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[keleighlyn]

Let go. OR- maybe no.

Driving in my car today, on the way to another doctor appointment, a good deal of negative thought was raining down on me. I, naturally <insert HUGE eye roll>, did the right thing to remind myself, “let go.” Let go of the self doubt. Let go of insecurities. Let go of the fear. You get the idea, it was A LOT.

Within that moment <insert head tilt> a thought RUPTURED in my consciousness! Maybe that is all wrong. Maybe instead of “let go” I should consider welcoming those thoughts, meditating on them, embracing them and allowing the negative thoughts to reveal a purpose. I know, I know! You are saying “ummmm yeah. Didn’t you know that?!?!”  Look M/rs. Snarky You, no, that had not occurred to me. First- I’m a hard learner, constantly the hard way. Second- I don’t know about you, but I’ve been sent a consistent, life long message of “push all negative thoughts away and replace with positive reinforcement.” And I’m not THAT old, little bit old. Oh never mind. Negative thoughts. lol Moving on....

Maybe it comes down to my not having enough positive stuff to crush the negative, but I have never really felt like the approach works. If I had another tool in the tool box, I think I may have utilized it. I have tried a few little tricks over the years, but nothing with lasting impact. So, instead of a full on “no” to letting go, I’m wondering if I can find a friend in acceptance? Which means I will have to invite her to the table. Acceptance has never been my bestie. Pretty sure I’ve told her to go fu@k her mother a thousand times. I don’t like her. I like control. This must tie in to an older/wiser thing. Dammit. The older I get the more I learn the less I know. Yup. The older I get the more I want to focus my energy on what is worthwhile, meaningful and wise. I guess that could leave space for things that don’t feel quite lovely or positive. I have had the most growth in my life during times of deep despair, loss, grief and tragedy; in every instance, another person was somewhere in that equation. This time, things don’t feel as obvious, internal dialogue is more subtle and there isn’t a clear crisis. There is only me.

o n l y me

So, today I just sit in the doubt, the ugliness, the apprehension, the fear and the sadness. I sit in the quiet looking for what they can reveal. Hoping to invite acceptance to join me. Cheers to growth (and wine, cheers! to wine).

[keleighlyn]

Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done- message in my February subscription box, Therabox 

I unboxed happiness

or a good start anyhow

[keleighlyn]

I’m not perfect. Can I be perfect for someone?!?!

[keleighlyn]

IF this is for you, go away. Or- go read my blog. Then, go away. lol

[keleighlyn]

Bits and Pieces

Well hello! With this being my very first blog post, I’m nervous and excited! My goal is to deepen my experience of life, to have a personal outlet for the thoughts and feelings I typically don’t share (I’ve not yet told anyone about my idea for blogging) and lastly, to leave this for my loved ones if they would choose to read it.

“Wanted: Friend for the end of the World” What does that mean? If I were reading that (and they weren’t my words), I would wonder. Probably not for long; between memory problems and a short attention span, I wouldn’t remember that I found that curious. “Keleigh- find that out, read more, don’t forget. Sounds interesting (if I don’t say so myself lol).” For me, since I did write it, it means A LOT of things! And my blog should explain as we go along. I hope. The very basic explanation is I want more connection (friend(s)) as I move closer to the end of life. I also want my writings to have some humor as I talk about some challenges- skydiving, chronic illness, dating, relationships and all that fun. I want to talk about the impact illness has on my life in a detailed way. But know that I laugh at myself all the time, you should too! I expect this to be a rather personal experience for me. I hope it is one that I find to be positive, increases my growth and maybe even soothes my soul. I hope I learn new things here, get to know myself in a different way. Maybe you will be glad you got to know me too. We can do it together, until the end of the World (end of mine anyhow).

So, here is your invite to hang around for as long as you like, to come along on any part of my journey. All the hashtags I use will be part of my blogs. If not his one specifically, there is your reason to come back. lol Unless you’re mean. Mean people suck. Go away if that is you! 

The bits and pieces today- (I have a very difficult time talking about myself, yeah, this is a tough project):

I am college educated

I like animals

I am kind

I am, often, suicidal