knoxthefort

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"Not Supposed To", Knox Cloud original poem

(TW: this is a poem about SA. Censored for socials 🙄)

I'm not supposed to talk

Because that ruins his image.

But I'm not supposed to stay quiet

Because then I'm helping him get away with it.

I'm not supposed to be afraid

Because I'm strong and a fighter.

I'm not supposed to be confident

Because I should be ashamed.

I'm not supposed to like s3x

Because how can I like it after?

I'm not supposed to hate s3x

Because I need to move on; it's natural.

I'm not supposed to feel hurt

Because there's an expiration on pain.

I'm not supposed to be happy

Because clearly I am only that one thing.

I'm not supposed to be angry

Because forgiveness is better.

I'm not supposed to live my life

Because I almost destroyed his.

I'm not supposed to speak out

Because no one wants to hear it.

I'm not supposed to think about it

Because then I am reliving it.

I'm not supposed to joke

Because it's a serious issue.

I'm not supposed to take it seriously

Because it happened so long ago.

I

Am so tired

Of being told what I'm “supposed” to do.

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"Money", Knox Cloud original poem

$50 to drink and shower,

75¢ a laundry load,

$300 on food,

And $2000 on doctors,

But it's not about the money.

Every minute came at a price,

A numerical value to every action

Every slight blunder

Every word that left my lips,

But it's not about the money.

I did everything I could

Made myself as cheap as possible

Counted every misstep

And tallied the costs,

But it's not about the money.

It was never about the money.

Until I was told

Of the tab

Opened in my name

When I pointed at that doll

And showed them where.

But it's not about the money.

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Part 6 of tattoos I've designed for people

This one is for one of my boot camp besties, based on the song "Take me back to Eden", by Sleep Token, and was incredibly fun to try different ideas. Bonus: the original concepts

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Part 5 of tattoos I've designed for people.

This one is mine, but I haven't decided when/where to get it or where to put it 😅

Two different concepts of an Egyptian scarab, one just two minute line art, and the other hours of trying to spontaneously learn American traditional tattoo technique.

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"Stories", Knox Cloud original poem

I listened to your stories (not that I had a choice)

While you tore me up for speaking, though you held my voice.

You never laughed at my tales, in fact you picked them all apart

You focused on the smallest thing instead of on the heart.

You filled my mind with shadows that lurked under my bed

But ignored the monster beside you and claimed it was all in my head.

I never learned how to make you proud without ending myself

You cared more about appearances than my actual health.

I'd hand you my bleeding heart I cut from my own chest

And you'd sniff and scoff and blame me without knowing all the rest.

But it's not like I tried to hide the words carved in my skin

I loved you, but my bones cracked every time I let you in.

And still I yearn to tell you all the things I cannot say

But there's so much consistent proof that it has to be this way.

I'll stitch myself up with stories meant for only my ears

And a small kid inside my heart wishes you'd soothe my fears.

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"Prove", Knox Cloud original poem

How do you prove a memory

How do you fight a voice

How do you drag a monster out of his skin

Without getting caught by his claws?

I don't know how to prove a memory

Except give all of yours

No matter how much it hurts

No matter how much the salt of your tears

Burns the open wounds on your wrists.

Give every little detail

Hoping someone will see the truth in your words.

I don't know how to fight a voice

Except cry at the top of your lungs

And scream into a pillow

And whisper louder than any yell

Louder than monsters.

Open your throat wider than the cuts

It'll feel just as raw either way.

I don't know how to drag a monster from his skin

Except scream and yell and whisper and cry

And berate and seduce and make every noise known to man

Do not stop talking for even a second

Or his claws will catch in your tongue

And you will be silent.

I don't know how to drag a monster from his skin.

I caught his claws and worse before I saw victory.

But I will not stop screaming.

[knoxthefort]

Part 4 of tattoos I've designed for people

This one is for my other boot camp bestie. The prompt was "Chark", very specifically NOT shark.

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Part 3 of tattoos I've designed for people

This one is for one of my boot camp besties based on "Sonne" by Rammstein.

Contact me if you are interested in commissioning art.

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Part 2 of tattoos I've designed for people

This one was from another girl in my division. The prompt was "blood, guts, gory."

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Part 1 of tattoos I've designed for people

This one is for @just-a-little-dragon , based on her moon-worshipping characters

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It's funny I swear

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y’all just— thinking about how excited Stanley must have been to host the twins— Alex says he smokes cigars but he doesn’t smoke once in the show— has a beer gut but he only drinks sodas in front of the kids— doesn’t swear when they’re around which must have taken INCREDIBLE effort— Stanley Pines, known crook, buying pancake mix at the supermarket and many bottles of syrup— learning to cook basic healthy meals and burning so many of them before he gets it right— buying new sheets, new mattresses— avoiding bunk beds because it reminds him of Ford— looking at the attic room he made wondering “is this enough will they like me”— trying to act aloof at the bus stop so he doesn’t betray the fact that he was there hours early— watching them goof around and thinking of New Jersey beaches— then the first night they’re there, he watches them debate running away and only stay because Mabel shook a magic 8 ball. That must have kept him awake all night.

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the sense of knowing that you're in a big transitional stage of your life. such a surreal feeling. exciting and terrifying and grief-filled and joyous all at once.

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