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Adu Rayu dengan Nyali Terakhir: An Unfairly Short Eulogy of A Humble Man with the Biggest Heart and the Noblest Dream

I still remember how I assembled a carefully picked playlist that was intended for my crush. I picked the song (Adu Rayu) as one of the ensemble. At the end, I didn’t even have the balls to send it to him, so I just deleted the whole thing. We never set off.

I felt like my life was a playlist of Glenn Fredly’s sad love songs.

Today, I realized how untrue it was. Yes, disappointment comes like a scheduled bus stop, but I can still sing his happy energetic songs in intermissions. I find it okay to cry over his sad pieces too, just to empty my heart out before I march on again, with bits of my Nyali Terakhir, to on the way assemble other pieces.

But the most important thing he indirectly taught me is that there’s more to life than love.

Life is so much more than getting your heart broken, chasing on a new love, & finding the one.

Life is about making people who are less fortunate, in any way, feel & live better.

Life is about leaving a mark, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, as long as it’s kind.

Life is about finding one true purpose, the pure-hearted one, and then act on it, relentlessly, boldly, in any form: words, writings, recorded movements, tunes.

And I think, he has done all that: becoming a hero, finding his one true purpose, & leaving a mark. All while cherishing the quirks & charms of love.

He has served his purpose.

I think he will say it is our time.

8th April 2020, 09:06 PM.

Innalilahiwa innailaihirajiun.

Allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu wa'aafihi wa'fu 'anhu.

Rest in peace, in love, in power,

Glenn Fredly Deviano Latuihamallo.

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“It’s not worth burying yourself to give other people spaces”

She looks up

They are miles in advance

She blinks

There are not much time left

She revisits

“Time is just a construct”

She sighs

For the road she abandoned is long

She stands

She now will not doubt

She will not hesitate

She will not fear

She will rise

Soar

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ROSE AND DAGGER

Part I: Rose

My rose

enchants

fragrances

warmly circles angel’s fingers

passes, beauty lingers

My rose

beams to mankind beneath

and glory rains

They chant as pride and love sheath,

“Bloom and our glum refrains”

My rose

merits, never stall

muses as a call

gives his all

My rose

has secrets, beware

Petals lure has thorns impair

For when you feel left out by the beam

Broken hearts harbor is where your wounds stream

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Adzan demi adzan yang berganti

Menginterupsi riuh pikir menggigit

Merekap

Menuduh

Mendakwa

Warna cakrawala yang berubah tambah menerangi seringai Sang Pikir yang menyakitkan

Bilik ini jadi ramai tanpa gumam

Sempit tanpa jarak

Walaupun pijarnya sama saja

Empuk dan lembutnya tak berubah

Aman damai sentosa memang

Atau malah menumbalkan pada Sang Riuh Pikir yang haus kecemasan?

Makanya, pergi ke luar sana

Tapi

Tidak aman keluar dari sini

Nanti mesin-mesin berasap

Dengan jendela & lampu gelapnya

Dikendarai hati hewan-hewan

Mereka tak peduli badan sebatang

Mereka tak pikir pikir bercabang

Mereka bahkan pura-pura tak lihat uluran “berhenti!”

Atau malah bagus?

Daripada kau tinggal di ruang tunggu Sang Riuh Pikir?

Dikunyah ditelan hilang dari adab?

Tempat ini rimba, sayang

Sudah tau hati-hati hewan itu menunggangi mesin

Kalau tak mau jadi makanan, jadilah pemangsa: jadilah para hewan!

Eh tapi, sesama hewan bermesin juga bisa saling koyak jika bersilangan

Kau yang seperti beledu dalam lemari jati bisa apa?

Bisa jadi mangsa?

Bisa menumpang mesin mereka?

Kalau mereka mengoyak tanpa indahkan manismu?

Makanya, di dalam saja

Eh tapi kan...

Ah, susah memang jadi Tuan Puteri.

