kath-writesstuff

[kath-writesstuff]

There’s no place like here

The sun is out here in Melbourne again. 

I cherish it so much more here. It barely comes out, and when it does I just have to take the utmost advantage of it. 

I want to just bask in its glory.

I arrived here when it was winter. Spring has begun some time ago, but the sun is often still a bit too shy. 

I’m glad that we live in a house with a huge backyard, and I can just chill there and exist under the sun. But I can’t help but write about what I feel. 

Along with some healing music, and an empty mind, I feel euphoric right now. And I could not help but to tear up.

I remember just months ago, I was in a really dark place. I cried night and day. I can’t tell my mind to keep quiet without the help of alcohol. I told myself that if I were to rate that pain, it would be up around the range of 8 or 9. I don’t have a high pain tolerance. Pain is my biggest fear, and I want none of it. 

I’m not perfect. I struggle to keep grounded most of the time.

Whenever I’m worrying, having anxiety about my future, I try my best to stay present. That’s how I ground myself. I remind myself that existing right here, right now, is so much more than I could ever ask for. It’s a gift. I’m lucky to experience this life.

I’m grateful for the sun. My heart that’s beating. My body that works wonderfully to keep me going. Of course, happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared. I’m beyond grateful that I get to share all this with the one I love. 

There’s no place like home. And home is where I am present. Home is wherever I just am.

[kath-writesstuff]

Just do good. Good will do.

I have had many realizations lately that I know I will bring with me for the rest of my days, but one of the most important of them is this: it is enough to just be good.

I’ve always compared myself to other people; those who are better than me at the things I love doing. And believe me, the list goes on and on.

I’ve never been “best” at anything. I’ve always just been an achiever, the second choice, the one who’s picked last.

I don’t like playing games cause I know I wouldn’t be good at them anyway. I didn’t try being the best sibling cause I know that my younger brothers are ten folds better than me. I don’t want to stick my nose up the dictionary and use highfalutin words just to be called a great writer. I didn’t apply for better roles because I know other people are more deserving, talented, and just plain better than me.

I just want to be good, and do good. Do I really have to always be the best at it?

The Greats and The Good

There are already so many greats in the world. I’m gonna give them that. I know I can’t be that.

I love to write, so I’m gonna keep writing even though I may not be the best at it. I love writing cause I get to learn in the process, and appreciate what’s around me. And whether people like that or not is really the least of my concern.

We’re all not gonna fit on the first place post. There also needs to be people at the center, clapping, supporting, and making sure everybody is appreciated, to be seen.

The world needs listeners too, cause not everyone can talk at the same time. The world needs more lovers, it already has enough logicians. It can never have enough love.

I’m not saying one is better than the other. Not everything needs to be a competition.

There’s so much strength in softness, in vulnerability. Radical love, of anything and for anything, is one of the most beautiful thing one can give in this world.

[kath-writesstuff]

Keep on keeping on

The Universe has a funny way of tackling us down whenever we get too cocky and think that we know what's best for us. We often lose our minds in trying so hard to get something that we really desire.

Maybe, this is not a punishment but rather a blessing in disguise. Perhaps it's a way to put us on the path we're supposed to be on.

I find it hard to decide whether or not I should fight for something or just accept that it is not for me. But what I always do is I always give my all so that if all else fails, I will have no regrets. 

Whenever we’re in a moment of total downfall, we ask the heavens “why?” and become emotionally wrecked to the point that we lose all motivation to try again.

Time will pass and questions will be answered – or maybe they won’t. But one thing that I’ve learned is that: you don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward. 

Life is a long journey where you face mazes, traps, mountains to climb, oceans to swim, you may even run out of gas, but there will also be breathtaking views, glorious scenes, and many more moments when you’ll say that you made it and that it was all worth it.

You will scrape your knees but you will also feel the wind on your face and through your hair – you will get goosebumps. In all the right places. 

The falls, the failures, and the wrongs are mostly what makes us. The scratches and bruises make pretty skin ornaments that tell great stories. 

I've accepted that many things I badly wanted were not really meant for me. They now serve as beautiful lessons, and that's still a big win.

[kath-writesstuff]

It starts with self-love

I have been insecure about my body for the longest time.

I have been called “too thin.” People would point out my arms, my waist, and everything, and I have always been conscious about parts of me that are ‘not normal’ .

I used to always wear a jacket over my long-sleeved uniform back in high school because I was too afraid that people might again notice my figure and hear another one of their shitty comments.

They would then ask me why the heck would I wear a jacket despite it being a hundred degrees out. What they didn’t know was the real reason behind it is them.

I have heard it all, too many times to say the least.

“Kumakain ka ba?” (Do you even eat?)

