latindiva25

[latindiva25]

I need to stop thinking that I am more important to people than I really am! People show me exactly where in their lives I fit, I just need to start paying attention! If they ain't pumpin out the same level of energy and vibe as I am, I need to learn to keep it pushin. Life is to short to stress over anything less. Imagine how much simpler things would be if I spent a little less time worrying about someone else and a little more time taking care of me?

[latindiva25]

Who Does She Think She Is, Anyways?

Round 1:

Bink”

Her text alert goes off. It’s the bestie. 

“Hey Girl, WYD on Thursday?”

She takes a deep breath, shrugs her shoulders, and sighs. She knows where this is going...

“All Depends. Wucha thinkin?”

“I was thinking of IDK... getting something to eat? Wanna be fat with me?”

She thinks about the last 2 days of solid spot on commitment then thinks about how damn wishy washy her friend is. Plans get half-ass made then cancelled before she can even hit send, so she takes the bait, knowing it isn’t going to go anywhere...

“I’m down. What time you thinking?”

She doesn’t even mention that she is currently working on portion control and better eating habits. Why should she? They NEVER actually make it all the way to executing their plans. 

Long pause before the next text comes...

“I have NO idea. It was a random thought. I don’t even know till what time I have patients scheduled until, to be honest...”

That was it, no further Messages. She sat there and thought to herself, “Who does she think she is, anyways?”

Round 2:

The phone rings. She picks it up. Her bestie is chirping on the other end...

“Heeeeyyyy, wucha doin?”

“Just picked up the kids and I’m driving home. It was a crazy ass day. What’s goin on?”

“Nada. What you doin this weekend? Let’s do movies in the back yard and make some S’mores!”

The kids start hollering and cheering in the back seat as she takes a deep breath, sighs, and braces herself. She knows where this is going, but she takes the bait...

“ We can definitely do that. I’ll get the projector and the movie screen together, you get the goodies for the S’mores. What time we aiming for?”

“Ummmm, lemme see what time my last patient is scheduled. I’ll let you know.”

One day passes, then two, then three, no word. The kids are driving her nuts about possible movies choices, so she texts the bestie.

“What’s the move on Friday? What time we meeting up?”

Silence. She messages again...

“Am I still getting the projector and screen out of storage?”

Silence. an additional day and a half goes by before a response comes through.

“Hey. My little is gonna go with her dad tonight and I have some errands to run with mom. I’m gonna have to cancel movie night. Rain check?”

Rain check. RAIN CHECK? Who does she think she is, anyways?

The Knock Out Punch:

“Ding Dong.” The door bell rings. She normally doesn’t get surprise visitors. She opens the door and sees her bestie standing there.

“Hey Girl! I just wanted to stop by and show you some ideas for a craft I’ve been working on.”

They spend a few minutes chatting it up and going through photos of crafting projects.

“I’m having a hard time finding the hoops for a centerpiece. Will you be going to Michael’s any time soon?”

She loves crafting and has a trip scheduled to the craft store before the week is out.

“Sure thing. Send me the pic. I’ll see what I can find.”

a few more minutes go by before the bestie jets out the door. Before she leave she extends an invite for Sunday afternoon.

“Not sure what you have going on this weekend, but I’ll be home working on projects. Bring my God Son by and come hang out.”

They part ways and she thinks that since crafting is involved that these plans are the real deal. 

On the day of this long awaited event she hits the craft store with her grumpy teen. They grab some supplies, wait forever in line, and then hit the freeway. In between the craft store and her bestie’s house, all of hell is unleashed. What should have been a 10 minute drive turned into over an hour of fuckery. No worries though, her normally impatient and moody child is pumped to go see his God Mother and he’s just going with the flow.

They arrive at their destination, hop out, and rush to the back yard. There are unusual cars in the drive way, but they pay no mind. The get to the garage, where all the crafting magic happens, and they hunker down for some convo, laughs, and crafts.

“Did you snag the hoops?”

“I sure did. I grabbed a few different sizes in case the big ones don’t work.”

Her son impatiently interjects...

