khrissbasamovement

[khrissbasamovement]

I finally finished nursing school!

Hey guys, 

For those who follow me on here or totally forgot i actually write on blogs welcome back!

I actually had to close off my tumblr for a while I had someone trying to ruin me on social media a couple months back along with my friend (messy situation)

but totally glad that is settled. 

So today is the day I waited 5 long years for...I finally finished nursing school!!

My expected graduation date was May 16th, but due to unprecedented circumstances and COVID happening our senior year was cut short. 

I honestly thought I’d be jumping for joy at finally finishing! And don’t get me wrong i’m extremely happy! 

But honestly with everything going on and everything going remote, my school didn’t really help us with preparing us to sit on for our boards, and how to prepare for our NCLEX. We were not just stripped the opportunity to do things like “Senior Week” but also were stripped of the opportunity as we felt abandoned on the end tail of things. 

Luckily for the Class of 2020 if there is one thing we learned in nursing school is how to advocate and speak up for ourselves. 

This last semester of nursing was the most dreadful, stressful, dark, devastating time for all of us. I honestly felt like I had no idea how to make that transition of going remotely. It was a good and easy transition but at least we got it done!

I still have some work to submit but for the most part i’m done with nursing school activities. 

IT was a long 5 years here and I was itching to graduate for so long. 

If you talked to me a couple years ago when I took Chemistry the first time and failed, I probably would’ve said something along the lines of “I’m not smart enough,” “I’ll never pass this,” “Chem is so hard and I probably won't even be able to become a nurse because i’m so stupid,” “Everyone’s going to know I got left back a year and make fun of me for it.” 

dude.... NO ONE CARES 

It took a while for me to understand that concept that everyone always says “You are on your own timeline.” 

Everyone that told me that I told them they were full of crap to say that least cause I was living in that moment. 

I remember exactly where I was when I found out I didn’t pass chem. I was in the downstairs portion of my Godmother’s 2 family house (and I had just recently lost my house cause we couldn’t afford to pay it during the time) and I remember being so positive I did really well on my Chem final that I would’ve probably passed with a C+ and moved on with my best friend at the time to the next section Concepts. And for a moment everything just got super quiet as I went onto the website to find out that... I had failed by just 0.4. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach and I felt like every time I tried to catch my breathe I got pushed down deeper. 

And here I am 5 years later, finished my last session of Nursing classes, waiting to submit my last assignment/ catch up on work... it almost doesn’t seem real

If I had given up 4 years ago I wouldn't be in the position I am in now. IT felt so unobtainable and out of my reach. 

If there is anyone out there struggling to figure out “How am I going to stay an extra year?” “How am I going to pay for that extra year?” “How do I tell my parents I didn’t pass?” Trust in the process, pray, and believe that God is with you every step of the way. 

If it’s something you want. YOU DO NOT EVER GIVE UP. If I had given up I would’ve finished college unsatisfied with myself, with regret. 

Ultimately this a decision that you must make and only you. I had the choice to drop from nursing and go into another career. 

It made me question my character and if I REALLY DEEPLY in my heart if I wanted to do nursing. And I am here writing this blog post to you guys being fully aware that by May 16th, 2020 I will have a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. 

It's true when they say everyone finishes on their own time. I had met people in my nursing career that have failed numerous times, are still in that program and will graduate 3+ years later than the expected. I have met people who are parents and have a degree but wanted to do nursing instead, and they went back to school and have kids, older than myself (22 years old).... because you want to know what we all have in common? RESILIENCE. 

No matter what cards we were dealt. We dealt them. Even if the clock was running out of time and there was 5 seconds left in the game, we said “put me in coach” and made that hail mary shot. WE ALL MADE IT HERE. 

When something seems unobtainable why give up? Think of a new strategy and get it done. College and especially nursing school is not a race. Everyone learns/ grows at their own pace. Just because you didn’t finish on the specific timeline that you wanted DOESN’T MEAN you should hold up the white flag and give up. THIS IS THE TIME TO WORK HARDER AND MAKE THAT COMEBACK!

No matter how long it takes you to reach your goal, never stop striving for it. There will be some days you feel ultimately defeated, and some days where you can conquer the world, hold onto that feeling, embrace it, let it consume you and study, hit those books and strive for that degree!

TO MY CLASS OF 2020 WE FUCKING DID THE DAMN THING!!

Anyways it’s been a while since I’ve been on here! If you guys are still with me trying to catch up on my blogs welcome back! thanks for staying.

gotta go study for the NCLEX NOW!! (wish me luck LOL)

[khrissbasamovement]

Let’s catch up (October 29, 2019)

Happy Fall y’all,

Sorry for my absence, i’ve been quite busy with school, my new boyfriend and life in general. 

I used to use this blog as an outlet for my anger, fears, depression, and doubts... although I will continue to write about such things.. I wanted to give you guys some happy content. 

In the course of the past year i’ve lost the man i’ve loved for 6 years and gained someone else I’m continuing to learn to love everyday. 

His name is Frank, we’ve been talking since March, believe it or not we met on Tinder.. I know what you’re going to say... “weren’t you just shitting on dating website?” lol yes I have but this one time it actually worked for me. 

After me and my ex broke up I used Tinder as a joke almost, only going on when I was lonely or didn’t have anyone to talk to that day. I was talking to many guys on there and nothing clicked, went on dates that didn’t work out, hooked up with guys that just didn’t make the cut.. 

i was honestly lost in the thought of needing someone to be happy, so I was making empty relationships with people I just didn’t care about to fill the void of not having someone to talk to everyday, go on dates with, celebrate things with..

you know the type of person you wake up to every morning and you just want to tell them about the dream you just had, the little things that make you upset, someone to say good morning and good night to everyday.. that was what I was missing.. 

but I told myself I need to know what it’s like to be on my own and  be single just for a little bit. I needed to put all my attention into making myself into the person I wanted to be.. something I was lacking in my other relationship.. 

Then came Frank...

LOL ask anyone who knew about us I was pretty wishy washy on actually being something with Frank. 

I was on the mindset that I wanted to be single and work on myself and I didn’t want any distractions and I made that very clear with him... 

but... like they say about love.. it comes unexpectedly..

I had the best summer of my life with him, traveling with my friends and just making the best of summer. I'm used to not doing anything in the summer and just mostly working and this was finally the one summer i just did whatever the fuck I wanted unapologetically and spent my money (but i’m broke now it’s okay memories don’t cost money anyways) 

I don't think i’ve ever fallen in love with someone this quickly but I found it happening without me even realizing, and when I did, I protected myself and tried to end it or almost being more self destructive again..