“Kumain ka naman” (You should really eat)

“Grabe ang payat mo” (Wow, you’re so thin)

“Kumapit ka baka hanginin ka” (You might get blown away by the wind. Better hold on to something)

And so much more shitty observances from people whose opinions I did even not ask for, and need. As usual, I just smile it all off.

I have, for so long, lived off of what people say of me, and think of me.

Now, I see them and I think: why the hell did I let them do those things to me?

I was so encaged by their words that I wasn’t even being myself. I had so many people around me back then, but I always felt like I was in a small, tight box that limited my every move.

It took me a while to love myself. All of me. And when I finally did, it felt so good.

I felt so unbreakable once I stopped listening and caring about what other people (who do not even really matter) might say.

Once I started being myself and loving myself, genuine people started gravitating toward me. People who support me. People who love me. People who understand me (well, even if they don’t always do). People who trust me.

I did what I love. I found out what I want. I became who I wanted to be.

I do not show my body to be provocative. I do it to show myself how far I’ve come, how I can do anything I want, and how I could care less what others say because it feels good, and I am not stepping on anyone. I love my body. I love myself.

I have always dreamt of walking around in nothing but bikini (hahah) and once I did — I felt so, so good. I am crossing things off of my bucket list one by one – no matter how tiny or pointless those things in my list are. And I am beyond bliss.

What I’m saying is that: what I do is not for others. It is not so others could see my body. It is not so others could fantasize about my body. I do this for myself.

I finally, finally feel good about my body and I do not care about what others might say.

Thick thighs. Thigh gaps. Flabby arms. Arms that are like sticks. Muscly arms. Toned legs. Cellulites. Stretch marks. Abs. Flabs. Stomach flaps. Flat stomachs. Curvy. Small waist.

NoBODY is perfect. But believe me: everyBODY is beautiful.

Learn to love yourself, first. And believe me: you will feel better, at peace. You will feel unstoppable. And the rest will follow.

[kath-writesstuff]

On finding light

It had been a long day for me. I felt like the world suddenly decided to lay itself upon my shoulders. My whole body was aching.

I was losing hope in getting where I was supposed to be.

The time seemed to not be stopping. The fast turning of the clock’s hands mocked me.

There seemed to be nothing I can do to get out of the situation.

But then, I decided that while I am in this place why do I not make the best of it?

I looked around. I turned around. I saw lights moving and I looked for where it came from.

I saw the place I have always dreamt of being in.

I was lost but I was intended to be lost.

I was led by all the wrong turns to this place, this moment.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, I remembered a song saying lights will guide me home. 

I wanted to break down that day, but the lights I saw reminded me of the good. All the good.

Everything suddenly became peaceful. I felt heaps lighter.

“It takes certain amount of darkness to see the stars.”

Trust in the Universe. Trust in the magic.

[kath-writesstuff]

Maybe not all that ends is bad

We watched the sun go down.

Our bodies, tensed. Our minds, going out of our heads.

I couldn’t look at you. My vision was too foggy. My eyes were sore.

I walked away with my heart into pieces. “Talk to me”, you said. You followed me and you turned your back on the rest of the day you still have left behind.

My voice, shaking. My hands, trembling.

You brought me to a place where nobody knows us. We went to a place we were both new to. We were in a place where it was only you, me and the bay.

We have always been out of our minds. Our collision have caused some pretty big chaos.

We stood by the waters and rocks. We breathed in the smell of the sea. The cold conrete we sat on was almost as cold as the feelings that were between the two of us.

Still, words weren’t coming out right. We sat by the bay.

We both stared into oblivion.

The sea. The wind. The sun on our faces. We waited until the sun would come down so the people around won’t notice the war that was within us.

Your shoulders were wet from the salty waters from my eyes. Your eyes were red when you put your head back up.

We both watched the sun go down.

“Maybe we are like the sunset. Maybe our end would be just as beautiful as the sun setting then by the morning it would all be better, there would be a new chance for another start, there would be a brighter beginning.”

My heart wished it didn’t hear those words.

We watched the sun go down.

Maybe, not all that ends is bad.

[kath-writesstuff]

Stutters and stammers

I. My dog gets excited whenever I get home just like I never even left her in the first place. She stays awake just to wait for me no matter how late it is and covers me in her slobber even though at times I tend to ignore her.