“Is Mama in the house? Can I go in and say hi?”

“Oh, yeah... she’s in there, but we have company. I’ll let her know that you’re here. Let’s see if she comes out.”

She is ready to work on some crafting magic and her son is waiting to say hi to the rest of the family, but...  nothing. The bestie goes right along with her routine like they weren’t even there. One minute... five minutes... 15 minutes. They are just sitting there and it’s hot. So she speaks up.

“Hey, what can we help with?”

She gets a glare.

“There isn’t much to do. I am working on cleaning up so I can head on into the house. Mom has company, so I need to get inside and help her out. Thanks for grabbing the hoops and swinging by, though. It’s always nice to spend time with my favorite God Baby.”

Before she gets a chance to digest the fact that she was just dismissed, her hot and cranky teen demos his ability to mood shift like a chameleon. 

“Wait, I thought we were coming over here to hang out. Isn’t that what you said the other day? I didn’t go play basketball with my friends just so I could come over and spend some time. So, you just gonna put everything away and go in the house? What are we supposed to do, sit here until you come back out?

“Oh, I’m sorry baby. I guess I forgot to call you this morning. We had company coming through and Mom needs me inside. Let’s plan another day...” as she heads to the garage door and waits for us to exit so she can close it.

She thinks to herself, “Who does she think she is, anyways?”

[latindiva25]

Sabotage!

It’s just lunchtime of Day 1 and dang it if I didn’t already hit my first mood altering challenge... the sabotager. You know what I’m talking about, that one person who knows you and your love of food and who really means well, but pushes to far with their requests and it makes you want to rip their head off. Yeah, that person. Today it was BD. 

“Wanna go to lunch?”

“Umm... nah. Thank you. I am trying to take a break from eating out over the next couple of weeks.”

“Come on, just a quick break! We won’t be gone long. You pick.”

Shifts uncomfortably in chair... “Thanks, but I can’t. I am really trying to eat better and save some money for an upcoming trip. I appreciate the invite though.”

Takes a phone call then hops right back on the enticement train: “I really don’t know what the problem is! You ALWAYS want to go eat. Today I am inviting you, and you don’t wanna go! WTF, Li. What’ going on?

Let me interject by saying that I am really not comfortable enough telling some people that I have been busted back to resorting to 2 weeks of pre-portioned foods because I failed so miserably at this dang thing called self control.  At this point in the conversation I am visibly irritated and trying my best to remember that my mood is already off and I don’t need to add day 2 of fighting to my playlist called life!

I get up an walk into another room in hopes of rebounding and calming myself. BD gears to head out with the lil diva and I follow to the front porch to wave good bye.

“You sure you don’t wanna come? What, you back on the damn diet train? I don’t get it. What’s the difference if you buy something from a restaurant that you can make at home? It’s all the same!”

But that’s the point... it’s not all the same! Besides the obvious fact that I am spending unnecessary money, there is a whole psychological component that I am battling. I don’t portion control when I am out. I don’t choose healthy options from the menu. I am not mindful of what I put in my mouth. I don’t track my meal in my app because it’s to difficult to piece it all out and there is not convenient bar code scanner on my plate! I am not mindful of my sips and bite sizes. I say yes to appetizers and sometimes desserts...

“I AM NOT DISCIPLINED ENOUGH TO EAT OUT TODAY, DAMMIT!”

Yep, it happened. I yelled it. And it felt good. Then the look on his face registered. I did it again. Anxstressity reared it’s ugly little head and I momentarily unleashed my beast. Dammit! (Mentally tucks beast back in it’s cage.)

“Sorry. I am a little edgy today, I am trying really hard to get a grip on my portion sizes again, and I am not ready to tackle the task in pubic yet. Thank you so much for the invite, but I am going to have to pass. Maybe we can plan a lunch date in the near future when I am in a better position to make healthier decisions. I appreciate you for thinking of me though.”

“Damn, that’s all you had to say, Li!”