I never thought I’d ever find someone who would give up everything just to see me even if we had just known each other for a couple days... I’ve told him things in the first week we were talking that took people years to find out about me.. 

He was the reason why I said fuck this waiting game, fuck a timeline, I want him...

He has taught me more about myself then i’ve never known my entire life. He’s given me every reason to feel like i’m on top of the world even when I feel like a zero. 

He helped me figure out how strong I was in the midst of all the chaos of my life. He pushes me everyday to be the best self I could be.

On days where I can't give 100% of myself in the relationship, he makes sure he’s at 200% to pick up the slack and vice versa.

I never knew what it was like to love someone this much until I just let myself go. Let him see the side of me that I thought if someone saw this side of me they’d leave me immediately

I still get butterflies when we go on dates because everyday is like the first day I finally met him for our first coffee date. 

Everything just felt so fluid, calm, he became a part of my oasis...

There are times where I feel like all of this is too good to be true when I wake up in the morning.

I always catch myself looking at him when he’s concentrated on doing something and smiling at how focused he is even when i’m being loud and annoying. 

Sometimes when I roll over and I see him sleeping I can't help but be thankful because this is the shit i’ve seen in movies. 

This is the love my mom used to talk to me about when I was a little girl with Disney princesses.. 

This is the stuff that people talk about and it’s so rare to find. 

The kind of feeling you get that just takes over your whole body, your being, the person you are and you’re filled with warmth and love. 

On days when we fight, we fight hard but love harder. Sometime I could get so mad at him and not want anything to do with him and instead of backing off he’ll show up at my door and say I’m not leaving until we fix this

Never in a million years would I have ever thought i’d be in this position but I am 

Instead of asking “are we official” “do you actually love me”... i ask.. “what’s next for us?” and i live in the present moment. 

Right now he’s sitting next to me drawing... and i took the time out of studying to write this and i’ve never been more happy than I am in this moment

this right here is where I want to be for the rest of my life, by his side, cheering him on to be an officer or a pilot or whatever he could possibly want to do.. 

I can’t wait to do this life shit with someone who’s secure about me and I of him..

before I make everyone want to vomit and tear their eyes out.. 

if you made it to the end ... 

thank you for watching me grow and being there for when I was struggling, depressed and angry.. 

thank you for being here cheering for my happiness cause i’m finally here.

keep your head up 

xo,

Khris 

[khrissbasamovement]

Dear J, (August 29,2019)

It’s been a while....

To catch up on a few things, me and J are no longer together. As you might expect our perfect relationship on social media wasn't always that perfect. 

There was a lot of jealousy, deceit, hatred, love, resentment, pain... all from letting each other go.

It wasn't mutual at first...

I was extremely unhappy and afraid that I couldn't move on, it wasn’t just losing a boyfriend, it was losing someone who saw me develop into the woman I was still becoming. He was a part of my life that still had my mother in it. 

And... I was holding on to the relationship for dear life as a consequence. 

It stripped me from my self- worth, I started making excuses, saying it was okay that I was loving enough for the both of us, it was okay that I was crying every night and I couldn't tell him about things that clouded my mind. 

I felt alone, unwanted, and afraid of change. 

I was afraid of letting go to the person I was with him because I wasn’t sure of the person I was without him.... 

We’d show up to friend events and family events all happy with no one realizing that we were both completely broken inside. That the happy couple we once looked like was completely destroyed and there was no way of salvaging that. 

It was hard transitioning from a romantic/ intimate relationship to one that was platonic and just friends. 

I’d go crazy, sometimes unhappy seeing him trying to move on. 

The thought of having to start over scared the shit out of me and that’s probably one of the reasons why when we first broke it off I was self destructive. 

I would tell myself.. i’m not good enough, i’m too fat, i’m not pretty..

I’d compare myself to girls on social media and think to myself why wasn’t I ever good enough for him...

It was a hard couple of months for me and I wasn’t truly over our relationship until a couple months back...

I loved him unconditionally, whole heartedly, without fear... I still do and he will always have a special place in my heart...

I mean six years is a long time you can spend with someone, talking to them everyday, getting to know their mannerisms, what makes them laugh, what makes them angry, what makes the hairs on their back stand up.. 

I hated myself.. I hated how weak I had become. I became dependent on him for my happiness.. and I think that a part of me realizes that I shouldn't have put that on him..

It turned very toxic and the foundation of our friendship that I was trying to keep felt that it was crumbling... I never knew what it was like to lose someone you really loved in this way.. a romantic way

I just didnt view him as a guy I had sex with or a guy who i talked to everyday. He was a part of my mom. He reminded me so much of my mom. He would drop everything just to make sure I was okay, I was good and yet I was angry at him for finally wanting to do something that would benefit him.. how could I do such a thing? You know 

He put me through a lot of shit, i was self conscious, unhappy about the way I was, i feel like i was lagging behind. I didn’t really get to have fun with my friends because I was afraid of being without him. 

All of which could have been avoided if we both saw the red flags or if I had been more clear about what I wanted and what he wanted. I think I just wanted to hear and see what I wanted to rather than actually listening... 

And it wasn’t just all my fault it was his too and I think we both knew it was coming to an end.. 

It was my turn to finally have the balls to say enough is enough and actually leave.

That was the beginning of this year... 

Through a lot of tears, sadness, resentment... towards J

I can now happily say.. It was for the best.

I don't  think i’d ever realize all the things I loved about myself or who I was without having to go through this big breakup

He was truthfully my first love and you always remember those..

He helped shaped me into the person I was. 

I don't have hatred towards him.. I still love him

We just weren’t meant to be lovers, we were meant to be friends and i’m glad we both have started to move on and see how we match up in each others lives..

I wouldn't say that the 6 years we spent together was a waste but rather a learned lesson... a time of growing up.

I never knew what it would be like without him until I actually had to start moving on with life without him..

he’ll always be my best friend...

I hope one day we can meet up and see each other happy.

Thank you for everything.. I love you and I hope we can be friends one day.

When it comes down to it you’re still family. 

[khrissbasamovement]

Mindful Reflection (September 29, 2018)

Disclaimer... this is probably going to get extremely sad..

I apologize for my absence....

I feel as though I haven't been in the mindset of writing anything until now. I needed some time for mindful reflection and I wasn't sure where to go from here. I was afraid that whoever was reading my blog would be disappointed in hearing that I hit rock bottom and I couldn't pull myself up from there.

This past year has been so very difficult for me. 

