lacunas-paracosm

[lacunas-paracosm]

Life has been the most confusing these days. I don't know where I am going or if I am taking the right path. Although I know that I should trust Allah swt because he has already written my path for me, sometimes I cannot help but wonder why is it so hard to go further than my current state right now. I wanted to plan what I wanted to do next, instead of just going with whatever might happen, I wanted to be better for myself. Spiritually, mentally, and physically. It is confusing that I have to adjust myself for the sake of other people's happiness, although I know that I should prioritize myself in the hardest situations of life, sometimes I feel like my purpose in life is to help those people around me. But it is quite draining, where I have to understand them more, I have to exert effort to provide the needs of their pride and ego because if I don't at the end of the day, I would leave myself regretting that I should have done so much better for that person. I should have understood him/her more, it is quite hard to be like me. They say I should be thankful for having a heart that empathizes with people, a heart that could not bear the thought of being around someone who feels bad from hearing my rejection of giving help. I don't know what to do anymore, what to say, where to put myself in this cruel and greedy world. Who am I to complain?

[lacunas-paracosm]

Wow haha it's been a while tumblr, when was my last post? A year ago? Or 2? A lot has changed throughout. Guess what? I'm out of the cage, the cage I've been imprisoned in for almost 3 years of my life. How? Well, I got out of that toxic relationship I had with shimriy, shocking right? Yeah I did that. And oh, I stopped drinking already, Alhamdullilah. I'm in 2nd year college now haha, BSEd Major in English. Is that an achievement? Well yeah for me. But you know what was the most shocking news I have? After all these years? I am in a relationship again, well with someone I know from years ago. Someone I want to marry, for real, Inshaallah. His name is Ridzki, Ridzki Daligdigan, haha he was my schoolmate before, 8 years ago? One year older than I am. We were never friends or anything but, look at us now on our way to our 3rd month of relationship. Throughout these three months, he made me feel so much more than my almost 3 year on and off relationship with my recent ex boyfriend. It is true that, time does not matter when someone is treating you right. He treated me so much better, not spoiling me, helping me to grow up and be mature. But yeah, he is not perfect, we had a long way to try to fix each other's red flag, but the good thing is, he is always open to communication, we do fight a lot, but those fights never lasted for an hr or 2, it's fixed once we're all calmed down, we don't neglect each other nor leave each other. The word "give up" never exists within our vocabulary, and I like that. I like the thought that we oath to marry each other once we are financially stable, Inshaallah. You know what I love most about him? His love for my siblings, his love for the people I care about, his love for me. My family and friends love him, I know they do, they look for him and defend him every time I try to raise a fight. He always lectures me spiritually and rationally, he is an intelligent person btw, more intelligent than I am, he is emotionally intelligent and I am proud of how hard working he is with his goals, and you know what I love most? I am included in all his plans, always. I'll not give up praying for us, this is the only thing I could do for him to pray for us, for him, for a stronger mind and soul, for a halal relationship to follow Inshaallah. Well, I'll be around tumblr more these days, found out I can't tell anyone about us since it is a sin. So, I'll keep this to myself, just a way to express my emotions and feelings, I don't need anyone to know about it, I just wanted to minimize the thoughts, well, still an overthinker even after all these years, but I'm working on it. Ciao.

[lacunas-paracosm]

I pray I could cleanse my soul from my own monsters, my insecurities and doubts, my trust issues and regrets. I pray, I am not who I am today and that maybe tomorrow, I could face everybody without the unwanted hatred in my heart.

