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[kode117]

entry 1.1

There’s a certain comfort to sadness. That’s why I keep coming back to these feels threads. They’re cozy. Comfortable. Even if I almost always end up shedding a tear or two while browsing them, I still feel warm inside in a way. 

I tried to explain this feeling to my ex once, it was something like this: “This feeling is like being alone in a freezer. It’s dark, you’re sitting in a corner trying to stay warm. Then, you find a blanket. You wrap yourself in it. You’re still cold, but the warmness and tenderness of the blanket makes you feel good inside. Despite not actually solving the cold problem, just the feeling of being wrapped in a blanket is enough to make you happy at that point.”

She loved that description. She said she felt the same way. And now I feel exactly that, but it feels like the blanket is getting thinner and rougher every day. The comfort is fading.

[kode117]

entry 1

It’s 5am, I haven’t slept.

I have an exam tomorrow. Maybe two. Haven’t studied for either. 

Been browsing 4chan, on /wsg/ and /gif/ for feel threads. The feels won and made me create this. I might start posting here every other day.

If I had to give a name to this chapter of my life, it’d be void. null. There’s not much going on. And that’s how it’s been for a year or two. There’s things going on but in the end I always end up at the same place. Alone in my room, browsing 4chan, gaming, watching anime, watching youtube, whatever to make the time pass.

It’s weird, I’m not having any success with love. Never had, but now that I want it the most I’m starting to notice what not having it feels like. I’m blessed looks-wise, but that’s pretty much it. I can’t talk to people. There’s only a single person in this planet I can truly talk to. I can interact with people, but I can’t talk to them and they never talk to me. I always feel a certain level of alienation when talking with people, no matter where. Maybe it’s because I moved so much as a child. And not just moved neighborhoods, I moved between continents constantly. Constantly changing languages and cultures. Maybe that’s why, I don’t know. When I talk with people, it never feels like they get me and most of the time I don’t get them either. It always feels like a meaningless exchange, where they’re not learning anything from me and I’m not learning anything from them.

I started smoking quite a bit recently. As in, weed. I hate cigarettes. I love nicotine though, so I vape all day every day. Not very proud of that but whatever. It’s funny, someone once asked me about when I started vaping. I realized that it was right after my last (and only) breakup. Haven’t stopped ever since. That was some of the most amount of pain I’ve ever felt, and honestly I don’t think I’m completely over it even after 2 years. It was our first relationship for both of us. We were stupid to say the least. She was the only girl I was actually able to talk to, and that felt like she talked to me. I’ve gone around dating a lot of other girls these last 2 years but not a single one of them could come even close to what we had. We talked again recently and we swore we’d never talk again for some reason. I don’t remember, I was extremely drunk. 

Ever since that breakup I’ve been trying to find someone that could help me fill this void, but I just can’t find anybody. Socially I’m quite retarded so I went for dating apps where I can rely on my looks first. Technically it did what it was supposed to, I get a lot of matches. More than I need, really. But as soon as it gets to the talking part I fuck it up somehow. It has also become much harder for me to trust women after these 2 years of dating around. In 90% of the cases, I was getting played. One of them hurt a lot more than the rest but that’s a story for another time.