jxnkshop

[jxnkshop]

updates #5

I have a lot of stuff going on right now. I came out to my family, and finally started HRT :)

[jxnkshop]

updates #4

I started taking antidepressants again, because of the ME diagnosis. The doctor who has been monitoring my condition said that since I was diagnosed with depression when I was a teenager, I should continue to take antidepressants because there’s a big intersection between the two things. generally speaking I’ve been doing fine, compared to the last year. my mood is much better, and small tasks that used to be particularly hard for me, like making my bed, taking care of myself, etc had been easier.

Also my experience with my gender transition really changed my outlook I have on my own body. I always felt a bit disconnected with how I looked, and therefore how I acted and how I presented in social spaces. now it’s suddenly much more natural. i acknowledged that the frustrations i had with myself and my life are based on the fact that my body is not aligned with how my head operates, and now i can have a clearer perspective on how i would feel comfortable with myself. it’s not like i solved all the problems in my life, but at least i can see myself existing in a way that makes more sense in a near future.

i haven’t came out to my parents yet. i believe they are the only people that don’t know what i’m going through yet, since i have came out to everyone around me, except them. the thing is, i’m really afraid to do that. i’m afraid they won’t understand, or think that i’m crazy or whatever. it’s hard to communicate this feelings to people from theirs generation, since they have a lot of internalized transphobia still. i’m not even afraid that they would hurt me or something, cause in the long run i’m sure they will be supportive. but the truth hurts sometimes, and i’m scared of hurting them. i have no idea of how they will interpret this, nor what’s their opinion on HRT, nor what they understand of transgender people.

oh, I have adopted a kitten. i’ve named him Jazz. me and my partner found him abandoned in a parking lot. he must be 3 months or something, so he’s really young. i don’t know of I will have the condition to take care of another pet, but i wish he could stay. i’m looking for a house for him, anyways.

[jxnkshop]

updates #3

So my life has taken another turn. Through the last month I decided to come out to most of the people around me, asking them to refer to me with she/they and sharing openly how I always felt about gender, and I feel completely blessed cause this made me realize how open and respectful these people always were. My friends are giving all the support they can, and my bandmates too. Sometimes I get some misgender situations here and there but I personally don’t care that much cause I really trust that, like me, they’re also trying to reinterpret a lot of things in our relations now.

a few days ago my band released a few songs, and we had this huge party to celebrate. and my bandmates made me a cake with the 🏳️‍⚧️ colors in it :) this was one of the cutests things someone has ever done for me, and I couldn’t be more grateful to how amazing all those people I have in my life are.

I haven’t came out to my family yet tho, but I believe they will respect me. It’s just the scariest thing to do, and I haven’t thought of a good way of doing it yet. It will probably be the hardest step in my transition.

These last months were going great, but, as I said, last week my life took another turn. I have been feeling this weird pain in the back of my left eyeball sometimes, wich is odd but not something I was really worried about since I spend most of my day in front of screens, while i’m working. I pretty habituated with having sight issues, that usually are cured with time. But I decided to go to the emergency cause this pain became almost unbearable last wednesday. I spent the whole day in a room full of old people struggling with every kind of health issue, and some really rude nurses. (and I mean, really rude, which is terrible cause when you’re already struggling with physical pain the last thing you need is to be thrown in a stressful room full of other people struggling with pain and rude nurses). by the end of the evening I was finally attended by a neurologist who seemed a bit concerned with I was reporting. She made some quick tests and concluded that I would have to be hospitalized cause what I was reporting could be a symptom of something else. I spent the rest of the week there, doing all kinds of exams. I had to do more than 25 blood tests, so many that a big blot of clotted blood formed in my arm, and is still. Had two one-hour sessions of MRI, which was extremely hard for me, cause you need to be perfectly still for this kind of exam, and i’m an anxious girl. But the worse part was and exam called “lumbar puncture” aka the “spinal tap”. I won’t give much details but you can google it if you’re curious.

anyways, after 2 days in the hospital I received the diagnosis that was that I have multiple sclerosis. I haven’t really understood what are the consequences it will have in my life, from what i’ve read and the doctors told me it is a fairly irrelevant thing in daily life, except that I will have to take medicines every day. but the thought of having a desease that doesn’t have a cure is still a bit frightening.

my first fear was how it would affect my hrt, but from what I read online it won’t be an issue.

