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A Fiction Story to My Facade Personality, Part 1: Unforeseen Bonds and Unforeseen Consequences

This tale begins eleven years ago, a period of my life filled with youthful exuberance and naivety. I was in my sophomore year of high school, and despite being just fifteen, I had already declared my independence, choosing to live separately from my parents. As an only child, the idea of venturing out on my own seemed an exciting prospect rather than a daunting one.

My companion in this newfound freedom was my best friend, Uba. Our paths had converged in high school, tied together by a mutual love for music. This shared passion resulted in countless hours spent playing in the same band and forging bonds akin to those of many teenagers.

Uba was an embodiment of kindness and innocence, or so I had thought until one fateful afternoon. In the confines of our rented house, he produced a folded piece of paper from his pocket. Unfolding it revealed a collection of peculiar green substances, reminiscent of dried weed but possessing a unique aroma. That afternoon, Uba introduced me to a new world, a world centered around this magical creation of Mother Earth: Marijuana.

My adolescent mindset painted this introduction as rebellious, possibly dangerous, and undoubtedly reckless. The notion of smoking weed seemed absurd for a high schooler like me. Yet, curiosity prevailed, and I decided to give it a try. I told myself, if I didn't like it, I would discard it forever. Little did I know, it was the beginning of a long-lasting relationship.

The sensation of being high was strangely soothing. It stabilized my emotions, dispelled the persistent cloud of negativity that often loomed over me, and infused me with a sense of euphoria. Even better, there seemed to be no side effects once the high faded away.

As college approached, Uba and I embarked on separate journeys, but my relationship with marijuana remained steadfast. Any spare cash I had would invariably be spent on weed. I became a chronic user, finding solace in its calming effects throughout the day and night. It seemed to enhance my productivity and stability, making me feel like a better version of myself. I even suspected that it helped manage my ADHD symptoms.

Eleven years passed, with weed becoming a constant companion. However, the innocent plant that had once seemed like a friend turned into a catalyst for disaster in 2022, and the reverberations of those choices are still felt today. This tale serves as a stark reminder of how the past can intrude into the present, transforming our lives in ways we never anticipated.

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A memoir without the ending.

Days has passed since i sailed away, a month feels like years and not a minute goes by without a voluntary yearn for your warmth and presence. A warmth that's missed by every inch of my skin, a presence that could drives away any rough days....

A jewel that you are, a shining diamond to my dark inner thoughts, thoughts that i kept hidden well, layered with emotions and gestures my mind has programmed to makes me fit for this so called normal social structures.

There'll be no heart like yours, nor like mine. A sad story for us to keep. A sad story that hasn't ended yet.

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I have always wanted to be in a play, nothing too classic nor too contemporary, something with a bit of twist, playing a role of a not so ordinary yet not so all-maxed stats character. I think it’s fun to play pretend, it’s just hard to do it appropriately.

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I am freaking out, internally. I’m not sure if that is even possible, the worst thing is that i can not tell anyone. Not anyone deserves to be burdened by the thoughts and conflicts i have inside. It feels like i am just surfing the water, following its stream, not knowing for sure where the ending is, is it a waterfall or is it the wide open sea?

It’s not some quarter life crisis bullshit, Kierkegaard figured it out early enough for me to read his complete works and thoughts. It is something else.

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Addiction - Curiosity

For some, curiosity is rather a good thing, for me, it’s sometimes led me into some arguably self destructive situations. I am apparently lacking senses to analyze and processes the moral aspect of some situations, although it is strictly-contained inside a small scale of my social circle. The only problem is, the thing i am curious about covered almost every corner of my interests in life. And what make it worse is that i can’t even foresee the thing that would attract my curiosity, and sometimes i would only realized it when i am in too deep.

I am in another hole, help me if i can’t survive this.

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An end to the Tulipa story

Words can never describe the Tulipa perfectly. It's an ending to a small portion of a greater scene of life. Or is it really an ending to the Tulipa story?

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The perfect island

It's always been easy for me to learn something new, but there's a downside siding with that: i'm also easy to forget. It's almost like i was plunged into this world with a little bit more blessing than anyone else, but also a little bit more curse than anyone else.

