justfirdinny

[justfirdinny]

Being born as a girl is one of the amazing thing that happen to me

By the time you start school, you're parents nag you about how hard it is to raise a girl, that i need to start learning to do domestic chores so that I won't be a burden to my future husband

By the time I had my first period, I realize how painful it is to be a girl. All those period cramps every month and a regular lecture about how to protect myself and how to be a good girl so that my parents have the face to show in front of neighbors, relatives, and colleagues

By the time I want to choose my major, I realize no matter how hard we thrive, it is us who are in second gender. Just take whichever easy they said, since I'm not gonna be the provider. But still, do your best

By the time I start getting comfortable with my major, I realize I don't really own myself. What's a dream gotta do to you? It won't change your life as much. Just do what your parents says, they know what's better, and you should be grateful because they raise you this whole time

By the time I graduate, I was told that I should be independent, making my own money but when your future husband told you to stay at home, you should obey him. But when I had a job that I like, alhough it's only enough to cover my own bill, everyone were on edge just because it is far from what they imagine

Still, being born as a girl is one of the amazing thing that happen to me.

[justfirdinny]

My friend did praise me the other day...

Not really praising tho, well it's kinda complicated to explain. So, I have manage several brand's social media and he went to me and said with (at least in my eyes) a hundred watt woth of power smile "din, aku fans no 1 padang aroma. Paling enak nasi campur ayam pop" and I can help but smile as wide as I can be without even worried about people who find it weird (I smile like a horse everytime I get excited, mind you). That day, I sleep with a smile plastered on my face.

Really, I really didn't know that something people might find it as a small talk, can give a huge impact to me. I mean, I'm not even the owner, but those words run through my ears and have been living in my mind ever since.

Well, those small moment makes me regret myself a little bit, I should've praise people a lot in any chance I got. I should've speak my mind whenever I like something because, really, I want people to feel what I feel that day. Starting now, I decided to throw sincere praise here and there. Hope I get the chance.

[justfirdinny]

How an unemployment affects me

Hi! Back at it again with me, after long long hiatus.

Okay, summary of my life, I graduated in 2020 during pandemic and I thought I will start a career right after that, but all humans do is hoping and expecting, right?

The song “you can’t always get what you want” was damn right.

I was unemployed.

For a little too long.

Two years.

I actually do some stuffs during that two year full of hell. 

I mean, I do some freelance thingy where I get the money I spent for useless thing, my parents said, and I took some classes too.

But you know, I live in an Asian household. 

The severe Asian one when the religious-cultural things are deeply rooted and patriarchy is highly appreciated. 

So, for them, I am just a useless unemployed person that always gets on their nerves.

Did I try? Seriously you have no idea.

For the first year, I even customize my cover letter and portfolio to match with the company.

I write, write, write all those written test although I don’t have any idea about the topics.

I mean who am I to know weird things like weton jawa or American football bet?

I do my research day and night just to produce one-page length of shitty article hoping to please the employer.

Yes, a little too pathetic I might say. 

If I want to describe my interest, I always relate it with reading, writing,

I always proud of my writings

Everyone know that I write and I enjoy writing.

Hell, my facebook page is full of my cringey writings from my junior high era if you want to check on it.

But after a long time trying to write, I’m sick of it.

Back then, I always proud of my self. A little too proud even.

Every time I finish writing I would say something to myself like “dude that’s so good, how do you end up with this combinations of words. This is witty and brilliant”

But after all those rejections, I started to think that this is just me full of my self and not really knowing the bigger things in real life.

I started to feel all insecure about myself.

I began to desperately need validation from others until God knows when.

So, how pandemic affect my life?

It’s not just hell, it is underworld.

Thank God I’m no longer living in it

p.s. I wont go details about that phase unless I want to cry and feel pathetic so here it is

[justfirdinny]

this is me, still trying

two years has passed.

after all those fiasco, empty feelings and fiction works I read to blind me from this shitty reality,

I am still standing still.

just standing, idle, not moving, not even an inch.

all those years I am standing, I learn, it is barely an achievement, it isn’t enough, it can’t get you anywhere

I need to crawl, I need to walk, I need to run, far, far away.

but every time I try to move, I feel like I am trapped in the four wall room.

no window, no door, no way out.

