larksheaven

[larksheaven]

—Albert Camus

[larksheaven]

Andrés Neuman, Traveller of the Century (trans. Nick Caistor & Lorenza Garcia)   [ID in ALT]

[larksheaven]

the thing is that i don’t know where to put myself now. where do i put all this soul i have? who do i give it to if not you? where is it worthy of being placed? i have held it, my arms grow weary now. they try to hold it, the others. but it falls away. between teeth. between slippery fingers. pressed between the lips on my thighs. you’ll leave too. they all do. it’s okay. it’s alright.

[larksheaven]

via @swatercolor [insta]

[larksheaven]

tonight it feels like my world is crumbling around me. the scene in inception where things just start exploding, the windows shattering and glass shards and dust washing the world away, and no one else bats an eye. end of the world by searows is playing, in my version. i am on my bed, crying a little. i try so hard not to let people get smudged by my ashes. i am trying. i am trying to burn less bridges. i am trying to let you hold my hand. i am trying.

you see it, right? even when i pray you’ll hate me, i hope you see it. i am trying. i am trying to make this work in a way that doesn’t look the way it used to. in a way that is ever so lonely.

i don’t want you to explode in the wreck either, so i keep you at arms length. i am worn down. i am threadbare, and so very tired. i’m trying to rest in a way that doesn’t lead to my waking in a pool of blood. it’s thicker than water but harder to swim in. i know that the blood is not mine. i know that no matter what i do, i cannot stop you from bleeding. i am trying to hold my tongue, to be silent again. to hold back on the salt. i want to be kind. i want to be kind. to myself again. i don’t know what that looks like. i only know what it looked like before.

i am trying to add nuance, i think. to bookmark the pages i liked best. to not burn the whole book in the pit because it gave me papercuts. shallow, but they sting. i never was too good at bandaging myself up. but i am trying. if you listen, you can hear it on the water. i am trying. i hope you can see.

[larksheaven]

It’s ok if it takes several years.

[larksheaven]

Virginia Woolf, from her novel titled "The Waves," originally published in 1931

[larksheaven]

change feels like pulling teeth, encumbered with guilt. like all your eggs were in a basket but they’re now smashed on the ground. like maybe your friends, the ones you’ve worked so hard to keep, don’t actually like you at all. like maybe they’re trying to tell you through some sort of subliminal messaging.

the thing is, i’ve been myself too long to not be honest now. i don’t think this is all there is. i think there is more, so much more than this. just because i’ve never felt friendship like this before doesn’t mean this is the pinnacle of perfect, two girls on a pedestal of my own making, ever to remain.

i think people can be mean, but also wonderful. i used to see only in black and white, but i’m getting better now. yet i still can’t tell shades of grey apart. like how dark a grey is dark enough for me to cut my tethers loose and freefall. like how light is light enough for me to feel a little safe forever.

friendship so all consuming you find yourself disregarding who was there for you when you were sick, when you couldn’t walk, when you were mummified in a hospital bed. when you were no fun at all, really. you do beg the question - life, or convenience? will you ever know?

i’ll say it again. i do not think this is all there is. i think there is more. saccharine sweet that isn’t laced with a little bitterness, a little squeeze of tart lemon that takes me aback every once in a while. every comment that makes me question what on earth they actually think of me. you can start out thinking love is unconditional, only to learn that it’s not. that selflessness is hard to come by. real love is a scam, you think. maybe. possibly. who the fuck knows?

[larksheaven]

[larksheaven]

don't worry, they're joking! they're always joking when it would be something, like bigoted. because i'm not a bigot, obviously, i just vote for bigots - well, they're not bigots either, you can't really call someone a bigot just because they have religious views. this is the land of the free, and it's a christian nation, after all. you can pretend otherwise but let's just be real here; all our values are really based on the bible. anyway, i know you liberals get your panties in a twist - can i say that, or are you gonna cancel me, haha, #metoo - about every little joke he said and every little dramatic political view. oh, fascist this and fascist that. you are online too much, you love the word fascist because it's big and you're just paranoid about things.