It’s been a constant wake up and do the same damn thing over and over again and I felt like I was ultimately stuck in a rut and.... before this goes further on 

I just want you to know I still am. 

It’s been getting hard to put on that face like everything’s okay when as soon as you get back to your room it hits you like a brick wall. It’s like in every direction you’re going it’s a one way and it’s a path where you think it’s going to lead to something beautiful, but you end up at a dead end.

I’m lost.... I feel sometimes that I  begin to distract myself with other things that don’t really seem to have anything of substance. 

Things that happened this past year.. 

I lost my Lola (aka my grandmother) she was honestly very important to me. She helped my mom raise me and helped me shape into the woman I am today. She was there for me when my mother died, sleeping in the same room as me (we were roommates for a while) but her just being there gave me comfort that I still had her. I still had my mom

When she died it happened so soon. She was walking fine and happy and we had just spoken not to long ago and in the next minute in the blink of an eye she was gone. This gave me another reality check that I forgot.. or at least it slipped from my mind... That we’re only here temporarily and life is so fucking important. 

The people around you are so fucking important. 

I miss my mom every day of my life and I miss my grandma too.. 

It’s hard isn’t it? Being so wrapped up in things that honestly can wait one day that you often forget the people around you. or sometimes people just never get to that point of understanding how important you are to them and vice versa.. but you can’t make someone understand... 

You can’t make someone understand how fragile life is and how the memories and moments count so much. 

These two women are my entire being and it’s so hard to let go of them and move on... and grow.. 

It’s hard to grow when the women who basically helped and molded you are gone. 

It gets harder everyday not being able to talk to them and listen to their advice or give me comfort. I honestly couldn't tell you how much I miss their cooking. What I would do to just taste their food... It makes me regret missing dinner with them to go out and eat crappy restaurant food that seemed to taste so good before they were gone. 

My grandma always had jokes and basically acted like my age. She was so full of life they both were you know. So full of life.. it’s like they were superhuman almost; the way they can make everything better by just giving you a smile when you’ve had a really crappy fucking day.. 

The love that only a mother and grandmother can give you. 

It’s like losing my mom over again you know? 

I've never felt so vulnerable and I think it’s just hitting me all at once all this pain that was masked by “having to move on””having to study for the next” the notion that “you don’t have time to be sad because time doesn't stop”

But you need time to self reflect, you need time to understand your feelings and a good way to cope with death. 

Even after all these years I still have yet to find a way to effectively cope. 

If you ask anyone close to me they probably had no idea that any of this is going on with me but it’s like how do you... say all of this and put all this on someone you love. 

So... instead I just had to deal with all of this in silence. 

It’s like waking up in a bad dream everyday.. feeling lonely every day. 

But the only way I can understand why I am still here is to feel this way. It’s the only way you can cope.. or i guess the way I cope. 

I’ve never wanted to look as helpless and lonely like this before and I’m sure as you’re reading this you’re probably like why? how? what stopped you from telling someone?

It’s my pride, my ego. I had to deal with this by myself and I guess it’s cause I don't want to put anyone through it again. 

I don’t blame anyone for leaving my side or growing apart from me because I probably pushed them or they just needed time to grow.. 

That’s what we’re all doing anyways trying to grow, trying to deal with pain, trying to deal with loss, trying to deal with heartbreak, trying to just deal... with all the shitty things life gave us... and trying to find the good in everything we do.

It’s hard to be broken alone but I guess I realized why I started this blog a long time ago.. It was to help me find the brokenness in myself to find who I am.. It helped others give something to read or I guess something that someone can relate to..

So... 

welcome back to my oasis

welcome back to my story

Talk to you soon ... 

[khrissbasamovement]

Dear Mom, (June 15, 2017)

You’re probably wondering how I'm doing being its your 2 year anniversary today. 

I could lie and tell you everything’s been going smoothly..... 

But I could never lie to you. 

I know from up there you’re probably looking down rooting for me. Telling me everything’s going to be okay even though I feel like it’s not. 

Sometimes I can talk about you without getting choked up, but most of the time my voice cracks, I start sounding a little shaky and I stop myself before the water works start. 

The biggest thing with me talking about you is that I can never make new memories with you, I can't talk about in you present tense...

I always have to start a sentence with “My mom used to say” “My mom was” “Back then” “A couple years ago” 

I can't say “So yesterday” or “earlier” or “oh yeah my moms coming home in a few stay and say hi”

It sucks not being able to talk about you, it sucks not having people meet you and get to know you and talk to you and form a relationship with you. 

If theres one thing you have taught me was to never make this world or people change the heart that I have. Even though I feel like the world is against me and life has been unkind I still give them everything I got. 

When you were sick and going through chemo you never let the shine fade and the love fade from your heart, your soul.. you. 

People say i inspire them but you inspire me everyday... 

In the short 17 years that i got to spend with you you taught me everything...

You taught me to show the same respect to everyone no matter what job title they have or the color of skin they have, whether they were rich or poor. “Give the same respect with a person who has no money and a person who is a CEO of the company”

You taught me that beauty comes from within. I never understood that statement until my hand was between you and a razor to shave your head. As you cried as the hair fell off your head I couldn't imagine the pain you must have felt to lose what made you... a “woman”.. 

You got a Mastectomy, you were bald and what made you a “woman” your breast was taken from you too... and yet there you were sitting there.. beautiful as ever. 

This was the moment I realized that you, you were beauty in the rarest and truest form. This was the moment i realized that looks do not define you as a person. What defines you is the energy you give back, the kindness in your heart and the love you give.

I miss you is an understatement and everyone who knew me when you were here knows how hard and rough its been without you. 

I still cry every now and then and i still sometimes think you’re going to come home one day in your scrubs. 

But just know i’m being taken care of down here and I'm loved and happy on the days where i need it the most. 

Love you mama

see you soon

[khrissbasamovement]

fuck.(February 19, 2017)

i’m on an emotional rollercoaster. 

I have been for a couple years now and i just can’t seem to shake the feeling

today i lied to the guy i loved about something stupid. idek why i said it tbh but it’s been weighing on my heart even though he let it go. 

i just feel like I'm going back to square one... as if all this hard work isn't paying off.

Lately i’ve been feeling as though i’m disappointing everyone and making everyone think less of me. I just keep replaying everything bad that i did or how fucked up my life was a couple years ago. 

It makes me look at my past and i guess I'm proud of where i am now but i guess I'm not proud of who i was

I’m ashamed of myself to say the least. I feel like I'm working backwards and i feel like i haven't really accomplished much of what i want to do and be. 

