lazzorous

[lazzorous]

How could you be so stupid, how did you end up here??

In my mind I’m screaming, crying, shaking but on the outside I’m silently sitting across the police officer, calm, composed.

They don’t believe you, you know that right? How could you ever think that speaking up would change anything. You’re going to regret this, you already are. Why even bother? Everyone thinks you’re the bad guy. End it all. No use in trying to make it right.

I dig my fingernails into my thighs, trying to tone the nagging voice in my head down. Tears burning behind my eyes, my chest tightens. I know that the moment they talk to me I will burst into tears. Their judgmental gaze, questioning my motives, scrutinising me. I tried to to the right thing. I never wanted it to end like this. Everything got out of control, no one seems to understand that. I never wanted authorities to get involved. I never wanted to label him, blame him. Still, they say that I called him a rapist which I never did. The woman at the police station did. My best friend did. But in the end I will have to take the blame for everything. Because I didn’t keep my mouth shut.

Yeah you should’ve stayed silent, I know you were scared and needed help. Now you know that you can’t rely on anyone. Your best friend leaving you, cracking jokes when she comes back. Yeah, nice people you got there. That’s what you call your best friend. You have no one. You’re alone. And now everyone thinks you’re trying to ruin him.

I’m not. I know I’m not. I constantly telling everyone that this wasn’t my intention. I wanted to feel safe again. He fucked up, he ruined his own life. Why does everyone blame me? I wouldn’t have told a soul about what happened, but he threatened me. I was scared. I was trying to do the best I could. I wanted to make sure me and her are safe. I felt unsafe. I tried to ask for help. In the end I’m the one to blame. I should’ve stayed silent. That’s what woman always think right? I shouldn’t have said something. Why did I speak up? It would’ve been so much easier to just keep quiet. 

„So, did you have an orgasm?“

I snap back into reality. The questions sounds surreal. I look at the police officer, her cold demeanour. I frown, I gasp, I can’t comprehend what is happening. As I start to speak tears start rolling down my cheeks.

„In what scenario could this be important?!“. She exhales.

You’re making everything so complicated.

„Correct me if I’m wrong, but when someone forces me to do something sexual I don’t want to do, there is no doubt that I won’t have an orgasm.“.

You hear that? Go on, reveal your darkest secrets. How you like it rough in bed. Bruises everywhere. Tell them how you want to be degraded. How you slept with 10 other guys in the past 3 weeks. Yeah, you’re very authentic. Slut, whore. You had it coming. Inviting a boy over. The bathroom door wasn’t locked, you could’ve left. She was in the other room, she could’ve helped you. You didn’t say a thing. Doesn’t matter that you were dissociating, how will anyone believe you? Even your best friend is not there for you. Your mom, your dad, your friends. No one.

They call him a rapist, but I know that he isn’t. He didn’t rape me. Not in the legal sense.

But that’s all that matters right? Did a crime happen or not? He didn’t threaten you because he never said that he’s going to kill you. Doesn’t matter that he knows where you live, that he has a knife, probably multiple knifes, hard drugs laying around in his room, his mom having no idea that he isn’t in school, his anger issues. He hasn’t committed a crime. He didn’t threaten you, he didn’t rape you. You didn’t scream, cry, defend yourself. You moaned. Doesn’t matter that you felt so empty afterwards that you wanted to kill yourself.

Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter. I’m the one to blame. I’m the criminal. I feel as if I should put my hand over my head, lie on the ground, cry silently, let my voice be taken by him, by the police. 

„If you want to take a break just tell me“ she says.

But it’s not a reassuring act out of empathy more so a formal act, part of her job. Let’s not traumatise her too much.

„You don’t understand. No one can that has a normal relationship with sex. No one can that has not been abused, manipulated.“ I try to control my voice, I cry uncontrollably, shaking on that goddamn chair I have been sitting on for hours. Her eyes widen.