Ugh, but I thought I did in a tip-toey, side-steppy, indirect, not come straight out and spray paint it on the wall, type of way... didn’t I? Apparently I didn’t. Either way, I addressed my elephant in the room, let the cat out of the bag, tucked the witches broomstick back into the closet and brutally blurted out my truth. And here I sit, eating my micro-portion sized lunch and tapping into the magical healing power of journaling while my kid and her daddy are out to lunch.

[latindiva25]

I’m an addict...

Today is day one of hell! Yep, I said it... hell! I started my two week journey for better portion control, I haven’t even fully eaten my first meal, and my mood is already in the pisser. I am all about positive mindset, but can’t seem to wrap my positive little brain around embracing portion control. Why? Because I have an unadulterated and dependent relationship with food. Not just unhealthy food, all food, and the thought of having to limit my access and times to food is terrifying!

For me, food is comfort. It gives me the feeling of a warm and nurturing embrace (think Olaf.) Food is always there when I need it and quietly sits on the sidelines when I am functioning well without it. I need food to survive, but more than that, I need food to cope. I think about the most monumental moments of my life and they all seem to be celebrated (or mourned) with food - break ups, make ups, weddings, funerals, achievements, losses, there is always food. So, how do I break this cycle? (Rhetorical question - I really have no idea how to answer.)

Food is essential for survival, but clearly my addiction to food goes way beyond the need to live. I use food to thrive. But is that all I use food for? Lately I have been wondering if I also subconsciously use food to self-destruct. When I feel good, I choose to eat foods that make me feel good. When I feel bad, I choose to eat foods that make me feel horrible - bloated, fatigued, heavy, nauseous. This can’t just be a coincidence! Somebody, throw me a lifeline here, am I the only person on earth that does this? 

Thinks to self “No, no you are not!”

So how does an addict balance the need to survive with the “need” to be dependent. Is the need to be dependent even a real thing? I guess it is, at least to me. I try and think about all the alternates I can choose, and I keep coming right back to food. I have to effectively find a way to break the cycle. Truth be told, Covid really isn’t helping, either. Dang near everything is modified and there is no such thing a easy access to activities. I’m either having to call ahead, schedule an appointment, or wait in a socially distanced line in order to do anything, and... AND... wearing a mask gives me a horrible headache, so I choose to sit my arse at home.

So how do I fix this? Beats the heck out of me! I have no clue. My point is writing is not because I had a profound Ta-daa moment to share, but because I felt the need to acknowledge my struggle in hopes of being able to put it in perspective and then move past it. But so far... still drawing blanks. Clearly this is not my miracle moment. I have faith that my Ta-Daa will come. Maybe it’s not today, probably not tomorrow either, but it will come. For now, I am going to sit quietly at my dining room table, eat the rest of my meal and try my best to enjoy the experience instead of hyperventilate because I can’t fill the want to have more. 

[latindiva25]

What does Anxstressity look like?

That’s right, I said it... anxstressity! You know, that feeling you have deep down inside when you are so unbelievably consumed with life and so overwhelmed that you’re acting out but don’t even know it? Yeah, that thing. I call it anxstressity!

Check it out... I woke up this morning in the best way. My hubby left for work, the kids slept in, and I had blissful uninterrupted sleep until almost 10 AM. I woke up naturally (which almost never happens) and I laid in bed thinking about all the things I had to consciously let go in order to fall asleep last night. There... There in that very moment is when it started, anxstressity, only I didn’t know it.

I have been leading this group, Girls with Goals, and so far it has been going well. It keeps me accountable and allows for some pretty awesome female mentoring. Yesterday I made a call for action and asked each lady to pick one goal they would really like to dig into before August ends. My goal was to find a way to successfully meal prep. I have struggled with this for a long while (to long to pubicly admit) and it’s high time that I get on track. I stated my goal then spent a good portion of yesterday evening dilly dallying on line looking for cookbooks, spices, and other things to aid in my success.

When I finally laid my head in the bed, I had that undeniable knot in my stomach, that one that tells me that I am once again going to epically fail at something that I publicly proclaimed as a goal. Ugh. I YouTube’d some sleepy time weight loss meditation and geared up to pass out. I had so many thoughts floating in my head that I had to restart the guided meditation three times before I was able to drift off, and as I felt myself fading into a sleepy oblivion, I asked for help. I asked for a tiny miracle to come my way so that I could make this weeks goal become a success!

