kleptomaniask

[kleptomaniask]

my only crimes were loving too much and confusing love with violence and so also extreme violence too i guess also i stole a few things too

[kleptomaniask]

my perfect crime? I memorize the entirety of the macy’s store inventory. I then go on aliexpress.com and find exact replicas of every single purse in the store. I break in at 3am, and replace every purse with a cheaper version of the purse. I take my real purses home and open up an online store on the darknet featuring fake purses. I then sell these real purses as fake purses, making it so that when the feds catch on to my antics, they spend countless years trying to figure out who can replicate purses this well, and who is selling them. Soon an entire division of the FBI is dedicated to finding me and figuring out how my “fake” purses appear to be real. 45 years later they finally trace my ip address and break into my villa in texas and shoot me right in the leg when i attempt to flee. While this would normally not be a fatal wound, due to my constant devotion to my online fake real purse storefront i have suffered an iron deficiency for 35 years. My blood can’t clot and I start to bleed out. Turns out the woman who shot me was a girl who i made out with once in college, and she holds my dying body in her arms and asks me how my fake purses were so real. I spend the last moments of my fleeting life telling her about how every five years i break into a different Macy’s and replace all the purses, and that the purses I have been selling online for a severely discounted price were actually all real, and I have been doing this purely for the gag of it all. When my former college girlfriend gets home from work after rightfully murdering me for my crimes, she goes into her walk in closet, looks at the 13 gucci purses she owns, and realizes that they’re all fakes.

[kleptomaniask]

fact: ppl named katie with a k are inherently more powerful than those who spell it with a c. the strongest catie could fight the weakest katie and would still be obliterated. however, katies ending in ie are superior to katies ending in y, with k/catis as the most inferior katie. the katie hierarchy is as follows: katie, katy, kati, catie, caty, cati. katherines, however, are the most powerful of all, with catherines at a distant second. if, for god knows what reason, you place an i between the a and the t (see: caitie, kaity), you do not qualify as a true katie, and will not survive past a single round of katie v katie fisticuffs.

[kleptomaniask]

obsessed with how my bestie deals with catfishing

[kleptomaniask]

My name is RED Hacker. Last week, I won 1000 dollars in the lottery. I was so happy. But then, four guys from my job came to me and said I should use my 1000 dollars to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band.

They promised that I would double my money in one afternoon. But the U.S. government arrested us, along with all the other Peruvian flute bands, and took us to an internment camp all the way up in the Colorado Rockies. We begged to be let go, but instead, the government told us they were sending us to Peru.

And so, that is why I am now in Peru. If I die, let it be known it is because of four gringos from work who I don't even like lied to me and took my lottery winnings.

-💻 [@askthehacker]

Where are you in peru? I might have been there.. semi-recently..

[kleptomaniask]

Literally so sad that you can't get disability allowance as a sneezy pyromaniac who's irrevocably horny

[kleptomaniask]

IDIOT 👇

You WILL look at this thumbnail i made of katherine for the comic I'm working on for the oc contest. She's stupid, and she's about to get hit in the head. Sad! If you maybe don't want that to happen (or if YOU would like to take the chance and hit her in the head,) you should vote for her here.

[kleptomaniask]

when i was really little and had just learned how to write my full name . i noticed my twin brother had really messy handwriting. while mine was like … as nice as it could be for a little kid. so i wrote my name in his handwriting on a wall and i waited to see who our parents would get mad at . and they blamed him. and that was when my life of crime began

[kleptomaniask]

Hamburbur

NOT what i'm called!!!

[kleptomaniask]

Do you celebrate your birthday? How if so?

Of course! I can't say what I really do, but you should know it involves lots and lots of misdirected calling cards, and a whole lot of toying with the police of whatever city i'm in. :)

[kleptomaniask]

What would you do if you won a lifetime's supply of cheese?

Hm.. probably try and figure out how to cheat the system so I get double.

[kleptomaniask]

How have you changed since you were a kid? :)

I've gotten.. a lot taller, I guess, and.. less scared? At least, a lot more confident in my.. skills.

[kleptomaniask]

Favorite clothing?

My usual - Turtleneck, suit jacket and pants, and thick gloves - as well as a red flat cap.

[kleptomaniask]

What do you have on you?

I can't say...

[kleptomaniask]

What's your pain tolerance like?

Great, if I need it to be! Once, I broke my legs jumping out of a 3-story building, and I didn't even make any noise for the 3 hours it took before my getaway got there!

[kleptomaniask]

Fall, spring, winter, or summer? Why?

Winter. It's cold, it's quiet, and it gets dark earlier..

[kleptomaniask]

What's the most boring thing in the world?

waiting for a museum to close when you're in the rafters...