lazyypumpkin

[lazyypumpkin]

Vampire movies I have been watching to keep me sane until season 3 of iwtv (part 4)

Let me proceed with a new category: vampire movies I did decidedly NOT enjoy and would not recommend (this is just my opinion and I’m really happy if other people did like them, I just personally found them unbearable)

Byzantium 2/5🌟

•had so much potential and then let me down rather quickly

•loved the idea of this, hated the execution

•the setting and atmosphere of this movie are its strongest qualities, would love another vampire movie to execute this better

•the characters fall totally flat for me, I connected with none of them, I rooted for none of them

•two stars for trying I guess

30 Days of Night 1/5🌟

•sigh,, the straights are at it again

•did not give a singular shit about any of the main characters

•the vampires were SO interesting and yet got so little screen time

•I wanted to explore their lore more and was left disappointed

•the last scene of the movie where the protagonist burns is kind of cool I guess?

[lazyypumpkin]

Alucarda 3,5/5 🌟

•really cool visuals, very cunty costumes

•gay and homophobic at the same time

•extremely campy and atmospheric

•LOVED the convent setting, am hugely in favor of move vampire nun movies

•the story though,, the story is very meh, feel like it wanted to say something but said nothing

•don’t get me wrong I am strongly in favor of purely vibes based movies but I feel like the vibes were off in this one

•WHEN WILL I GET A CARMILLA ADAPTATION I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE 😭 they always get close and then let me down smh

Vampire movies I have been watching to keep me sane until season 3 of iwtv (Part 2)

Moving on to the sapphic vampire movies I’ve watched thus far

Wir Sind Die Nacht/ We Are The Night 4/5🌟

•does this movie really deserve 4 stars? Maybe not but I love it dearly anyway

•has the same feel as those slightly shitty fantasy books one consumes as a pre teen when one grows up in the 2010’s (based on a purely hypothetical example of course, I personally obviously never did that haha ha ha)

•could be SO good if they would’ve had the balls to make the main character bi

•shitty cop character that you just have to ignore to enjoy the movie

•One of the characters (Louise) is low key a genderbent Lestat?? Blonde ✔️ Obsessive about her love interests ✔️ Also insane but in a glamorous way ✔️

And did I mention a lesbian???????

•anyhow can you tell I’m obsessed with her

•loved the other characters as well, specially Nora and Charlotte (the main character is ok too)

•loved the atmosphere& cinematography

•the first 2/3rds of this movie are fantastic

•one of my favorite vampire turning/transformation scenes

•one of my favorite vampires being vampires and messing around montages

•this could really be a cult classic imo (specially if they just would have committed to the gayness even more)

•LESBIAN VAMPIRE YEARNING!!!!

The Hunger (1983) 4/5🌟

•didn’t like this one much either on my first watch and then rewatched it and was utterly convinced I loved it until right before the ending happened lol

•starts off with a goth club scene where Bela Lugosi Is Dead is playing (it’s so iconic)

•very cool cinematography

•Bisexual Vampire Yearning& Angst

•like seriously this movie is beautifully queer

•thought all the characters were interesting but did not buy that Catherine Deneuve was a vampire from ancient Egypt lmfao

•honestly feels quite anne rice-esque in essence to me

Carmilla (2019) 3,5/5🌟

•didn’t like it the first time I watched it but appreciate it more upon rewatching it several times

•i loved the idea of this movie but am not sold on the execution

•needed more scenes to build up the romance

•actors sort of have a face that looks like it knows what an iPhone is and that took me out of it

•Miss Fontaine was low key annoying and not in an intentional way

•loved the anatomy scenes, the insects& scenes of slow decay

•loved the cinematography& visuals

•BLOODY! SAPPHIC! KISSES!!!!!

•like genuinely when the movie was good it was very good but when it wasn’t good it was kind of meh???

•it could have been such a good movie smh

I still have a lot of lesbian vampire movies from the 70’s on my list so I will expand this sapphic section considerably (and probably cringe at a lot of male gaze-y shit lol)

[lazyypumpkin]

Discovered two new all time favorites since! Sadly only one of which is queer

Nosferatu (2024) 1000000/5 🌟

•what can I say I am obsessed

•where do I even start??? It’s quite literally everything I wanted the coppola dracula to be

•Also really loved the homage paid to art and literature of the romantic era, it’s all very atmospheric and gothic and moody, it’s bleak like robert eggers’ previous movies but in a more darkly seductive and sumptuous way

•lots of it just looks like a caspar david friedrich painting

•it’s simultaneously grotesque and funny though and it doesn’t take itself too seriously (the plot low key is actually “you must boooouuunce on it ku-rrazyyy styyyyleuh”)

•”then rave she must!” (Willem dafoe’s character is iconic)

•I feel like ellen actively subverts the expectations that everyone around her has bc of her appearance (pure, sylph like, ethereal, which if I remember correctly are all the aspects of the idealized woman in the romantic era)