Major letdown is the understatement of how i feel at the moment. 

I just don’t know who i’m becoming and I'm not sure if I'm on the right track. 

I try so hard for people to never think any less of me. I try to be genuine, nice and kind to those i don't and do know but we’re all human. We all make mistakes 

That little white lie i told was just something i was so ashamed of. I couldn't even look him in the face after he caught me in that lie. 

I got images in my head of how ugly distraught and broken i was when my mom died that i feel like i wasn't me inside. I felt like i was going back to that person. 

The one i couldn't even recognize.. and that’s what scared me. That’s what made me mute. Thats what made me want to delete social media basically for the time being. 

Cause ultimately i don't think i can handle all this pressure and drama. 

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a big judge of character for myself and when i see one of my flaws peaking through and i act upon that flaw i take it out on myself 100x more than what a normal person would do. I don't like when i step out of my character and do something i normally wouldn't do. 

I hate myself right now. 

I don't know why i lied. Everyones human everyone will lie once in a while and they'll get over it but with me... It just dawns on me so fucking heavy. it eats me alive inside. It hurts my soul, the way i was brought up, the fight i took to get back to where i was. thats what hurts 

I know he forgives me and i know he cares but i just feel like I'm going to do something I'm going to regret in the long run. 

I lied and i feel like total shit for it. If you guys knew what i said you guys would probably think its not a big deal but it is for me because its something i worked really hard to not be. 

I used to lie to get my way and i don't want to be that person anymore and i feel like I'm going back to that and its driving me nuts. Only because of this one replay of how i used to be and i can't stop holding it against myself.

MY anxiety is so high. i hope i get over this funk. fuck. 

[khrissbasamovement]

January 11,  2017

Good morning rise and shine it’s a new day!

so today I can't help but notice that i start classes again next week. And actually I'm dreading it.

i worked out twice yesterday and I’ve never been so sore in my life LMFAO 

i’m drinking my coffee at my computer desk and wondering what ultimately i should write about but what may seem boring to you all. So basically I'm just going to ramble on about what I'm doing today or what i want to do but i may be too lazy to do. 

So i actually wanted to get my nails done today or do them myself. Also thinking of shaping my eyebrows and shaving my face(yes for easier application of makeup). maybe doing a face mask and body scrub?

Since class starts next week i feel like i should do all these things because i feel like i basically have no time left LOL. 

i really am in need for a back massage but i usually have my friend do it for me because nonetheless I'm extremely ticklish LOL

maybe get another work out in today even though i did a 2 a day yesterday (need them booty gains) 

having lunch with chynna later because we’ve been craving chipotle and basically all we do is literally eat when we’re together. 

probably going to play WOW for the entirety of the rest of the night later tbh 

you can blame Jon for that one. 

i should really get a facial though too as well as a massage. LMFAO most of you reading this are probably like wtf Khristine this is so pointless.

well shit this is my blog 

but i will leave you guys with something. Although sometimes we all do complain about the things we don't want to do at least we have the opportunity to do those things where others may not. i guess be grateful for all the experiences you have. 

i promise i’ll write something better tomorrow!

[khrissbasamovement]

New Year 2017

I haven't had really the time to write or even think about everything that has happened over the course of 2016. 

My life has had some up and downs starting at the beginning of 2015.. 

I’ve lost a lot of things too much to count. I’ve been burdened by a lot of hardships..

but i will not let this stop me from becoming great. This past vacation I got the news that I would be 2 points away from passing Chemistry. In order to move onto Clinicals for nursing you would need to be able to successfully pass it as well as have a 3.0 GPA. Sadly i did not meet the Chem requirements and will not be able to move on as planned and this would move me back a year. 

Although i wasn’t happy about it in the beginning when i first got the news I’ve learned a valuable lesson in this obstacle. 

1. Always help yourself first before you help others. In the past year i’ve noticed that i’ve helped others too much. I’ve been too kind and too supportive of everyone around me. Talking about this is a “team” we are a “team” but yet when one player gets left behind they no longer include them in the “team” People forget what you do for them when you get them where they need to be or help them.

So my resolution for this year is to mainly focus on myself in school. I will probably not be as talkative or as into the “school” as i used to be. Because in reality i like being quiet. I like locking myself in a room and studying by myself. In the end no one will ever help you get you where you need to be and if you help others it will only bite you in the ass. Life is a competition. 

2. It doesn’t matter whether you finish first or you finish last, what matters is that you finish. I was so concerned that I wouldn't be able to graduate on time or with my friends. Or that money would be such an issue but at the end of the day none of that shit matters if you still have the confidence and drive to finish what you started. 

My resolution goes along the lines with “slow and steady wins the race.” Although i will be pushed back a year. This gives me the extra drive to finish what i started and has given me the drive to get that 4.0 GPA again as next semester begins. I’m grateful to be set back now than later when it counts more. Although it will make me struggle financially this will help me embody the skills of working under pressure and handling a job as well as school all at once.

Now that school is boring lets talk about my gym life..

so this past January 7th.. marked 3 years since i started my lifestyle change to be healthier. 

Although sometimes i get off the rails and eat shitty i’m still way skinnier than i was before as well as healthier. 

One of the reasons i started this change 3 years ago was because i wasn't in the best condition actually i was pre diabetic and was borderline to becoming diabetic. i was medically unhealthy in all aspects and if i didn't make this big change i would probably have a lot of health problems going forward. 

This sparked me into not only have the drive to lose weight but also be healthy. 

One of the things i’ve learned along my fitness journey is that consistence is key and I'm glad that i lost weight but I'm even more grateful to go into the doctors and them telling me I'm in healthier condition and no longer borderline diabetic and my cholesterol is no longer as high as it used to be. I’m happy I've kept most of the weight off. Everyday it’s a struggle to be break the norms of media’s idea of what being fit looks like but in reality even though i may not have the greatest body i’m still confident in myself to know that I'm healthy in all aspects. 

When i think of health i think of yes being in shape but also being healthy in my state of mind, my relationships as well as my faith. All of these things relate to my health and how i perceive if I'm feeling okay. 

I wasn't in the best state years ago and i may not be all the well off now either but i know that i’m continuing to grow and continuing to be a better person everyday.

You always have to remember where you started and where you came from because it will always be better every single day. Although some days i have really bad days i know that i am better off now than i was yesterday and etc etc. 

