justhere2write-blog

[justhere2write-blog]

Assembly required

I find it impossible to believe that there is one individual out there for me

One singular soul that could ever match what beats inside of me

A gentle drum of anxiety that leads me to question any source of prosperity

Dying inside of me

Is the person who can love someone else

Beckons for water in this dry spell

Can you spill the secrets for what it takes

To eliminate this sour taste I get whenever I think of someone lying in my bed

I think of you lying in my bed

So explain to me

Why when I finally found someone that ticked with my time and skipped beats while I rhymed

Slipped through my fingers when I held so tightly to their belief

That they were a savior in this drought

Perhaps I was wrong

That’s true

But if my heart still aches with every moment I wake

Don’t tell me it was a waste

Waste is something dirty and used

Waste is something you throw and wish would disappear

You were not waste

I find it impossible to believe that someone could look at me and believe the same

That I was worth the DIY project of collecting the pieces and making something new

I doubt someone could repair what resulted from you

But perhaps that’s it

I need only wait for someone with the right tools and mind to gather up what hangs on from tattered threads

To create what once was into what will be

Naive

Perhaps that’s what I choose to be

[justhere2write-blog]

The number 3

You once told me you were afraid of the number 3

How it correlates to a negative thought that taps on the back of your head while you’re doing mundane things that shouldn’t cause dread

You told me your fear was the number three but darling there is so much else it could mean

I love you

3 words now I know that would make me fear three but those words explode out of you like a child bursting for the first chance at affection

You throw those words like petals on the way to the alter

While I’m stuck wondering why three words could give me so much pain

Maybe I should fear three instead

3 is the amount of times you’d broke my heart

Truly and deeply that I wasn’t sure I could recover

Deceit betrayal and lies

Three words that I associate with your name

3 is the amount of times I kissed you on a Friday night

Where the poison in my mind over took any chance to recover

Shot down but I won’t stumble

3 was the amount of months it took me to finally realize you weren’t coming back

That “I hate you” is three words and I can’t deal with that

Your fear comes from a criminal minds episode where a murderer kills in threes

But

I think I have more of a reason to be afraid of threes because in the end it was your fear that killed me

Now I know for sure I’ll never trust someone again

3 times I’ve let someone love me and I’ve let them learn to hate me

3 people at the top of my list that betrayed every form of trust I had

3 strikes and you’re out

3 words

See you later

[justhere2write-blog]

If I could have a conversation with you;

I’d begin by telling you that I’ll never forgive you for what happened. How my skin boils and churns every night I lay awake thinking of everything that’s been. What was and what no longer is.

Rocky. That would describe the beginning of the end. Hushed voices and closed doors. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. But did you notice?

I remember my grades started slipping. I was skipping class and skipping meals. I was miserable. I remember doing anything I could not to be around.

I remember the fights. So many fights. I remember the last night I slept in the room. Earlier I was screamed at and told I was a piece of shit. I was a piece of shit. I am a piece of shit. I remember calling that boy who took me to dinner and a movie. He picked me up. I cried in his car. I cried in his room and he held me. I thought he was nice. While I was crying we kissed and I kissed him so hard that my lips would hurt more than my heart. I wanted to sleep with him. I really did. I almost did. But I got a text and asked him to bring me back. It wasn’t from you. But someone else who was concerned about my well being. Ironic.

I came home and no one would look at me. I was a ghost floating in my own space. You wouldn’t look at me. That hurt the most.

I remember I decided it was time. I was sick and tired of putting myself through that pain. I gave up. I’ll admit it. But so did you.

I moved out. I moved on.

I remember being told you didn’t care for me because I was gay. Questioned people to ask if they’d be okay. I remember that hurt me the most.

To know who I was as a person was the reason you strayed.

I’d tell you that my life has flourished.

My opportunities reach to the sky. I’d tell you I don’t really think much of you anymore. I don’t look across the room anymore. I don’t miss you anymore.

That’s only half the lie.

I’d tell you that I can never see you the way I once did. I could never love you or trust you. I’m not that stupid. I can never believe anything you say completely. That’s just how we are now.

I don’t trust people who can’t stand on their own feet. I can’t look at someone who can accept me.

I can’t forgive someone who had no right to hurt me.

And I hope after I said all of that, that I could stand up in leave. Calmly and surely. That way you know I mean what I say. I hope you’ll miss me more and more each day. Hate yourself for what you ruined. Hate yourself that you were so foolish.

That’s what I wish could be true.

But today someone told me you missed me.

I laid awake until 2am wishing I never knew. I wish I never knew you weren’t doing well without me.

I wish I never knew.

[justhere2write-blog]

[justhere2write-blog]

One word Beauty

You.

[justhere2write-blog]

Bruises

You've taken so many hits from the ones you have loved that bruises feel like kisses And those gentle caresses of a promise matched with the picket fenced smiles makes all the torture seem worth it for a moment But moments are fleeting and soon the past becomes their names Pockets full of torn and crumpled paper Loose change and mementos Strung together with the frayed strings of your sweatshirt Every piece of you rattles with the changing of the wind And I'm trying to catch the fireflies that break off from your light You claimed that by loving no one you could save yourself from the thunderstorms in your gut But your eyes continue to grow darker with the rain Maybe you were wrong all along Maybe I was foolish to believe But with waves crashing behind your eyelids and a storm behind a stare I know there's no were else I belong Maybe they should have left you in the stars Maybe that would have saved my heart From the havoc and doubt Maybe I didn't want to be saved And bruises were just kisses That you never meant to hurt me You only meant to love me

[justhere2write-blog]

[justhere2write-blog]

[justhere2write-blog]

I don't want to touch you.

