l3t-me-sl3ep

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

I have so much hurt inside of me and I don’t know where to put it. How do I put it down. It’s so heavy.

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

I wake up as the day nears the end

I go to sleep when the sun peaks through the clouds

I eat when I’m not hungry

I starve when my stomach growls

Vodka takes water’s place

Showers seem pointless

Changing clothes becomes unnecessary

My once soft curls are brittle and knotted and frail

Clumps of hair litter my sheets

Bleeding gums vandalise my once white teeth

Flavoured air replaces replaces oxygen

Tears have become permanent residents, staining my cheeks, inflaming the skin beneath

The past feels like a fever dream

It feels impossible that her and I were once the same person

Is this love?

How can such a pretty word unleash something so ugly and cruel

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

My mind is numb

Ignorant to the world around me

My body encased in a duvet

Curled upon an air mattress with an unpatched hole

The irony

My eyes glued to a screen

A distraction

A different world than the one I’m ignoring

Commitments and promises and stress piling around me burying me under this refuge of comfort and 4 walls

Why return to reality

What good will it do me

I lie here

And I can’t get up

Even if I wanted to.

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

what they dont tell you about growing up as a very lonely little girl is that you grow up and still a part of you remains that very lonely little girl

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

Loneliness has a tendency of creeping back in

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

i dont know what its like to not be in pain anymore

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

Anyone else have that thing where you get stressed out when someone else is in a bad mood because now it's your responsibility to make them feel better, but if you're in a bad mood and someone tries to cheer you up you get stressed out because now it's your responsibility to pretend that it's helping to make them feel better.

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

Stockholm syndrome

My minds the captor

my soul the captured

The cruel thoughts tear apart the once full self

Nights are never ending

Over thinking, over analysing details and expressions and tones

Messages are read and read and read again

Finding non existent reasons indicating hatred

Isolation mixed with codependency

Surrounding oneself with anyone but herself

Crawling back into that hole

It’s cold but it’s safe

It’s lonely but it’s always going to be there

It’s painful but it’s consistent

Hurt yourself before anyone else can

I would like to escape

But I would also like to stay

Because who is anyone without it

It will always be there

Pulling me back in

Sabotaging any ounce of joy

Am I unworthy

or is it just not worth it

Forced with reality

No fantasy’s welcome

Delusion is a poison

Feeding and manifesting the impossible

Wake myself up from the dream

Slap me in the face with honesty

Don’t allow me to venture off

I will only be hurt

Why let someone else do what I can do so well

I crave the emptiness

The numbness

The coldness

I hate my depression

But I fear I have grown addicted.

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

1hr ago me was wrong btw

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

The sexual tension between me and ruining my own life

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

I’m so mentally exhausted and drained

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

reblog if your name isn't Amanda.

2,121,566 people are not Amanda and counting!

We’ll find you Amanda.

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

Sometimes I just get really fuc*king sad

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

I didn’t deserve it. So I ruined it. I have to accept that.

[l3t-me-sl3ep]

Why would he leave. Why hasn’t he come back. What’s wrong with me.