Sometimes i look back on my life and cry. Only because i wish i could hug that girl that used to cry every night thinking how much my life sucked that i will be blessed with many more things as the years go by. I wish back then i could tell myself that i would be happy again one day and that to live every day with a smile. I wish  back then that i could tell myself that everything would work out for the better and that even though mom died that you will get through it and you will be better and you will make her proud. because even no matter all the shit i’ve been through i’ve had so many consistent people in my life. 

My family has done nothing but support me as well as my two bestfriends in the entire world. Chynna and Jon. Although i have many other friends i’ve met along the way these two have constantly been consistent with me and have supported me through it all. They’re probably the only people who really know me for me and have seen me grown into the person i am today. They saw me in states that i wasn't really proud of. They saw me when i couldn't recognize myself in the mirror. They’ve brought me back from the depths of hell to the person you see today. 

Most of you will claim to “know me” but you will never know me as much as they have. They’ve seen all sides of me that most people would probably get rid of me for. 

one of the biggest mottos I'm living by this year is “there’s only way from here now, and that is up”

stay up love bugs. 

I hope everyone has a blessed year. 

[khrissbasamovement]

You...

“hey my name  is... you” 

He was mysterious in all the right ways, the things you hear in books. 

He was broken and I was intrigued to help fix him, and in the midst of it all i started to grow feelings for him. 

The type of feelings Cinderella has about Prince Charming. The type of feelings you see in those movies where the girl secretly likes the guy but he always goes for the better looking girl and either he realizes it too late? or not at all. 

I’ve held myself in this predicament for quite a couple years now.. 

You said, “you are amazing and beautiful but just not the right one for me”

yet i tried and bent myself backwards and around to help you see that maybe just maybe i was worth it all. 

but sadly i was mistaken. 

when you’re so nice to people but you’re just tired of feeling bad and tired of getting taken advantage of yet in your heart... you still want them?

I asked myself if i believe in God then i must believe in the devil? 

but how can such a wonderful smile be so evil and so wrong for you.

it’s harsh to think of someone as the devil or even compare them to him but he was sort of devilish sort of evil. But i looked past it all

“Do you miss me like I miss you? Fucked around and got attached to you Friends can break your heart too” 

“Yeah all alone I watch you watch her She's the only thing you've ever seen How is it you'll never notice That you are slowly killing me” 

I see the way you look at other girls when I'm with you and it’s the look you gave me when you first met me the type where you were like “i gotta have her” 

but i guess you already had me and when you had me you started realizing that the only thing you wanted was the thought of me and not actually having me. 

he was my kryptonite... the type that takes the life out of you but puts it back in time just so you can breathe again. 

I never saw myself as the one to be so hung up on someone who didn't want me. 

Usually i let them go in a split second but with this one i don't know. 

I can't just throw out the poison that supplied me. 

I can't help but still want him

People keep telling me that one day he’ll realize how much you really did for him but then it’ll be too late for him.. i wish that were true and i wish i could erase the images. 

I wish i could replace the person in the memories with someone else. 

but then again i don't.. i don't want to lose the memories or the feelings or the happiness we once had. but why is it that thinking about that happiness is getting me mad?

getting me mad to the point where i want to curse you and wish i never met you. 

But yet i still pray for you on Sundays. For your happiness. yet sometimes i forget i may not be a part of that happiness. 

In the end i wish you were in love with me. 

I wish Christmas was like the first one we spent together the one when i was obsessed with the movie frozen. 

or when we used to go out to eat every weekend and you'd take pictures of me as soon as the food came out..

you were the type of person you crave more than the food i was about to eat.

At the end of the day I'm not quite sure what to say, whether its i love you, i hate you, i miss you.. words can never really express how i feel. 

Although life with you would be better. Ill be fine without YOU. 

maybe you'll know when its too late.

[khrissbasamovement]

.....

and always try and try be better and be this perfect person, yet it just still doesn't seem to be enough you know?

You change for the better and boom one thing happens and you’re brought a thousand steps back. I will never understand why I let things like this get to me or why i feel like everything’s just always my fault. 

I feel like i continue to blame myself and apologize for just being me. and when i am being myself i get criticized for it basically. 

It’s not much of a way to live i guess. 

People have the tendency to tell me how caring i am and how much of a good person i am but at the end of the day they never treat me as such, The whole “do unto other as you want done to yourself” is kind of bullshit because at the end of the day whether you’re good or not people will still treat you like shit. and that’s just how life really works

some days i really do bring myself down. People may see me as this confident person on social media but we all know media is just a facade. It’s what we want everyone to see but not what really life is like. 

For example some of the pictures i post are most likely after the fact that i was crying basically the entire night but no-one sees that. Those pictures with a smile on my face were sometimes taken minutes before an argument and etc. 

I guess what i’m trying to get at is i know i deserve better but i don't know what better is but i know I'm not getting treated as i would like to. but i can't help it. 

ultimately i sometimes feel alone and empty in the inside even with a crowd full of people. But to help ease that pain i smile and try to make other people smile. 

I'm the type of person to never judge anyone no matter how troubled or weird they are.. and i guess that’s why i love so hard. i love too deep. i care too much..

[khrissbasamovement]

November 15, 2016

As i type this i’m sitting infront of my laptop. 

Anxious and mad. 

Nervous and tired.

I feel like I'm going into a relapse of who i was before. This crazy, not one to listen but to judge type of person. 

I never was one to accomodate my feelings for others pleasure or i guess others feelings. But now i seem to be feeling like i have to in order to just try and keep ties with some of my friends. 

i guess the root of it all is not being able to express how i feel really. I feel like i haven't been able to sit down and talk to anyone about anything personal about myself. Usually its all “hi I'm fine and you?” or “nursing you know how that goes..”

But being able to really talk about how i feel about everything i don't do much of that. 

I usually push it aside some days and act like it'll go away but lately i find myself driving home from class in my car taking a deep sigh and crying all the way back home. Then wiping away the tears putting a smile on my face and getting dressed for the gym. 

I guess lately i’ve been starting to realize how much of the little things and the big things my mom did for me. 

i miss home cooked meals. the ones where when you come home its already on the table. The ones you love so much that you take it to eat for the lunch the next day. The ones where its so good that if you could have one thing for the rest of your life you'd eat it forever. 

i miss the coming home and just seeing her sitting on the couch curled up under a blanket and watching her favorite TV show asking me how school was. I miss her helping me with my homework when i didn't know the answer and shed be like yes you do and i did but i just needed her help to push my forward. 

I miss the nights of just realizing that i had a mom you know. The whole stopping by her room knowing she’s there. The assurance that you know that she’ll come home soon. But yet every time i hope i know she won't be there.

