l00-lll0

[l00-lll0]

es ist so ein schönes Gefühl zu haben, wenn man die ganzen Dinge erledigt hat, die man erledigen soll.

obwohl ich noch nichts gelernt habe, also ich habe nur meine Hausaufgaben gemacht aber trotzdem fühle ich mich so erleichtert .. ich prokrastiniere manchmal aber am Ende des Tages bin ich zeitlich auf dem richtigen Weg ..

gestern wollte ich anfangen zu lernen, oder zumindest die HA hinter mir zu haben aber dann dachte ich mir ich denke ich verdiene ein bisschen Ruhe .. sonst setze mich ohne Pausen unter Druck und das ist auf Dauer gar nicht gesund ..

[l00-lll0]

meh

it is a pity that I'm not able to master any language, there is always something that I lack in a one .. whether it is speaking/grammar/writing but it's almost always the ability to talk fluently .. tho I can speak better than what comes out of my mouth but somehow I end up talking like a newbie which is frustrating ugh .. I wish I had the time where I just practice speaking in every language for only 15 minutes .. it would be so beneficial for me ..

[l00-lll0]

my pre-new year resolution

as I'm hopefully gonna do my second apprenticeship I wanna change my live into an each-minute more productive one cuz I've been waiting so long to have a glow up that almost everyone is having online(and irl too) so what I'm gonna do is that I wanna be more hardworking in every aspect of my life .. I wanna have better grades and be able to speak and understand the languages that I speak .. and then I really wanna go to the gym and be healthy or at least be fit and in shape .. and now that we're mentioning ma new life I wanna have a pet .. a cat maybe or a hamster would also be fine .. I wanna spend less time on social media .. and not the internet cuz internet is good and informtive but social media is toxic asf ..

this is what I wanna do so far, if anything else comes to my mind I'll post about it ..

[l00-lll0]

time to get depressed .. YAY

lately I've been very productive cuz I promised myself that I'll work harder this year since it's the last one in my apprenticeship .. especially because the first exam I did was not that great so I wanted to improve myself in almost every subject .. luckily I have everything uder control now ..

I sometimes draw and read stuff .. but idk why I wanna change myself from the outside .. I think I don't make myself pretty by putting make up on or try new clothes .. idk what I'm wasting my time on .. like my youth is going without truning back which makes me so upset of the fact that I already wasted the previous years without feeling and loving myself the way I had to .. that's why I wanna change that now .. and for that I need to have/gain money .. I barely go outside and see my friends/classmates outside of school .. I haven't bought clothes since ages so idk exactly how I spend my money .. it's not like I get a lot of money but still I need to be more aware of how I throw my money here and there .. first I have to pay all my debts and then save up some cash just in case something comes up halfway through ..

[l00-lll0]

I need to keep a diary for practicing all the languages that im able to speak. but sadly i lack of commitment .. I cant stick to a thing for so long, which is suck because i want to improve my abilities but idk whats on my mind or what is the reason behind this ..

[l00-lll0]

schade

7 Jahre in DE und erste seit einem Jahr hab ich mich mit Deutschen integriert .. ich weiß ehrlich gesagt nicht, ob es an mir lag oder an den Anderen .. ich geb zu, ich nehme gern Kontakt mit Menschen auf und trau ich mich, neue Freundschaften zu verknüpfen aber gleichzeitig bin ich eher eine Stubenhockerin .. was ich normal finde.

ich finde aber es ist schade dass ich die Zeit nicht richtig und vernünftig ausgenutzt hab und viele Chancen nicht ergriffen habe, nur weil ich kein Bock hatte .. naja ich kann Deutsch und hab C1 aber seit letztem Jahr hab ich immer das Gefühl, ich hab das gesprochene Deutsch nicht gelernt und was ich noch schlimmer finde, ist dass ich nach dem C1 Kurs bzw. seit ungefähr 3 Jahren kein Deutsch mehr gelernt, also hab ich damals nur die derzeitigen Kenntnisse verwendet und nicht mehr was gelernt .. deshalb wurde mein Deutsch verschlechtert und vor allem das Sprechen .. ich habe damals echt sehr schön fehlerfrei Deutsch gesprochen aber jetzt rede ich mit vielen Fehlern und gar nicht fließend .. keine Ahnung .. wahrscheinlich weil ich jetzt noch andere Sprachen lerne und spreche aber ich denke es hat damit gar nichts zu tun .. ich bin echt enttäuscht von mir weil ich weiß ich kann besser als das ..

