kelseab

[kelseab]

it's hard to believe that you have a three year old — you really don't look a day past twenty one. sharks are probably the one thing i'm still a bit of a scaredy cat on. even if i have spent a lot of the time at the beach trying to destigmatize them as much as possible. i mean, i'd come... if you wanted me there. but i'm not one to push a boundary that's there if it's there.

I can't believe that a week from today, my baby boy will be three years old. Where the hell does the time go? Because it feels like just yesterday he was still growing in my belly and now suddenly he's three?! Anyway, Ender is going through a bit of a shark phase—not like the cute Baby Shark kind of shark phase. I'm talking more like a Jaws kind of shark phase. I take full responsibility since, he wandered into my bedroom when I was watching the movie and since then his obsession has begun. So if anyone wants to come to a Jaws party for a three year old next weekend, put your RSVP in now. @exposedfmstart

[kelseab]

have you really? oh my god, that's adorable. please tell me that there's video footage of that somewhere. a shame i'm just finding out about it, because i totally would've hooked her up with a 'fit straight from the video. no no, thank you for being a total goddess in that film and every other one you've been in. it's... you're a legend. i'll take second place to him, with joy. you guys get weekends where you're child-free often? hopefully you guys made the most of it, all loved up and having a great time. it was such a beautiful little mini-vacation, and that cruise ship... i can't be the only one who thought about hiding out in my room and riding it to its next destination, right?

Shut it, I've even made fans out of my girls. My oldest insisted on trying to perform If You Go Down for her talent show performance at school, it was quite the hit. Thank you for watching TDWP so much, I think the only person who may have you beat is John, but I'm appreciative nonetheless for the quick ushering into a friendship here. That's exactly how I feel - being child-free for a weekend, enjoying time by the water, it's right up my alley. I'm sure you appreciate the break from your busy and productive life, nobody asking you to sing unless it's karaoke. We have to enjoy these times while we can.

[kelseab]

i'm not... trying to do anything. it's easier if i say it was all on me, since it kinda feels like it was. australia and new zealand, that's so exciting. i'm really, really happy for you, c. every time i turn around it seems, you're somewhere doing something incredible, and there's no one who deserves it more than you. can't lie and say it's not weight off my shoulders, hearing you've been doing the same kinda things i have. you know i redownloaded twitter of all things to see what i could hear about you? twitter. that's... stupid, right? monopolized every second on that pool deck that i could. been awhile since i got to spend some quality time out in the sunshine doing nothing but just soaking it all in.

don't do that. it wasn't just on you or at least not completely. you don't have to shut up yourself either. i know it probably didn't seem like it but i do miss you, too. it's sucked going from how we were to me having to find out what you're doing from other people or articles online so you can fill me in on things. i'm not going to stop you. but yeah, everything's fine here. i'm on a little break from the tour right now so i've taken advantage of that, especially since things kick over to australia and new zealand next month. hard not to be enjoying things here. how about you? doing anything fun?

[kelseab]

oh god, not in the drink — just a dish of fried pickles and some dr. pepper to wash 'em down with. i could never dip them in and ruin a perfectly good soda like that. if you're brave, you'll have to try the coke marinade-glaze-thing for chicken someday. i'd never purposefully lead you astray. love, you'll never get any judgment from me. french fries dipped in ice cream is one of the best combos out there. especially dipped in soft serve. there's no comparison whatsoever.

Babes, why would you put such an atrocity in my brain. fried pickles in a drink!? Just seeing all the breading coming off. No thank you. I want nothing in my drink other than a lemon and ice. After our conversation I may not even want that anymore. If were confessing our weird food things, I definitely eat french fries and ice cream together. I won't judge you if you don't judge me.