She won't be there dragging me to church on sundays even though i don't feel like it but now i go by myself. 

I miss the days where we would just laugh you know laugh with your mom with her ridiculous laugh that could make anyone laugh.

I miss having a mother figure to always help me double check on whether or not i looked “okay” or if i looked “horrible” and should change lol. I miss those times where i had nothing to match but mom’s always have that one little thing every time that would. 

I miss that person who filled that empty seat on the holidays....

I miss that one woman who would take me out every Sunday and i was always her “co pilot” in the car. 

I miss when i’d put z100 on and she’d turn and be like “oh look it’s that bieber guy you like” or “is this usher?” and id always laugh cause id always wonder how she even knew who they were LOL.

i miss the way she like did my nails, did my hair.. pampered my pretty much. 

I miss being able to call her during her breaks just to tell her I'm home and asking how work was going. thats why from 5-7 I'm usually always at the gym. to get my mind off things... 

I miss scaring her in the mini van when i surprised her with coming with my dad to pick her up from work. Hiding in the back row then halfway through the car ride i’d yell boo and “scared” her even though 100% she caught on. 

you never really know how much a person does for you sadly until you realize that the person who used to do the little things for you are no longer there....

I try to be this big strong person who is always the one people go to for advice or the one person people can trust with with everything. But at the end of the day I'm just as fragile as everyone else but I'm not one to go out right and make it known. 

I miss her with my whole heart and anyone who really knows me knows that doing college without has be rough and doing this whole life thing without a mom to come home to really hurts. 

It’s my fault entirely for holding back my feelings and not opening up to people when they know something is wrong but how can i go up to a person and just be like “i hate my life so much and i miss my mom so much that my heart physically hurts and sometimes i feel like i can't breathe when i wake up”

its not much of a conversation starter if you ask me...

and i guess thats why i have you guys my readers. I just wanted to give you guys an update on how i feel cause i know a lot of you must be wondering where or how i’ve been. of course if you guys want to message me you are always free to and hopefully in time ill be more open to sharing how i feel. 

remember to always stay up and i know you're probably wondering wtf bitch this shit was so depressing the fuck. but really do stay up...

because no matter what we can and will get through this.

love you love bugs. 

[khrissbasamovement]

September 28,2016

Hi guys I haven't talked to you guys in so long. 

I’ve just been so busy with school that i haven't really done anything but work out at the gym and go home to study then sleep. 

My life’s slowly but surely getting on the path I want to be on but i guess it’s not going in the direction i want it to go. 

We expect so much from the world sometimes. 

I expect so much from people sometimes. 

Lately i’ve really been only relying on myself for things. I haven’t really been needing anyone though it'd be nice to have someone listen once in a while. 

I guess I'm contradicting myself a little... not needing attention but still wanting it. 

Im stuck between getting what i want but it not being necessarily what i need and getting what i need but it not necessarily being what i want. 

I guess i just ultimately feel trapped in an on going circle with life.

It goes up then i overthink so it goes back down and the cycle continues. 

I’m still growing up i guess and i’m still kinda lost. 

I can’t help but repeat it but it’s times like this i think people really need their moms to hold them when things just don't go right. You may be 21 or 30 at the end of the day you still need that comfort and compassion from a mom. And i think that’s ultimately what i’m missing. 

I’m missing her guidance and that person to talk to and relate to when I'm stressing about nursing. I wish she could just be like hey it may be rough now but it’s going to be worth it in the end baby girl. you know? 

All honesty the reason why i’m lost is because she’s not here. She’d usually be the one to make some decisions for me or clarify if i make a good one and i’ve just been doing it all on my now for the past year and a couple months and it’s catching up to me. 

i feel a bit over whelmed with everything going on. Even though i’m trying to remain positive and happy but pushing and hiding those feelings aside have really been eating at my soul and my motivation and my confidence. and the problem is... i don't want guidance from anyone but her. 

I don't want to have to open up to people and feel as though i’m burdening them you know? do you ever feel that way too? like you’re troubling them with your problems but you already know so much of theirs that you don't wana tell them yours and have them be concerned with yours as well. because that’s literally all i’ve been feeling. Sometimes when someone asks how I'm doing i just wanna break down and cry but other times i’m like no Khris don't be weak. don't cave in. push it aside and let it go. 

Ah man idk. 

sorry if this was a little eh

Stay up! love bugs. 

[khrissbasamovement]

Lost, Don't Follow (September 10, 2016)

As the title points out.. I'm lost.

Lost in a way that I’m not sure if i’ll ever be truly satisfied with my life. 

Lost in a way that i’m confused and i’m not quite sure where i took the wrong turn and whether or not i ever read that “stop” sign or that “yield” sign. 

I was so busy changing and growing and trying to move on that i never really got to recollect on where i was moving on from, where and how far i have grown and if i really needed or wanted to change as much as i did.

In my 19 years that i have been living I have probably had to go through a lot of shit the past 2 years and a lot of growing up. 

Being able to go out with my friends and get drunk doesn't seem as fun to me anymore as it was a couple years ago. Or just partying in general. Not saying I outgrew that side of me but i think I'm at a point in my life that being alone or rather sitting in silence watching Netflix with my friends seems more pleasing to me then getting drunk and getting a hang over the next morning. Again though sometimes that’s all I want to do you know?

It also sucks not being able to tell anyone about how you feel or what’s going on with your day and instead just telling them the surface of everything. But in reality it’s not really all that black and white.

 Sucks when someone tells you to keep to yourself more because you confided in them so much that you almost became reliant on them. So you listened and backed off and started sharing less and started listening to everyone more trying to be the person who listened rather than talked and now you’re stuck between saying how you feel and being scared that they'll tell you again you're sharing too much or keeping to yourself like you always have and it eats you alive inside. You become so independent and so unreliant on anyone that when the time comes and you bottle everything up inside that you feel as though now you have no one to talk to. 

The problem with everyone is that they're either too concerned with someone else’s life or not the right amount of concerned as they should be. It has come to my attention that lately i haven't been sharing much with my friends and now they have been starting to see some distance and now they start to realize that they only know the surface and if anyone were to ask them “how’s khris?” they really wouldnt know how to answer it. 

I’ve come to terms that not everyone will ever be as down for you as you are for them and not everyone has the same heart as you but isn't it funny that they start to care more when they no longer know whats up with you or when they said to stop sharing less that you actually do. 