I learnt to love awhile back, i tried to do it correctly, like i always thought there was a standard of procedures to 'properly' love someone. That could be one of the logical reason why religions is most popular amongst many type of believe(s). It tells you what's accepted to do and what's not.

I'm missing the ocean breeze, the dark shooting sky sprinkled by death stars far far away. I miss you. I miss being in a perfect island where i could stare at you all night long.

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Dear the ocean breeze

Are you there? Can you please come and touch my face?

I'm crushed, i need some ocean breeze.

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Just Okay

We might find in life that there are more bad things than good, and the bad things are always more consequential, I once read about this psychological phenomenon called loss aversion, the hypothesis of this theory is that we would tend to grief and wasted twice as much energy when losing a certain amount of something than the delight you would feel when somebody gives you that same amount of something, the cost of energy you'll have to spend will always be unequal. And so i seek in life a way to compromise to the imbalance of that phenomenon, to seize all the positivity, to learn from the negativity and make something bigger out of it, be something bigger than ourselves.

Therefore i learn that that only way is to always be grateful of what we possess and we feel at the moment, learn and be ashamed of all the mistakes in our past life, and to always seek for a better tomorrow and a better version of ourselves.

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Prosa Oratio #2

To me, writing is a fabulous medium to encapsulate thoughts and feeling far more precisely than talking. Although I am still trying my best to always tell the complete thoughts i had in mind (if it is necessary, needless to say), all simply because I was too ashamed to tell the whole truth, but the magical force of your presence somehow tickels me to open up more, and that is new to me.

You might only see the words and pointless sentences in every conversation we had, but every time we converse; it was recorded as a poetry in my head. If you are as 'Sinta' as i am the 'Rahwana', you'd definitely see our conversations more than just words, hopefully poetry. Just like what Cassandra Clare once said 'only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry', and you, my love, is the complete opposite of the weak-minded. In fact, from what i observe, you posses the strongest mind and a very unique way of thinking, covered in innocence and youth-impulsivity, but strong indeed, more than most individual i have ever encountered in life.

Some people are weak-minded, some are strong-minded, some are geniuses, many refuses to make the best of it, some are surprisingly stupids, some are acting like they are stupid, but most people are in the middle, and those who stand in the middle judge. But you and I are nothing in the middle, and nothing under. So why bother acting like we don't know it. We are shaped by our thoughts and we become what we think, and that's the only way. Fuck what other think of you, of us. Their life and opinion is a complete big pile of shit and it's not supposed to have a direct nor indirect impact on how we live our life. You are bigger than that, we are bigger than that.

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Kegoblokan

Kemarin-kemarin aku coba sok pintar mengartikan rasa-rasa dalam hidupku, sampai akhirnya aku sadar kalau rasa itu bukan untuk diartikan, bukan untuk didefinisikan apalagi dideskripsikan. Terlebih soal cinta, orang-orang sok taunya setengah mati. Akupun sempat begitu.

Tolol kalau memberi jawaban-jawaban filosofis ketika ditanya soal cinta, cinta tidak seharusnya serumit itu, cinta itu harus enteng dirasa, enteng dimaknai. Cinta kok bikin bingung, kalau bikin bingung bukan cinta namanya, salah itu.

Salahnya, orang-orang suka berlebih-lebihan mencari cinta, kelewatan mengharap cinta, sampai akhirnya mereka salah persepsi dan malah mengharap balik dari cinta, guoblok. Harusnya, cinta itu diposisikan seperti iman saja, dirasa dan dimaknai baik-baik dan dalam-dalam saja, memaknai maksudku ya disyukuri saja, dihargai dan dijaga, cukup. Jangan cari-cari manfaatnya, susah kalau orang sudah cari-cari manfaat cinta, bisa linglung lebih-lebih bisa gila, begitu dirasa tidak manfaat masa hijrah begitu saja, posisikan cinta itu seperti iman, dalam-dalam dan dirasa.