well, no, i don't, like, read the policies. i have a life. and so what if they wrote - stop it, it's not a manifesto, okay? he eventually backed off from that - oh the vice president? who cares about that guy, that isn't real power. you're being dramatic, they're just spitballing. everyone makes big claims when they're out there campaigning. he just means he personally wouldn't get gay married. you want him to divorce his wife and get gay married? anyway, even if they cancelled gay marriage - it wouldn't happen, okay? nobody i know really cares about that - it'd be states-rights like those abortions you love so much. and you live in a blue state. you live in like the gay capital of the world. i don't know why it'd be so bad for you, you're borrowing trouble there.

and besides, you're missing the point of his campaign! you people want to be victims so bad you completely ignore what we're really voting for. there are tons of good things that happened because of his name and his policies - the economy, for one. oh stop, just because i can't tell you what a tariff is off the top of my head doesn't mean i don't have eyes. and stuff was better under him! well, yeah, anything good is his work, obviously. what? no, all the bad stuff was biden. and probably also obama. what do you even care about this, anyway? it's not going to effect you. it's four years.

oh my god, not the climate change argument again, i'm not getting into that. i don't care about it. if my house is beachfront that's great news for me. and we don't really know what's causing it. no, i saw you forwarded me those articles and i just laughed. what, do you think i have time to sit on my ass and read shit? huh? well, no, i like reading the babylon bee. they actually had a great article about all you climate freaks. and in the meantime, what do you want me to do? i'm not paying 4 dollars for gas. liberals love to talk about solutions but never pay for the solutions. what do you mean blocked because of congress. you gotta stop with the conspiracy shit.

no, my side doesn't have real conspiracy theories. the vaccine thing is a real thing. besides, you yourself don't like big pharma. just because i have an opinion, suddenly now you think big pharma is great? and this is serious, okay? your mom's friend's coworker has a kid that died from a heart event. i don't want you getting any more vaccines. i regret that you got them as a kid, i'd redo them. what do you mean you'd vaccinate your own kids? are you finally thinking of having some? you know i want grandkids - oh stop, i've never pressured you, i'm just saying that if you're going to get gay married, you might as well give me some normal grandkids to love.

stop, you know what i meant. what? no, he's not going to take away your right to adopt. besides, you could always use a sperm donor, haha, i know your high school ex would love to - jesus! okay! no need to snap. i'm just saying that you don't need to be married to have a kid. the only real benefit to marriage is taxes, haha. it won't change anything. oh my god, no, there won't be a rise in hate crimes. well, it's not his fault what people do in his name! he eventually spoke out against that, anyway.

what do you mean he supported them? i didn't hear him say that. oh. well, yeah, he said it, but like, he's clearly joking.

[larksheaven]

i love you, and i think your body is beautiful and rare and should be protected.

and, at the same time: the term "body positivity" has warped entirely. i am watching us fall back into a super-skinny obsession: and you're not allowed to talk about it without getting told body shaming works in both directions.

fat people are still getting bullied at the same rate, if not worse than before. there was never an acceptance that "overweight" is an incredibly difficult term to define. acne is still seen as ugly. people with obvious scarring have had to deal with complaints we are "asking for attention online." trends pick out certain nose shapes, certain hip shapes, certain eye shapes - and there is a correct one to have. every time i make a post about how i do not want to hear if you think people are fat, i get at least a hundred people in the comments telling me - well yes but the american obesity epidemic! - you are not going to force someone to lose the weight by complaining about them. you aren't their doctor, they didn't ask, and i'm sure as fuck not listening.

but while we bite and scratch and claw our way forwards: the filters. the ozempic bodies. in the 90's, we worshipped those bodies, so it isn't unfamiliar for me. except this time, clearly disordered eating... it's just a choice. i'm being unfair. i watch a video where a girl only shows us her body to the side (a body-check, we used to call them), a waist with ribs removed. only after watching about six times can i see the very-small glitch that betrays the editing: barely a few pixels flicker when she starts to move.