Bandung, 28 Januari 2018

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And just like that,

The merry open-hearted push-me-of-the-falls-i-know-how-to-swim soul

Ceases along with the absence of heartful musings around 8 PM

Maybe it was for the best?, Realization on the edge of September 2018

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As I locked myself in the darkened room so dark the grey seeping light seemed like a sign of the apocalypse

I realized that the grave mistake I made was letting the same monsters that tormented me stayed in the exact same room

I wish centuries passed behind that door

July 12th, 2018

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So I’ve been writing,

Said I with my silence

As their cynical prying eyes roll at me

going back empty-handed for recovery

I’ve been writing

Trying

Playing run and catch with ideas

Rushing in the state of wake and rest

Or hindered by the expectation of rejection

Blown by the wind without proper trial

Never to be seen

So I’ve been writing

Assurance came in streams

Soaking peaks strands gaps

Flooding minds and overflowing into nothingness

They won the run and catch

I’ve been writing

But am I out of time?

What is said to be sketches scattered

Others have stamped brands

“Leave impact in this homogenous-headed world”

Is it wrong to just cheer on the sideways?

So

I’ve been trying to write

For the sake of shutting down demons,

yet ending up feeding them

For my own sanity

For closure

Practice

Marks

.

Six day after 21st.

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Safe Trip for Our Two Angels

Your pen marks are still left on my notebooks

The marks of correction & your hope for development

Your brief marks lingers in my thoughts

The ones which filled with nurturance & curiosity

Why are they clear when they have passed?

I’m sorry for the slightest doubt

Of the light hidden by hardship

And for the disapproval of the struggle before launching

You’re a gorgeous girl with dreams

Who are loved and cherished all the way

A face I would recognize in crowds

We could’ve been something that strengthen both you & I

But They said it’s time to go

For even heavens crave your laughter

I wish we had more time

I want to show how you’ll be remembered,

The marks will always be there,

That there are no lights like yours

In the midst of defeat & humiliation,

I’m surrounded by angels

And so are both of you

Bandung, November 15th, 2017

In memoriam,

Irma Herkamiati (1966-2017) and Asmiarti Chandra (1999-2017)

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My protector had a spiky tongue and you took her without any notes

I'm supposed to grief her departure but instead I'm growing flare

There's a stranger in my home who threats, scares, points, belittles

I couldn't, can't, will never love them

I'm fury

I'm worry

I'm muzzy

Shut up shut up shut up

Please please please

Help help help

I'm anger wrapped in distance

I'm anxiety beneath order

I'm lost behind curtains

How many times have You denied my rights

How many times have You ignored my pleas

How many wounds

and scars

and blemishes have You left on my skin

In my mind

I can't love You

I can't respect You

I can't lean on You

You've made a mistake

You can't create & grow a mistake to have her all coated in beauty

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Here's to the people who once crossed path, bonded, seperated and never yet to be heard again.

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They slammed me down against the ground

Then handed me the glue to fix the wounds

I just keep playing their games

Obeying their rules

Tolerating their norms

I am forced to play

The game where all they do is tear

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Coretan untuk Si Mantan

untukmu yang berwujud sakti,

yang pernah merajai hati,

yang akhirnya menyakiti

walau hampir terbawa mati,

kedaulatanmu sudah berlalu,

waktumu habis terlalu,

engkau akan jadi hinanya masa lalu,

maaf kukatakan perih bagai sembilu

kuharap kau tak terlalu nyaman di singgasana itu

sudah saatnya kau enyah

enyah entah ke antah berantah

biarlah mereka menyumpah

biarlah kau terenyak marah

asal aku tak lagi terpatah

asal aku sang ratu tidak lagi menyimpan sampah

28 Januari 2018,

selamat ulang tahun, man

sedih benar waktu itu aku tak memandangmu di depan

semoga kau bahagia pernah memilih jalan

dengannya yang licik dan jadi sisaan

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Reminder

The words written are an attempt of approval

"Those who mind dont matter those who matter dont mind" they say

Little did we know that what matters most is our own acceptance

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I play Russian Roulette with the death

Give her the deal she can’t resist

Buying her time sparing me

I deposit my time to the Death

Fooling myself for what I have left

Knowing she always wins

I leased my dignity away

It's okay, I'll probably have it back

It’s the losing Life Game afterall

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When they hinder you from their stage, don't be afraid to build your own.

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It takes a very cruel systematic rooted kind of patriarchy to make a lady who dresses so modestly feels so naked.