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[lasttwocells]

09082022

Hey, it's been a few weeks how are you doing?

So here's a little update on what's been going on. I have 29 minutes until i have to enter this training so i'll try to fit everything in here. (lol that's what he said)

So i dont really remember what all happened since my last post, buti do remember whats happened this week, so that's where i'll start. Last wednesday dude and I went to town to have a few drinks, I got drunkies. I wasn't expecting to get drunkies, but it happened. It was all chill until the drive home. I threw up twice. I think it was mostly due to dude's driving, and not the alcohol. Like he was driving too fast, in reality, he probably shouldnt have been drig tbh. but whatevers. We cuddled when we got home and it was nice.

He game over again on sunday after work and that was nice. we talked alot on sunday. Like more than usual. I'm noticing a pattern tho. Whenever i talk for more than a few minutes, he zones out. When I want to comment on something he's talking about thats completely related, he says i interrupted him without letting me finish my thoughts. But when he does the same he goes into a long winded unnecessary explanation about something before apologizing for interrupting. Then we talk about whatever he wants to talk about.

So naturally, I don't really talk a lot. I try not to talk for more than a minute or so at a time, cause I'm clearly boring him. I remember one time, we were chillin. I'm pretty sure I was discussing my childhood or someshit and after like 5 minutes he was like "sorry I wasnt paying attention, i was thinking about potential tattoo ideas." Like damn okay. I just wont talk about my shit then. Sick.

T kinda does the same thing. I dont talk about my shit much anymore unless I'm drunk. Which isn't very often anymore cause my brain gets stupid when I'm drunk. My brain got stupid on Monday. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Just the basic themes of never making my parents proud and never being good enough. Nothing new, really. I should be able to get over this shit honestly, but whatever.

Also, dude said my kitchen was disgusting on Monday. That shit offended me hardcore. But only because he had no place to speak. "my kitchen isn't nice but at least my theres no dishes in the sink" Theres no dishes in the sick because he doesnt eat at home. He eats out damn near every day. Dude can't cook. like at all. And the rest of his house is cluttered and a mess and full of empty bottles cause he's an alcoholic.

Idk. I was going thru big emotions on monday cause I drank too much. I hated everything. had some SI. but i slept it off.

Until next time, D.

[lasttwocells]

08252022

Bruh, I just got hella in my head and am lowkey freaking out rn. like i wanna cry cause i'm overwhelmed, but im in an online training and my camera is on. Fuck dude.

So let's start with yesterday. I was supposed to pick up dude from the airport last night after work. He's been out of town for a week visiting family, which is great. He had a great time, love that for him. He told me that he would text me when he got to his layover and when he boarded the plane, but he didnt. So i'm out here trippin cause i didnt receive a text or call from him.

Naturally, I looked at flight trackers to try and see which flight/airline he might be at to see approx when he'd be back. Called/texted/messengered him, no answer. Shit, i even left a voice mail. No answer. He ended up calling me an hour later saying that he flies in today in the morning and he apologized for not communicating with me and making me stress. I appreciated that.

he texted this morning and gave me more details as to why he had to reschedule his flight. His reasons kind of irritate me, like this could have all been avoided! like he could have been home with me but he made irresponsible decisions. So we're gonna have to talk about that at some point. He works nights the next few days (nights?) so it's gonna be a minute before that converstation happens.

anywho, so about my current stressors! fuck. so, I'm in a training about racism in schools or some shit. the presenter has a doctorate in education. So i looked it up and decided that it's definitely an option for me. I did some research on the courses and requirements. All seem super doable. No big deal. Then I looked up how much its gonna cost. 7k per semester! thats 42k for 3 yrs! Thats so expensive!

So now i'm stressing myself out over shit that's still in the pre planning phase! Like I haven't even fully done any of my research! I still need to get a music therapy certification/degree thing. like fuck man. like this doctorate thing wont happen for at least 7 years, realistically. I have to be financially stable first.

but it's all so overwhelming! I got myself in this headspace. I got myself stressed out for shit that might not even happen. I literally got myself overwhelmed at the idea of that the bigger picture can potentially look like all before lunch time.

such a stupid brain thing to do. I hate that. I hate that my brain does that. like its really dumb. And it's taking away my focus from this training. Which actually has some pretty good material and it's super engaging. But here I am stressing at the thought of getting another degree so my parents can be proud.

Like im about to cry at the thought of my parents maybe being proud of me. like wtf brain. not cool. not cool at all. Like it's not even lunch yet. y u gotta do this to me!?

ugh.

Until next time, D.

[lasttwocells]

08172022

A few updates. I spent the weekend with Dude because it was his days off. Friday was really nice. Hung out with him after work, watched some tv, then we went to dinner. At dinner he was super nice to me (not that he's ever not nice to me), and he was just saying stuff about how I'm great companionship and how he's super proud of the work I do, etc. Then we went to karaoke with T. T was having a bad day so i asked him if she could join, he said yes. So we go to karaoke, he and I both sing some songs and have a drink then we go back to his place. We're chillin, catching up on our Game of Thrones rewatch and we go out for a cigarette. While we're having a smoke break, he says the L word and I say it back. So that was kind of sweet. Then we finished the show and went to bed.

I left that morning to go take care of some stuffs before going back to his place to go to his company BBQ. The BBQ was chill. His boss' house is hella nice. Legit house goals, dude. Then we go back to his place and have a few drinks and continue watching tv.

