keeperofallmasterofnothing

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

My heart hurts

I feel so alone. I miss him. 30 days till I move and I wish it was sooner. I’m tired of hearing how worthless and stupid I am. That’s the majority of what I hear. No one hugs me. No one touches me. No one asks how I am . I have to pay someone to talk to me. The person I love more than anything is spending time with someone else. That kills me. He was mine. I ruined it for nothing. I want him back. He made me so happy. Maybe I am all the things they say I am. How do I keep going? I feel sick

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

Enough

There are no words to describe this osin. Knowing they are touching someone the way they touch you.. I feel sick. Does she know he’s all I dream about? Does she know I’ve kissed every in ch him with my eyes closed and made a wish with each one. Does she know how many tears he’s brought to my eyes and wiped from my face. I love his family. I love his children. He’s not 1/2 the Roman I am. But she’s taking all of my heart. Why can’t I want someone else to drown my sorrow. But he’s all I want. So I sit. Picturing her kissing his lips. Thinking about him touching her and I feel sick. I did this. I caused it. I deserve these pictures in my head. I deserve this pain in my chest. I deserve to watch him love another. I deserve to suffer. So I need to sit in this heartache and lose it all over again with every thought.

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

I can’t watch him go

I can’t watch him go. Do I leave first so I don’t have to see it? I’m tired of it. There seems to be no end. No one really cares. Just obligated to ask. I don’t want her to find me. He will feel guilty and for sure follow through. But I can’t watch. No one is coming to save us. No one cares that we are hurting. There is no happy ending for me. I’m too old. I’m too damaged to be anyone’s forever. I’m a horrible mother. I let them end up like this. I’m the reason they suffer. I deserve all of the loneliness. I deserve the empty house. I deserve the silent phone. I deserve the funeral no one attends. I don’t even have enough people that care about me to have a funeral. How embarrassing .

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

Enough

There are no words to describe this osin. Knowing they are touching someone the way they touch you.. I feel sick. Does she know he’s all I dream about? Does she know I’ve kissed every in ch him with my eyes closed and made a wish with each one. Does she know how many tears he’s brought to my eyes and wiped from my face. I love his family. I love his children. He’s not 1/2 the Roman I am. But she’s taking all of my heart. Why can’t I want someone else to drown my sorrow. But he’s all I want. So I sit. Picturing her kissing his lips. Thinking about him touching her and I feel sick. I did this. I caused it. I deserve these pictures in my head. I deserve this pain in my chest. I deserve to watch him love another. I deserve to suffer. So I need to sit in this heartache and lose it all over again with every thought.

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

My heart hurts

I feel so alone. I miss him. 30 days till I move and I wish it was sooner. I’m tired of hearing how worthless and stupid I am. That’s the majority of what I hear. No one hugs me. No one touches me. No one asks how I am . I have to pay someone to talk to me. The person I love more than anything is spending time with someone else. That kills me. He was mine. I ruined it for nothing. I want him back. He made me so happy. Maybe I am all the things they say I am. How do I keep going? I feel sick

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

Numb

This seems to be the place now I go to spill all my feelings without fear of being judged. I can’t ever say I’ve felt pain like this that I’m feeling today. My throat hurts from crying. My lungs burn. My heart is bleeding and I don’t feel I have anywhere to go. How do you cope well when no one ever taught you? How do you pick yourself up when you’re so tired? Ive dealt with so much stress starting in the womb that I don’t know what peace feels like. I feel like my emotions are so overwhelming that no one will ever love me. Which is funny because my ex husband swears I have no emotions. If he only knew of the burning in my stomach. If he could only see the tears streaming down my cheeks when no one is looking. I had something amazing and I tried to walk away. I had someone who would have stood in fire for me and I wore his patience thin. How do I continue to be strong for everyone else when I’m crumbling inside. Im so afraid to be left by those I love that I push them until they walk away. Iam my own worst enemy. My heart hurts, my throat hurts, I’m alone.

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

My heart hurts

Today was the first time in so long I feel like I had hope. Like everything would be ok. That I would hold him again and this time never let go. I’d get my best friend back. Now all I feel is sadness and pain. I want happy ever after. I want the fairytale. I want to feel alive again. I want to feel my heart smile again. I feel sick.

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

I can’t

I can’t breathe. He’s all I want. I miss him

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

Do you know? Do you know what it’s like to have no one? No one you trust, no one you can talk to? Do you know what it’s like to want to be seen? Really be seen. Do you know what it’s like to be so terrified of being let down, you don’t let many get close to you? Do you know what it’s like to sob quietly so that you don’t wake anyone? Do you know what it’s like to fall to your knees in the shower and wish to God you had never been born? Do you know what it’s like to lose the only person you have ever loved? The only person you could feel every cell in your body vibrate when they kissed you. Do you know what it’s like to hurt and let go of the one person in your life you can’t live without? Do you know what it’s like to feel your heart breaking inside of your chest and know there is nothing you can do about the pain? Do you know what it’s like to know that another woman is touching and kissing all that your heart desires and can’t have? Do you know what it’s like to sleep with your head on their chest and listen to their heartbeat knowing those beats are only yours and that no one else will ever hear them? Do you know what it’s like to look in someone’s eyes and feel the breath leave your lungs because you can’t believe you could love someone as much as you love them? Do you know what it’s like to kiss someone so deeply that when you open your eyes, for a few seconds you can’t see? Do you know what it’s like knowing you walked away from the laugh that calmed your heart, the eyes that saw your soul, the hand that made you feel safe, the one person you have dreamed of your whole life? Because you have a child that needs you and that responsibility does not allow you to keep your one true love? I do.

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

Do you know? Do you know what it’s like to have no one? No one you trust, no one you can talk to? Do you know what it’s like to want to be seen? Really be seen. Do you know what it’s like to be so terrified of being let down, you don’t let many get close to you? Do you know what it’s like to sob quietly so that you don’t wake anyone? Do you know what it’s like to fall to your knees in the shower and wish to God you had never been born? Do you know what it’s like to lose the only person you have ever loved? The only person you could feel every cell in your body vibrate when they kissed you. Do you know what it’s like to hurt and let go of the one person in your life you can’t live without? Do you know what it’s like to feel your heart breaking inside of your chest and know there is nothing you can do about the pain? Do you know what it’s like to know that another woman is touching and kissing all that your heart desires and can’t have? Do you know what it’s like to sleep with your head on their chest and listen to their heartbeat knowing those beats are only yours and that no one else will ever hear them? Do you know what it’s like to look in someone’s eyes and feel the breath leave your lungs because you can’t believe you could love someone as much as you love them? Do you know what it’s like to kiss someone so deeply that when you open your eyes, for a few seconds you can’t see? Do you know what it’s like knowing you walked away from the laugh that calmed your heart, the eyes that saw your soul, the hand that made you feel safe, the one person you have dreamed of your whole life? Because you have a child that needs you and that responsibility does not allow you to keep your one true love? I do.

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

🌍 Bora Bora | 📸 Pierre Lesage

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

Don’t trust anyone

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

[keeperofallmasterofnothing]

“How can I believe in love when I’m looking at you and you’re looking at her?

-Once a cheater, always a cheater.