It’s also starting to become frustrating realizing that i cannot connect with anyone as much as i connected with my mom. or not being able to hear her clarification that she's proud of what i’m doing. I know she probably is but wanting to hear her voice say it is something completely different. 

I really don't talk about her as much but she is pretty much always on my mind 24/7 and it sucks not being able to tell my friends that i’m hurting or tell my friends that sometimes i never wana open my eyes because i only see her in my dreams. But i do it anyways because i know how much of a touchy subject it is for me and i know that whoever i’m with i know that the mood will just be brought down by me and i’m all about making people happy. 

I’ve learned to keep to myself more by other people telling me to but now i don't know where to go or who to go to. I feel lost. 

I feel lost in my own mind and i know that might seem a little cheesy or a little sad but it’s the truth. There is so much going on in my head that i can't even categorize or even come to terms with half of it. 

I’ve gone through a lot of shit this summer that not everyone knows and I'm not even sure if people will ever know or ever care to hear about it or the way i feel. 

That’s why i have this blog. I will never know if anyone ever reads what i post but i know if someone out there is.. maybe they could have someone to relate to. 

I just wish i could get away for a weekend or even literally just a day where i didn't have to go on my phone and go somewhere in nature away from all the noise of cars beeping, people going to work and people talking and just sit in absolute silence hearing and seeing nature and over all being with some good ass company. And then if I'm ready open up to my friends about what is clouding my mind. I miss those deep conversations you have with someone. I feel like i haven't had one of those in years. 

But you what i always say no matter what to always stay up love bugs. We will always have our low days but the good ones can make up for it.

Stay positive.

[khrissbasamovement]

Soul Searching (September 2, 2016)

So as my first week of Sophomore Year of college comes to a close, I can't help but recollect my thoughts of this past summer. 

This past summer was also another hard and trying time for me and my family.. as you all know we had to move to a smaller rental and had to give up my house in order help pay for everything. It’s been a hard adjustment to say the least.. 

I feel trapped sometimes whenever i’m here and sometimes it’s probably the only place i’d rather be.. it’s a little mess of feelings i guess. I miss being able to be in my own house i guess the idea of this not being my house really is getting to me. I felt as though i was starting to lose a place i can call home. I mean i still do and it comes back from time to time when i least expect it. 

This summer i guess you can say i did a lot of growing up and soul searching. I found a part of myself that i didn't know existed. I saw perceptions and accepted many ideas that i probably wouldn't to begin with. I have become more open minded to things and ideas that i normally used to never care about. 

I began to become more open with myself. I worked on my self physically, mentally, and emotionally this summer. Yet i feel like being at school is stunting my full potential in a way that i can't seem to really describe.

I guess i’m also a little friend sick lol. Most of my close friends are away at college or we’re just too busy to see each other and i guess i’m going back to some of my old habits... but don't worry i’m surely going out of it. 

I guess i’m a little mom sick too.. every single time I'm in class i can just feel her being there like oh wow i remember when i used to that etc etc. 

My mood fluctuates with her sometimes the missing her is over powering and sometimes i don't feel it at all until i get home and lay down before bed. I’m usually good at hiding my feelings so if you’ve probably seen me in person recently you wouldn't think any of this would have crossed my mind this summer. 

One of the biggest lessons i’ve learned is that the opinion of others and their approval are not needed in order for you to be happy. At the end of the day no one ever wants to see you happier than them and thats what makes us all human. 

I have to cut this short but i just wanted to put something up i’m sure ill give my thoughts more time to recollect and have a better few of it since i have a nice 3 day weekend! 

Stay up love bugs. 

[khrissbasamovement]

Rocky (August 12, 2016)

so this post is mostly going to be about my dog. yesterday on the 11th i had to drive to Queens to drop off my dog with a new owner because the person i’m renting from didn't want dogs. 

It didn't say it in the contract but it was verbally said to my father. With that we had to give him up.

If most of you don’t know i had two dogs Rocky and Mikey and they were blood brothers. Mikey died a couple years ago due to diabetes he just wasn’t getting enough insulin that he needed in order to stay alive. So Rocky lost a brother. 

If you guys haven't known i just moved recently like in my last post 2 days ago i talked about having to move and briefly saying that i had to give up my dog. Rocky first moved into my childhood home the same time we did and when we moved out we had to give him up. Under the circumstances i know my dad wouldn't give up or even agree to buy this rental if he knew we couldn't bring Rocky but i guess the owners fucked us up there. If we had knowledge of the fact that they didn't favor or want us bringing a dog we could have worked something out but in terms of this major change we had to give up my dog. 

Yesterday when we brought him to the new owner he didn't bark he even let her hold him. We got updates of him and we were informed that he pretty much cried himself to sleep. Imagine how heart broken i was to hear that my little baby boy was crying wondering where we were. I try not to think into it to much with everything going on the past couple of years it seems to just be going down hill. 

Losing mom, losing the house, losing the dog I guess i feel like I'm losing every time i try to gain something good. But i’m trying to remain strong and think of the positives. 

I guess Rocky was just my ride or die you know i’ve had him since i was a kid and since i moved into my house that i thought id have him even when we gave up the house. but i guess we got screwed. 

These past couple days i’ve been holding a lot of shit in and to myself that if we’re being honest my friends only know the surface that has been going on and not really everything that i really want to say. Lately i’ve been holding a lot in. 

And it was brought to my attention that someone thought i relied on them so much and i didn't think for myself. Yet as i stated above i haven't told everyone how i felt entirely or everything that has been going on. I moved out of my childhood house without the help of anybody. I drove my dog to queens heartbroken and yet i still held it together. So for the person who thinks they know everything about me and everything that i have been going through a fuck you is in order lol. 

but that’s besides the point. 

I wish things were different and that i was in a place in my life that was better but i know i can only work my way up and never stay down here. 

Always strive to be better and do better in every aspect.

There are going to be people who aren't going to support you and bash you and be petty but at the end of the day if you’re just working on you and doing you they're the ones who should feel sorry because the only person they are arguing with or being petty to is themselves because you shouldn't care!

anyways stay up love bugs 

[khrissbasamovement]

moving out and moving on (August 10, 2016)

first things first i had previously wrote half of this on my blog but when i went back to my drafts it was not there… LOL Thanks Tumblr….. i was previously writing and going to post it on August 8th since i’ve been working on it since the 7th but all that happened so here’s to trying again!

On the 5th of this month was my bday as most of you know! And glad to say that i had a wonderful time celebrating i didn’t ask for any gifts this year but my friends decided to take me out anyways!