[kelseab]

if you want to memorialize it in any way, i can get one of those little tiny trophies and have it engraved on there, really commemorate the occasion. a liar? you? never, sweets. you are, though, i never lie. except for that one time in third grade but that doesn't count, because doesn't everyone lie in elementary school. you're my favorite, too. seriously. you know how much i've missed my sabs time? that quota has been running dangerously low. hell yeah, i got you. friends share girl scout dealers. thin mints are the go-to — can't trust anyone who doesn't love a thin mint. oh my god, okay, so basically you melt a little chocolate, put a few drops of peppermint extract in there and stir, then you dip the ritz crackers in that and let 'em cool. is it the exact same? no, but it does in a pinch. new album's the new album, and i'm fuckin' stoked for it. been cooking for a bit and i'm happy with what i've got. your new album is all i can think about.

well, i'll simply never top that praise. this is very clearly the highlight of my career and i'll need a moment to recover. only, now you're making a liar of me because 'summer in human form' is actually the best comment i've ever received. i know i just said it was the two paws thing. but i was wrong. nobody has ever called me sunshine before. this is obviously why you're my favorite. fuck. that sounds so good. can you please use your girl scout hookup to get me some of those. but also some thin mints. then you'll be my extra favorite. although, i promise i'm not using you for your connections. what ritz cracker recipe is this? like, making them from scratch or? that's good, baby. i'm glad to hear it. how's the new album coming along? i saw your last insta post and i must say that sure was a tease. i cannot wait to hear it.

[kelseab]

i only went with it because i didn't know your middle name off the top of my head, felt like that packed a punch. listen, if it's my nickname for you, it's mine alone. if i hear an interviewer calling you that... it's game over. that, or i want royalty payments. produce is the only thing i don't want to budge on, but everything else is just too convenient to ignore. that's why you put in the replacements only you approve, and if they pick something else up, you deny that shit and get your money back. technology has advanced beyond like, the morse code. right? like, sorry i'm not rushing through the art of ice cream selection. some of us have taste. we need time, gotta let the ideas simmer and blossom into something beautiful. those who get it, do, and those who don't let their ice cream get mega freezer burn.

That's a new nickname, I have to say. Kinda surprised no one hasn't used it before, but it looks like it was meant to be invented by you for me. I know what Instacart is, I'm not a caveman who's been living under a rock. I just prefer picking my own groceries, especially when it comes to produce. The way you're selling it is very convincing with all of those perks. The only thing that worries me is what happens if the store is out of something I want or really need? What if the shopper doesn't get the right replacement? Or they get something that's completely different than what I wanted. Something like that is enough to ruin the entire experience all together. The ice cream section is a place that needs to be studied intently. You can't just choose between rocky road and chocolate chip cookie dough. You need to survey the options before making the best choice. It's a very serious and important decision.

[kelseab]

this is your world, babe, you pick and choose however you please. you know there won't be any complaints from me, so long as i'm on the receiving end of that love and never ending affection. what's your latest yarn desire? is the craft store telling you what you're up to? i'll be honest, i just gave that diamond art thing a try and as my craftiest of friends, i need to know what your thoughts on that happen to be. i miss the cats. especially mer. my true spirit animal. you only end up in jail if you get caught — do you truly have that little faith in me?

Those are so many titles. I don't possibly know what I'm going to do with them. DO I have to wear them all at once or can I pick and chose what I want to be and when? Sometimes I have a clear idea in what I want to make so I. know exactly what yarn to buy. And then sometimes I just let the craft store tell me what I need. It's a dangerous game to be playing. Even if the cats do try and play with them. Which is a mission in itself to stop it from happening. We're not going to commit arson. That sounds dangerous. I would not do well in jail.

[kelseab]

that's still a long time! whatever shuffle god had my back that day deserves the cold side to the pillow always. msg will always be a big deal, no matter how much time's passed. i think it's a hallmark of an incredible career — you're gonna keep on doin 'em too, if i'm any judge of anything. even if i become that random lady on the street throwing niall horan albums at people, it'll be a pleasure. of course! you enjoy yourself on the cruise, a lil' vacay in between shows?

Damn, guessing that's longer than how long I've been a fan of yours. I heard Peter Pan years ago when it came on shuffle one day, and I've been hooked ever since. It doesn't feel real at all. It was a big deal with the band back in the day, and that still doesn't feel real. I might be a little emotional during my speeches. Thank you, that means a lot to me.

[kelseab]

will you really? you're the sweetest, it's nothing but a pleasure keeping you in business, madam president. listen, i'll protect you from the babies — even though i'm sure they'd never do anything to their wonderful mama — you just post me up and tell me when you need me and dibs, my dog that counts as a plus one at all times, to roll in. that's so kind of you, thank you? i'm bouncing around the midwest doing some promo shows, gonna be at the iowa speedway in a few weeks. which i do not expect to you to come to at all, it's truly the middle of nowhere, but i'd love to have 'ya out.