anyways, it’s been an tough, intense, overwhelming year so far. I’m still recovering from this week at the hospital, and I hope i’m ok to celebrate the holidays. yesterday I spoke to one of my best friends from high school, cause I wanted to come out to him and also vent about how I’m feeling since de ME diagnosis. he was very supportive of my transition and also said that I will probably be fine, since I’m known to have such a positive outlook on life, and being very resilient because of that. I thought that was really funny cause I never thought of me that way. I’ve struggled with a lot my whole life, and i’m always surprised with how I always managed to keep going forward, I mean, I have no idea how I do that most of the time. now I guess he is right. it has always been about facing it with a smile :)

[jxnkshop]

updates #2

yesterday I went to a concert with my partner and 2 women friends of ours, and I realized how comfortable I feel around women and performing femininity around women, compared to when I try to to mask around men. I mean, I can get along very easily performing masculinity since that’s what I’ve been doing for literally my whole life, but still it just feels more natural when I’m around women. suddenly I feel much freer to speak in certain ways, having certain manners and talking about certain subjects. I always felt much more connection with most of women, and because of the way I always had to deal with the masculinity I was imposed to live under, I always had some issues with that. in the sense that if I was feeling some kind of connection to a girl, in my head it probably meant I was in love or something, so it had always been a problem for me. when I was in middle school for a few years my best friends were all girls, but meanwhile I always felt very distant from them, because of the gender I presented, like, there were always this barrier.

still, I’m pretty happy having figured that out now. they probably don’t read me as a women, and they still treat me like >the fruity bi man friend that wears makeup<, but I haven’t talked about this to anyone but my partner, so it’s not their fault. but knowing what position I am in, and how I really want to express myself, has already done great for me. I’m looking forward to come out to them until the next year, and I believe my friends will understand it well. I just can’t wait to start HRT and to start dressing more feminine, and to pass, and to my friends use she/her pronouns with me and all the things that come along with that. right now all I want is just to know that what i’m feeling is valid, but i’m taking my time :)

[jxnkshop]

updates #1

This last weeks were a rollercoaster. To be fair i’m genuinely feeling better with my body now I understand where most of my insecurities come from, and I have the privilege of living in an environment where I have a certain freedom about it. I haven’t came out to my friends yet but I’ve been pushing barriers. I mean, I always had this defense mechanism whenever I felt social anxiety and felt insecure about my body, I just imagined I was being read as a cis woman by everyone around me. It was always a subconscious thing, and it happened mostly when I was really drunk. I play bass in a band, and suffer from stage fright a bit, so it’s a mechanism I use whenever I’m onstage too.

But since this became clear for me, that I really enjoy being read as a woman, it just reached the surface of my brain, and I have much more control over it, and realized that, for exemple, all the beauty standards I have settled for myself were feminine beauty standards and that is why I always hated my body. I used to paint my nails in middle school but got bullied for that. Also always wanted to dress in a feminine way (not too feminine tho cause I kinda like wearing baggy jeans and oversized shirts, but that’s another subject) and throughout my childhood and my teenage years I thought I was gay, or tried to closet myself around most cis men and heterosexual women, and this made feel very distant from a lot of people that could be potential friends.

I used to search about transitioning when I was a literal kid and lied to myself that I did it only for curiosity, and I remember an specific situation in which I read that the earlier someone transitioned more efficient it would be. That freaked me out for some reason, and yeah, now I know why.

My 23 birthday way yesterday, and sometimes I feel like I should have thought about it before. I mean, I had, but probably thought I would be able to hide it forever, and now I feel really dumb. as 100 gecs would say “i’m the dumbest girl alive”.

The first real song I have ever wrote I was 16, and I did it because my brother had a shoegaze band with a friend of ours, and neither of them knew how to write lyrics, so they invited me to play bass and be the lyricist or something. Now reading the lyrics of that first song I wrote for them I understand that it was always about being a trans person. I mean I feel really dumb rn for thinking I could ignore it, cause it was always so clear.

But nevertheless, right now I kinda feel like I walked big steps. I started to paint my nails again and my partner is helping me with makeup (they’re an amazing makeup artist omg). The city I live there is a big techno scene in which some of my friends are part of, and it’s a really comfortable space to wear makeup and dress more feminine, and I’m really enjoining it :) also there is an alternative rock scene in which my band is part of. It’s not the most trans inclusive people in the world but at least it’s not a big deal when i’m wearing makeup onstage. I believe music simply breaks a few barriers around gender expression, and I can be anyone I want onstage, since I play well.