I slept... I slept like a champ. When I got out of bed I hit the shower and enjoyed the few minutes of quiet time before my kids found their way out of their rooms and into my hair. Before I was done showering, the chaos started. First my daughter, then my son. Both of them pounding on my door with yelps of “we gotta peeeeee!” I pulled myself out of my steamy safe haven and headed to my room to get dressed.

I walked into my bedroom and I was met with the flashing of my cellphone. Someone called. I scooped my phone up and noticed several missed calls and a few messages. My prayers for a tiny meal prep miracle had been answered. My earthly angel recently rejoined JC weight loss program and decided she was going to take me along for the ride, AGAIN! We are lifetime members, but I haven’t JC’d in damn near 20 years! Any who, my earth angel dropped me off 2 entire weeks of pre-packaged meals (neatly placed outside my front door) and sent me a love text telling me that it was high time that I get in the drivers seat and zoom towards my goals. I cried.

Who the hell cries because someone dropped off some diet food? Me, that’s who! Why? Why cry? Anxstressity, that’s fricken why! That overwhelming feeling that bubbles up from way down low and stops right between the pit of your stomach and your throat, leaving you confused about whether you want to throw up or sob. Anxstressity!!!

In that moment, I knew my day would go all to hell. I knew I was going to spiral out of ever-loving control, have a full on adult melt down, and hit that jaggedity ass rock bottom before I was able to get it together again... Anxstressity! So what did this emotionally driven, terrified of failing, to proud to admit the need for additional support, wanna make everyone else miserable because I was going to be limited to diet food for 2 entire weeks, day look like? Let me break it down from my perspective to the best of my recollection!

I sat on the side of my bed excited to not have to meal prep on my own, but pissed because I would now have to eat JC food for two entire weeks. I mean, I was pissed! I am pretty sure I cussed as myself, I know I cussed out my earthen angel, and I may have cussed about whatever else popped into my mind at the moment that deepened my pissed off episode.

I began to feel like I was sinking so I phoned a friend. By phoning a friend, I mean that I called my bestie and asked what time he was supposed to be back from his work trip. He was originally supposed to be back last night, but they are short staffed and the routes are long. To my ever loving dismay, he told me that he would be back super late tonight if he made it back at all. Well... definitely NOT what I wanted to hear.  I was desperate for a distraction AND we had tossed the idea around of a family day with the kids and in a split hair of a second, both ideas went to hell. So, I did what any adult would do as they were ramping up for an adult tantrum... I hung up the phone. No goodbye, no take care, just CLICK as the emotions grew.

Clean... I need to clean! Right? I mean, when you’re pissed, cleaning makes you feel better. Buuuuut, it didn’t. My hubby has the attention span of a toddler and has shit all over the basement and the common areas of the house. Clurdy piles of clothes in the living room, game room, dining room... what the hell? So I start to stomp, and cuss some more, and slam stuff around! Why? Because I had a point to make. 

By now my children are in the thick of it. I am barking commands and rattling off tasks quicker than they can follow along. My daughter was moving shoes, vacuuming, and folding clothes at the same time. My son was wiping counters, sweeping, and trying to wash dishes as I kept piling on the chores. Was that enough? Nope!

Let’s pick a fight! I was already feeling out of control, but didn’t even realize it. So I did. I picked a fight with my oldest. He is my favorite to fight with. Neither of us fight fare, and he is 100% not afraid to give it right back to me, definitely a worthy opponent. I started in on him about his messy trail, I piled on comments about why he was recently grounded, and when  he popped back in verbal self defense, I hit him with the verbal knock out punch, “You just ain’t going anywhere today!” What was that for? It was like I unleashed the floodgates of hell! Full on warfare. It was every ass for ourselves and God for us all! We went at it for a solid 2 hours. Yelling, making verbal digs at each other, slamming things down and around the house until I bull dozed past my threshold and slid face first into “Oh fuq, what did I do and how did we get here, AGAIN?” Anxstressity, that’s how!