I need to break the wall, I know, I know better

but my arms just as weak, and it’s just myself inside.

all I can do is bang my fist and beg for an open air, 

but the walls thicker than I thought and seems like I did not deserve to see the colors.

so I sit.

nothing happened.

two years has passed.

I am floating.

I am in the middle of the ocean, floating.

all I can see is blue, blue, deep blue, water

I used to like that color but now I am sick of it

drifting for so long, my whole body gets weaker each day

it’s just about time I will drown, eventually

no safety jacket, no land on sight, no rescue ship.

and the clock is ticking, tick, tick, tick.

I can hear it in my head, in tune with my heavy breath.

two years has passed.

I remember having a short celebration and the next thing I know,

I was stranded in an unknown dessert,

for two years.

I wander around, all I see is sand up to the horizon.

sometime I just sit, thinking.

sometime I run, mistakenly see an oasis.

but for this past times,

I am not in the position where I can escape from a certain spot.

It is a quicksand.

silent, deadly.

no matter how I make effort, It does nothing

my hands reach to nothingness, 

my feet kick desperately just so more sand surround me, 

I crawl just to get pulled down.

so I stay still.

no clue of when will I be free.

two years has passed.

I did not start anything yet.

[justfirdinny]

#Day6: single and happy

Okay I don’t know where to start (as usual). I mean, it is correct that I’m single but I barely describe myself as ‘happy’ in this state. With a lot going on right now, I just feel, hmm what’s the word? Empty? Sort of, perhaps. But I can confirm that me being single has nothing to do with what I feel right now. Or... is it?

Okay let me start with ‘single’. I’ve been single for almost my entire life. I once had a boyfriend for like a year or so, I didn’t really count it. But yes I can say that I’ve been single for 20-ish years and that means I am a veteran. Of being single, of course. But does that matter? Does that affect my life? Not gonna lie, it affects my life. Having a boyfriend means I can rant to one person in the middle of the night without feeling guilty. Having a boyfriend means I can share what’s on my mind without being judged. If your boyfriend is the right person, of course. But having a boyfriend also caused you problems. Problems in plural form which means a lot of it. And yes, you also need to compromise with him/her. I mean if you love your spouse, it is not a big deal but still, at the end of the day sometimes I’m tired of it. 

Right this second, I am a single with no prospect of a boyfriend. Part of me thinks I’m just not quite enough for being with anybody and the other part thinks that no man around me is worth my loyalty and love. Yes, my insecurity and arrogance fight each other everyday in my consciousness. Sometimes people caught me talking to myself because of this. It is embarrassing and tiring at the same time. But yep that’s me and I’m trying to embrace it. 

Okay moving on to ‘happy’. Yes, I admit that I am certainly not happy at the moment. There’s a lot of rejection letters on my mail and the only job I can do right now is tutoring a kid which barely pays my bill. Yes I’m still under the same roof as my parents so they pay it all but I still need to buy my necessity on my own like toiletries, feminine products, skincare or snacks. And the worst part is I graduate with a very low GPA (based on my standard) and it freaks me because it is permanent. 40 years later when I look at my bachelor’s certificate, it is there, the low GPA is still written right there. In conclusion, the situation I am in right now is hell and no one feels happy when they’re in hell, aren’t they?

But if I have a boyfriend who stays by my side in this kind of situation, will I be happy? Judging from my previous experience, I think I’m still not happy. Yes it’s right that I have a person to talk to. We can find a solution together or I can just rant about how miserable I am all day and night but it does not change everything. I still have to through the hell I am in alone. I still need to fix things on my own. So, I think there is no correlation between being single and being happy. I mean you can experience both being single and happy at the same time. What I mean is, it is okay if you are single and desperate (okay that’s dark) or in a relationship and happy or whatever. 

Shit, whatever, I don’t know what I’m talking about. It is out of my league, so bye.

[justfirdinny]

#Day5: my parents

I think we all have a love-hate relationship with our parents. No matter how kind they are, for us, sometimes it’s not enough. What a rebellious I am for saying this but I believe we all have that kind of feeling. 

