kiasanablog

[kiasanablog]

Hey it’s 2pm and here’s what I’ve eaten today so far <3

Quarter of a greggs chicken baguette (125càls)

A handful of sweets from a Wilkinson’s pick and mix (abt 100càls)

I’m putting dashes on letters to maybe avoid getting flagged (fingers crossed)

Later I plan on having one Birdseye chicken burger and maybe some fries (abt 200càls)

I’m on my period atm and I’m in so much pain I can’t walk anywhere :( idk if I’ll pürgê tonight or not :/

I plan on playing video games all day and editing clips just to get me by.

I also have some sweet peach tea with me 🥰 very nice indeed <3

I hope you have a cosy day!!

Love Kia!

[kiasanablog]

Hey!!! I’m Kia <3

What’s one of your favourite TV show characters and which one do you think best describes you?

[kiasanablog]

Hey I’m Kia and this is my anorexia blog <3

This will be a day to day blog/journal where I document my experiences living with anorexia and purging disorder.

DISCLAIMER: this is in no way encouraging you to have an eating disorder, it is not fun to have and definitely ruins your life. This is a safe space for people with eating disorders and my experiences with it.

So a little bit about me:

I‘m 19 and my anorexia started about 9 months ago (not long enough for a diagnosis but I know myself enough) it started as disordered eating such as calorie counting 1500 every day and generally having a bad attitude towards eating and the way my body looked.

It then started to become more severe as I started restricting calories and cutting certain foods out of my diet completely or having a weekly “allowance” of certain foods.

This happened very fast and I now have a huge hatred towards my body. I can’t stand to look at it apart from when I haven’t eaten.

I now count 300-500 calories a day but try to keep it lower. Most of my calories being cups of teas or very small things.

A month ago I also started purging my food even when I severely restricted my diet. I could eat a 200 calorie meal and purge it 20 mins later because I hate the guilt that comes with eating and how it feels in my body. Purging makes me feel better.

Now you might be wondering “why not just REALLY restrict what you eat? to basically nothing”

- well, I live with my boyfrowns and I don’t want him to worry. He also likes to make sure I eat.

He is unaware of my purging habit but knows I struggle with eating. He supports me but doesn’t encourage me at all.

He also isn't forcing me to get better which I appreciate more than he knows. I’m so glad that he doesn’t scribble the out calories on packaging because I think I might actually die if he did that. I would simply refuse to eat the food if I didn’t already know how many calories were in it.

I don’t know how much weight I’ve actually lost but I’ve started to be able to feel my ribs through my skin again and my arms are thinner. This makes me happy as I know I’m making progress.

I’m In the mindset that I kind of dont want to get better but I’m also aware that this won’t be good for my body. I’m so far into it that I don’t really care if it kills me.

The only reason I’m not actually starving myself is because I don’t want my bf to be sad.

Anyway, this blog will be a kind of day to day thing. Every day I’ll make a post whether its short or long, I’ll write a ”what I ate In a day”, how far I’ve walked that day, what I did to distract myself and rant about other things :) it’ll kind of be a journal for me and maybe one day help with a diagnosis or possible recovery if I ever get to that stage.

Anything I say is not me giving tips it’s more just telling you what I do. Feel free to do the same but I will not be held responsible for your actions.

I can’t honestly say how this started exactly but I feel like most of it came from ED tiktoks and ED tumblr. Also a lot of bullying myself and already having that self hatred.

I had always been afraid of throwing up since I was a kid. its weird how fast that could change. Now I look forward to it.

It started when I got drunk one night last month and stuck my fingers down my throat to throw up the alcohol.

It didn’t feel bad at all and I wasn’t scared (because I was drunk) so the next day whilst I was sober I tried it again after a meal. I was a little nervous but it wasn’t awful.

I do it at least once every two days and the days that I don’t purge I will go for a long walk Instead.

I usually purge my dinner whilst my boyfriend is in the gaming room. Unfortunately the bathroom Is right next to his room and he could hear me so I usually switch the Tv on and grab a carrier bag. I make sure all the doors are shut so there’s less noise and I get right to it. It usually takes a while for me to gag but it works. Sometimes the smell and taste of my vomit will help me vomit more (it’s gruesome but it helps me)

Ive found that some foods are harder to throw up than others. My main struggle has been pork or any kind of bready foods. Pork is usually really tough so it hurts to bring back up :( I tend to avoid eating it and when I do I chew it really good.

Something I found that helps me eat less and feel okay is breaking up my food into tiny pieces. this feels like I’ve eaten more than I actually have. Sometimes my boyfriend picks up on it and scolds me (kindly) so I try to do it subtly.

About me

I started uni last year, I started with health sciences but because it’s an online uni I felt less inclined to care about it. This year however, I’m starting psychology. I’ve always been interested in how peoples brains work and how different thinking patterns are formed.

I’m also Autistic which is half the reason I fixated on calories so much and it’s become an unshakable issue. But because I’m so mentally damaged I don’t really care what happens to me or my body anymore. It feels rather euphoric to not care :)

I live in the UK but that’s not all that interesting. I have no friends other than a gal called Lucy. She is a wonder of a human being <3 we met online and haven’t met in person yet but she doesn’t live all that far from me so we plan to meet soon 🥰 she doesn’t know about my mental issues and I’m not sure if I wanna open up to her about it. All of my other close friends tend to leave after they know me. Which I understand. I’m not toxic but I’m not exactly easy to deal with.

At first we thought I had BPD but it turns out it was autism. Oh well

I do have family but they’re not very understanding.

When I told my mum I had autism she rolled her eyes and said she didn’t believe me because I wasn’t like my younger brother who also has autism. She said that I don’t strangle kids and cause mayhem in school so I just can’t be autistic.… Right..

She is a lovely mum but she doesn’t feel like someone I can really talk to or who will be there for me when I need her.

As for my sister she is trying to force me to get better. I love her but she can’t save me. I understand its hard for her but I haven’t even got that far yet.

I don’t want to be stopped, I want to be skinny. I want every bone to be felt. No skin in the way. but I want it to look pretty, not alien like.

This blog will be a huge trigger but you read at your own risk <3

I could go on forever but this blog is already pretty long so I’ll post another tomorrow :)

Cya <3