especially the voice drop. I can't wait to see what the coming months have in store for me!

[leosjourney]

we should start giving testosterone to ants

[leosjourney]

one day on testosterone.

[leosjourney]

I START TESTOSTERONE TOMORROW!

i truly never thought i would see this day come. holy shit. holy fucking shit.

[leosjourney]

Update #8:

I attempted to arrange an appointment for my first T shot whilst being home from uni for Christmas. Signed up as a temporary patient which took weeks to organise, only to be told they couldn't fit me in until February (when I am back at uni) because it's "not essential". It made me feel like shit, but I thanked them for trying and said I'd try and book in with my uni GP instead. I rang them, and the lady was so so nice to me. She was really supportive, used the correct name from the offset, was super enthusiastic about getting me booked in asap for the shot, generally a lovely human. At the end I told her there was no mega rush as I wouldn't be back in Leeds for a week or so, but she said "no no Leo I want to get your shared care sorted out and I want to get you booked in for your injection so it's all ready for when you come back to Leeds, this is a mega start to your big journey!". So she booked me a GP telephone call for a couple days later to discuss shared care, which is great. After I hung up I just cried because it felt so nice to be supported by my GP instead of made to feel like shit from my home doctor's surgery.

The GP call a couple days later was slightly less successful, she seemed on board with shared care which is a win, but needed a letter from my private endo with the details on Nebido and it's loading phase before they could book me in for my first shot. They said they'd contact him themselves to get that info so it's the standard GP waiting game now. Fingers crossed that by my next update I'll have some news!

[leosjourney]

Update #7:

I had my first endocrinologist appointment last month (December 20th 2021). It was a video call appointment and happened to fall on the day I was traveling home on the train, so I had to use my noise cancelling headphones and try and speak as quietly as possible. Thankfully the connection stayed for most of the call, but I lost signal towards the end and we switched to a phone call which worked a lot better. I said that my preferred method of taking T was nebido shots 12 weekly, purely for the fact that I can forget about being trans for most of the time, and get balanced levels without peaks and troughs as often. I see a lot of people in the trans community who start on sustanon or gel trying to switch to nebido after struggling to get their levels correct, or hating the mood drops every couple weeks, so I thought I'd try and avoid that phase altogether. I left the appointment waiting to get a prescription from him in the post, which arrived pretty quick! I hadn't agreed to shared care with my GP yet (because I'm an idiot) and had to pay the full cost of the 2 vials of nebido I picked up (£200+). The first vial is to be taken, then the second 6 weeks later. I can't wait to get an appointment sorted with my GP and have my first shot!

[leosjourney]

Update #6:

Now that I've got a new passport with a shiny new passport number I headed down to the post office and applied for a new driving license! I filled in the D1 form, requesting to change my name, title, gender, address (needed tweaking), and picture. I sent off a postal order for £17 to cover the picture change too. Goodbye little pink piece of plastic that confuses bouncers at nightclubs with a shit picture of my 16 year old self! Can't wait to get a sexy new one with my correct name and picture 😏💅

[leosjourney]

Update #5:

Today I got to see my new pa$$port for the first time, with my new full name and Sex: M. So fucking insane to see that on paper. I am this mf LEGALLY 🥺

[leosjourney]

Update #4 (Part 4)

6. The Wait Begins

On Wednesday 22nd September 2021 I moved back to Leeds for university. During Freshers Week I started the long process of changing all of my details on all of the background social media and websites I frequent, such as Amazon, tiktok, Twitter etc. I made a new email address, attached it to all of my accounts, and changed up all my passwords for good measure. On my first proper day in uni, I sat on a bench outside and sent one of the most important emails I will ever have to send. I emailed Dr Lorimer at GenderCare with the answers to my '10 questions'. These are a method the gender specialist uses to gain a broad background about you, where you're at in you're transition, and what you're looking to achieve. All I had to do now was wait for a response. On the 1st of October I received a letter from The Laurels - the NHS gender clinic I was referred to by my GP in Cornwall. I knew the Laurels waitlist was 5+ years at this point, hence why I hadn't hesitated to go straight down the private route (thankfully I am lucky enough to be able to afford it, which I'm immensely grateful for). Another wait once again begins, this time for my care to be taken over by the NHS however many years down the line.

