larvatusprodeo - Tumblr blog

[larvatusprodeo]

It was such a bad day at home. I managed to sleep and then there’s a shit storm at work. I didn’t do anything wrong but I’m still not out of the woods. Lastly I do a three card reading and it’s meh, then good?, then awful and scary.

The end? Death of? What person is lurking to stab me in the back??

[larvatusprodeo]

Since you never had anything, you’re always trying to play catch up

So deficient, so behind, I’ll never catch up

Forever unprepared, inadequate, lacking

My star rose no more

With “remember when’s” replace the now

Pathetic shadow, a facsimile, originals gone

A fossilized outline of me next to you, a small indentation on soft gum leather

No one knows me, in fact they never met me

Always playing catch up and it’s never around

[larvatusprodeo]

apparently I need to be careful and not cross my bridge until it’s done. My health, which is very accurate, may be bad. I need to not overindulge.

some shit talker or fake person in my life I need to be careful over. more concerns over bad health. :/ so true…

in the future victory and merriment.

[larvatusprodeo]

Again I’m am here in tears

I hate you so much I can scream

You being all the vile shit in life that comes across my path that sends me in a detour to sickness, anxiety, hate and ire

It’s easy to absorb you’re stupidity, you’re laziness, your bad temper, your pointing finger high and from up high

You who don’t have an ounce of compassion

You who don’t have a soul

And I take it, I lay down and take it because that’s what a decent person does

I hate you

I hate that you get to live a better life than me

I hate that others get what we couldn’t have

I hate that you get a happy ending

But I really don’t

I wish you well but let me say I hate you to remove your stain from our souls

It should’ve been her, ours, and not hers, and yours

I destroy what I held dear, prayed for

Let me write these vile hyperbolic words to free myself because I don’t feel this way

I just need to write it

Let the ghosts be free, amen

[larvatusprodeo]

It went bad today, very bad. I didn’t keep my cool and I panicked. I showed too much emotion. I embarrassed myself. I should be condemned and taken to the back swiftly for a bullet in the head.

The ultimate cure for this human condition I call failure. I’m a failure. I’m no fucking good. I never was and never will be. Any promise I showed was quickly smoked up like meth at the Basement. I fucked up and I didn’t use it, so I lost it.

What does it matter. Blood spilled, out of the womb tomb. The next three generations signaling my time has gone, spent.

I’m a no one, never was, never will be and hideous to boot. I’m a fucking monster.

There’s no redeeming the irredeemable. I took a shot, aimed to high, came back on my face. The spit intermixed with my tears and the rain.

I fucking miss the rain. Let it one day wash away the stink. I will never be clean though, I will always reek of failure. I will never be clean.

[larvatusprodeo]

It can never go easy.

But why should it?

Didn’t I just “learn” a lesson in patience and anger today?

Let’s test the little scumbag, see if their ears were perked during the reading.

Well here I am, taking breaths, smiling, biting the tongue.

Maybe it’s not good enough? I need to extend it, rearrange it, turn my head sideways, up ways, byways, March to a new tune.

Beat myself, shape myself into a tool for everyone’s easement. Why even do this?

Does it suggest I am a decent person who wants to stop being an angry hammer? Beating away at hearts and minds? Do I do it so I don’t look the ogre? Does even caring at all show growth? I don’t know that answer, I don’t know if I’m decent or that wanting to change means I can be saved.

I was never sure if my feelings towards humanity, I don’t want suffering for others.

I do want my own pain, and others to get what they deserve. Fate needs no push from me in that department.

Am I human? What is human? What’s normal? Is this normal? Am I good to go?

All I know is I need to ease the world of their suffering, suffering through my insufferable ass.

Maybe then I can be human.

[larvatusprodeo]

Wiesław Wałkuski "Kuglarz"

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Safia Elhillo, from "Summer," Girls That Never Die.

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[larvatusprodeo]

{Words by Anaïs Nin, from The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4 (1944-1947) / Cynthia Cruz from diagnosis,The glimmering room}

[larvatusprodeo]

People rejecting you is okay

You aren’t entitled to people liking you

Maybe you aren’t likable

It’s not the end of the world

You don’t need them

They don’t affect you

They are people you are forced to be around anyways

If you died they wouldn’t care

If they died you wouldn’t care

Life isn’t a popularity contest

Some people just don’t see eye to eye

You’re an acquired taste

You’re not for everyone

You don’t care

Even if you do care

What’s behind the mask is irrelevant

Your mask is clean, pure, controlled, aloof, distant, unbothered

What’s behind shouldn’t be seen

[larvatusprodeo]

dreaming of a cat being bitten, but not killed, by a snake. Snake was dead tho. So I’m making my interpretation as positive changes and maybe inner strength.

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D . Vista

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McDonald’s horror musical based on the happy meal toys

[larvatusprodeo]

Had a dream me and A. lived in the same trailer park. J. was a kid again. Running around happy. I was with R. I think M. was there too, her being friends with R. I was also ditching school. I was sad for my grades but it felt so good. Maybe because I played hooky today too.

[larvatusprodeo]

i did my taxes, took a long walk by the cemetery and got two very nice and sincere compliments from ancianos about my bauhaus shirt and my face lol

i took an actual power nap and feel so energized! it’s 5pm and I haven’t even eaten wow