Then we both had work so we haven't really talked much cause he's been working days, instead of nights. But i see him tomorrow after work, he's gonna come over and then I drop him off to the airport and he'll be gone for a week :(

I hung out with M everyday since Sunday. Bruh, like when we were hanging out, we laughed so fucking hard. I haven't laughed that hard since the snail trail incident and holy fuck. Like it was such a good feeling. I miss laughing like that. Like i really do. We used to laugh like that a ton with the old friends. It was the same when she came over on monday. we laughed like a bunch of stupids. I loved it. I miss laughing like that.

Yesterday when we hung out, we didn't laugh like that. Boy T was having a bad day and it made things a little bit awkward and M left. Boy T and I talked it out tho, so I think we're good? Hopefully? idk. More on that another time i guess.

This is a long one. Whoops. I got a new keyboard and I am fucking loving it. Like these switches are hella nice. I love it so much. SO MUCH!

Until next time, D.

[lasttwocells]

08092022

Today was my first day! I was kinda nervous cause the email i got said to show up at noon, but the Boss texted me and asked if I was at the office around 10. So nerve-wracking! It ended up being okay and everyone was super understanding, so that felt good.

The PT gals came over yesterday and it was so much fun. T finally recieved her bday gives and she was so happy! Honestly, it was so cute. I think we healed a part of her inner child. It was a cool feeling to be a part of that moment. Then CR came over unannounced and invited himself into my house cause he was worried about T. Which I get, but at the same time, like, we're not homies like that. You dont get to come into my space and make yourself at home and disrespect my people like that. Not okay!

He apologized today. Idk what it is about that guy. I think he's like tryna impress me or something? Maybe he wants my approval? Idk. But homeboy is always tryna 1up me or some shit. Like, bruh. You ain't gotta lie to kick it. We're just tryna chill and have a good time, you don't gotta peacock around me. It's not a good look, bud.

Anywho, today we went and watched a movie with the PT gals and co. We watched Easter Sunday. It was an okay movie, I found some parts to be funny, but it was very single noted. They mispronounced hella words and some of the green screen work looked very low quality. But all in all, it was nice to see the representation. It was cool to not need subtitles and understand the little references and stuff.

Dude was supposed to come over last night after his adventure, but he didn't. I called and texted him around 1a to see if he was still coming over cause yagrl was getting sleepy. He didn't respond til like 2ish cause he fell asleep on the couch. I didn't even know he had made it back home. So that was kind of annoying. So I'm gonna talk to him about that when I see him this weekend.

Today was a good day.

Until next time, D.

[lasttwocells]

08062022

Ya know, I was just sitting on my favorite spot on the couch, in my house, after eating my favorite food (it's wings, btw. plain wings. wow. chef's kiss) and I had a thought. It's not a revolutionary thought. And I'm forsure not the only one who has thought these thoughts. But my thoughts were full of gratitude. Like there was once a time where I didn't think any of this was possible. At all. I never thought I'd graduate with a degree. Let alone, two. I never thought I'd be able to find new friends to fill the void that the old crew left. But I did.

If you were to tell 16 year old me that all the plans I half assed into the universe would come to fruition, I would call you a lying ass hoe. But here I am. Like, what the hell. When did it happen? How did this all happen? Cause like, in my head, I'm still like 25. Yagrl is 32 now. She old af. Sometimes I still feel like I'm 16.

I been seeing a bunch of stuff on The Tok about healing the inner child. I'm wondering if that's what I'm subconsciously doing. Like I often just play with people for the sake of playing. Cause being serious all the time is a legit fucking drag. And my friends have pointed out that not everyone is like that. Idk.

I got distracted while I was writing. But I think that's all for now.

Until next time, D.

[lasttwocells]

08052022

Hello? I haven't written on an online format in a long time. I think at this point, it's been maybe 7-10yrs? I don't know what this is for. I know no ones going to read this. I know that in theory, I could just have an on going Word or Google doc. But here I am.

I just know that i need to reflect and write down some thoughts and feelings. Something's off. I know this because I haven't been sleeping. This week I haven't slept much at all. Like, I haven't been going to bed til 5-6am. I'm not even doing anything. Sometimes I'll read, but the past few nights, i haven't. I've just been watching the endless stream of short videos AKA The TikToks. Goddamn that app!

But we're not here to talk about the algorithm on my FYP. I just need to figure out why I can't sleep. Like what the fuck, dude. Typically when this happens, it's cause something is wrong.

I think I was a stressy bessy because I didn't have a start date or anything, but that all just got sorted. I start on Tuesday! I'm excited!

I think the real reason is because I find myself getting close to new friends. The kind of close I was when I was hanging with my HS friends. I'm seeing the same patterns. I'm seeing us laugh at the same stupid shit. I'm seeing the vulnerability and the trust. We're sharing eachother's deepest darkests. Everything. It's honestly terrifying. I'm not tryna get burned like I did before. But at the same time, I love having a little crew of gal pals.

I've also divulged and unloaded some trauma onto them, and Dude as well. So the not sleeping thing can also be a trauma response to opening the box? Possibly. M told me that she's noticed my scars...That's the first time anyone has told me they seen them. I think that fucked me up last night. I thought I did well at hiding them. I guess not? I don't know.

I think that's all for now though.

Until next time, D.