Wanita, jangan hanya perburuhan dan kesosialan yang kalian setarakan dengan kami lelaki, tapi cintamu juga, emansipasikan cara-caranya, emansipasikan juga rasanya serta maknanya. Karena kami juga tidak bisa terus-menerus memanutkan dongeng Eurodyce dan Orpheous, atau Odysseus dan Penelope, lebih-lebih Sinta dan Rahwana. Karena waktu kami juga terkadang perlu disisihkan untuk ibu kami, dan bisa jadi untuk masa depan kalian. Jangan persulit cinta kami, karena cinta itu tidak seharusnya berat dan rumit, sekali lagi aku bilang, cinta itu harus se-enteng-entengnya rasa.

Pisahkan perkara cinta dan politik hubungan antar manusia, jangan selalu dicampur adukkan, intrik yang akan muncul ke permukaan. Karena semurni-murninya cinta itu adalah cinta yang independen, terpisah dari si manusianya, seperti Sinta dan Rahwana, kita bisa saja rencakan untuk kawini siapapun, dari venue sampai gaun, dari seserahan sampai segala macam ritualnya, tapi tidak akan pernah bisa manusia rencanakan untuk cintai siapapun. Tidak dengan kontrol sikologis sehebat seorang priyai sekalipun, sejujur-jujurnya, rasa tidak mungkin terus-menerus dilakonkan. Sederhananya karena memang cinta itu berdiri sendiri, otak dan hati manusia hanya media saja untuk cinta bisa mewujud menjadi setiap rasa, tindakan, kata, nada, puisi, syair, naskah, dongeng, atau mungkin sesederhana senyuman.

Aku sampai hari inipun masih saja tolol kalau harus menjujurkan rasaku.

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Wind blowing from the sea

%&@&#,#^#*

I don’t want to make this writing a tell-all, it is simply just a reminder for my future self, in case i am lost or something. The day i met you was the day i decided that maybe i’d actually give it a go, considering that i’ve never trust anyone so daringly, not in awhile. Talking about boundaries and limitations, trusting someone with my feeling is one of them. But i had my moments of running and pushing people away, all because i was too afraid of getting hurt. Now that the phase is over (i’d like to think of it as a phase because i expected for it to end and not to happen again anytime in the future), i had another profound realization, that waiting for the sky to fall is going to cause more bother than the sky actually falling, which isn’t.

She's the wind blowing from the sea, that’s what make her the strongest, she has a pair of beautiful and hypnotizing eyes that can change the direction of wind, her face structure is the most well designed facade i’ve ever touched, her eyes are the reason why i’m lost in thoughts of being with her the moment i saw her for the very first time. She’s smart yet so humble, that’s why she’s clouded with unsolved question and mysteries i can’t wait to solve. She talks in sincerity and innocence, it makes every words that comes out of her mouth instantly become a melody to my ears. She moves in sweetness and loving, tons and tons of it, that makes it impossible for me to ignore, so irresistible. She laughs in a certain way that it become the hardest thing to do not to laugh along.

The question is, is she real or is she just a figment of my imaginations?

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The bird named herself after a flower’s name, Tulipa, and she is every bit as good as she looked. She falls many times, she lay on her face, maybe gasping for air, but then she forced herself to her feet and carry on. She has this exceedingly tall wall around her yet the thickness is disproportionate, structurally speaking that’s a bad news.

She carry happiness all the time, none ever question its authenticity, but I was there, enjoying the glypmse from distance, admiring her way of flying and surfing through clouds and heavy wind…..questioning. .

Years measured by numbers yet numbers doesn’t feel very rellevant anymore, past has become part of her present, the ratio is beyond logical. I once found myself in a deserted tunnel, a notice at the far end indicated the end of it, sunlight and its warmness, but i turned around and woke up a few moments later with the unbearable headache and confusion. .

I took this picture with a sincere interest to expose its beauty, its color and the way they compliment the room in a balanced manner, yet today I realised that this picture resembles an uncanny mixed feeling from past and present, my mind is a restless bitch and i hate it sometimes. I am an idiot.