•And I really like how they fleshed her out as opposed to the original where I feel like she does play an important but not necessarily a central role

•”get away from me I am unclean”/“never” 😭

•that being said did I feel a tremendous amount of rage bc of thomas bc he kept treating her like a child and not taking her seriously? Yes, yes I did

•The end to me mirrors how ppl with suicidal ideation often might believe that they are responsible for the suffering of their loved ones and therefore that they might be better off without them which I found extremely sad

•really loved the homoerotic undertones of this film both with orlok/thomas and with ellen/anne

•it pays homage to all the classic vampire tropes but in a way that isn’t boring like it has the vampirism as a metaphor for obsessive/destructive love trope or the obsessed vampire lover, homoerotic undertones that imo pay homage to bram stoker’s queerness and also murnau’s and the vampire as a metaphor for the marginalized (in this case the demonization of female sexuality and/or vampirism as a metaphor for mental illness/depression)

•also if you look at a painting of vlad dracul and compare it to orloks character/costume design it’s really similar so I think it pays homage to that as well

•I feel like this movie is such a love letter to gothic literature and has lots of “easter eggs” for vampire lovers in it

•THEY KEPT MY FAVORITE SCENE FROM THE ORIGINAL WITH THE SHADOW HAND CLOSING OVER THE HEART!!! I was so hyped when I saw it hehehehhehe

•10/10 loved the porn stache

•I feel like people who complain that it was too weird or that orlok should’ve been hot don’t understand the movie. I liked it precisely because it was so grotesque and weird, that’s what makes it good

•then again I also thought the “angel” in midnight mass was hot so I might just have a type

Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person

5/5🌟

•Instantly a new favorite, rewatched it twice since first discovering it

•the ending sequence goes SO incredibly hard (the song is still stuck in my head lol)

•falls into the exact same scheme as my other favorites (cool vampire girl x pathetic man, except in this case they are both pathetic)

•made my inner teen self squeal with happiness

•tbh a very romantic movie (platonically as well), 10/10 would watch on valentines day

•made me kick my feet and giggle the main characters are so freaking cute

•I feel like if you have been a socially ostracized teenager who struggled with mental illness you just instantly have a connection with this film

•loved the costumes in this movie

•fantastic feeding scene, somehow tender and brutal but it felt subversive all at the same time?? Loved how this movie tackled teenage girlhood as a theme through vampirism

Vampire movies I have been watching to keep me sane until season 3 of iwtv (part 1)

Let’s start off with my favorites shall we:

Only Lovers Left Alive 5/5🌟

•my favorite (vampire) movie to exist ever

•philosophical, atmospheric, deeply romantic and a little pretentious (just how I like my movies)

•absolutely brilliant soundtrack that adds to the eerie feeling (ur going to love it if ur into goth music lmao)

•some of my all time favorite vampire feeding scenes and biting isn’t even involved

•the characters are so believeably ancient, like they look old and young at the same time it’s actually crazy

•beautiful cinematography

•derelict streets, the loneliness of a dark night perfectly captured, decay

•literally everything I want out of a vampire movie except for one thing

•it’s not gay (but nobody’s perfect I guess)

I could go on but I just feel like it needs to be experienced as a movie

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night 5/5🌟

•my other all time favorite (vampire) movie to ever exist actually

•Described as “The first Iranian vampire Western”

•subverts the expectation of the title

•shitty men get what they deserve in this one (I want to give out spoilers but I’ll restrain myself)

•on the other hand also very romantic and atmospheric

•loved the characters in this one as well

•lonely landscapes and long nights in this one as well

•it’s basically perfect

•don’t expect this movie to be gay either but it’s still perfect

I’m trying very hard to find queer vampire media that I love as much as these two tbh but thus far no luck

[lazyypumpkin]

his pussy tastes like pepsi cola.. his eyes are wide like cherry pies

90s lestat! my felon my silly rabbit

[lazyypumpkin]

The Vourdalak 4/5 🌟

•hazy, dreamlike and sort of theatrically campy

•atmosphere reminds me of some of my favorite 70’s fairytale movies

•visually a very pretty movie

•it’s low key silly and at the same time not silly at all

•protagonist belongs in horny jail

•had to have too much of a close look at his butt, automatic star deduction

•piotr my beloved

•is this truly a four star watch? Idk man but I do indeed have a newfound obsession with piotr as a character

SPOILER ALERT PROCEED WITH CAUTION

•would be mad about kill your queers™️ but tbh everyone gets murked

•sdenka going off to munch on some noble frenchmen is not a bad ending tbh

•justice for piotr, they too deserved to gnaw on some nobles

(I do wonder if not escaping while being undead is maybe also meant as a sort of kinder fate? Since vampirism in this movie seems to be a metaphor for generational trauma and grief. But like, as a gay I naturally wanted to see piotr have a happy ending, idk the urge to write fanfic about the siblings escaping as vampires and terrorizing the french court is strong)

Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979) 3,5/5🌟

•It’s a very pretty movie, mostly watched it bc I like looking at Isabelle Adjani’s face

•that shot where she runs through the plague infested city and people have their last meals is stunning and I love it immensely (some shots looked like a vanitas painting and I appreciate that very much)

•got a little bored about 2/3rds in and I hate Klaus Kinsky, that’s why the rating isn’t higher

•that being said Orlok is specially pathetic and whimpery in this one and I did like that lmao

•he is like a sad cat left outside in the rain

•everyone has a german accent and the acting us very campy, nearly boosted this to four stars bc I loved how unintentionally comedic it was

•I was yesterday years old when I found out that this movie apparently has two versions??? One in english and one in german??? I must watch the german version now to see if it’s very different

•could have been gayer

Nosferatu (1922) 4/5🌟

•a classic

•love me some dracula silent film fanfic

•watched this with a friend last summer and laughed my ass off bc we kept doing silly little voices and sound effects to read the title cards aloud 10/10 would recommend

•low key started my obsession with silent films

•watched it again two weeks ago in cinema with a musician playing live synth music to it and it was absolutely insane,, I fell in love with it all over again

•I know we all know the classic shot of his shadow going up the stairs and it’s iconic for a reason but can we talk about that scene where orlok’s hand creeps up ellen’s body and closes around her heart?? It’s probably my all time favorite ever

•one thing I didn’t like was how orlok sometimes just looked like he was walking around in the sunshine, I used to think oh let it be it was made in the 1920’s but other murnau movies handled night time scenes SO much better

•that being said this movie is insane when u consider it was made in a time where being a director was basically just fucking around and finding out (as in the classic conventions of cinematography were not yet established)

•orlok is a silly little goober and so is Knock, they’re cute little grandpas (perhaps with some weird hobbies) and I want to adopt them and lovingly feed them flies in a terrarium

•in summary, insane movie, everyone who loves vampires should watch it NOW

Vampire movies I have been watching to keep me sane until season 3 of iwtv (part 3)

Next up are the achillean (or vaguely homoerotic) vampire movies

The Lost Boys (1987) 4/5🌟

•Very fun, very 80’s

•characters with a lot of potential (can see myself writing mental fanfic about this one)

•cool visuals& lots of pretty, long haired men in cunty little outfits

•if you liked the whole stranger things pre teens on bikes solving mysteries thing you’ll love this

•if you liked the vampiric motorcycle coven aspect of s2 of iwtv you’ll love this as well

•it’s a cult classic for a reason but I personally hated the ending

•should’ve been gayer but also it’s very homoerotic

Dracula (1931) 3/5🌟

•really beautiful& atmospheric set design

•loved the costumes, specially for dracula’s brides

•Bela Lugosi’s so pretty 😭

Like genuinely no wonder the man has a whole bauhaus song about him

•They told Bela Lugosi “serve count” and he understood “serve cunt” instead

•did not go into much depth with the characters imo and was kinda xenophobic (but I guess that last point is to be expected given the source material and the time the movie was made)

•obviously ended up rooting for hot dracula (lmfao surprise) specially bc all the human characters were so boring

•could’ve been more homoerotic

•not my favorite vampire movie but would definitely watch it again bc it’s just fun

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) 3/5 🌟

•pls don’t crucify me over the rating I know this one’s beloved by many it just wasn’t for me

•5/5🌟 for costume and set design though like the movie is heavenly to look at

•a little too long and convoluted tbh I did feel a bit bored at times with the story

•didn’t really buy the romance between any of the characters

•another VERY hot dracula like I’m a certified man hater and yet I was simping hard

•homoerotic beard shaving scene

•fantastic blood sucking scene single-handedly made my rating go up from 2,5 to 3 stars lol

Interview with the Vampire (1994) 3,5/5🌟

•pls don’t crucify me over this rating either I just didn’t feel like I enjoyed myself as much as I should’ve throughout this movie

•this is one of those pieces of media that’s both gay and homophobic at the same time, like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are no homo-ing all over the place

•made think Tom Cruise in a blonde wig is attractive and I’ll never forgive them for that

•it’s kind of amazing seeing Kirsten Dunst act circles around two grown men

•despite me being very critical I actually do like this movie a lot I just also think it doesn’t do the characters and their complexity justice

•very pretty set design and costuming, visually this movie is gorgeous

[lazyypumpkin]

[lazyypumpkin]

original (i think)

[lazyypumpkin]

Yes Mama! I know what’s going on, yes I do!

Party Girl (1995)

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made by me

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Brittany Murphy wearing BLUMARINE – Uptown Girls (2003)

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Fatima Ronquillo (Philippines, 1976) - The Nightingale and the Rose (2023)

[lazyypumpkin]

ideal devil's minion dynamic imho

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[lazyypumpkin]

missing him + happy birthday to sam reid, the leader of the cult im in

[lazyypumpkin]

Yellowjackets

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the yellowjackets are in a deadbeat parent-off

[lazyypumpkin]