My parents are like any other typical Asian parent. No boyfriend until I leave the house, always eat with rice, never open for discussion, education first, demand their children to have a decent job (of course based on their opinion), and sometimes they hit their children when having arguments. Okay maybe there’s a slight difference. My parents don’t carry out their tradition as a Javanese. Instead, they are very strict when it comes to our faith, our religion. 

As their children, I sometimes do not understand their way of thinking. I always thought that they don’t really understand me as their children. I mean, they don’t even know what my favorite food is or how I behave toward certain things. They seem to have misunderstood me a lot. But yes, maybe it happens because I don’t really know what’s in their mind. Maybe there is a good enough reason behind it, maybe not. I don’t know.

As an Asian parent, my parents are very supportive about my education, financially. I know they are trying to give me mental support but at many times, they do it wrong. So I speak my mind, I don’t like it when they underestimate me, rant about my grades although I’ve worked day and night for that, or when they said that my dream job isn’t good enough and useless. But like typical Asian parents, they don’t listen, they think they are right because they live longer than I am. 

From time to time, I always put myself as the least liked kid among my sisters. I don’t know why but I think I did it because I don’t wanna get hurt. If I think like that, all the things that my parents did which I don’t like become more understandable: it is because they don’t like me. After years, that kinda thought isn’t weird anymore. Maybe some Asian kids also think like that.

But after years and years of thinking that I am the least liked, or unwanted kid, I don’t know why, my parents get soft. I don’t want to describe getting soft in what way because I was too emotional to type that but it’s a good thing for me.

Yes, after all, I have a love-hate relationship with my parents. I mean, what else can I do for that?

[justfirdinny]

#Day4: places I want to visit

I always describe myself as an indoor girl, as a home-based kid because even though I always rant about how similar my house is to hell, literally and metaphorically, I feel safe in it. When I’m in my house I magically don’t worry about all of my problems. I feel like I have all the time in the world so all I do is being lazy. That’s why when I want to go home, I need to finish my homework first. 

Besides, when I was a kid, my parents didn’t really have money to bring me to see places, so most of my life, I waste it in my own house. And yes, I like being in a familiar place. So that’s it. I'm a nerd.

If someone ever asks my younger self: “which place would you like to go?” I probably will give him a list like Disneyland, Safari Park, Sea World, or even Taman Ismail Marzuki where I can watch Musikal Laskar Pelangi there. Well, I have to admit that I still want to go to those places but I’m not that desperate. If I want to go there, so be it, someday I will. 

So, what place do I really want to visit? At this age, I just wanna go to a place that is safe for me. A place where I can really be myself, doing what I really want to do, and surround myself with people who really know me. 

Where is that place, exactly? I don’t know. I haven’t found it yet. But yeah, just like I said before, someday I will find it and live in it.

But yes, a trip to UK and Netherlands or watching Broadway in New York City will do fine. in case I never found that place. 

[justfirdinny]

#Day3: a memory

I actually don’t have any idea how to start this (as usual) because living this life for like 22 years, I have so many memories that I want to keep in mind. Seriously if I could ‘take’ my memory and save that so I can review it through Pensieve, I presumably will have a big shelf full of bottles filled with silvery substance. Okay, fun fact: I am obsessed with Harry Potter. 

Okay, let me start with the fresh one, the one which happened when I was an English Linguistics student. During like half of the total years of being a university student, I feel a little left behind because all of my best pals take different specializations from me. They all took Literature while me, I took Linguistics. At first it was no big deal, I used to be alone before so I’m sure I can through this (wow exaggerating like always). But seeing them hanging out together, walking to campus together, eating lunch together, all without me, I couldn’t help but be sad.

However, in our senior year, 7th semester, I don’t know where it starts but then we share the same routine every Wednesday evening until Thursday morning. Yes, we do sleepovers almost every week on the same day. 

Before we go to the base camp aka Dewi’s house, we usually get some snacks from street vendors or the nearest mini market. Every night, we do nothing but gossiping over unimportant things, laughing at some lame jokes, delivery ordering some food or coffee, playing Uno card, eating, gossiping, eating again until dawn. But that’s the fun part. 

Every week I always look forward to that moment even though I had to sleep very late and wake up very early while my friends are still sleeping because I have morning class (I was envious of them back then). Being with people who understand you makes you find comfort. I can talk as dirty as it's gonna be and I can be who I really am. That’s why sleepover or dorm room hijacking is my favorite memory of being a university student. 