I tried to rebound. I did. I apologized, retracted my statement about keeping him at home, stepped away from the situation to calm down. But I wasn’t done yet. Nope... I wasn’t done.

X asked me to take him to grab something to eat. Without going into to much detail, I will safely say that we have been working on trying to get him to learn that we don’t run out and grab fast food whenever we are hungry. This is a hard lesson to teach because I am 100% guilty of this! Keep in mind that tension is still high, because even though I apologized, he is still feeling attacked, so he claps back with an under the breath response. Here we go... round 3, or 23, or whatever! He stomps to the kitchen, makes himself a snack, is too pissed off to eat, and throws it away! Side note... I had not eaten a single thing at this point, and it was pushing 1 PM. So, I lose the little bit of sanity I had left and completely flip my shit. I command both my kids to the car and I yelp all the way to his destination. I pretty much open my door and boot him out of his seat and then keep rolling. Rolling where, you might ask? Right to the damn Taco Bell drive thru.

During my bickering match with X, lil Miss Y states that she has a headache. I look in the back seat and she is miserable. Curled up, fetal position, hands on ears. So, I diagnose her as “hungry!” Why wouldn’t I feed her one of my favorite stress relieving foods? I drive straight to Taco Bell, order my stress relieving concoction, and then we pull over into a spot to eat. I take my food out of the bag, sink my teeth into my first bite, and the tears start rolling, AGAIN. Anxstressity.

It wasn’t until my 12 year old baby girl looked at me and said “Go head... eat your taco and have you a good cry, sis! We all have them days. Have your moment, wipe off your face, then get it together” that I realized what the hell was going on. I was having a full blown anxstressity attack! I mean full fricken blown. But why... Over meal prep and diet food? 

Yes, in the simplest of terms it was over meal prep and diet food! But when I think about it, it was so much more. It was over battling a life long addiction to emotional eating. It was over feeling like I had no control over my decisions for 2 entire weeks. It was over someone else helping me when I swore that I would be able to do it on my own! It was over missing my friend and failed family plans. It was over piles of clean vs. dirty laundry scattered all throughout the house. It was over anxstressity! 

So, now what? What do I do now that I have sabotaged my day and probably my kid’s day too? I write. I sit and and write about it in hopes of getting myself together so that the next time I feel anxstressity coming on I’ll be able to sit and (hopefully) read about today’s chaos and use it to make better decisions!

[latindiva25]

“But... It’s not my Fault!”

How many times have we heard that? Seriously, how many times? I hear it every day! I hear it from my kids, my husband, my baby daddy, my friends. It’s NEVER their fault. So, who’s fault is it? Is it mine? Is it? Is it my fault? Mmmmm, I think not!

Life has taught me many lessons in 44 years. The hardest to learn was the lesson on accountability. It’s easy to blame someone else, but not so easy to accept our part in a catastrophic situation. 

Case and point: I have a friend that was scheduled to renew his registration for his vehicles in early July. The notice came in the mail a month or two before he needed to snag his stickers. He gave them to me and asked me to hold onto them and remind him as the time got closer. Sure thing, right? I can do that, and so I did. I gave weekly reminders all the way up to his birthday. I even offered to mail out the registrations to safe time and fuss. He said he would take care of it. We are now at the end of August (dang near into September) and my dear friend NEVER got his stickers renewed! I have given multiple reminders since the passing of his birthday and keep hearing “I’m busy, I don’t have time, I don’t have the money.” All valid, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s riding dirty!

Compounding Factors: Beyond not getting the stickers for his vehicles, my friend has been having some problems with insurance. He received a letter from his agent stating that they were dropping the coverage on one of his rides. He was irate! “I’ve paid my premiums! Why are they doing this shit?” I hop on line and take a look at his driving record and I see why! Ticket, ticket... ticket, ticket, ticket! Seems like someone has an issue with time management combined with a lead foot and is always in a hurry to get somewhere! He contacted the insurance agent who was supposed to be looking into options. He hasn’t heard back from the agent in over a week. I ask, “did you call back to see what’s going on?” Nope. “Did you reach out to other insurance companies to see if you can get coverage elsewhere?” NOPE! I was met with the infamous “I don’t have time to make calls while I am on the road.” Ummm, Ok! Never mind the fact that sometimes we talk for an hour or so while he’s driving, there is not time to call the agent. Got it!