So whenever I win my award I will dedicate it only to you for keeping me in a job. You're so sweet, I may need to make a room for you at my house when all of my kids are turning against me and keep you as my hype woman. I definitely listen to your music and love your voice. I would kill to be able to sing like you. Do you have any performances coming up soon we can check out?

[kelseab]

yeah, no, everything's okay, i guess... just feels weird, not talking to you every day. and with the cruise and everything, i really got to feeling the absence? and how much i miss you? even if i kind of made that problem for myself. shutting up about me now — how are you? how's tour been? i've seen some tiktoks and things and you're glowing. enjoying a break on the ship?

you’re allowed to feel however you want, kels.. and not that i’m not happy to hear from you but what brought this on? is everything okay?

[kelseab]

you being a fan of me feels very fake news behavior — especially since the feeling is reciprocated in spades, you don't even want to know how many times i've seen devil wears prada at this point — but we'll move swiftly along. rotting by the pool from mid-morning to dinnertime is the only way to do a cruise right. anyone who disagrees doesn't appreciate the finer things in life the way we do.

First order of business, @kelseab, is to grab a drink and lay by one of the pools with no intention on getting up. You in or are you in? We're glossing over the fact that I'm a huge fan of yours and jumping straight into the girls weekend vibes of it all.

[kelseab]

alrighty, roomie — what's our first order of business? frozen cocktails by the water? getting our adventure on? acquiring room service and finding trashy reality tv to indulge in? whatever you're game for, i'm there, too. / @svlenagcmez

[kelseab]

all the time. the backhanded compliments are the things that make me contemplate becoming a hermit, never leaving the house except to pick my doordash orders off the porch, and swearing off the human population forever. somebody's always got to be the buzzkill though, you know? and what do they get out of that? dunno, but it must be a miserable existence. me personally, those monsters scared the shit out of me. a quiet place turned into kelsea can't go to sleep place, real quicklike. honestly, i think the reaction i got to my last ep took me by surprise. it's a rare and beautiful thing when something you believe in so deeply meets that exact same reaction from the consumers of it. hope you had a good sunday and got all the socks your heart could ever desire. there's something about an eight-pack of those that just... hits different.

Ever been the subject of a reverse compliment? You know, something intended to be nice that's just kinda insulting in the process? Doing press for IF over the past couple of months, I wasn't surprised at the references made to A Quiet Place but I was a little startled by the reporter who felt it necessary to tell me that it was "good, but didn't scare [her] in the least." I mean, I always intended it as a story about family – even if not a family film – but she didn't at jump once at the monsters we worked so hard to perfect? Damn. Ever have a reaction to a project of yours that surprised you? If not, just tell me about your plans for tomorrow – if you have any. I'm personally looking forward to another colorful eight pack of socks from my girls. @exposedfmstart

[kelseab]

tiktok's a cursed place to be, babe. only time i want pickles with dr. pepper is if they're fried pickles and they're nowhere near being in that glass of pepper. he did not die for our sins to have such an atrocity committed. now... this is gonna sound bizarre, but hang with me for a minute. dipping a piece of fried chicken in a coca cola? damn. hits different.

Why is the most popular trending food and drinks everything with pickles?! I was on tik tok and people are creating a Dr. Pepper with Pickles at In-N-Out. Why is this popular?! I want to throw up thinking about pickles in my Dr. Pepper. @exposedfmstart

[kelseab]

... am i allowed to miss you? because i do. a lot. / @cfltcher

[kelseab]

i'm a religious drew barrymore show viewer, so when i say my heart melted seeing brisket, i do mean that quite literally. i've got one of those roommates myself; his name is dibs, and he still is not yet weaned off those early ass morning wake-ups. the trade off is he's a big ol' couch potato who is almost allergic to exercise aside from floating in the pool, so i guess i'll take what i can get. how is fatherhood treating you? aside from the fucked sleep schedule.

Do any of you go through phases in life where you enjoy waking up early and getting out just to get the body moving and then other days when you just want to sleep and do absolutely nothing? I'm currently going through the phase of wanting to sleep in but life just doesn't allow it. There's also this horrible roommate I have that has a wake up call of 5am and he just demands I wake up with him - how rude, right? Nah just kidding, he's my pup and I guess he has the right to wake me up so early. @exposedfm