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2023 - Trust

It's crazy how much we change and grow over the years. What to say, what to say before I disappear for another few years..

I have a partner now. We met at the end of 2021 and they moved in with me at the beginning of 2023.

It feels like the most adult thing I've ever done.

When I was younger, and I'm sure a lot of people relate, I wanted to be older. What was it about growing up that seemed so appealing? In my case, I think it may be because I had so many great teachers during school. I looked up to these adults and so I thought being an adult would make me awesome too. Maybe I thought time would make me awesome.

I know that was leaning melancholic, but I'm actually in a very good place right now. I'm pretty proud of where I'm at. I know the last time I was here I wasn't doing well- "starving for validation" was an accurate statement that past me was able to grasp.

But I think I know now it isn't time that made those adults awesome. It was who they were. It was their personality, and their decisions, and their experiences that shaped them into amazing people. Understanding that I think has also helped me get in touch with myself. I never needed to lament over not being good enough. I just needed to be me, do my best, live my life, and take it one day at a time. "Trust the process." That's my peace.

Something that I had to work on back in 2021 was this tendency I had to worry about the next thing. I was obsessed with being "efficient" with my life, that as soon as I accomplished something, I was already researching how to get the next thing done. It made it easy to let work engulf my life, and while I was "successful" I was not happy. I never enjoyed the moment, and it took a lot of self reflection and time to myself to realize that being good at something / accomplishing things did not mean they made me happy.

When I learned that about myself, I let myself do things I wanted to do. It sounds so simple (they say the answer usually is, right?). If I wanted to nap after work, I would let myself nap and not worry about the things I could be doing (as long as it wasn't being irresponsible). If I wanted to play an old video game, I would play it and not argue with myself over how I have new games. If I wanted to clean all day, I would clean and not pressure myself to go do something "more fun". If I wanted to talk to this person even though they were across the country, then I would. Despite one of my rules being not to do long distance.

Liberating. That was a word I used in college when I started getting free time. It's a word I would use to describe the feeling of no longer allowing the crime of me judging my own desires while also not trusting my own decisions.

That's why living with a partner feels like the most adult thing for me. Young me could never imagine trusting someone enough to live with, let alone trusting my own judgment to fall in love.

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O.O

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Having fun together

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How to entertain a cat

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Adulting: Check In

I started this account when I was a senior in college. That was in 2019, and it is now 2021. I started working in December 2019 at a start-up and life has been hectic ever since. Let's not even talk about the pandemic.

I really enjoy my work, is what I keep telling myself. Because it's true. Ok I said it like that to be facetious and seem suspicious but I do truly enjoy my experience so far. Sometimes I just wonder if the suffering I go through are situations I put myself in and could've been easily avoided.

I work in a technical field and over the past few years tried really hard to prove my worth and learned so much in order to contribute more to the team. I was/am "successful". I was entrusted with more responsibilities, got a promotion and raise, and am respected amongst my peers. I am friends with a lot of my coworkers. I know this sounds like I'm bragging, but the most perplexing part of this whole situation is that I can't seem to be happy.

It seems I've done that thing that people say not to do: tell yourself that you'll be happy once you achieve X or that you'll be happy once Y or Z happens. Because then it happens and you were so busy focusing on X, Y, or Z that you weren't focusing on BEING happy. As if we expected that the desired outcome comes with a package of happiness on the side.

What it did come with are feelings that I am overworked exhausted, starving for validation, and struggling to adjust with the new stressful responsibilities that I wanted so badly.

I've always been a decent student, daughter, coworker, friend. And I always wanted to be those things. But somehow I'm struggling to be good at being ME which is something more than a handful of labels, and I think figuring that out and being present with myself right now is what probably would make me happy.

Cue realization that I'm having an identity crisis.

Have yall ever heard anything so "24 and first world" than that?

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Saturday beauty

No pressure - do as you wish!

I can now relax

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So Many Things

I wish

I could express myself freely

Without making anyone worry

Or is that the price to pay?

For burdening them

I wish

That the words I write

Would leave my mind once written

Or is that engraving it to memory

For putting it out into the world?

If humans were meant to be open,

Why is it so scary to BE open?

If humans were created to help each other,

Why is it so hard to trust?

If humans were meant to be selfish,

Then why do we crave companionship?

Friendship?

Understanding?

Love?

Life is beautiful and cruel

For offering us so many things that are never so simple to obtain

I thought that I could do everything

And I still believe I can

But sometimes

I'm just tired.

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The Final Grind

I attend a school that follows the quarter system. Last post was written during the beginning of Winter Quarter, and right now I am midway through my Spring Quarter, my last quarter. I mentioned how peaceful times were back then and since then has been an interesting time!

Senior design projects have picked up, and surprisingly, I have been on top of everything! My grades were amazing last quarter, and I am actually ahead on all of my schoolwork. Maybe working hard all these years has finally come to fruition?

I have been thinking about how my work ethic seems to be near it's peak while at the same time I have never felt so unmotivated - haha! What an odd combination. I didn't believe in senioritis in high school, but I'm definitely feeling it in college.

I've been having so many feelings lately. I'm anxious over the future; there are just so many questions with no definite answer yet! What kind of job do I want to pursue? Where will I work? Where will I have to move? Do I need to find new roommates? How will I go about making new friends? Do I have enough money to move? Do I have enough time to save up for a move?

Ugh, I love overthinking. Part of me knows that everything will work out; I just need to do my best! Gotta get myself out there, follow through with prospects, and finish strong!

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Peaceful Times

I have always been the workaholic student who feels guilty having fun since I end up feeling like that time could be used studying or getting ahead. It sucks because I am not even a stellar student by any means, so I work so hard just to receive Meh results!

Right now I am in my final year of college, and it is actually crazy how much free time I have! Since two of my classes are design/lab classes, most of my responsibilities just include some research instead of the typical tedious homework assignments or recommended schoolwork (which are actually necessary to be prepared for exams).

I don't know what to do with all this time. For the first time ever I am actually watching shows during the week! I have time to cook and meal prep and take naps and spend time with my housemates and work out!! It is extremely liberating, do not get me wrong, but I know I am definitely not used to this lifestyle (and am not properly appreciating it!)

Isn't it crazy how we never seem to be satisfied? When it's chaos we crave peace, and when it's dull we crave excitement. Whichever frame you are in, the other seems preferable! In the end I suppose it's all about balance.

Right now I feel like things are "boring" or "uneventful," but I KNOW that I'm going to miss it once I start working. I always want to do my best to appreciate the present, so I think I'm going to try to see right now as "peaceful."

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Intro: My Roommate

I have one of the best roommates a person can have. She is exceptionally thoughtful, tidy, flexible, and generous. The only thing we ever bicker about is whether or not to turn off the lights (she will want to turn them off if I'm turning in early WHILE she is still studying or vice versa) or open/close the window (she runs cold and I run hot so she'll want to keep the window open and I'll want it closed). Very good problems. She also never hesitates to share any of her resources with me, whether it is food or medicine or paper towels or anything really.

I just want to take a moment to appreciate her because I know I'm really lucky to have her as my first roommate since moving out.

Don't worry, I tell her I appreciate her all the time~ I just don't want to bug her about it constantly, and it will be nice for future me to look back on this and smile

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Start

Sometimes it is hard Positivity unfound Still, we keep going