„Please elaborate. what do you mean by „abused“ and „manipulated“?“

She’s sceptical. Doesn’t believe me. Or maybe thinks I have a tragic back story, a year old case of grooming. I stare at her. I shake, I’m furious, it hurts so much. I think about where the nearest bridge would be. In my mind I’m walking, no running, down the cobbled streets all the way to the nearest bridge. The tears won’t stop falling, my chest feeling like it’s going to explode, my breath going fast, uncontrollably fast. I can’t see where I’m running, what Im almost running into. A car? A bicycle? A man with a dog? Could be anything. I stand in front of the bridge. Think about it one last time. A slight doubt. Then the pain becomes unbearable again, I throw myself over the bridge. I fall. I’m afraid of heights. Would it hurt? Would I have enough time to regret what I just did? Would I die frightened and alone?

I start to explain everything to her. How every man in my life degrades his partner. How I got access to the Internet way too soon. How I saw and read unimaginable, horrible things. How adult men looked at me, messed with me. How they made me believe that I was being too sexy, I had it coming. I was 9, 10, 11. I was showing off my body. I was chubby and about 1,40m. How adult men sent me pictures of their genitalia. I was 11. How I saw porn for the first time. I think I was 8. How I watched my parents having sex. Multiple times. I was 10 and 13. How my dad screamed at me, he just wanted the best for me. It was all my fault. How I don’t remember the relationship with my first boyfriend because he manipulated me into having sex with him. How it hurt so bad that I started crying. How men shoved their penises in my mouth, used me like a toy. But I wanted that. Or did I? Maybe I just felt like that’s the only way I appeal to men. The only way I could get something slightly similar to love. Love is tough. Vanilla sex is boring, who would want that.

Studio, stupid, stupid. She smokes a cigarette, her fourth or fifth by now. She probably isn’t allowed to since this is an officials building, but doesn’t care just like she doesn’t care about my feelings, my backstory, my pain. She flips the ash into a small bowl, blows the smoke into the air, frowns at me. An unexpected turn of events.

„Did you ever tell anyone about this?“.

If I did the adults in my life failed to protect me. If I didn’t it all comes back to me again. Guilty. You could’ve reported those people, raise your voice, make a difference. It’s all in her look. „Well it doesn’t matter anymore, it’s been years, no evidence, no need to make a big deal out of it.“ She flicks her cigarette again, inhales the smoke, exhale the pain. I start to go numb, my head getting cloudy. I think I might be dissociating again. Too much pain, too many emotions. 

I go home, I cry. It’s 4 in the afternoon, people are staring at me. Sweatpants, a shirt that isn’t even mine, greasy hair, makeup stains from the night before. Tears rolling down my cheeks. I go home. Everything hurts. I call my therapist and tell her all about it. Cry some more. „I’m so sorry. I wish everything could’ve gone differently.“. Me too. Me too. Me too. 

The file is now at the attorneys office. He will decide whether or not the case will go to court or not. That’s what my therapist just told me. I’m sitting on my bed, knees up to my chest, my arms wrapped around my leg, tears, tears, tears. I don’t know what to think or want. I want it to be over. But I am so scared of what is going to happen when I see him again. Will he insult me, beat me, really rape me, murder me, humiliate me? I don’t know and that’s what drives me insane. No one seems to understand the amount of fear I feel. With every step fearing of seeing him. Being scared of what he could do to me. Maybe I should move? I hate it. 

It’s Sunday evening. I’ve been working for over 8 hours now without taking a break, not because I didn’t get the chance but more so because it is expected by the manager. Be available 24/7. I rush around the restaurant, my feet hurt, i burned myself when I made breakfast yesterday and the scar hurts as well. I feel pearls of sweat rolling down my forehead. My make-up feels heavy on my face, I can feel the acne stinging underneath it. Two elderly men come in, I smile at them, greet them, bring them the menu. Be nice, joke around, gets you more tips. They ask me if i’m new, I say yes. They ask me if I like the job, I say yes. They ask me if I make good money, I say yes. Suddenly the one to my right starts grabbing my arm, twists and bends it wanting to get a closer look at my tattoos.

I can’t finish writing about it. It hurts too much to relive that moment.