[l00-lll0]

next time if she acts so bitchy again with me I'll show her my mad side ..

If I'm nice and kind and can get along with everybody it doesn't mean I'm like that all the time .. I also have limits

[l00-lll0]

I feel bad for tolerating strange people or people I'm not that close with and I don't do the same with my parents and siblings ..

[l00-lll0]

anything

it's been a while since I wrote something down in my diary .. as if my diary did something bad to me .. which is not the case .. but this is the first time since months where I am no longer able to express my feelings through writing .. and I feel it sucks cuz I wanted to document almost everything that has happend in the previous months ..

my emotional state is not doing well .. and it just keeps getting worse .. everything is making me uncomfortable .. I want to do lots of things .. I don't want to live this way .. and having this lifestyle .. and eating and wearing like this .. I feel so vulnrable .. I cant defend myself .. I feel trapped in a society and in an environment where I don't belong and not happy with .. I feel so ignorant .. which is making me angry on myself .. and I always say I'm gonna improve myself and life more productively but ending up doing nothing!

it's like a loop I can't get away from ..

I have plans for future but I feel like I'm not good enough for them .. I took a much harder path and I'm not sure if I'm capable of it ..

I've always wanted someone beside me who can support me emotionally and mentally .. but I just can't accept anyone but the thing is I don't have the chance to meet anybody where I live .. and online is the worst place to meet someone new .. where everyone is having another mask nowadays and making themselves like they're the best and the perfect people you'll ever meet..

I don't have high standards .. I mean they're realistic ones .. and I may meet someone who's like me at least ..

And sometimes I keep thinking of the people I rejected in the past and to be hones, I be like why I let them down so quickly .. could have gave them another chance .. but here's the thing .. I luckily didn't get attached to them so that I can say no let's give them another chance ..

to be continued..

[l00-lll0]

as a single person, watching lots of kdramas makes your standards higher and youll be more picky while dating someone..

i shouldnt do that often..

[l00-lll0]

wegen meiner Angst zerstöre ich mein Liebesleben .. das nur nicht .. aber das passiert im Moment.

[l00-lll0]

manchmal verliere ich das Gefühl des Selbstbewusstseins .. ich glaube nicht mehr an mich .. manchmal mach ich mich selbst traurig .. als ob ich mit Absicht nach Problemen suche, während in meinem Leben alles gut läuft .. tatsächlich mach ich das nicht mit Absicht .. sondern ich versuche, in keine Probleme zu geraten aber das tue ich falsch ..

[l00-lll0]

idk if what im doing is good or not, but i feel like i always make people go away from me .. i mean, if theyre bad thats good, but if theyre not, that sucks .. maybe thats why im still single .. maybe its the destiny

[l00-lll0]

I found a blog of friend of mine where they post random things that happend to them during the week so as i was scrolling down reading what they wrote i found out that they also mentioned me twice or three times and they wrote their real feelings about me when they first met me and what we have done together and i found out that they see me as a talkactive person and idk if its a good or a bad thing and i kinda felt something strange tbh .. to read what others think of you and i dont mean fans or whatever .. i mean people you know irl

[l00-lll0]

i wanna find a plaatform where i can write my thoughts without someone to judge me

[l00-lll0]

لماذا اجهد نفسي

لست مجبرة

حتى ولو تأخر الوقت

هنالك احتمالية كبيرة ان هذا الشيئ لن يحصل

لست مستعدة حتى

لماذا اريد ان القي بنفسي الى النار

و احرق احد معي

اعلم بصعوبة و جدية ذلك

لكن على الرغم من ذلك اريد ان اجربه

لانه لا توجد طريقة اخرى