kiwisarecoolerthanyou - Tumblr blog

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

only one glass of wine i promise

it’s not the staggering or the uneccessarily loud laughter that bothers me,

it’s the chewing, mouth open, lips smacking loudly, panting when it’s hot or  her face scrunching up if she likes it,

almost as if i grew up,

(my elbows are off the table right now)

and she went back, to being a child. 

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

please see this

i can taste the texture of the sky as i run my tongue across the grooves where the colours change & the clouds begin to drift; goodbyes are never felt until months later when i cross the road and a billboard flashes blue and white and purple (in that order) who knew i would crave the celebration of an ending that blindsided me– but it hurt only when the song on the radio switched out midway and i just wanted to hear it through one more time. the coat hanger is actually a picture frame holder now & the walls are grey, i would’ve spray painted them but my hands aren’t steady enough

i guess this is just a life update for the one person who will never see it

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

sea

will the waters of the ocean bring me full circle lapping the feet of the soil and drawing away when invited in are those my nerve endings at the frothy edges of waves? i will be just like the inky blue ice adrift asea amidst the green

words will never be enough to wrap around the world the way that you do

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

it's not my fault.

an uphill battle, that leaves a metallic tinge, in my mouth almost like blood

the guilt you made me feel, for a mistake that wasn’t mine, i carry it within me,  even now, after all this time

i’ve learned you like to hurt, take and destroy, despite your pretty facades, you’re the trojan horse, and we’re all living in troy.

we’re destined to fall, even you’re not invincible, we’re going to lose it all, one day.

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

heath-en

blood in the sky, blood on my teeth i tore through the clouds, looking to bequeath

my pain my grief, everything inside of me it wasn’t his fault, but what was meant to be

leaving me barren; look at this heath

when will you finally be free?

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

emotion is human. to be emotional

and therefore to be a self

is never enough.

the graveyard of love inherited leaves fingerprints

(it’s a crime scene)

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

orange

how many times will i cry orange was a bold colour & now it feels like the ragged edge of a microfiber towel pressed to my face (is it called self harm when you choose to choke on your tears but not wipe them?)

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

you miss him when he is there and long for him by his side hold his hand in your dreams but shirk his arms around your waist

it’s his absence that makes you better

a sickness cured by distance

it’s love in it’s purest form a love for an ideal (not the person)

not for someone, but at someone

you just want to love.

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

she looks just like a dream

pixels in technicolour exposed in the sunlight there’s a hole in the left corner where the ribbon used to be

it was strung to my bag like a dog tag for pretty girls

except girls aren’t pretty unless they’re willing to be

pretty for the male gaze, pretty for the mirrors,  pretty for digital cameras that reminisce the 2000s party funk

does my body curve just right only when my hands touch my waist and not the sides of my stomach? am i wide like a chasm or wide like the bridge that separates two islands

spacing is important. pout slightly, not too much. cute or hot? lean forward, no wait tilt your head back. your baby hairs are ruining the aesthetic.  i miss the aesthetic. sunlight, flowers, laughter. that’s the tagline. the day was just sucking in my stomach till i felt nauseous at the thought of biscuits & cake in a field.

pretty ruined my aesthetic.

pretty ruined me.

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

the additional information box

the questions were made to be answered with what i went through

but did i go through it? did i get through it if i’m complaining about it in a 150 word space, just to cramp my suffering into one short response question so that someone knows?

so that someone knows that i did everything i did despite everything you were.

so that someone knows i’m strong and capable and resilient and powerful.

so that no one knows i don’t have it in me to do it ever again.

so that no one knows i’m just a coward and an escapist and exhausted. 

will they think i lied in that 4 line response box because i’ve worked tirelessly for years to make it seem like nothings ever been wrong? that would be the ultimate irony – to suffer, to disguise said suffering and then to be called a liar because i did both so well. 

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

52 in a deck

i don’t have any synonyms // metaphors // pretty words left to describe who you are and what you did to me always wondering where i learned to lie why i can find meaning in the most convoluted ways little did i know its from a life of watching for signs where did you go? which one did you take? how much tension in the room?

never called a spade a spade always a black upside down heart well you broke mine everytime you savoured the burn you set my house aflame

i hate it here so i will run far away from you

& your addiction.

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

clueless

can you something away from me if it never belonged to me in the first place? maybe i just grabbed onto murder clues in the dark, but now my prints incriminate me victim perpetrator judge jury executioner. yet i cannot believe you didn’t fight for it the same way it was always give and take, i gave and you took from me; it was too much to expect that you would wrap your arms around me

with the healing flesh my body carved from myself unto you.

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

graveyard of inheritance

sometimes i can feel my heartbeat in my collarbone, but not when it begins to slow down. if my body were to be opened, i would hope it would be done methodically – i don’t want the remains of my soul to be shipwrecked on my bones.

i tap my collarbones when i’m nervous but i stopped doing that when she asked me whether i force myself to throw up after eating. i wouldn’t want to take that pain away from someone else. only my pain is enough to fill me up from the inside. it presses up against all my bones, but now my collarbone just aches when i’m nervous because i refuse to give in. bones can’t feel of course. the space in my brain that urges me to tap is what actually aches, but i refuse to give it the satisfaction it so craves.

what i’m trying to say is that my collarbone is a metaphor and i’m unfortunate enough to contain it. i wish i was just a simple sentence. subject, verb, object, period. one independent clause, no dependent clauses. i’m sick of having adjectives, and conjunctions, and prepositions, but i am unable to escape being knotted at my core; it’s because i read to much. i hold too many words inside of me to become a direct statement, and i’m always trying to get them out.

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

so i just finished reading ninth house by leigh bardugo and i am REELING. please i NEED a second book asap 🥺

also Alex Stern is now on my list of favourite badass female leads

ok that's all thanks

[kiwisarecoolerthanyou]

I've been staring at this for the last 3 hours pls help 🖐😭