If it is possible, I would do everything to experience that kind of joy again. 

[justfirdinny]

#Day2: things that make me happy

Disclaimer: I know nothing about myself, thus, I don’t really know what makes me happy, but I’ll try my best for this.

I mean I always look happy. I always find a way to hum my favorite song on the way to campus when the sun shines too bright. I also find myself dancing alone in my room to express my excitement about something when no one is watching. I am always thrilled about everything. Most importantly, I never ask myself “am I really happy?” so I guess I never doubted what I felt. Okay this is too long and confusing for an introduction so here’s the list:

1. Food. I know I am a very picky eater. I don’t like spicy, I don’t like garlic, I don’t like any unnecessary greens on my food like spring onion or celery. Basically I don’t like a bunch of food ingredients. However, if I ever like something, I will be eager to re-taste it. I feel content when my tummy is full after eating something delicious. Besides, I digest food like there’s no tomorrow, I don’t know why, don’t ask me. 

2. Musicals. Basically I love theater (as an audience, of course). I can be really quiet when I watch someone perform live. You know I’m kinda hyperactive but when I watched a performance, a good one, I was so amazed that I held my breath and started to cry. Okay that’s kinda hyperbolic, bear with me. However, I can be super impressed if the actors sing. I mean like if you can perform live, narrate every line, act, dance, and also sing all flawlessly for like two hours or so that’s A TALENT isn’t it? But since I am broke and live faaaar away from the city, the musicals I can watch are limited. Basically anything with the movie format, or series. I remember back then when I was in middle school, I was so obsessed with Glee. I mean, it’s obviously not a PG 7+ kinda series like the one we can find in Disney Channel or Nickelodeon, but who cares. Besides I didn’t speak English back then so it’s kinda a waste of time watching the entire series without knowing anything. But I feel very pleased when they sing. I love it when they start to open their mouth and produce a very beautiful sound. I am kinda embarrassed to share this but I’m a freak that I search every musical bootleg on YouTube. I was so happy to watch Heathers, Mean Girls and some clips of Jagged Little Pill and Dear Evan Hansen even if it feels like watching a 3gp video that my friends in middle school used to watch together. Now that I can watch Hamilton, Newsies, Carrie and also Grease, I know I am beyond blessed. I remember the first time I watched Hamilton, I cried during a lot of numbers and I got goosebumps every time the ensemble sang together in harmony. If reincarnation ever existed I would be happy to be reborn in a wealthy family in New York city, so that I can watch Broadway everyday. Okay, back to reality. Now, I am saving every cent I get and applying to every job that is suitable for me (yes I’m unemployed at the moment, that’s why I have time writing this shit) so that I can at least watch musicals in Jakarta or even Singapore. 

3. Reading a book, of course a good one. When I was a kid, my family couldn't afford poshy entertainment, even for a family trip, so the only entertainment I got was by reading a book and letting my imagination take control. It’s like a habit for me to keep reading books whenever I have free time. I even was a local library loyal member, I borrowed two books a week. One time, I already read all the kid-safe books I found in the library so I ended up borrowing an adult novel which has a beautiful cover. I remember the color is as blue as the sky, there are some clouds in it and a big white angel's wing in the center. Turns out it was so inappropriate to read for a kid because the main character is a girl who reincarnated and become a so-called sex slave in both of her existences. I don’t know why I keep reading that even if it’s inappropriate but yes, my mother finally found out. So here goes my library membership card, bye. But after many many inappropriate books I read that disgust me, I still find happiness when I read a book, the appropriate and good one, I suppose . When I read, I pour myself into the plot so that I feel connected with every of the characters. I always feel emotional reading page by page, guessing what will happen next. And the funny part is, I have the so-called emo phase. It happens when I finish reading a story. It can last for months and if the ending isn’t that happy or there is one character that must die during the development of the story, it makes me stay up at night, cry, and think why the writer did this to me. However, after a lot of tears at night and daydreaming, I can read another story just fine.

4. It makes me happy when someone knows me too well. I mean, it takes time and effort to get to know me so whenever someone recognizes my habit or can guess my favorite food right, my eyes will be teary. I always know I’m a lot to handle, so, every time people, even if they are my family, do me wrong, I am fine. Disappointed but okay. So, it’s a pleasure to know that there is actually a person who knows a little detail about me. 