You have too! You have to tell the world the awful things that happened. Raise awareness. Reassure other women and girls that they are not alone.

I want to! But it is too much. The story just keeps on repeating itself.

[lazzorous]

oh my god there are so many books to read and instruments to learn and languages to speak and poems to write and oranges to eat and ideologies to study and songs to sing and films to watch and people to kiss and

[lazzorous]

wandering hands. curious, soft touches. fingertips tracing shapes along shoulder blades, a quiet build up of desperation and longing. soft kisses that leave a trail of love down one’s neck. quiet whimpers, little moans, and soft laughter. the warmth of their hands. the feeling that nothing else in the world feels as right as when they touch you. the feeling of home. love, and safety. where you’re free to be vulnerable, soul completely bared for them to see. the way they look at you as though you’re a piece of art that they will cherish until their dying breath, and how they unflinchingly love every one of the things you don’t like about yourself.

[lazzorous]

I want to chase you, find you, I want to be eluded and teased and adored—I want you to cut me, sharpen me. I want to drink tea beside you in ten years or a thousand.

—This is How You Lose the Time War, by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

[lazzorous]

i will no longer be embarrassed i will no longer be a victim of insecurity i will no longer plague my mind with worries i exist i am allowed to exist i am allowed to take up space i will not let others dictate my experience i will live i will live i will live

[lazzorous]

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

— Matt Kahn

[lazzorous]

And in these next 50 years you will eat so many delicious meals, laugh so many times with so many people you love, shout and scream and sing and cry and smile so hard your face hurts. And you will see such beautiful sunsets and feel fresh cold air on your face and feel warm and safe wrapped up in your favourite winter coat.

[lazzorous]

Gentle reminder from mother witch: you don't have to memorize stuff. Nothing is less effective if it isn't memorized.

[lazzorous]

I finished My Dark Vanessa. It makes me want to lay down and die just a little. It is a very beautiful and emotionally charged book. Vanessa is an unreliable narrator; not because she is evil or a liar or manipulative, but because she's human and traumatized. She can't tell us the truth because she doesn't know it; she's been abused and gaslit and it was dressed up as love. She is just trying to live. She's relatable, in a way a lot of authors fail to achieve. The writing is lovely in that it really shows without telling; particularly in scenes where Vanessa is traumatized without realizing it like when she dissociated during sex. It never says the word, but we can feel it. It was an incredibly difficult read, but I'm glad I picked it up and it was cathartic in many ways. I feel like in some ways, it's a step in the closure I need for my own trauma.

[lazzorous]

Aromatherapy for Processing Trauma

Aromatherapy uses scent, usually in the form of essential oils, for physical and emotional well-being. Our sense of smell is very closely connected to memory, and certain smells can have an effect on our emotions and mood.

Essential Oil Safety and Ethics

Because this is the Internet and because certain multi-level marketing corporations have intentionally spread misinformation about essential oil safety, let's talk about a couple of things real quick.

You should never, ever eat or drink essential oils. These are very concentrated extracts of the active compounds from plants, and just like you would never sit down and eat 200 pounds of lavender, you shouldn't eat lavender oil. Ingesting essential oils can have very serious side effects, up to and including organ failure and death. Just don't.

If you want to work with a liquid plant extract that you can take internally, I recommend trying a tincture or a tea.

Use caution when applying essential oils topically. Again, essential oils are very concentrated, so they can cause skin reactions even if you are not normally allergic to the plant they come from. Always do a patch test to check for an allergic reaction before applying an essential oil to your skin or putting it in a bath. Some, like cinnamon oil, should never be used topically.

Always dilute your oils. Whenever you put essential oils on your skin, mix them with a carrier oil (like olive oil or coconut oil). Typically for adults you want to only use two drops of essential oil for every teaspoon of carrier oil, but you might use a stronger or weaker concentration depending on your body and your needs. If you're adding essential oils to your bath, make sure you mix them into a bath salt (either Epsom salt or plain table salt) before adding them to the water.

