kidpear

[kidpear]

For years I would look at posts and questionnaires about neurodivergence that takes about being so focused on something that you forgot to eat and be like, "Couldn't be me. Being hungry is so uncomfortable! Your stomach is growling and cramping? How do you ignore that?"

Then someone informed me that neurotypical people have a whole bunch of "hungry" sensations before they get to that point.....

[kidpear]

Fallen Angels, directed by Wong Kar-Wai

Instagram @vrtlworld

[kidpear]

Me: hey brain could we maybe do something

Brain: No. It is now time for Sit In The Bathroom and stare at Wall for an hour

Me: oh okay

[kidpear]

Take a guess

[kidpear]

lmao i havent posted on this blog in years. i want to scream but i feel like everyone around me is sick of me so:

i hate how much i talk. i ramble. i don't know how to shut up

i feel like my friends hate me.

i fucking hate my body. hate it even more after losing 40 lbs. cool cool COOL. i even lost most of it in a ~healthy~ way and didnt restrict myself to like 700 calories loke i used to because mindfulness or what the fuck ever. I know it makes me binge when i do that. some of my 700 cal or less days were even from being too depressed to care about eating rather than..... intentional ED bullshit. good job you depressed bastard i guess??

i want to break up with my fiance. i need to break up with my fiance. not because i dont love him but i feel like i ignored important shit in the beginning. i don't even know if i ignored shit, i think i didnt know myself very well. i dont want kids. he does. wherever we are, at least one of us is too far away from our family. i thought that wasn't very important but i was wrong. i wish i had had more time to be single in my formative years. or date casually. he's very ready to get married but i think he just.... romanticizes the idea of it. he's so good with my anxiety and my depression but i'm constantly lashing out at him and i feel awful and mean and selfish. i feel better when we're apart but the idea of officially ending things has made me sick to my stomach from anxiety and i know it's not going to go away until i do something. i have been pushing off actually getting married for two years, coming up with excuses. that should hve been my first 'oh duh we should break up.'

when i told him i regretted not dating more women or being single more. he 'gave me the okay' to date women. THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT. i don't want an open relationship. i'm monogamous as fuck and ~opening our relationship up~ isn't going to fix anything.

i feel stagnant. i need to work on actually having a life and living on my own or at least having some sort of fucking savings but 👏👏 i have no motivation 👏👏 is this because depression?? who fucking knows. depression makes me feel like there's no point in a future, so what's the point in bettering myself. i haven't had a real job in like 3 years.

i feel like a failure and genuinely have been considering killing myself but like???? i have these lucid moments and realize i'm 24 and have so much time. i just don't trust myself to do anything with it.

i keep having lucid moments where i like..... understand what i need to do to work on feeling and being better. i feel like i would do so much better in therapy now because i'm more willing to be honest instead of lie my way through sessions so i don't have to confront anything. i used to make shit up just to have answers for their questions.

i have moments where i feel like i'm away from my body and i feel nothing. and i come to the conclusion that I need to: end things with him, start volunteering to pad my resume, do something selfless like give blood so i have small good feeling motivation boosts (lmao not so selfless), pick up waitressing again, just some sort of short term job really, start therapy again, and try to get my GED so i can start thinking about school. and like.... objectively not a bad plan i guess. but then it's like i crash back into my body and feel like i'm going to be sick from anxiety again. it feels like so much to do and i KNOW it's not but f u c k. i'd rather kill myself.

there are days when i'm closer to wanting to off myself than the time i was hospitalized but bding hospitalized did shit all for me so???? i'm not saying shit to anyone this time.

[kidpear]

i feel so fucking stupid and awful

why can' i just call my mom anymore

why can't i talk to my family 

why can't things be fucking normal 

i miss my parents

[kidpear]

cant even be respected in my fucking safe place!!!!! guess nothing is mine!!!! fuck me right?!!?!????