koscorosaur

[koscorosaur]

texts i send to myself

.

[koscorosaur]

It's heartbreakingly hard to accept that your mother is an utterly flawed creature. She does not know how to manage her emotions because she was always taught to be the happy little girl. She expects you to be the same, any different and you are the disappointment. She is alone and always expects you to be in her life because you were always her one true purpose but you're 22 and you have a whole new life and the place for her is only limited. You see her slipping into hopeless despair, you see her falling into depressive episodes and yet your hands are tied because she is headstrong (she's had to be to get the privilege of choice). She keeps hurting you and you let her because she's your mother.

[koscorosaur]

Do you keep a commonplace book? It’s not entirely a journal or a scrapbook – it’s more a carefully curated notebook compiled of texts copied from anywhere and everywhere. It can contain anything as long as it affects the compiler. I’ve had this one since I was 16, it is reserved for my most favourite lines from poems, books, songs, films, etc.

[koscorosaur]

A peculiar thing about me is that I have a hard time walking straight. I constantly apologise to the people walking around me because I bump into them over and over again. It's strange how he noticed it in the first go and walks always to my right because I lean in towards my right more.

[koscorosaur]

Have you ever looked at the person you love and saw them laugh at something and you just can’t take your eyes off of them?

[koscorosaur]

Little Things

watching me drift to sleep amidst smiles and giggles through a 6 inch screen at 2 a.m. on a Thursday night, to tracing small circles with his thumb on my hand while holding them, throwing his head back in laughter when I tell a story that is actually not even that funny, smiles hidden under masks because how could we be so lucky, carefully typing on the laptop so as to make no noise because he fell asleep but insisted to stay on call while you work, tugging a little harder on his jacket because I want to wait and watch the man selling party whistles make that shrill sound, being pulled by both my hands into him because he wants to smell the fresh detergent off my sweater, making a list of undiscussed topics because we both really need to sleep, giggling and smiling because we're still learning how to kiss each other, sitting in the car with fog-covered windows spilling out the most vulnerable parts minutes before giving them the rawest kiss with soft whispers of 'would you love me despite', opening the car door every time like it's second nature, pointing at the sunsets and looking at me like I'm his future, whispering I love you's because it's just our secret.

[koscorosaur]

The Relationship Agreement

by and between

_____Partner 1_____ and ______Partner 2_____ 

Section 1 - Short Title, Extent, Commencement

This Relationship Agreement may be called The Agreement hereinafter for all future purposes. This Agreement executed on the _th day of ________ 20__, by and between Mr./Ms./Mx. ________ and Mr./Ms./Mx. _________ is legally binding and enforced by and in the state of the Republic of India and abroad if the case may so arise. It shall come into force on or before __th ___________ 20__ as and when the parties to the agreement sign the document. 

Section 2 - Definition Clause 

In this Agreement the following words and expressions are used in the following senses unless a contrary intention appears from the context:—

The first party, ___________ (herein referred to as he/him), being of sound mind, pretty eyes and an adorable personality may be referred to as _____nickname(s)______ and but not limited to ________.

The second party, _____________ (herein referred to as she/her), being of sound mind, nice smelling hair and a cute demeanour may be referred to as ______nickname(s)____ and but not limited to ________.

Section 3 - Full Disclosure

At the commencement of this relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children four-legged or two-legged, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, absurd food choices, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, psychotic exes. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, fandoms, fictional characters, careers, and/or organized sports. 

Section 4 - Meet Cute

Both parties agree to state that her/his meet-cute happened _____________, however, his/her meet-cute happened _________________.

Section 5 - Terminology

Should said relationship proceed past the talking stage, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said dating- 

After the first week (7) days, both parties consent to say they are "seeing each other".

Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "dating".

Forty-five (45) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girlfriend" and “boyfriend” and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple".

Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may call for a talk for the purpose of realigning the relationship.

Section 6 - Terms of Exclusivity 

Both the parties agree to be exclusive in the relationship. Exclusivity in this clause refers to the absence of sexual activity or physical pleasure with anyone other than the parties mentioned in this agreement. Hugging others is allowed, so long as it does not exceed 10 seconds and there is no erections present. This will also apply to “checking out” other people but may not apply to mutual “checking out” people in a public place or on social media. 

Section 7 - Going Out

He and she should mutually decide the date to go out and a minimum 24-hour notice should be given for making the preparations for the same.