When you diffuse essential oils, make sure you don't use too much. For a typical aromatherapy diffuser, you really only need 1-5 drops of oil.

Be careful using essential oils around children and pets. Contrary to what some MLMs say, essential oils may not be safe for your baby or your dog. If you have kids, make sure your oils are stored out of their reach. Don't diffuse essential oils around babies under 6 months old, and don't apply oils to the skin on children under 3 years old. If you use essential oils on your older child's skin, they should be TWICE as diluted as for an adult (so you would use HALF as much essential oil for the same amount of carrier oil). If you diffuse oils around your kids, don't run the diffuser for more than 60 minutes. Follow other essential oil safety rules.

If you have a pet in the house, only diffuse essential oils in open, well-ventilated rooms, never let the diffuser run for more than 60 minutes, and make sure your pet is able to leave the room if they want to. Never apply essential oils to a pet's skin. Research your oils to make sure they aren't toxic to your pets.

Moving from safety concerns to ethics concerns, don't use essential oils in public spaces. Many people don't tolerate these scents well because of health conditions, allergies, or chemical sensitivities. For this reason, you should only practice aromatherapy in your own private space.

Try to be an eco-conscious consumer. It takes a whole lot of plant material to make essential oils -- one pound of lavender oil requires 250 pounds of lavender buds! That's a lot of natural resources. Even "wildcrafted" or "wild harvested" products may still be contributing to overharvesting. Try to limit your environmental impact by using oils sparingly, avoiding oils made from endangered plants, buying from companies that use sustainable harvesting practices, and reusing or recycling the bottles.

Making Aromatherapy Trauma-Sensitive

Because scent is so strongly connected to memory, scents that remind us of a traumatic event can trigger anxiety or panic, or even make us physically ill. Before using aromatherapy, think carefully about the scents you feel drawn to and whether they may be triggering for you.

For example, if your abuser wore a floral perfume with rose and geranium notes, the scents of rose and geranium might activate your fight or flight response, even though those are usually considered calming scents. If your abuser wore a cologne or deodorant with a lot of woodsy notes, you might want to avoid woodsy essential oils like cedarwood.

If at any point you start to feel triggered or activated when using aromatherapy, stop using that scent until you can speak to a therapist or counselor about your experience.

Helpful Essential Oils for Trauma Survivors

Note: Much of the information in this section comes from Elizabeth Guthrie's book, The Trauma-Informed Herbalist.

Lavender (Lavandula angustifolia): The ultimate relaxing scent. Guthrie says that lavender "allows a person to completely relax. It is a wonderful tonic for a person who has been overthinking situations." Lavender is really helpful for anxiety and paranoia, especially if your anxiety takes the form of doom spiraling or thinking about worst case-scenarios.

Cedarwood (Cedrus virginiana): An excellent grounding scent. Guthrie says that cedarwood "is loved for its ability to help people reconnect to themselves." Be aware that Atlas Cedarwood (Cedrus atlantica) is endangered due to overharvesting -- try to use more sustainable varieties.

Rosemary (Rosmarinus officinalis): Great for mental clarity. Rosemary strengthens memory, and it can be useful for people who struggle with short-term memory or who are dealing with brain fog or gaps in memory as a product of trauma. Rosemary promotes alertness.

Clary Sage (Salvia sclarea): Promotes a sense of well-being and helps decrease feelings of stress.

Sweet Marjoram (Origanum majorana): Brings balance to the body and mind. Marjoram has a relaxing effect and can help release tension.

Geranium (Pelargonium graveolens): Another relaxing scent. Guthrie says that geranium "can also help a person who is feeling jumpy, as if they're living in a horror movie and a jump scare is just around the corner."

Chamomile (Anthemis nobilis): Reduces anxiety and relieves feelings of depression. Chamomile also famously helps with sleep issues such as insomnia.

Patchouli (Pogostemon cablin): Very strong grounding. Guthrie recommends patchouli to help reset the sleep-wake cycle for people struggling with insomnia and/or fatigue.