I called my best friend this morning cause I think my next step is coming out to him, since he’s and important and reliable person. I said I had something really important to talk to him, but he lives in another city and doesn’t have plans to come back to our hometown in the next month. I wanted to talk to him in presence but since it won’t be possible it will probably happen through discord. It’s not the best for me but it’s the best way available. I’m kinda nervous but I’m pretty sure he will support me, so I’m looking forward to doing that.

[jxnkshop]

TW: body dismorphya, depression, gender dismorphya, suicidal ideation

i’ve been struggling with some things the last months or so. I’ve never felt so distant from my friends and family, and since covid, every year is worst than the last. I’ve dropped out of college a few times, and haven’t been able to find a stable job. sometimes I miss when I was in high school, cause everything felt so easy.

It has been tough to cope with how fast time is going, and sometimes it seems that nobody around me understand what I’m going through. When I was younger I thought that things would just get better, and I had this weird assurance that I would understand everything in time to start feeling ok about my body and my gender expression. I used to think about that pretty regularly, but I was always way too insecure to talk anyone about this.

I remember that anytime I felt that my future was haunting me or something I had this dark realization that if it was still a problem when I got older, I would just un4liv3 myself. now I got older, I still have all the insecurities I used to have as a kid, but it isn’t even an option to try and make anything about it, cause, as I said, I’ve never felt so distant from the people that used to care about me. Everybody is going through their own stuff.

A few of my friends are still the same I had growing up, and it feels so weird. I remember all of them when they were kids, we used to go to each others houses to watch movies and play RPGs. I used to see them everyday, I knew their families, and their pets. It fucking crushes my heart anytime I remember all those dogs are dead now, and that my parents and their parents are much older, and that my dog will die someday. Last month I went to one of those friends family house again after a few years and it’s so weird that it feels so familiar to me, but everything has changed. It’s like seeing an empty stage with the lights off, or a battlefield the morning after. so fucking weird. sometimes I feel like I’m living in a parallel universe, and there is a version of me somewhere that made the right decisions. This shit makes me think about the Butterfly Effect, that Ashton Kutcher movie.

Anyway, there’s probably a version of me somewhere that was born a girl, and also a version that started transitioning much younger than me. there may even be a version of me that is comfortable being a man. also there might be a timeline in which time froze in 2012, and I’m like a ghost walking in this frozen picture, all those cats and dogs alive, everyone younger, adventure time on the TV, smiles on our faces, coca-cola spilled on the floor, and I have time to think about my next move. I really wish things were better right now.

[jxnkshop]

first post on tumblr since I was like 16 (this feels like ages rn) so I’m kinda anxious about making it special for some reason

tbh it is actually special for me cause I finally came out as a trans girl to my gf. I’ve been dodging any thoughts about it for ages, and after one year of therapy and after a few years in trial and error loop in gender expression, it suddenly felt pretty easy. so I decided to create a new account here just for venting reasons.

so this is going to be a small bio

- I’m brazilian

- I grew up listening to the Beatles, and it holds a special place for me till this day. sometimes I feel silly for stanning to a 60s boyband but who cares, they’re still special for me.

- I’m completely obsessed with Twin Peaks, and anything David Lynch related. Actually I’m obsessed with anything film related, I love Kurosawa, Richard Linklater and Paul Thomas Anderson. My favorite musicians apart from the Beatles are The Clash, Mac Demarco, Weyes Blood, The Strokes, KGLW, Blur, Bob Dlyan, the Beastie Boys and Fugazi.

- my username is a reference to the 2009 Helvetia album, cause I’ve been listening to it a lot in the past few weeks. didn’t put a lot of thought into it tho.

- I was born in halloween 🎃 and also I’m left-handed.

- I love Adventure Time.

- my pronouns are whichever you feel comfortable calling me. I prefer she/her, but only my gf knows about that rn lol

- I was completely obsessed in MBTI when I was younger, and I’m an ISFP. I stopped trusting it after learning the reasons in was developed in the first place, but I still read about it sometimes.

- I’m thinking about starting HRT, but it is still just a vague option for me. From what I read about it it feels like a tough process and I’m still trying to decide if it will be a good idea rn. anyways, this page will be a diary on this process, and also a place where I can vent about random stuff :-)

feel free to comment or follow me, I guess.