katdoesglue

[katdoesglue]

vent piece i guess

"Sometimes it hurts more to hang on than to let go."

A jagged, twisted spike, wrenched out of my heart, not (entirely) for the fact that he left. But for the fact that after those words he was gone. I did not get to say goodbye. I did not get closure after all these long years together. When I questioned, when I asked why, the response was; 'no reason, I just don't love you anymore'.

But isn't love a choice? Yes, there is passion, yes there is a deep connection with another when it comes to love, but that feeling will not always be there. It will not always be easy. And when it is not easy, when the passion isn't there, isn't love a choice?

Years of connection, of trials and tribulations (to use a cliched phrase) of intimacy, affection, of love. I had thought that meant... Something. To me it did. To me it does. But how can I know if it does, if it did, to him, or even to anyone? How can I tell myself I trust this person, I love this person, I need this person, without the constant fear of them leaving? Fear of abandonment, ironically, was something he was always afraid of, yet it is I who carries the burden now.

As emotions bleed out of me, drip, drip, drip onto the floor, I wonder. Why someone who loved me, someone I loved, would leave me like that. Without any form of closure. Moved on to someone new, he had said. Does that excuse the utter abandonment he committed upon me? Is a new door opening a valid reason to nail another one shut? My heart is empty, drained of the feelings I once felt for one I held so dear. But it will fill.

Life is not meant to be broken. I will recover. I will grow back, stronger perhaps because of this hardship. Do I wish this heartbreak happened? No. Would I wish it on anyone? No. No one deserves to be abandoned, no one deserves their trust to be betrayed by those they love most. But how can trust be betrayed if not by those we care for?

I do not wish harm on him. I do not wish him to suffer. I do not wish for him to experience what I have. All I wish for is for him to understand. Understand that his actions have consequences, on those he chooses to spend his life with. I love him. Part of me always will, as he has sparked a fire in me that cannot die, to quote Beau Taplin, but the awful truth is that he is not who I will get to spend my life with.

 With love, and always forever.

 Kat.