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I need to stop posting here and write in my diary instead but I forget every time ughh I've even been saving up leaves and receipts to glue in there
#i have a horrible memory so keeping a little diary is actually very nice#I'm planning on making a series#always the same notebook#first one spans two years because i sort of forgot about it but it's my two years of uni#this second one starts the summer i dropped out and I'm thinking it'll probably last until june#it's cool to chronicle everything then go back and read about it#like the times i went out with my friends or the exams i have or job hunting or food planning or complaining about always having to sweep#why is my damn room so dusty bro I swear i cleaned like last week
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Whatever Andrew Hussie might have done I will forever deeply admire his productivity. That man's posting schedule was fucking insane and it makes me jealous like few other things can
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Broooo I need a fucking job 💀 I also need to stop being an attention seeker lmao fake ass idgafer
#also also i need a refill on my meds#and to schedule two appts I've been waiting on#going to bike later maybe that will cheer me up
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It always makes me feel so childish when I get upset like this. Probably because it comes from someone I like, someone I care for and was worried about, only to find out that not only has she been ghosting everyone for a month but she'd also been shit talking me. I do feel like a petty high schooler for complaining about it but really, after I've spent so much time working on my body why shouldn't I be proud of it? After so many years waiting and hoping for my surgery, on top of a year+ of consistent training and getting so lucky with the healing, why wouldn't I show it off?
Some part of me is angry and indignant, a lot of me is. After getting told for so long that it was mutilation and still having the strength to go through with it, how dare she shit talk. She has no idea what it's like. But even then, even if she did, why is she so bitchy about it? She does it to others too, like she's got nothing better to talk about.
And then again some other part of me is all sad and shrivelled up, deep in my chest. You'd think that after everything else I've gone through I could brush a comment like that off, but. Well. Knowing it's happened several times, knowing it wasn't a teasing comment made in good fun but a genuine dig, it stings. Funny how my brain forgets all the compliments I've gotten and how good I feel about how I look the moment someone talks shit about it. Like all my work has been for nothing. It feels so invalidating, so trivialising, to watch someone I care about dismiss this expression of ultimate joy.
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