why is it that people always jump to her defense in the comments of videos like this? "everyone wants body positivity until it's for skinny people." "you're just jealous." "you're haters." i think about the height of my eating disorder. i think about how many girls i knew, growing up, that had cut-out pictures from magazines of the aspirational bodies of models. we would put them on the fridge to "inspire us". now we cannot say this behavior is unstoppable, cruel, will kill you in time: we have to say it's her body, she can do as she desires.

i would have told you i was healthy, too, by the way. we can watch celebrities waste away in front of us - admit to never-eating, admit to intense workouts - but we have to parrot, consistently, she says she's doing great. it's always leave her alone when she's skinny. but people are still (somehow) making lizzo fat jokes, even though it seems we've otherwise moved on. i think of taylor swift as being an incredibly palatable white woman, a bellwether for the american opinion of the female body. in a few shots of her extremely athletic tour, you can barely see a faint curve of stomach. pregnancy rumors fly immediately. this is a 35 year old woman running miles in heels and short-shorts, and we think any amount of stomach is alarming on her.

it is possible to think two things at once. i think if you're a normal skinny person and you're just, like, existing - go for it. post the videos where you feel beautiful. if you were bullied for your body, i genuinely mourn for you and i hope for healing. if you need help, i'll support you, genuinely. i hope you'll support others when it's their time to speak.

and i think... it's so fucking obvious what's happening it's actually terrifying. except you can't say anything about it without "skinny shaming." without being anti-feminist. without being unfair. didn't i just say that healthy is a hard word to define? didn't i just say that your body is beautiful? why should i care? let's all just stop commenting on women's bodies!!

in a different video, i watch a woman say she ranges from US size 6-10. she's trying on dresses to wear as a guest to a wedding. the comments are not about body positivity and how the green dress looks (in my opinion) like the obvious winner. they are all telling her to lose weight. they are telling her to cover her arms or her belly. vomit emojis. this woman looks like my friends. this woman looks like me.

we know it's mostly kids, teens, and young adults on social media. we know it impacts their brains and self-image. so where is the line? where is alarming and where is body shaming. is it any of our business, anyway? sure, we had our own experience with this and it was traumatizing.

when can we just look at ourselves and say: i was here the last time this happened. it doesn't fade easy.

[larksheaven]

i don't want to celebrate but i know this body is an animal that i must tend to like a cow. i put on jazz music and rub my hands down my fur and sometimes brush out the tangles. the cowbody is splotchy and angry and grows horns and always walks too heavy. it is sometimes very hard to love a cowbody. it is hard not to envy the fox or the crow.

i don't want to celebrate, this was a terrible year and i accomplished nothing.

i put coffee on the stove though. i made my bed. i handmade all my christmas presents this year, and it made my mom happy. i don't cry every day anymore, just some of them, and it's not as violent. i finally made something recognizable as bread.

we are supposed to celebrate sometimes, because it is important for the animal body to feel joy, even for manufactured reasons. i hold garlands and feel raw and sullen. i want to spend the party with my eyes closed, just breathing. this was a terrible year, and took too much. in the span of twelve months - my life, slashed in pieces. from half-full to bottom-of-the-cup.

i am going to bake a lot of cookies. i am going to make champagne punch. i am going to show the cow of my body to an empty field and tell her - it's not much, but. this is how i will love her today, when i do not want to. i will put a bell on her and hold her. we are celebrating that i finally learned how to knit, and am very bad at it. that i walked my dog in dark woods and watched the seasons pass. that i made myself a good meal once in a while. we are celebrating nothing but the sun, the grass. the ever-lovely wide night sky.

for now, i guess. we celebrate that we did not die.

[larksheaven]

looking at the little fragile scraps of your life, trying to arrange them into the fabric of dragonfly wings. you'd rather be icarus, right? that's why you cry at the hymn. you want so badly out of this tower - good lord. you'd burn just for the chance for it.