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the anomaly and its closure

9am and i am already at the office, the hustle hasn't even started, let alone the typical chaotic hours that leads up to unrealistic deadline. All the books are still laying on a-not-so-organized shelves, all the chairs are still empty and all the computers are still off. Me, i was sitting on my desk, haven't got any sleep, went straight from Bandung to my office in West Jakarta. Contemplating, trying to find the closure to all of this mess and my own ineptitude. The past 3 days has given me an unthinkable hypothesis that i thought i would never acquire, the past 3 days has also conferred me guidance to that closure i was so eager to find, the longing, the guilty feeling, the unpredictable force majeure that made my last 3 months feels like a trial of daily encounter with Lucifer. I bet we can all agree on 1 particular thing, karma is a bitch, yes, karma is a bitch, I wasn't really a good boyfriend to any woman that has ever been my girlfriend. I was an asshole indeed, Tried so hard to be a good one, or at least a better one than previous, turned out i was still not good enough. And yes, my heart is broken to pieces but now i see it, now i understand, the bigger picture is getting even bigger, everything is way clearer now, that i am having an infliction that i myself created in my past phase of life.

A moment before i decided to write this, i smiled, i smiled from my heart because now i know that i deserve it. And the only logical thing to do is to just move on with my life, because life is good and God is forgiving. To whomever a woman that will come across my life again, i promise you from now on that i will never treat you bad, i will hold the door for you always, i will pull the chair from under the table for you, i will gently wipe that ice cream off of your lips with my own hand, i will treat you as i should treat every woman before you but i didn’t. I will respect you as i respect my own mother, and will never raise my voice in my anger, i will tell you all that little things i never tell anyone before. I will tell you all the secrets i know, i will do you good, tucked you in when you’re feeling cold and the blanket shifted away, i will always hold your hand in front of the guys, i will hug you like there’s nothing else in this world i can hold on to, i will patiently wait for you putting your lipstick on even though i would still love the color of your lips no matter what.

The closure is found. I am free and i am ready to start fresh.

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;#&#:€×*@:@"(¥_

Today is nothing like any other days i've had in my entire life, i was totally loosing control of my emotion, had my first ever breakdown and rage, walls in my room is the witness of how ashamed i was the very first time i looked in the mirror after i threw punches to the walls and hurt myself, the feeling was indescribable, i haven't seen my parents since the breakup and it's killing me, planned on coming home this weekend but the anger and sadness in me took over and froze me, cage me in my own breakdown, none would understand so im keeping it to myself. It wasn't me, it was my ego, i was blurred, i fucked up so badly and i still don't know what to do.

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I am apprently nothing

A glympse of bad dreams and images has rained every red-ish vision when i closed both of my eyes, and i am tired, i am tired holding the unbearable weigh pushing and flatten my chest whenever the thought of you comes and take over my mind, i miss you, i lost you and ive missed you since, i miss the way you touch me, the way you stare at me, the way your gorgeous eyes hypnotized and paralyzed me, i miss your lips and every inch of your skins, your laughter and the way you talk, i miss you, i miss you more than i ever miss anybody. And i am tired, the thoughts of taking the highway is slowly getting into me, beating my logical judgement to its non-existence. I miss you, please know that i miss you.

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Go ahead and be weird

I learned something new recently, as someone who grew up in a millennial age, i am used to keeping up with new trends and technology, from a simple thing such as updating a picture on instagram to ordering food through apps, thus makes technology has become ridiculously integrated into almost all aspects of my life. In fact, this kind of lifestyle has become something normal, and subconsciously i am developing a natural dependency on the use of technology. But the question is; is it a good thing or rather a bad thing?

Long story short, i temporarily deleted my instagram account which i frequently use; like all the time, whenever i checked my phone; instragram would be the first apps i opened, it's almost annoying even when i tried hard to resist it; i'd still end up scrolling and snapping something, so i deleted it, not only the apps but also the account, and turned out it's rather a good thing for me. Whenever i wanted to know what a specific someone is up to; i contacted them, whenever i want people to see something i thought they would like to see; i'd just send them the snap through chat. And whenever i missed someone i long to see; i just visited them. It's amazing how i feel more connected to them, more than ever.