I think that’s all for now. You know, my mood changes like a roller coaster so sometimes when something makes me happy, that something also makes me sad a month later. Like I said, I know nothing about myself. Cheerio

.

p.s. I’ve warned u before, sorry for the bad grammars, I’m just too lazy to double check it

[justfirdinny]

#Day1: describe my personalities

“Hello, I’m Firdinny Hapsari, student number 106 and I’m here to present about…”

That is my go-to line when I’m about to share my work back when I was in uni (yes, I’m officially unemployed right now but that’s not my point), but I know I can’t go for that one this time.

Honestly, I don’t know where to start because there is nothing on the table. I completely know nothing about my own self. Funny, isn’t it?

I mean, I always know I have such high consistency about everything. I am a loyal person. For example when I go to McDonald's, my go to sandwich will always be a cheeseburger or when I want to order beverages from Cincau Station, it will always be Gurin, from the first time I place an order until now. 

But sometime, when I can’t sleep at night, I think it’s not about how loyal I am to the specific menu. I think I am just a coward who is not ready to face any changes. Deep down in my heart I know I live such boring life but I always find a way to stick with it. Yes, it’s not about high consistency, I just love being in my comfort zone. That’s pathetic, I know, but I can’t help it.

Sometimes, I also picture myself as a people pleaser. I always try so hard to make people happy or at least not mad at me. I always rate 5 stars to any of my ojol drivers even if they tricked me. I also find myself saying ‘yes’ when the kid I tutor asks for my new highlighter. I still regret it but if that’s ever happen again, I know I would still saying ‘yes’

It’s kinda contradictory because I am kinda like everybody’s enemy. I always find myself talking nonsense and sometimes it hurts other people's feelings, of course I didn’t mean that. I also don’t have so called control of my emotions so either I cry a lot or I’m angry at everything. I realize this just when I go to Banyuwangi for 25 days with a bunch of strangers. I know they hate me back then judging from the way they treated me. Yes, I know some of them are quite nice to me but I can confirm that the majority of those strangers don’t want to deal with me after that 25 days.

Even if I am kinda loud, I am very bad at public speaking. I look like an idiot whenever I present something and no one backs me up. That one time when I defended my thesis, I ended up saying yes to every suggestion my lecturer gave without even arguing that I was right and already writing that down on my thesis. I am not proud of myself for that but that’s me. I’m still working on that, and even if I still end up agreeing with my opposing party, I’m not making a goo goo gaga sound anymore. For me, that’s an improvement.

Yes, everybody says I’m loud. I myself think I am loud, but only when my friends are around. When I am alone, I totally shut and barely even make a noticeable move. On the other word, I am a loser. Sometimes, I get so jealous of my friends because they always speak their minds. I really wanna stand up for myself, but I really can’t do that if no one backs me up. Yes, I know, I need some improvements for this, I’m on it. 

Okay, I don’t know what else to think. Basically I just describe myself as a loser in many different contexts. Like I said, I know nothing about myself and right now I think I’m a loser. Hmm maybe I’m just an unskilled human being. I don’t know.

.

p.s. sorry for bad grammars, I’m too lazy to double check it

[justfirdinny]

Mister Mi Ayam

Di tempat magangku, ada bapak-bapak jualan mi ayam keliling yang ramaaaah banget.

We have no idea what his name is,

Tapi kita biasa manggil beliau Mister mi ayam

Why?

Karena tiap kali ngomong sama kita, beliau menggunakan bahasa inggris.

Yes, we are all agree that actually his english skill is not that good.

But he get a straight A for trying, hehe.

Tiap sore, pasti Mister mi ayam ngetuk pintu kantor kita sambil ngomong:

"excuse me, looking for order"

Pernah suatu hari, ketika beliau nganterin orderan teman magangku, dia tiba-tiba nyapa:

"Bonjour, ca va bién?"

Mungkin sadar kita semua gak ngeh, beliau menambahkan "oh, that's french, yes"

Kaget, pasti lah ehehe.

Setelah beberapa bién dan merci kami ucapkan, beliau pamit sambil membawa nampan alumunium yang biasa ia bawa.