7. First GenderCare Consultation

On the 12th of October I had my first appointment with Dr Lorimer via Zoom. I was incredibly happy that I was seen so quickly, only three weeks or so after my enquiry. I was a ball of nerves beforehand, wondering if he would think I "wasn't trans enough" due to my years of repression and enforced doubts from my family. I grabbed a wad of blue tack to keep my hands busy to stop me nervously touching my face or hair on the call, and waited. As soon as Dr Lorimer joined the call my nerves dissipated. He really does look like a super cool uncle that everyone loves! He was friendly, validating, and funny when we discussed things, whilst simultaneously being professional and empathetic to the struggles I had faced. By the end of the call he had confirmed my thoughts, and said I more than qualify for a gender dysphoria diagnosis. After years of being told I wasn't trans, I was confused, and I don't have dysphoria, someone finally sees me for who I am. And not just any old person, a trained, seasoned professional! I nearly cried because I finally felt heard instead of gaslit, and I felt like my struggles were actually real. Breaking news: I am not insane!

8. Powerlifting!

On the 28th of September I joined Leeds Barbell Club, home of the universities powerlifters and Olympic weightlifters. It's the first society I've joined in my 4 years in Leeds, and I really felt like I was taking a big leap having not powerlifted or weightlifted properly before aside from doing some machines casually at my local gym. It's been mentally soothing the tension of being pre-transition, I'm building a stronger, more masculine body, whilst taking 2 hour breaks from thinking too deep about my life while I pick up heavy shit and put it back down again. It makes this waiting period easier, because it's a transition and journey all in itself. You start hardly being able to lift the 20kg bar, or able to squat solely with your bodyweight, and you quickly see the 'beginner gains' add up. I also like to tell myself I'm building strong foundations for my body before I start testosterone (wishfully thinking I'm programming myself to gain more muscle once I start T). I know, however, that once I do start T, the real foundations I will have built are a habit of regularly going to the gym and spending 2 hours there at a time, eating enough protein every day, getting enough sleep, and fostering a love for powerlifting as well as my body and what it can do. These are the things that will actually lead me to build muscle once I start hormones.

9. Dr. Lorimers Referral

On Monday the 1st of November my referral letter from Dr. Lorimer arrived. I eagerly rang my doctor's, who essentially told me they hadn't got theirs yet, so to wait for it to come, or email a scan of my copy to them myself. Knowing how slow GP's can be in England I opted for the latter. I sent it over, and waited a couple of days for a response. Nothing. I rang up again to chase it up (whilst on my deathbed from tonsillitis I might add), and explained that I needed a blood test that was outlined in the letter. It definitely helped my cause that the blood test needed to be between days 2 and 8 of the menstrual cycle and my day 1 was due two days before I rang so could be any minute now. She quickly shuffled some appointments around with the doctor's permission to fit me in ASAP, and before I knew it I was booked in for my bloods 2 days later!

10. The Blood Test

On Friday 5th of November I wasn't at the store buying fireworks or toffee apples, I was up early with no food or drink (aside from water, which tastes like ass in the city, I took one sip of and nearly vommed), heading for the doctor's practice. It was a 9:20am fasted sample, and it's normal for me not to eat until lunchtime, but being denied my 2 morning cups of coffee felt blasphemous. I sat alone in an upstairs waiting room surrounded by LGBTQ+ friendly posters. It felt a bit like I'd been sent to the trans waiting room instead of the regular one 😭. Once in the appointment the nurse asked if I was okay with blood tests, to which I replied "well I don't exactly LIKE them". I'm fucking terrified of needles, I cannot look at allll when I get an injection or blood test or I'll feel all funny. And people still think I'd CHOOSE to be trans, where I may possibly require injections for the rest of my life (if I decide against gel). I stared aggressively at the wall opposite the nurse and waited for the "little scratch". She told me at this point that they would "actually need to collect a few samples", I thought she was telling me I'd have to have MULTIPLE blood tests back to back... But turns out I'm dumb and she just screwed on a few different vials to collect more than 1 sample of blood. In the end she took five vials of blood and ordered me to go to the shop and get some food before my lecture so I didn't immediately just pass out. I dropped my vials off in the sample collection point and I knew I'd just jumped through another hoop on my journey.