[lacunas-paracosm]

Its been a while since I wrote. And this time, I have so many things to say, not only to myself, but also to the people who I've chosen not to talk anymore. Its been almost 3 to 4 days since I decided to temporarily delete my Facebook, messenger and twitter. I have chosen to take a step forward after the depressing and unwanted happenings in my life, not with my lovelife, cos we have been growing and developing each day ever since we decided to work things out and try again. The problem is, with me. My mental health has been really unstable since the start of February, and it became a reason for me to go find comfort, not at home, not alone but maybe with people? That's what I thought. Those days, I thought I found peace with drinking here and there, being the 'high of myself' kind of personality. Until I get home and realized, "what have I done?" is this really the happiness that I've been longing for? To be that 'go to' friend but nobody was there to save me during those darkest days of my life, not that I blame them, I just realized, how could people be so insensitive with how they act around me and selfishly don't notice how selfishness is conquering them that I don't even have the rights to reserve love for myself. I try to lift everybody's mood but I was left in the middle with all of them staring at their phones or secretly laughing at me for trying so hard for them, that's how my anxiety developed each day. Until it worsen, and my personal relationships were affected, my moods are unstable, I doubt alot, with somebody's intention, feelings and perspective over me. Until I feel so bad about myself I couldn't find a reason to cry so I just yell, create problems with my man, cry and break down on my own, and ask myself, "who have I become?" where was the dedication of being someone better? Even my career path became blurry, my perspective became blurry as I see a new person right in front of me, a destroyed, toxic, idealistic person who's never gonna attain the happiness she wanted to have all this time. Although, it was more peaceful detoxing from social media, I'm still trying to recover from all the hatred and unwanted thoughts and feelings that has grown inside of me, I am still unstable yet I wanted to vent it all out after all of this. I've been praying and praying and asking the Almighty to help me, cos in the midst of darkness, He was the only one I could run to rn. I do not understand myself, but I know He can, and I'm hoping that the people around me could wait for me to regain myself, and actually wait for me to become the better version of myself.

Somebody that is not destroyed.

[lacunas-paracosm]

Running Away

Here I am, as a person you wouldn’t imagine I would be. Things has changed so much ever since I realized how hard it is to go on with life with too much toxicity around you. In the eyes of the others, I may be afraid, I am. To my God. As I’ve lived my life I realized what I should do to become a better person of myself, it is to run away. Run away from toxicity, from things I shouldn’t be knowing that could affect me for who I am. Social Media has affected me in many different ways, and one of that is actually going up against my own morals. Imagine, fighting against people, discriminating a lot of people when in fact, I pray 5 times a day to make it up to my God but I do the same thing again and again. I sin for what I say and what I try to say through the platform of social media. Asking God for forgiveness yet doing things he is against with, makes me think how useless it is and how embarrassing it is for me, to face my God every single day asking the same thing again and again, and he still witnesses me speak words he taught me not to.

at this very moment, I deactivated my face book account and twitter account to become the better version of myself. I may be talkative, and doesn’t want to live a day without talking but I am a person trying to include Allah in every decision and action that I make. I wanted to be somebody worth of saying his Name, and I want to face him without shame that I have disobeyed him and what his words brought to us. I am praying Insha Allah, I can go on with my everyday living without this platforms, and I could be somebody with peace and a healthy life. a genuine heart, and sincere kindness. 

[lacunas-paracosm]

Reflection

Okay so I just realized that I’ve been very careless with my life. I dream too high and hope that I’d get there and be there, I’d be more of who I am but, I allowed myself to be someone less than who I am before. I ranted and got mad at people who corrected me and well, pressured me a little in my academics. I didn’t know it was for my own good, I wanted to strive harder and better than who I am before because that was the reason I am here. I forgot my priorities and my dreams as a person, my faith was getting weaker because of the sins that I’ve done, I was brought to a situation where I began to fall because of my own doings. I didn’t want to waste the time and I wanted to be so sure of it, I wanted to change my perspective. Not for the other people but for my self.

There are times where I get mad on how people I love throw facts about me but they’re not wrong. My ego just can’t accept how I’ve become, I wanted to focus on what I want and manage everything around without being dragged by the negativities, decisions and mistakes that I’ve made. I wish I could get through this and keep it up until I reach the point of satisfaction and genuine contentment.