Pulang magang, aku merenung (cie)

Aku yang punya banyak resource untuk belajar berbagai hal baru aja kok masih bisa ngeluh susah terus gampang menyerah?

Jadi, untuk aku sendiri dan yang mungkin kenal Mister mi ayam,

Belajarlah dari beliau.

Bukan hanya dari keramahannya dan sifat pantang menyerahnya menawarkan dagangannya,

Tapi juga sikap selalu ingin belajar hal baru.

Aku yakin, beliau pasti belajar bahasa inggris dan perancis dari pegawai sekitar kantor magangku.

Aku juga yakin, beliau tanpa merasa malu belajar dari anak-anak muda yang umurnya jauh dibawah beliau.

Dari beliau, aku belajar bahwa belajar bisa dari mana aja,

Asal kita bersungguh-sungguh dan gak malu belajar dari orang lain.

Makasih ya, Mister mi ayam!

.

P.s. gara-gara beliau juga, aku berencana les bahasa perancis atau nggak bahasa jerman hehe gamau kalah:(

P.s.s. random ya huhu ditulisnya subuh subuh banget gatau kenapa

[justfirdinny]

Stress

A long long time ago, on my second semester of uni to be exact, I wrote an article about how to overcome stress.

In my article, it is quite easy to overcome.

Cuman sekedar, makan makanan sehat, olahraga, jangan lupa liburan,

Sesederhana itu.

Sesederhana itu pikiranku mengenai stress di masa-masa stress free ku.

Now I know

Thaat article is bullshit.

Ternyata stress tidak sesederhana itu.

Triggernya, healingnya, coping mechanismnya

If I had a chance to meet the old me at a time when I wrote that article,

I will tell the old me to change the topic to another one,

The one which more make sense than that shitty shit.

Sama kan kayak manusia-manusia kebanyakan.

Sometime people make effort trying to criticize something they don't know about.

Ketika ada masalah yang sebenarnya out of their concern,

Mereka berlomba-lomba menganalisis, sibuk mengomentari sana sini.

"Harusnya kamu kayak gini"

"Kok kamu kayak gitu si"

Babbling, without knowing what's truly inside.

Just like the iceberg thing,

Yang mereka tahu cuman sekedar permukaannya yang gak seberapa.

Dalemnya?

You'll never know.

Instead of judging them,

Compromise with them.

Be there for them.

Sometime some people only need a pair of ears to listen to their shits.

And your judgement is invalid until you walk on their shoes.

.

P.s seperti biasa tidak nyambung karena dibikinnya jam 1 malem banget but you get this, rite?

[justfirdinny]

First time

Aku terbiasa memiliki tingkat kepercayaan diri yang rendah.

Tiap-tiap keputusanku selalu diliputi dengan keraguan yang besar.

“aku bisa tidak ya?”

“nanti jika terjadi sesuatu bagaimana?”

Pada akhirnya aku akan memutuskan sesuatu hal lebih karena terpaksa atau terdesak, bukan karena memang aku yakin bisa melakukannya.

Mengalah pada rentang waktu yang semakin menipis.

Tapi akhir-akhir ini, berbagai kesempatan berdatangan.

Mesempatanku untuk berkembang,

Kesempatanku untuk membuktikan diri bahwa aku bisa mengalahkan sifat jelekku yang satu itu.

Kesempatanku untuk melakukan hal hal yang tak pernah aku bayangkan sebelumnya.

Awalnya, naluriku mengatakan:

“ah, kapan kapan saja, ini untuk yang lain saja”

lalu aku berpikir, kapan kapan itu kapan?

((( yaela belibet parah maap y )))

Tapi sebelum aku berpikir terlalu jauh, tanpa sadar mulutku mengiyakan, mengambil kesempatan itu tanpa sempat aku mengukur segala kemungkinan.

Setelah mencoba, lalu aku sadar:

Ternyata, hal baru tak selalu menakutkan.

Ternyata, keluar dari zona nyaman tak selalu menghawatirkan.

Justru aku senang.

Seperti ada letupan letupan kecil penuh kebahagian tiap aku berhasil melakukannya dengan baik.

Benar memang kata orang-orang,

Bagaimana kita tau rasanya jika bukan kita sendiri yang mencoba?