11. Booking The Endo

I originally enquired with Dr. Seal for my endocrinology appointment, but seeing his waitlist was full until July really put me off. I had already waited for 5 years, I didn't want to have to wait until another summer to finally be who I am! When trawling the list of other endo doctors on the GenderCare website I noticed Dr Hammond seemed good, and was only a 30 minute train journey from Leeds. After 10+ back and forth emails between his assistant and I, my appointment was finally booked. 11:20am on Friday the 17th of December. It was the last one they had available in person before Christmas Eve, and I was to be going home for Christmas on the 18th of December so it was perfect! A Christmas miracle in fact. I had set this goal of getting my endo appointment before Christmas as soon as I had confirmed my initial consultation with Dr. Lorimer, but the delay in his referral letter arriving and getting my blood test booked meant I was starting to lose hope, but I had just about managed it! Well, I HAD managed it... Until I got a very unwelcome letter through my door to say my appointment had been cancelled and rescheduled to the 20th of December at 11:10am. An appointment that I couldn't make as I would be traveling home to spend Christmas at the other end of the country. My day was completely fucking ruined. Well it was until I finally managed to get through to the outpatient appointments department at the hospital and convince the lady on the other end to convert my appointment to a video call instead of in-person meeting. She agreed on the condition that I would get the go ahead from Dr. Hammond's assistant. After a quick email, he replied quickly and agreed that due to the fact that Dr. Hammond had cancelled on me, and the circumstances around me traveling home were unfortunate, they would allow it to be a video call! My appointment is due to be at the same time as my train from London to Cornwall, so it'll definitely be... Interesting to say the least. I'll have my noise cancelling headphones on and hopefully won't lose signal! But that's it, my appointment is booked and hopefully I'll be on testosterone in or before the New Year. 2022 is gonna be my year 😼

[leosjourney]

Update 4 (Part 3):

2. First Doctors Appointment

On Thursday 12th of August 2021 I had my first blood test relating to my transition. My GP requested it (not even sure why) but it felt awesome to be taking a step in the right direction with everything.

On Tuesday 24th of August 2021 I had to get my girlfriend to pick me up from work mid-shift to take me to the ONLY Drs appointment they had left before I went back to uni. I spoke to my GP about my history, how I feel, why I feel that way etc and he agreed to refer me to the NHS GIC! It's great, but I know it'll be years and years before they ever actually see me. I got a letter when I had gone to uni to confirm that I was indeed on their waiting list 🥳

3. Name Change

On Tuesday 31st August 2021 I went to WH Smiths and spent £10 on parchment paper, and printed off a handful of unenrolled deed polls to get signed. We went to our friend Jesse's house and he signed one of the witness signatures and we had a cuppa, then we met our other friend Leah in Spoons to get the other witness signature. That's right! Your boy officially became Leonardo Matthew Jackson... in a spoons! 🤣 It's basically my place of birth. I also got new (sexy) passport photos taken that day.

4. Changing my Details with the Banks

Next step after name change is traipsing round every branch you bank with and getting your name and details changed. First was HSBC, which were absolutely fine with everything, was a bit of a faff but we got there, he ordered me a new card, and he offered to print me an updated bank statement with my new name that I can use to change my passport with. Next up was Halifax, who were even easier and nicer than HSBC somehow, they were unbelievably chill and also ordered my new card ASAP. Lastly was Nationwide, which I went to on a trip to Birmingham as there's no branches near me at home. The guy who served us was new, but he still managed it. I don't use a card for that account either so it was pretty quick and easy. No issues at all with the banks.

5. Changing my Details with the NHS

This was and still is one of the biggest pain in the arses of my transition so far. I had to chase up my doctor's 3 times to get them to change my details on their system. They said it was done. Then I began asking for a letter from my GP confirming my name change would be likely to be permanent so I could get my new passport. They said they 'passed it on to the practice manager' for some reason, when they could just pass it on to my GP. In the end I rang up and asked, and the rude receptionist went off on me about how my deed poll wasn't legit and how I'd got it off of a random website and you have to do it on the GOV UK site (absolute waffle, she didn't know what she was on about) and honestly it made me feel like shit so I cried and said fuck it I'll just change my name with the NHS when I go back to uni in Leeds because they'll be more clued up on trans policies than this random GP in Cornwall. I got to Leeds and I rang up about it and I was put in contact with a lovely lady who was so helpful about everything, she told me that whoever told me my name had been changed in Cornwall was lying and they just couldn't be arsed to change it. Apparently changing things on the system is a difficult and drawn out process, and my old GP clearly didn't want to do it. Leeds said they would do it for me but after all of the new uni student registrations had gone through. This was back in September. It's November now and I assumed that it'd been done by now, I had a throat infection and needed antibiotics and the prescription I picked up said 'Mx Deadname Jackson'. Safe to say I was not impressed. On the phone to the doctor's some people called me Leo, some my deadname. It was quite confusing. I rang up to book a blood test and the lady said that my name seemed to be wrong on the system and offered to flag it up for me, which she did. I got a call back the next day from the original lady who promised to change my name to tell me she had changed it, but for some reason it had been changed back. Who fucking knows at this point. Anyways, she corrected it, and told me that she couldn't change my gender marker because it'll generate a new NHS number and I'll have no record of my COVID-19 vaccinations on there. It's got me thinking though that surely when anyone has transitioned in the past that all of their medical records and immunisation history wouldn't just be deleted? Surely you can re-input it or transfer it over somehow? It's just insane. I just agreed to leave my gender marker as F for now and see if NHS systems or policies change to make this easier in the future.