If in case of a plan that involves eating out together then both the parties should mutually decide the place and the cuisine and should not be only based on the intensity of her cute face blackmail.

In case of a plan that involves staying out at a certain location, then a minimum notice period of 3 days should be given to make the necessary arrangements and to cook up the appropriate story at home.

If in case of a date that either of the party is interested in carrying out in order to surprise the other party even then the minimum notice period of 24 hours or 3 days will apply whichever category the date falls in.

Section 8 - Social Media

Both parties agree that there are no pressures whatsoever to post content related to each other on stories or posts and can do so at their own comfort.

Both parties agree that the word “spam” is legally nullified as and when this agreement comes into force. The parties consent to the fact that in a relationship there can ideally be nothing like too many messages.

Section 9 - Routine Improvement 

(1) General Clause for ___Partner 1____ and _____Partner 2____

(a)Both parties agree to wake up at 6 a.m. except for Saturday and Sunday.

(b) Both parties agree to sleep at midnight except for Saturday and Sunday and consent to the wind up of conversation either by text or call by 11:45 p.m. 

(c) Both parties agree that they will workout at least 4 days a week.

(2) ___Partner 1___  specific life improvements and goals.

(3) ___Partner 2 specific life improvements and goals.

Section 10 - Movie Night

Both parties are in agreement that Friday and Saturday night is movie nights and the movie shall be mutually decided in reference to the common watchlist. 

Section 11 - Intimacy and Sex

Both parties should consent to the first sexual activity subject to the comfort of the individual parties.

All kinks and freaky content is allowed subject to the consent of both parties.

Contraception (either a condom or the pill) is mandatory during all sexual activity.

Hickeys are strictly to be given only below the collarbone to maintain the secrecy of the nature of the physical relationship.

Post sexual activity, it is mandatory to include some sort of aftercare like cuddling or hugging or kissing or whatever the parties may agree to do at the given moment.

Any pregnancy scares will be dealt with as a team and further action will be taken after consulting a gynaecologist.

There will be no restrictions on kissing the other party.

Section 12 - Murder and Homicide

Both parties agree not to kill each other and instead sit down over ice cream and talk it out with reference to tactics mentioned in Section 13. 

Section 13 - Conflict Resolution

In the case of any conflict that arises due to miscommunication, busy schedules or any other reason the following non-violent communication technique is to be used:

Observation: When I see (the action or behaviour that you've observed)

Feeling: I feel... (a sensation or emotion - e.g. angry, hurt, sad - not "I feel that you don't care about me")

Value: Because I value (e.g. quality time, privacy)

Request: Would you be willing to...?

In case the conflict gets heated up even after the use of the non-violent communication technique, it is advisable to keep into perspective that it is not a He v/s She situation rather a She and Him v/s The Conflict situation. A short break accompanied by calming music or a brisk walk is also recommended. 

Section 14 - Driver’s Responsibility

It is agreed that both the parties will take turns to drive so that they can both enjoy the inherent romance of the passenger side seat on an equal basis and that privilege does not only lie with a specific person. 

Section 15 - Financial Decisions

Both parties agree to divide any date related expenses on food and drinks irrespective of whether it was planned or a surprise.

Both parties agree to discuss and decided all financial matters based upon the financial position of the individual parties. (Add a personalized clause)

Section 16 - Gifts

Both parties agree to gift-giving only on the occasion of birthdays, Christmas and extremely special occasions provided that the gifts are not unreasonably priced.  

Section 17 - Cute Face

Below mentioned are points on which he/her cannot absolutely use their apparently cute puppy face to blackmail the other party to consent in their favour:

Pizza;

Buying books when they already have a huge ‘to be read’ place;

Any other subject that may so arise.

Section 18 - Penal Clause

If one of the parties violates the clauses and sub-clauses of this agreement then the offender owes an ice cream to the aggrieved party.

Section 19 - Celebrating Wins

Both parties agree to celebrate small wins of each other by either taking each other out for a movie night, a dinner date, destination drive or a surprise celebration.

Both parties agree to celebrate huge wins of each other by opening up a bottle of wine or champagne based upon the party whose win is being celebrated. In case of a win for both, a bottle of Single Malt Whiskey/Scotch/Bourbon would be so decided upon.

[Provided that both the parties have adequate money to fund the wine or champagne, or else Smirnoff in a pretty glass should also do the job.]

Section 20 - Fight to Protect

Both parties agree to the fact that they have absolutely no idea what made them find each other.