[lacunas-paracosm]

Hi, let me introduce to you my kigwas. Yeah, pretty odd to hear this name huh? 'cause it's the shittiest group name ever but we still chose it as our group name. Originally, kigwaers. It's funny actually, they're originally 4 boys from the same province and a 1 cute chubby girl. Then I came, the one who they said, created the bond between us. It was fun and exhausting, you know I admit we are overreacting and dramatic shts, all girls are like that ugh. Hahaha. But you know what's funny? We have spent a year together and our friendship brought the 6 of us to a different level. We've come to know each other, we've experience conflicts, knows each side of the story but who would've thought we're going to experience the cliche happenings when it comes to a relationship. "endings." Once upon a time, we've mingled with more people than the usual. It was happy at first, until we lost ac. My fault, I was too diverted of my attention, I even thought ac was just "overreacting" like everyone else. But, no. She was hurt, for us betraying the almost long-lasting strong friendship that we have. "Preference" I never looked at the boys the way I look at other boys, because they're different. That's what I thought. Beauty was never important, they say. No, the standards of beauty still matters to this people. They have preferred people who can drink with them, who has the beauty and stuffs. Forgotten that we exist, existence of this friendship is for long gone. I love them though, they made me feel how different it was to have a group of family. A family. I love them for being there for us and accepting our pasts and mistakes, for protecting and understanding us. I love them, the 4 of them. Treasures. But you know what? Like treasures, it can be buried somewhere people might not find it anymore with a treasure map. The treasure map? It's gone too, our bonds. I still remember our favorite lines, the jokes like "thank you for the memories" "you've change, a lot." It was funny, cute and silly. But now, yeah it did happened.

We've all changed a lot and those changes killed the friendship. Thank you for the memories, kigwas.

[lacunas-paracosm]

Insecurities

Before, I was the leader when it comes to 'loving yourself'. I always tell the others that you're beautiful, you don't have to compare yourself because you are better than that. You have your own unique feature but then, how hypocrite. I'm such a big hypocrite. When did I start being like this again? Why did I start to compare myself to other people? No. Why did I start to compare myself to her? I've downgraded myself more than how other people downgraded me. I told my self that I don't have to compare myself, I have to stop stalking, I have to stop thinking that I'm ugly. That I'm not good enough. Why? When did I start to become like this? I just wanted to become better for myself not to surpass others. Love poisoned me, it poisoned me. It's killing me that I'm barely alive. My insecurities ate me. I don't want to go back to those days, I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to be envious to others, to her. I don't want to be like this. I hate it. Why? Why do I keep on thinking that I'm ugly. Why.

[lacunas-paracosm]

I think I'd just stop waiting, it's useless. No one would ever try to stop me anymore. Let's turn our back.

[lacunas-paracosm]

Thank You Dudu

Gusto ko lang ishare dito kung gaano ako nagpapasalamat sayo part kahit di ko alsm kung makikita mo pa to. Sa lahat ng tao di ko inexpect na ikaw matatakbuhan ko habang palihim akong umiiyak sa kwarto, d ko kase malapitan si AC dahil may problema sya at ayokong makadagdag. Yung narinig mong umiiyak ako grabe yung pagaalala mo. "Iyak muna wag ka muna magsalita. Kwento mo mamaya iyak ka muna makikinig ako." At nung nagsalita na ako, "Lot, makinig ka ha, makinig ka. Tama na, mas pinaprioritize mo na sya kesa sasariling nararamdaman mo hindi na tama yun, tignan mo nga sarili mo. Tandaan mo, kaibigan ka lang. Si pauline girlfriend, kung talagang gusto ka nya dapat ikaw niligawan nya dba? Dapat inintay ka nya. Wag ka ng maawa hindi dapat kinakaawaan ganun tao, emotionally unstable yun. Kung anong sasabihin nya, pakinggan mo lang pasok sa isang tenga labas sa kabila, wag ka ng umasa lot. Wag ka ng maniwala. Maawa ka naman sa sarili mo. Dba kahit si tupe gusto na itigil mo na? Katulad ng gusto ko kaya ngayong gabi dapat magising ka. Makipagkaibigan ka, sige hindi naman maiiwasan yan lot. Pero wag ka ng umasa. Wag ka ng maniwala, totoo man o hindi okay? Tahan na, tahan na lot." Thank you dudu. Kahit lagi tayong nagaaway kase magkaiba tayo ng perspective sa buhay, but thank you. Kase hindi ko alam sa oras na to na habang nagpapanggap ako sakanyang okay ako, pinatahan moko salamat duduu.