[leosjourney]

Update #4 (Part 2):

The thing with my mum is that she struggles to find words in the moment. She was sat in silence, so I gave her a hug and said I loved her and told her to go upstairs and have her dinner (which she was carrying up before I told her). It was a couple of days before I heard anything again. She was actively avoiding me, and me her. While I was at work she slipped a note under my door which said stuff along the lines of not wanting my girlfriend and I to live there in our breaks from university anymore, and that she didn't want to hear updates on my transition (all the time). I ignored the letter because I knew a reaction would just make things worse, and even though she had taken time to sit, reflect and write, I knew this was still a knee jerk response from her. After a few days, and with some reassuring words from my stepdad, she called me up to her room and apologized for the letter. She said she did still want us there at the Christmas break, which meant a lot to me. She quizzed me a bit on trans things, but it felt a bit like a test and if I answered wrong she would use it to justify why I'm not actually trans (questions like: what is it about men that you want to be like?, what do you even think you could talk about in a group of men, or will you be a man with only female friends?). We discussed my name, her reasons for not liking the name Leo, and I suggested Leonardo as a long name which she didn't seem totally opposed to! It was a breath of fresh air to finally talk to her semi-properly about trans stuff without silence or tears. She agreed to call me L instead of my deadname, which is a start and as of now (November 5 2021) apparently she is still using L at home while I'm at university which is great.

[leosjourney]

Long Overdue Update #4 (Part 1):

I have been putting off updating this for months because there's so much to write, but right now I'm about to take the next step so I can't sleep and I ended up here.

1. Coming Out (...Again)

On the 9th of August 2021 my girlfriend and I arranged to spend one night at my dad's house with the sole purpose of me telling him I'm trans. Naturally I kept putting it off throughout the night out of fear, but after having a few drinks everyone else had gone to bed and I knew it was now or never. I asked if we could have a chat, and told him I still feel the same way I did 4 years ago. He said he understood and I put emphasis on this not being a phase (his only concern last time). He offered to help me to go private to save me spending like 5 years on the NHS waiting lists for testosterone which really meant a lot. Overall it went the best it could have gone.

I wish I could say the same about my mum's reaction, but she's an emotional person so I knew this would be hard for both of us. It took me a few days to build up the courage to tell her and on the 11th of August 2021 I finally bit the bullet. She was coming home from work and I caught her on her way upstairs, I didn't want to do this in her room, I wanted to do it in mine. It's odd because I feel that the power dynamic would have shifted if she was in her room in her comfort zone. I have her a hug and asked if she wanted to chat and led her into my room. I asked if she could guess what this was about and she said no which was a bit awkward. I told her the same as I told my dad, that I still felt the same way as when I first came out, it upset her but she didn't say much.

[leosjourney]

Update #3:

14/07/2021: finally put in an eConsult with my GP about the fact that I'm trans and I need to speak to someone. I'm scared for them to actually contact me back and for this to be real. It's been almost 2 weeks of wearing my binder full time again (and my new binder !!), I've figured out a system for washing and drying them without my parents seeing which is good, and they still haven't commented on me wearing them around them yet. It's weird feeling more at peace with myself (when I have clothes on at least). But it's even weirder figuring out which public toilets to use, I'm not sure if I pass yet, but I feel like at a glance I look too manly to be in the women's toilets. I guess time will tell, and until then I'll keep racing into the women's and out again before anyone notices me, or using the disabled 😮‍💨. I came out to a friend last week, he was the one who encouraged me to go to the GP. I really am happy I've finally pulled that plaster off, and I'm excited to see where it takes me.