Bergamot (Citrus bergamia): Balances emotional energy and uplifts the mood. Guthrie recommends it for brain fog from exhaustion and for aid in letting go of anger.

Eucalyptus (Eucalyptus globulus): A superstar for healing, whether physical, mental, emotional, or even spiritual. Guthrie recommends eucalyptus "to jumpstart the emotional healing process" and "to release the feeling that their trauma is part of their identity."

Sweet Orange (Citrus sinensis): An uplifting and energizing scent. Great for bringing up the mood, promoting happiness, and helping with burnout.

Aromatherapy on a Budget

Listen, y'all. Essential oils are expensive. Ethically sourced essential oils are even more expensive. I save some money by 1.) using essential oils sparingly, and 2.) buying pre-mixed blends. I'll typically look for a blend that contains several oils that I want to work with instead of buying each oil individually. Right now I'm working with the "Harmony" synergy blend from Eden's Garden, which contains lavender, cedarwood, rosemary, clary sage, sweet marjoram, geranium, and chamomile.

If you can't find a blend that has all the qualities you want, you can still save money by buying a blend with most of the qualities you're looking for, then adding one or two low-cost oils. For example, I wanted a slightly more grounding effect than the blend I'm using has, so I add a little bit of patchouli oil to bring in that earthy, grounding quality.

Sources:

The Trauma-Informed Herbalist by Elizabeth Guthrie

"5 Benefits of Clary Sage Oil" by Corey Whelan

"Marjoram Essential Oil" on AromaWeb

"The 8 Proven Benefits of Chamomile Oil and How to Use It" by Jill Seladi-Schulman, Ph.D.

"Essential Oils & Pets" on Saje

"Are Essential Oils Safe for Kids?" by Teresa Carr

[lazzorous]

when sylvia plath said “being born a woman is my awful tragedy. from the moment i was conceived i was doomed to sprout breasts and ovaries rather than penis and scrotum; to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable feminity. yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars - to be a part of scene, anonomous, listening, recording - all is spoiled by the fact that i am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. my consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. yet, god, i want to talk to everybody i can as deeply as i can. i want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night“

[lazzorous]

“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”

— Bonnie Burstow

[lazzorous]

“When you’re deeply sensitive, love is ecstasy. Music is godlike. Heartache is a wide, somatic wound. Visual natural beauty is jewel-drenched, wild bliss. Tension and conflict are muscle tightening and toxic, straight down to the cells. So how do you hold it all? You rinse, re-centre, and remain clear. You recycle your sensitivity by propelling yourself and others to create waves of change in a super starving world. Direct your passion by spreading your heart only across what clearly matters most. Surround yourself with the souls and spaces that groove alongside your own- the ones that also desire to chase the beauty, courage and freedom we’re all here to teach each other. Choose love over fear and let go of all the rest, breathing what isn’t best for you straight out of your bones. Remember-there is power in the body. Harness it for the greater good, and allow nothing confusing, peace disrupting, or hurtful stand in its way.”

— Victoria Erickson 

[lazzorous]

i love that there are ways of cleansing & charging rooms and objects other than using smoke. you can open the blinds and cleanse with light. you can open your window for a while and cleanse with the fresh air. you can also cleanse jewelry and other objects by your open window and let the air flow around & through it! you can sprinkle water around the room too. you can charge your room with the energy of plant life by bringing small tree branches or even just some leaves into the room and replace them once they dry up. try having houseplants too! you also can leave objects in the grass or under a tree for a while so they can absorb the energy of pure life. there is magic everywhere

[lazzorous]

Accept that you still feel upset about how you were treated, and allow that feeling to pass through you. You don't have to pretend it's not there. You don't have to pretend to forgive the other person if you don't feel so. You can still feel hurt even if years have passed. It's valid, especially if you swept your feelings under the rug back in the days. Find your way to accept the pain, grieve, and let it be in the past where it belongs. Free yourself from these chains. From your fears. From what has been. Life changes. It brings you lessons, but also rewards (and often both are in the form of very different people). Be open to the latter now.