[lacunas-paracosm]

I didn't know I was too much. Nasobrahan na ako. Na sobrahan na ako sa bait, sa pagiintindi kahit harap harapan na akong ginagago, pinagsisinungalingan, gora padin ako. Hindi maiwan kase naaawa ako, nagmumukha akong tanga, bobo may pinagaralan pero walang pagmamahal sa sarili ko. May taong mahal na mahal ako duon pa ako sa taong hindi naman ako yung priority. Nakakagago na. Ayoko na, gusto ko ng itigil to. Yung sakit, lahat. Sobrang higpit. Ayoko na. Ayoko ng maging taga salo. Ayoko na. Tot, ayoko na.

[lacunas-paracosm]

Ya Allah, thank you for this people. ❤️ I am not an obedient child or the kindnest person on Earth but you gave them to me and I'm happy. I really am. Thank you for them po. I'll never stop thanking you that you had given them to me. People that loves me the way I do to them, thank you po. ❤️😚

[lacunas-paracosm]

These boys might be the craziest annoying shts that can ruin my day, my mood, my social media account, my phone, my hair, my bag, my appetite, my face, everything but they are the realest shit. I lost thousand of tears, has said all the bad words available in this Earth because of them but they really are a big blessing. Couldn't imagine what would keep me laughing, crying and annoyed without this monkeys. Aigoo, my homo erectus F4. Would always be thanking the Almighty God he gave you four as a package to annoy me. ❤️

[lacunas-paracosm]

I acted so happy and jolly this day but I really fuckin' wished I could shout my heart out. Cry and beg the pain to stop. I needed a hug, a comfort, help. I got none of those I swear I just got tired acting like I was okay. Just fcking kill me.

[lacunas-paracosm]

I am tired with all this shit. So tired really.

[lacunas-paracosm]

Option

Everybody said, in every plans there should be an option. An emergency plan, so you'd not end up getting hurt, failing and reach success. In every step, you have to make a second option in order to avoid misconceptions. Does it apply to all? One time, you're there giving all the love you have, the trust and chances, thinking you are worth more than a million dollars but ending up feeling your worth is less than 10 pesos. Is that much? Well, yeah you're worth a street food; dirty, uncleaned, re-used and an option for those people who does not have enough money to buy food worth a dollar. Oh, my bad. I'm a street food. People loved me 'cause I'm cheap, it doesn't matter what taste I give as long as it fills their tummy. But when they have received a dollar, I am disregarded, I don't matter because, I'm dirty uncleaned re-used and an option. I'm just an option. Options benefited you, but being an option, killed us. It killed me.

[lacunas-paracosm]

Freebies

I have reached the point in my life where I have started to grow. I have started to realize what is meant to be a grown up not that I'm saying I am now considered as a grown up, I'm developing, what is meant to know the true definition of happiness. It's quiet a lot actually but let me start with what I call 'freebies'. Yes, freebies. I have learned that happiness starts with you and real happiness the connection between you and the God above, that alone is 100% of happiness. Now for the freebies in order to make you even more happier, there are your friends, family and even the love of your life. Lesson learnt, do not depend on this freebies and create happiness within you because they are just 50% and once they're gone and you have become dependent to them, you'll fall into the depth of sadness. Well, I did not realize this myself, my experiences in life taught me this. No matter how much you love those freebies, they are just add ons in your life for a total of 150% happiness and if they leave and you are independent of your own happiness, you'd have a total of 100% of happiness and what does that mean? Contentment. Some freebies might stay and some might leave but never lose yourself because yourself cost 100% of happiness with God.