kdt3al

[kdt3al]

2023 is going well.

2011 🐉🎱👓🙀📚🥾 2012 🐉🎮👓🙀📚🥾 2013 🎮👓🙀📚 2014 🏴‍☠️👓🙀📚 2015 🏴‍☠️ 2016 🏴‍☠️ 2017 🏴‍☠️ 2018 🏴‍☠️👼 2019 🏴‍☠️👼 2020 🏴‍☠️👼🐉📚🧷🎮 2021 🏴‍☠️📚🧷🎮 2022 🏴‍☠️👼🦊🐉📚🧷🎮👶 2023

[kdt3al]

“Can I have a day full of you.”

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[kdt3al]

I was masking for about 8 years, and then got a similarly mentally unstable friend I could be myself with.. I let the mask drop infront of my partner, and a few of my intrusive thoughts became louder and some won.. He's said if this is the real me, he doesn't want me. 👍 "why did you lead me on for so long?" because I knew you wouldn't love the "real me" no one ever does...

[kdt3al]

- d.j

[kdt3al]

I never expected to lose you.

[kdt3al]

My honesty landed me in trouble when I was a kid

I taught myself to keep quiet,

Leave it out or just lie.

They never wanted my honesty

They only wanted to punish me.

[kdt3al]

Walking to counselling. I just want to call you and hear your voice.

[kdt3al]

They host an annual talent show called "Extreme Teen Idol"

Concept: Merle opens up a YMCA-adjacent center for teens and calls it "Zone of Youth."

[kdt3al]

[kdt3al]

[kdt3al]

[kdt3al]

“I wanna hug u until we both feel okay.”

—

[kdt3al]

Confession - I'm a piece of shit.

TLDR: I was very depressed, got drunk and kissed a new friend. Partner called off our engagement because of it. I messaged this friend inappropriately and nearly destroyed mine and Partner's relationship because of it. I have no friends, and my depression is getting bad again.

I was engaged last year, but then I got drunk and kissed a friend. A few months later, I was messaging this friend inappropriately. My partner found out and told me to stop, but I continued. I'll admit, I loved the kind of attention I got from this guy. I hadn't had THAT kind of attention for a long time.

The way this guy LOOKED at me, I felt like I was the only person in the world. I've never had anyone look at me that way, making me feel so special.

My partner's giving me my last chance. I know I was lucky to have 1 more chance, let alone another one. My partner kicked me out of our house and said I couldn't come back until I'd said goodbye to my friend. I miss him. I keep wanting to tell him things that have happened during my day.

It's no excuse, I just want to give some of my thoughts on why I did what I did.

I've had maybe 2 friends since I left school nearly 10 years ago. I met A 4 years after I left school, and D about 8 years after I left school. I can no longer speak to D, as this was the friend. My partner had a few years without any close friends, but he's had A and Z for around 5 years now, as well as a few others he chats with regularly. A no longer wants to be my friend and has chosen to only be friends with Partner.

My partner's family are quite close, but mine are not. I don't see my family very often, and we don't talk much other than when we need to. My partner plays online games with his brothers every now and then and sees most of his family at work.

I had a baby in 2021, and I felt so alone. None of my family came to help me, and when they did visit they just wanted to see the baby. Partner's family didn't really visit either, his mum wanted to come around all the time, and even let herself in without asking or knocking.

I had 9 months off of work, in total. I was so bored at home alone, but my anxiety wouldn't let me go outside. (Partner resents me for not taking Baby outside more.) Eventually, A dragged me out of the house to go to a baby/toddler group with him. I enjoyed it, but then I was stuck going with A's partner. I didn't really get on with her, and I always felt like she didn't like me that much. That might've been my anxiety talking, but I didn't realise that at the time.

All the time I spent inside just me and Baby caused my depression to get worse and worse. I started having thoughts of hurting myself and realised I probably needed to talk to someone. I spoke to the Health Visitor, and they set me up an appointment to talk to someone about Post Partum Depression. I went through their assessment and was told I was fine. "You're a new mum, you'll be fine."

My depression got worse and worse. It only started to lift when I started talking to D. He seemed to know what I was going through depression-wise, and mental health-wise. I felt like I had someone I could talk to, I didn't feel like I could confide in my partner. How do you tell someone you love that you don't want to be here anymore?

I think I want some advice on what I should do?

I don't have any friends I can talk to, I'm trying to get in contact with some old friends from school but no one really seems to want to reconnect. It's always meeting for a coffee "someday" and then never hearing back. I've tried Bumble and Peanut to find new friends nearby, but people don't seem to reply on those apps very often.

I keep wanting to message D, I miss him as a friend. We'd play games on Steam together, go for walks, and have a laugh. I felt like I'd found a best friend finally after 10 years. We took things too far and I regret that drunken kiss that started it all. Partner wants us to have nothing to do with D ever again, he thinks D wanted to destroy our relationship and steal me away. I don't think that, but part of me wonders if maybe I wanted that in a way?

Partner wants to go through my phone regularly now, and I can't blame him. He says he can't trust me, I'm trying to earn his trust again. Neither of us is sure how to do that yet. He says he's single now but says he wants to work on the relationship, and he still wants sex and to "use" me. Partner told me A said, "You better not get back with her unless it's just for the sex."

I'm in counselling for my mental health, Partner says it's "too little, too late". Counsellor says I should write Partner a letter because actual face-to-face conversations spike my anxiety. Told Partner this, and he said "You can write one, but I might not read it or believe anything you write." He says he can't trust what I say anymore. My counsellor says I deserve to be happy, and that even though I don't feel like it now, things will get better. I hope that's true.

I miss having D as a friend. I want my family (Me, Partner, Baby) to stay together. I want my anxiety and depression to lighten. I want to be happy.

[kdt3al]

[kdt3al]

I dreamt of you last night. You said you were in a relationship with someone else, and my heart ached.

I want to see you again, I miss you.

Maybe I can someday. But that day is a lil far off.

[kdt3al]

[kdt3al]

james is always one motto away