lasdkjfal - Tumblr blog

[lasdkjfal]

Probably just goi mg to go on a sad music binge because I can't do much else and I was want to feel ok all the time like is that too much to ask

And I had a breakdown the other day in school and my friend and teacher saw and my teacher said I could talk to her but I'm worried she's going to tell someone else and the last time I opened up to a teacher she left at the end of the year so I didn't get that help anymore Nd idk it's all just a mess and I'm probably gonna have another break down in school at some point and I'm not looking forward to that becuase it would mean that people see I'm not ok and I don't want to burden them with that becuase I'm supposed to be happy or whatnot and not the way I am and it's tricky and difficult and idk man, it's weird

[lasdkjfal]

I feel like if I just left my friends alone they'd forget about me or even not care that I was there anymore and idk it hurts becuase I know it's probably true. Like I'm always alone at break and lunch times and like no one texts me and yeah

Also I feel depressed but I'm too scared or whatnot to ask my mum to go to therapy and I sure as hell am not going to tell my school so that's stressful and like I don't know what to do anymore

I'm in pain alot now from my teeth and probably soon becuase period and it's not fun and I want it to all stop but there is not way that I can do that And it's annoying

[lasdkjfal]

Oh hey I forgot I had a rant blog

[lasdkjfal]

i just want all this stress to just leave... like i dont want any of it anymore, i dont care its just like idk, i just dont like it and i dont know how to not feel this cuz its baout things that i cant conrtol (like school, gender shit occasionally and like other things too) and its just shit

[lasdkjfal]

People in my class are actually starting to ask if I'm okay, and idk how to react cuz like idk, I said to someone like what's been goin on in my head recently and like yeah she kinda just talked about it and it made me feel better but now she's like askin if I'm okay and it's weird? Like I'm not against it or anything!!! I jusy feel like I should apologise cuz like I might be annoying her and I might just be another problem ir something and I dony want that but yeah.

[lasdkjfal]

Oh hey, another rant ;;;;

Is it bad to misgender yourself in you head? Like I keep saying to myself that Im female and all that and it’s honestly making me feel so shit? Like whenever I feel in a male mood my head is like ‘no. You’re female. Thats all. You’ll never be that, people will never see you as anything else’ and I’m starting to belive it. Like I get that some people know I’m genderfluid and all but like I never give indications on what mood I’m in. And like whenever I’m in like a 'male mood’ and someone refers to me as a girl it honestly hurts and sends my mind off and like idk it affects me for a good while after? I get that they wouldn’t have known or anything but it still hurts. And now because of people constantly saying 'she’ or 'her’ or 'your the one girl in the class who…’ and like it’s making me feel like, no matter what I may say, I csnt change that I’m female and everyone will think of me that way.

Alternatively phrased:

Is it bad that I purposefully misgender myself in my head? Like just whenever I feel male like my head is like 'no youre female and thats how it is and you can’t change that’ and like if someone refers to me as female in those moments it just affects me for the rest of the day because in the end it’s true? And I find myself just thinking, it’s all people are going to see me as. No matter what I may tell them, ultimately, they’re going to say something about me being female and while yeah it’s chill, sometimes I am like that, but sometimes I’m not and it hurts the most then. But I cant tell anyone about this cuz like I don’t want to annoy them or anything and I just, I don’t know anymore

This is in no way directed at people online or anything because you’re all amazing here, jt’s more in person or in school that it’s hell and I have no idea how to fix this without brining it up and I’d feel really shit if I did bring it up because that’s just me, I can’t handle like confrontation and all that but like yeah, I don’t know what to do about this…

Sorry

[lasdkjfal]

i just want to cry and i dont know why i jsut do and i know im not going to be able to finnish stupid tech becuase i know i want to do it but my body isnt letting me and its making me not do it even thought i know i need to do it and im honestly terrified and i dont know hwo to not i cant talk to nayone really in person about it becuase i dont want them to worry - i dont want my mum to worry or get invloved and i know its probabyl  not healthy to keep this all inside but i dont know what else to do because i cant talk to anyone at school about it becuase i dont want to be another problem - which i probabyl will be im ill and this cold is maing me feel even shitter and i dont want to do anything but i know i have to but i dont really know what else to do though probably just do homework... sorry

[lasdkjfal]

Ugh tommorrow is goinna be a whole bunch of shit

So its dance and like i get that we’re doing international dances, but fucking im going to be so uncomfortable doing ‘belly dancing’. shit like i dont think theres a way i can sit out either. i dont even like the dance/gym pe kit we have - its like leggings which are bad on times when im not okay with myself and liek the top is a bit short too which is also really shit

and fucking i get that i have to do it but like ive been told to ‘bring in a scarf that you can put round your waist’ i dont own any fucking scarfs im not that kind of person, i only have like fricken knitted scarfs that arent even that long

sorry im just freaking a ltitle cuz im terrified of it. i mean its third period tomorrow so a least ill have first, second and break to prepare mentally but yeah its not going to be okay and i dont know what to do to help this

[lasdkjfal]

First little rant of this blog ey

Ugh

Okay so like I've been doin this rp eith this one person for like a yesr now and while yeah there have been breaks - it's mainly been like okay. However, recently (like the last fee months) I haven't really been replying to the reblogs cuz school and stress and other things too. Now, the thing is, they've started to message me like 'hi' or 'hello' or smthn like that and I'm guessing it's to prompt me to reblog the rp and while I may apreciate it as a reminder, it's getting a bit stressful and like idk whenever I see they're url I feel guilty cuz i havent rebloged it and replied. The thing is it's like most tomes when I'm on tumblr and like idk it's stressing me out a bit. But I don't want to say anything cuz thst.may be mean and all And I'd feel shit aboit it but like heck.

They sent me a message like two minutes ago being like 'i know you're online! Im bored' and smthn like that and idk I'm a little stressed and idk what to do cuz i can't just leave and go off tumblr even tho my eyes are hurting cuz screen brightness and I'm very quite tired, I'd feel and if I just rebloged it once and then just went to sleep cuz i know they've been waiting for this for like a couple of days and idk I just feel really shit about it

And now it's jsut like I dint want ti reblog anything cuz it'll make them think I'm still online and may be ignoring them and shit idk what to do ugh

[lasdkjfal]

Well shit