Both the parties mutually agree that this agreement holds as a memorandum to the fact that they both will always protect this relationship and work to overcome whatever comes their way.

Signed by:

_____Partner 1____ 

_____Partner 2_____

[koscorosaur]

Ghibli Academia

Edition: Whisper of the Heart

reading challenges to complete during the summer

riding the subway to the library

writing your own versions of famous songs

befriending teachers

sharing your writing with your classmates

following stray cats

finding and exploring hidden shops on quiet afternoons

talking to people who run antique shops

getting excited about having an idea

meeting your friend late in the evening to give them a shoulder to cry on

listening to others talk about their passions

giving your talents a chance

writing with music in the background

doing your research so you can tell a good story

staying up all night writing

persisting on your project despite facing blocks and obstacles

deciding to work hard for your exams while also not giving up on your other dreams

[koscorosaur]

Mary Oliver

[koscorosaur]

Mary Oliver, ‘north country’

[koscorosaur]

when you yearn for love and affection but you’ve emotionally repressed yourself for so long that if you attained them you would be overwhelmed with them instantly

[koscorosaur]

I think lately I've been feeling a lot of sadness. Mostly about stuff that is way in the past. Like not being in touch with my high school English teacher. I wanna tell her this - I feel like most of my life I've lived passively, somebody always told me what to do and I did it. There was always somebody else to tell me stuff and if there wasn't somebody then things would happen in a flow. But growing up, the somebody else kind of starts to get distant and more distant till you're on your own completely and then you've to take decisions actively. By your own self. And I think I'm blowing it.

[koscorosaur]

I'm in love with you. I'm crazy about you. I love you despite all the weird things you do and your quirks. But if I am with you, then I have to love you with your weird things and I'm so scared because I've seen so many people fall out of love with their person for the same reasons they fell in love with them. And I would rather always be in love with you than be in love with you, be with you and then fall out of love.

[koscorosaur]

If he ever asks me, Why do you like me?

Because I never had to prove myself to you for you to be proud of me. Ever since school, you stand beside me like a rock and you'd be proud of the person I was. All my life I've made myself shrink to occupy certain places in people's lives. Family friends whatever. I never once had to shrink beside you. You get me, most of it. And even then you only ever make me feel like I am deserving of occupying the space I need to be all of me.

[koscorosaur]

I'm not stupid. I know that he isn't into me as much as I am. I know that when he says that he doesn't deserve me, it actually means that he knows that I love him for who he is but he'd still need to work on himself and he knows that I still need to work on myself but I'm willing to ask for help to let me work on myself and he also knows that I'll be willing to give him the help he'd need to work on himself. He just doesn't want to deserve me is what it is. Not yet and maybe not ever.

[koscorosaur]

The moon's in the crescent tonight, I could see it from the window of the backseat of my best friend's car. We screamed at each other because of stupid reasons, the wine didn't get me drunk enough to forget that I was in love with a boy who'd always love me almost, the cigarette wasn't strong enough to choke my loneliness for just that one moment. I wasn't enough today like I was a little too much the day before. Always on the precipice of too much and not nearly enough.

[koscorosaur]

I think I know why I thought of him as 'the one.' You know the talking stage, it is supposed to be very freeing and you get to know all about that person and you get to talk about yourself also. My talking stage has changed now, my talking stage involves trauma, it involves how a narcissistic relationship has affected me in ways that will keep coming up for years, it involves the fact that I cannot be physically intimate until I am assured that I am somewhere in the relationship. It has drastically changed. It's not a normal talking stage. With him, I didn't have to have a talking stage, I could get real because he knows me right, and he has always liked me even if as a friend. So, I expected this to be okay, better.  

But now, I don't think it's gonna work out. He's everything I would ever want, he's. confident in me, he knows trust is a process, he's always kind, he listens to me so intently, he apologizes when he's wrong, he's positive, but he doesn't talk and it's hard to figure out what he's feeling and I talk about my feelings a lot because I think they're so complex that if I don't explain it then nobody will ever understand where I'm coming from and why I'm doing what I'm doing and I want him to know that. He does not talk about what's going on inside his head and I feel like I'm asking for a lot like I've somehow overwhelmed him with all of this talk. I hate making assumptions because more so than often they're wrong and lead to gross miscommunication. I don't know, he's great and he's amazing and I really like him to an extent I'd really wanna be with him but if he doesn't talk and lets something fester and then talk when it's already filled with a sort of heavy.