I don't want to touch you I want to love you in every other form first To fall in love with you eyes from afar To become sick with how your canvas touches the light with the sunset on your shoulders I want to learn what you are before my senses take over learning your skin I want to feel the breeze touch me after caressing your face To hold my breath as you come closer I don't want to touch you At least not yet I want to know you completely before I get lost in your bed To watch your lips move when you talk feel the vibrations of your laugh on my soul I don't want to touch you That's far to easy I want to love you as a person on your own So I can be with you heart and soul I don't want to touch you Until I know you completely Until I know how the sun reflects off your face and how the moon turns your skin a silky white I want to know you So I can truly be with you

[justhere2write-blog]

[justhere2write-blog]

im afraid that im so full of emotion that i cannot distinguish the differences between my imagination and my reality.

[justhere2write-blog]

There is always time.

I keep telling myself that there will always be time to love Walking away is hard and turning my back on you stabs me in a cavern I've never known I keep telling myself because it's good for me and even better for you There will always be a time to love To fuck up and make up To scream I hate you and hold the outline of your jaw gentle in my hands I'll have time We'll have time So walking away isn't an end It's a journey I need to find what was taken from me in the dead of night To return the the holes in my body to full and capable pieces Because I can't love you when I can't find anything in myself worthy of that same care So I tell myself I can love you when I'm ready That you'll still be here Waiting Hand outstretched Ready to pull me in So I tell myself leaving isn't an end That turning my back isn't a promise I'm telling myself that what we are will defy all expectations That love is eternal And that I was right That you are my everything

[justhere2write-blog]

Winners circle.

I don't know what it is. Or how this feeling in my chest can continue. A gentle drum. Strumming the feelings I wish I never had into a chorus of whispers I should have said. I'm standing on a stage. Bright lights. Everything is electrified and I'm just searching for your eyes. The gentle tap on my temple reminds me that I can't settle. I can't allow for you to tug and pull on my heart strings. To pick me up only to drop me. I don't know what it is. Or how it begins and where it ends. I do know that I can't stop thinking of your lips on my skin and how your hair tickled the gentle part of me. I'm drowning in misery. Perhaps the conclusion of our talks. How open ended turned into never finished and finally we were nothing. I don't know what it is. Or why I'm stuck pick pocketing the master of time. Trying to discover the words I should have uttered. To unravel time and space. To make it no longer a race. But a winners circle. And that you're already there. That I'm no longer gone. That we're still singing the same song. The same tune. That your smile is directed at me and your eyes show me your dreams. I don't know what it is. Or what I'm waiting for. Better yet why I'm waiting. Pushing away any opportunity to leave. But i do know what this is. Why I'm still here. However I've uttered the words more times then my name. Perhaps it's your turn now. Maybe that's why I wait.

[justhere2write-blog]

I get lost in the memory of you Tracking a thought that lived in your heart I was once valuable But without you I'm falling apart

[justhere2write-blog]

Hauntings (CMK)

Im in need of someone to preform an exorcism on my heart because something is haunting these hallowed walls and I'm falling apart This house is cracking the paint chipped from the corners I swear i hear voices of those who came before Not only the chains rattle But I fall to my knees Something dead is trapped inside me and I can't recall which ghost is pulling the strings Memories live again in my heart Live to love again once more the pain once caused Trapped with the repetition of the blood chilling screams I swear I feel their breath on my neck I feel their presence even though they have long since left I'm haunted I'm being haunted by the memories and the souls who left me for another world I'm gasping I'm praying I'm begging you please Release me from this purgatory I'm swaying in an alleyway of hope Grasping the rough brick in hopes of cutting out their touch from my palms Falling to my knees in the filth of everything around I need someone to reach in side my chest Find the cavern that once held a treasure chest Full of love and hope and care Now it's crumpled, dry I need someone to pull out the dead thing inside I am a corpse only living by the hauntings Once you take them away I'm not sure what will be left But I know this feeling in my chest only causes me to be nostalgic And to think of how your fingertips were on my chest Red hot ambers ignite Release me from your haunting love tonight.

[justhere2write-blog]

If you ask me if I am in love, the answer is yes. The answer is absolutely, completely, definitely hell yes. I am in love with the way my hair looks after it’s been wind blown. I am in love with riding around with the windows down and blaring music. I am in love with laughing and with airports and airplanes and trains and subways and road trips. I am in love with sunshine and sunrises and sunsets and I am in love with the way my eyes have a gold line down the middle when the light hits them just right. I am in love with a hot shower after being cold outside and I am in love with the security my faith brings me. I am in love with wearing too much black or with not matching my socks. I am in love with puppies and I am in love with music, concerts, I am in love with the breeze off a river. I am in love with even numbers and with telling a story that makes someone remember me and I am in love with writing. I am in love with the idea that I will never not be in love with parts of myself or, eventually, all of myself. I am in love with humanity’s tendency to be decent and I am in love with the strength we all have inside of us and how we are able to make others feel so much or nothing at all. I am in love with the scent of cinnamon and with spring time. I am in love with the idea of traveling and meeting new people, indulging myself in new cultures, learning new languages. I am in love with being open-minded. I am in love. So if you ask me, my answer is yes. Hell yes.

[justhere2write-blog]

in between needing somebody and needing everybody to leave me alone.