The Icing on the Cake: My dear friend happens to drive for a living, and he drives for a great company that compensates him well! He needs a clean driving record and a current license to stay employed.

Looking at the above scenario, can anyone see the makings of a catastrophe? No? Just me? Ok... let me point out the obvious

1. Registration on his vehicles are almost 2 months out of compliance. This may result in some extra hoop jumping with the BMV.

2. Riding around with expired registration puts my dear friend at greater risk of getting pulled over and ticketed... again. 

3. Additional tickets are  going to do NOTHING to help him negotiate with his insurance company to keep all his vehicles covered.

3. He is about to lose coverage on one of his vehicles and hasn’t done anything to fix the situation. There is a good possibility that when his insurance company drops the coverage, the BMV will get the notification and send out an insurance verification request. Failure to provide proof of coverage for all vehicles will result in license suspension.

4. Suspended license means losing his job! 

Do we see the catastrophe trail now?

So, I ask... Who’s fault is it? Is this my fault? Is this the BMV’s fault? Is this the insurance company’s fault? Mmm, pretty sure that if my friend was doing what he was supposed to all along, none of this would have happened, yet he seems to still think none of this is his fault when he had time, he didn’t have the money. When he had the money, he didn’t have the time. He can make calls while driving, just not to the insurance company. Something always happens to make him late. He just didn’t realize that he was driving so fast. I guess when you’re a victim of circumstance, it really isn’t your fault!

[latindiva25]

It’s all in the Details

Ever have a convo with a friend, co-worker, or vendor and walk away feeling like you nailed it, only to find out that they didn’t get half of what you meant to convey? 

It’s a struggle to communicate EVERYTHING you want and need when you are excited an in the moment. Case and point... My friend, Mari, had a client reach out to her about an order. She inquired about whether or not Mari could do a custom order. Mari responded with “Sure, I can customize something for you.” They spoke for a brief moment and both of them left the conversation feeling pretty confident that they discussed the same thing, only to find out that they had two totally different visual concepts of the same order. When the client showed up to pick up her order, she was pissed!

I listened to this not so nice lady yelling at my friend for about 10 minutes before I had my fill and stepped in. “Excuse me for the intrusion, I see that you’re pretty upset. I was present when Mari spoke to you about your initial order, and there is no way that all this was discussed in the 5 minutes that you two spoke on the phone! Were there follow up phone calls?” The both of them fell silent and stared at me like I was green!

The truth of the matter is that Mari was so excited to promote her ability to customize that she didn’t ask what specific customizations her client was looking for. Her client was so excited to find someone to accept her request for customizations that she didn’t clearly paint the picture of what she wanted. Wow, did this lead to a hefty one side slew of words! I felt like I was sitting ringside at a wrestling match, watching my friend take a beating. All of it was unnecessary, at best.

After the whole ordeal was over, I asked... What prompted you to take an order that you knew you couldn’t complete? She showed a pic that clearly included edible graphics and you don’t have an edible graphic printer. Mari stated that her client only ever asked if she could customize. The client never indicated what customizations she wanted nor did she send photos. 

Communication is key in every aspect of business. Heck, it’s key in every aspect of life! Miscommunication leads to confusion and confusion leads to chaos! So, what could have been done differently? The answer... so many things! 

1. My friend could create a generic intake script, letting her potential clients know a little about her services instead of assuming they already know.

2. My friend could create a req sheet and work her way through it for each order so nothing gets left out.

3. My friend could have asked her client to send concept photos. This would have solved the problem from the get.

4. The client could have detailed the customizations that she wanted.

A simple thought out process or probing questions could have saved this whole scenario and kept me out of the battle zone.