That morning my girl friends picked me up at we ordered out diner food and ended up at the hastings waterfront to eat breakfast! besides the huge amount of geese shit on the floor and the gusts of wind from time to time we all basically enjoyed our time together and really enjoyed the view.. Of course what’s a birthday without a little bit of ice cream! and off we went venturing hastings to find a cute little ice cream shop that my friend went to! it was absolutely cute it is called penny lick! so if any of you are ice cream addicts you should definitely make a stop if you’re in the neighborhood! In the midst of packing i was also trying to get ready to go to movie and a dinner with one of my friends. i was actually extremely stressed and was going to decide to call it off but he insisted it what my day and he wanted me to have a good one. The night comes and we’re at the Alamo where we watched Star Trek and had dinner (yes i’m a sucker for sci-fi movies!) After we drove around and listened to music as the wind was roaring as well as the car. Being able to relax and go for a drive has been one of my many pastimes but being the passenger was something i haven't done in a while since i got my car, Sasha. Overall it was a wonderful birthday. I didn't really ask for anything but everything i got I’m grateful for!

Well now that the fun part is over let’s get back to the reality of it all which is me moving from my childhood home. I always thought the day would come when i move out when i’m done with school or i guess more ready to move on from it. Lately i’ve been having a lot of trouble adjusting to the idea that my childhood home is no longer mine and that it will be filled with unfamiliar faces! It’s scary to think that one moment you’re a kid and the next you're moving out of your home just to try and pay the bills. If most of you can relate having just one parent is extremely hard and adjusting to that the wages aren't as much as they were with two people having an income is hard.

With this move it’s not more of a “what we want” it’s more of a sacrifice and a “what we need” my family has to do a lot of sacrificing this past year in order to keep up alive and keep us educated. We put our need of an education before the comfort in our own home. Instead we packed up our lives and moved them into a small rental compared to a house. This is to make sure that we all graduate with degrees and helping our dad back on his feet when we become successful. 

How do you say goodbye to a house that holds so many memories? At the end of the day it wasn’t just my family’s house it was everyones... everyone who has ever stepped foot in my house has created a memory. 

I remember the summer nights where we would all sit out on the porch and just talk about life and the most random beautiful things. The thoughts we had  in our heads. My home was everyone’s home.. i’m going to miss the endless birthday parties and the countless moments of absolute bliss and sorrow. Most of all i’ll never forget the beautiful view from my house of the sky that i often neglected and now i appreciate. I’ll never forget that beautiful black and yellow butterfly that flies around on the days i need it the most and i know that is you mom.

These past couple of days have been a hard adjustment for me and i’m still not quite sure where my head is at on the entire situation. i’ve been going back an forth totally pushing my feelings aside and it’s kinda all hitting me at once.

We have to give up my dog as well and everyone who knows me knows how much i love my dog so giving him away is also going to be a hard adjustment. 

Moving hasn't been easy but i’m forever grateful to still be in New York i guess i just wish i can move with my dog. I wish things were easier financially with my family. 

Something never fails and that is that i know that my mom is probably watching over us making sure it all goes smoothly!

I will keep you guys updated from time to time! 

Stay up love bugs! 

wishing you guys the best 

[khrissbasamovement]

July 31, 2016

i find myself writing later than usual. It is 11:30pm July 30th.. but I know this will take a while to write so i’m assuming it will be posted up when tomorrow comes.

Tomorrow comes.. a new day?

As this day comes to a close I had begun to realize that I'm working backwards. Looking and seeing and doing things that put me in a place where i don't want to be. 

Doing things that brought me to a bad place. 

I could just be over thinking it or I could just be stuck on replay. 

Either way i’m feeling a little more negative than positive. Some people bring out the worst in me and some people bring out the best. And there comes a time when enough is enough you know. You just can't stand the disrespect and the ignoring as if you weren't even there to begin with. 

You start to realize that the shit you were putting up with just because you cared and loved them so much is no longer worth it to you. 

I’m putting myself in a place I don't want to be at and it’s frustrating to think that I was so at the top of my game and now i’m at the bottom again. 

but life was never that easy and if it was I guess it wouldn't be as worth it. 

I’m stuck writing this without even getting my feelings out. Holding my anger and my sadness and my emotions away just so people don't see me as weak and vulnerable or people saying “oh the old khris is back again” but the thing is the old khris never left but the old khris has grown into the new khris and the new khris is trying so hard to be the person that she really and truly wants to be. 

I guess i’m just tired of people telling me “oh you haven't changed” or “oh theres that old khris peeking through again” 

because i don't want to be like that anymore. I don't like feeling as though my back is up against the wall just because people can’t believe that I am doing and will be doing better for myself. 

I need to become more distant and recollect on where I am and where I was and where i want to be in the following years. I need to come to terms that I don't need to put myself in situation where I may get hurt just because you love someone so much or care too much. 

Sometimes it’s time to let go of that. Let go of them to figure out who you are. 

I’m here sitting writing this because I have a lot on my mind. I’m trying to grow and develop into a better person but people keep bringing out and putting me back in a place where I no longer want to be but they continue to push me back there. 

I need to be better and do better. I need to find things that i love and love them I need to realize that just because you have so much history and memories with someone doesn't mean you have to erase them but sometimes that means that maybe you're better off with just the memories and not the actual person. 

Maybe you're better off you know..

coming to terms that I may no longer need a lot of people in my life scares me but yet excites me... 

I just gotta lay low for a while and I guess just be on my writing flow so you guys can see how i am even though you won't know the entire story you'll see some of the thoughts I have in my mind. 

I’m really happy that I have this blog though to help me write down my feelings. Although i’m not always on it I know some people may read it to keep up with me and others may not but I guess that’s all the same you know. 

You know when someone really is down for you or cares when they start seeing you become a little more distant in a way to them it makes you look like “you’re acting different” but in reality you’re acting in a way that no longer suits them

And that is what I learned. People miss you when you’re gone because they realize all the stuff you used to do for them and all the little texts and messages soon start to empty and now they’re no longer in your “recents” and that’s the moment people start missing you. And that’s the moment I should've never gave in a said “i miss you too” 

Never give in to the temptation of hitting them back up or texting them just because you miss that or you miss that comfort.. because it will all go around again full cycle and you’ll never realize where you went wrong until you’re back in the place where you started and never wanted to go back. 

Life is all about a cycle and a turning table that never stops. It can take you forward and it can take you backward and ultimately the choice is yours. 

Never look back even when the person who is pulling you back is the one person you care about the most... 

Good night love bugs and stay up...  

hopefully tomorrow will be a better day