[larksheaven]

something about you, and your voice, and your hands.

to be honest for a while now the world has passed over me in static. i feel it rumble overhead, unruly and unhappy, tire tracks over skin. when i close my eyes i see only refracted light and rain. no matter how much i sleep, i am exhausted over and over again. i have tried everything. girls and pills and makeup and prayer and chastity and sobriety and violence and tearing off a fancy dress and putting it on again. i might just be permanently shaped like this.

something about you, though. you cut into the soft bits. everything turns color-swift and loud. like you can push your hands through the fabric. like you can find me and pin me down. like all the running and fighting and biting down was pointless; i'd been home for longer than i'd counted. the first time you looked at me - really looked, caught my anxious eyes like a bird - i felt some little rabbit kick her legs, bound up somewhere in the razorwire radio silence dominating my heart.

i can't be known like that. i can't be touched like that. you can't love me like that.

i'll simply come apart.

[larksheaven]

fucking hate it when the stuff everybody says "actually works" does actually work.

hate exercising and realizing i've let go of a lot of anxiety and anger because i've overturned my fight-or-flight response.

hate eating right and eating enough and eating 3 times a day and realizing i'm less anxious and i have more energy

hate journaling in my stupid notebook with my stupid bic ballpoint and realizing that i've actually started healing about something once i'm able to externalize it

hate forgiving myself hate complimenting myself more often hate treating myself with kindness hate taking a gratitude inventory hate having patience hate talking to myself gently

hate turning my little face up to the sun and taking deep breaths and looking at nature and grounding myself and realizing that i feel less burdened and more hopeful, more actually-here, that i am able to see the good sides of myself more clearly, that i am able to see not only how far i have to grow - but also how much growth i have already done & how much of my life i truly fill with light and laughter and love

horrible horrible horrible. hate it but i'm gonna do it tho

[larksheaven]

i keep going back to where it happened and searching for clues. i try to pick up the pieces of me that i dropped along the way, like following a breadcrumb trail. i keep my eyes fixed to the road ahead and try not to let the shadows eat me up.

i try to put myself back together. but history has this silly little habit of repeating itself. sometimes it feels like something bigger is staring down at me, laughing.

silly ant.

she thought she could escape the lines by running. but she just ended up right back where she started.

the only cage that’s forever is the one in your brain. that’s the hardest one to outwit, and that’s the reason why i’m looking. like if i find enough pieces of myself and collect them all together, they will tell me an answer that i knew all along. it will make sense at last, perhaps. history repeats. the ant keeps running.

i’m like a performer with a bug in its brain. the louder i get, the smaller she feels.

there is some semblance of me, or something. some flesh suit i pull over my bones every day. see, this is how i know it’s gotten bad again. when i look in the mirror i’m not sure that’s really me. but if you started peeling, i don’t think you would ever stop.

they are laughing at me again. some way, somehow, they always end up laughing at me. they have different names by now, their faces are not the same. but they are still the same to me. they act the same as they used to. laughing. laughing so hard it drowns me out entirely.

[larksheaven]

it snows again, though. in january.

and it’s almost like it’s washing me over, or washing me so i get over you.

i know i broke your heart but you broke mine first, if we’re going for playground insults. when i talked to you about it, you asked if i didn’t like you any more. and i wanted to scream if only it was that simple.

i find it far too easy to fall in love with an idea, that the thought of falling for a person in whole feels fucking preposterous.

and it’s fine. i’m fine. my car freezes over again and i just don’t go out on sunday.

when i leave someone behind, they’re buried. i grieved you while you were still in my life. i wish sometimes, that i wasn’t so black and white, but i wonder still if that’s what’s kept me alive all this time. i am a bridge burner, an expert in walking away, when i am scared. when things are wrong. but it’s getting harder to, recently. even when i know that it’s right.

and now, i suppose you’re just another faded photograph. another what if. even though we tried the what if, and the what was of it all just kept coming back to haunt me. until it was just me out there.

standing in the snow. alone.

i say i’ll never love again but we’re standing next to my frozen up car at 1am and i’m sad i can’t drive you home through the snow. it’s cold and it’s november and you’re clinging to my lips like alcohol. your hands are like ice and the cold is cutting through to my legs but i’m standing with you so i’m fine. more than fine, really, but i’ll save that for another song. your nose is pink and i’m waiting until your uber arrives. you kiss me and i’ve never been kissed in the snow before. i just think you see me, is all. not through me. just me.