II. What I’m pointing at is that the waves always come back kissing the shore no matter how many times it sends it away. III. They said that the flower gives its fragrance even to the hands that crushes it. IV.What I mean is that the sun does not stop shining even though the moon gets all the love and attention, even though it knows that the moon is nothing without its light. V. Adam and Eve still ate that forbidden fruit. Amelia Earhart went to the stars. Anne Frank didn’t know her words would change the world. VI. I don’t know when the day will come that my tears won’t fall whenever I watch that movie where the dog waited for its master to come home until that one day he won’t ever get to come back. Still, every single day he came back to the same spot where he would wait for his master to come back. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is. VII. I remembered when you told me that you keep asking yourself why do you even stay in the same place where all you get is tired and drained. You crack me up. I think I forgot to say, “I know what you mean.” VIII. Oh, yeah. My point is that is that I don’t think I would ever be able to completely articulate my thoughts into words. My tongue gets tied and I would always stammer and then my head will ache until it turns to tears and silence. IX. What I mean is that we don’t get to choose who and what will hurt us and break us and crush our every being. And oftentimes the things that shatter us are those that we would give the world to.

— What I’m trying to say is that I pick you as my poison

[kath-writesstuff]

You're trying. You're giving it your best. You're giving it your all - And that is enough. You are enough.

[kath-writesstuff]

For the rest of my days

As we were island hopping back in Zambales, the wind was hitting my face while we were riding through the waves. This is one of the moments that I'm convinced one thing is for certain -- this is something that I want to do until my last breath.

Every time I get to see a place that I once just dreamt about, I lose myself. I feel tears coming every time I set foot on a site that I used to only drool about in photographs. It seems so surreal that I have finally reached there and seen it so close.

Every time I see a mountain, all I can think about is how much I want to reach the top and see the view from up there. 

I always think to myself, “Yup, this is it. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is what I will live for.”

I would climb mountains even though my breathing is not really made for it. Somehow my stubborn heart just keeps yearning to see more, to go further.

In all honesty, traveling is one of the few things that make me feel good about myself. And every time I have a problem that may seem so heavy and big to me, everything in my mind disappears as I get to be a witness to things that are bigger than my problems, that is bigger than the world I live in, that is more freeing than the mind I am in.

It makes me feel pretty good for a girl who seems to have no idea what to do in this world, for someone who just can’t seem to get a grasp of this life.

I see mountains silhouetted past other mountains blanketed in green, I see the sea with shades of blue and green I could not even name, I see the sky that seems to always look different from place to place and all I really wanted to do is grasp it in my hands and my soul feels at peace.

I want to live for more moments that take my breath away. I want to live for more moments that make my heart race out of my chest. I want to live for more moments that make my head feel serene. I want to live off of my adrenaline to find tranquility.

This is what I want for the rest of my days. 

[kath-writesstuff]

On unlearning

A huge part of growing and learning is unlearning.

Change is the only thing that's constant. In order to adapt and transform, we need to be willing to unlearn.

Unlearn years and years of trauma. Unlearn the patterns that keep us inside our comfort zone. Unlearn toxic behaviors we've adapted in order to survive. Unlearn the thought that we should always just choose to do what's easier.

This is gonna bring up a lot of pain. But pain is, as cliché as it sounds, what's going to make us stronger. We need the pain to heal.

I have come across a video on gentle parenting. @LauraLove5514 has an unconventional way of raising her kids -- with love, respect, and positivity.

This concept is so foreign to me. Especially because I was raised and am used to a household that uses punishment and harsh discipline. Maybe most of us are.

Don't get me wrong - I like the way I was raised. It molded me into the person I am today. But it wouldn't be wrong to sometimes wish things were a little bit different. It would've been nice.

It would've been nice to be understood. It would've been nice to be given choices. It would've been nice to hear that the things I felt were valid instead of being called disrespectful. It would've been nice to be loved a little gentler. It would've been nice to be brought up with more positivity in my life.

I've survived all these years by holding on to so-called realistic views. I always try to expect and see the bad in things to ensure they don't hurt me - like it's human nature to just be evil and have ulterior motives. I always say I'm neither an optimist nor a pessimist; instead, I'm a realist. But ever since I realized that I am the creator of my own reality, I am, indeed, just a pessimist.

We grew up with so much negativity, toxic, fake, and evil around us that we fail to see that there are pure souls out there. People whose intentions are solely love and kindness. And if we can't find it in anyone, we can just be those ourselves.

I know that it's also just a generational curse. My grandparents were raised the way they were, so they raised our parents the way they learned. It wouldn't be right to blame anyone. No one really knows what they're doing; all of us are just trying to figure everything out. Every step of the way.

I choose to break that curse. I'm not gonna wait around for apologies. I'm not gonna stand around for corrections. I'll do it myself. Like I did most things.

In a way, I feel like I raised myself on my own. I surely didn't get any of this from my mom or dad.

I used to be so afraid of being a parent because my mom would tell me that she hopes to god that my kids aren't like me. But now I would be so honored if my kids grow up like me. I'm tough. I'm smart. I'm strong. I'm worthy. I am enough.

I am always learning. I am constantly unlearning. I am growing endlessly.