.

.

P.s. seperti biasa tidak nyambung dan tidak selesai karena ini adalah bersih bersih draft day!

[justfirdinny]

Belum mandi, bahkan belum ganti baju tidur, cuma pasang sepatu sama pake kerudung udah keliling keliling jauh. I love my life

[justfirdinny]

2019

I may say that 2019 is not my best year.

I mean, there's nothing happen and my life is just as plain as it is from the very beginning.

But I can say that I change much this year.

I finally can cut someone out of my life.

No, not because we change, I mean people change and we just have to bear with it but it's not like that.

It is just me, I always have a second thought of them and it is just toxic.

Sometime, just being with them makes me exhausted because all they can share to me was just negativity.

So I took a step back, and I'm very proud of myself.

In 2019, I make friends.

A bunch of people that I can share my life to

No, they are not new people in my life.

But as I walk through the process of finding myself, they come, they compromise.

For that, I am beyond blessed.

I mean, I begin this decade with zero relation with human beings but now I have like a bunch.

Not much, not less, just enough.

In 2019, I learn how to accept that sometime, something doesn't belong to me and it is fine.

It is really fine, I even can find something else, not as a replacement, but as a complement.

I begin 2019 with doubt that I can be good enough at studying.

I was mad at myself for that.

In this end of the year, I'm still not good enough.

But I can say I'm proud of myself.

Even if I didn't get a perfect score in some classes, I still found myself happy knowing that all my hardwork on getting an A in other classes that I really like really paid off.

I also learn that once I concern with something, I will have a good end.

For me, 2019 is also about self improvement

How I accept fate,

How I deal with pain,

I mean, all of my friends know that I am such a ball full of emotion.

I get very angry and sad easily.

But this year, I begin to control my emotion,

At some point I realize that not all people deserve my anger nor my tears.

I realize that if I made a mistake or ever fall for a wrong person, the blame is on me.

I realize that the one whom I can control is myself.

In 2019, I learn that there are no such this as "expectation vs reality" meme.

If you desperately want it, you will find a way to get it.

It is just the matter of how hard working you are on getting your "expectation".

In 2019, I learn so many things.

I'm truly amaze at how much I change this year.

Yes, it's still not my best year, but I can end this year with pride.

Hope that I can learn so many more next year ❤

.

Ps. Mbulet gak si, tapi intinya paham kan ya:(

[justfirdinny]

ranting 101

Ever since I was a kid, I always try to befriend with everybody.

It’s literally like everybody, with no exception.

I always try to be nice to everyone.

Sometime I do such useless thing to me just for them.

It’s fine, as long as they’re happy,

as long as my friends are happy.

But now, at the age of 21, I realized that not everyone is my friend.

I realized that even if I call them friend, there is no guarantee that they will assume me as their friend.

it sucks.

reality sucks, I should have known this before.

But then there are real people that I can call them as a friend and they call me as their friend.

For that, I’m glad, I’m beyond happy to have them.

I try to hold them close to me as close as it can be.

I always try to compromise them, even if they do something that hurt me.

It hurt, but at some point I realized that it is more painful to loose a friend than that.

So I stand still.

I try to refuse the hurt they have thrown upon me, I try to not to feel it.

It’s fine, they’re my friends.

they trust me to be their friends.

I should not wining about their act toward me.

I should not crying over when they forget about me.

I should be nice.

but why they can’t be nice to me?

when do they see me as myself?

[justfirdinny]

Useless.

So there is like freakingly huge event that will be held here.

And it needs some staff from my group.

It is actually voluntarilly but no ones want to so we are all get picked.

The two of my friend, who apparently is the brightest from all of us can't accept the offer due to their assignment that needs to be done in this near future so they pick the rest of us which is just four clueless girls.

But then they only talk about the three girls, and not surprisingly, they forgot to mention my name.

They talk, and discuss without involving me.

It's like I'm not there or I'm not the part of the group

I mean, I know I am useless,

But I didn't know that I'm THAT useless.

Maybe my help is just a burden for others.

Maybe they did not see me properly.

Or maybe they saw me, but that just it.

It is just me.

I am the problem.

P.s. this is where my anxiety start. I know this post is kinda confusing but I left this for too long in draft so whateverrr