just-stopandthinkaminute

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

20 November 2024,

Dear Diary,

I’ve been struggling so much with my sleep - I haven’t been able to successfully sleep through the night for almost a week at this point - which is very hectic and taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I almost cried at the office today over feedback I was expecting!

What’s also unsettling to me is this decision to have joined Hinge - I liked 4 men yesterday (one of whom didn’t like me back the last time and I remembered instantly) and they don’t seem to have liked me back/ matched (it’s been 24 hours so that’s a good amount of time wrt benefit of doubt purposes). And, to be honest, it doesn’t feel great? I’m trying all my lucky girl syndrome and I’ve started trying to incorporate some affirmations into my day as well but some reality just makes the witchy woo woo stuff difficult. I need to think about this feeling of rejection a bit more — it’s a dating app and I swiped left on 100 people (not exaggerating) last night. So why is it bothering me so to be faced with the same rejection?

But more than that, I heard a podcast today on more rituals and manifestations (and I have also seen some kind of witchy instructor who helps with stretching that releases trauma from the body) and I’m excited to try these things out and see how they affect me positively. On the podcast, she mentioned speaking intentions into coffee and candles — coffee to imbibe what you’ve set for your self and candles to release them into the universe. She also recommends writing letters to your self as though you already have what you’ve always wanted, which is interesting and something I might explore on my flights this weekend. She also spoke about binaural beats; I was too distracted from my lack of sleep at night to follow through on the focus beats during the day but I am keen to play some for the night and gauge how that affects my sleep. I’m also considering taking a second pill. I doubt I will need one tomorrow because I will have spent the evening alongside Mamu and that’s always incredibly reassuring.

In other news, in my state of complete lack of sleep, I followed my Shruti diet perfectly until I ate some chocolate. Not following the diet to the T has left me feeling incredibly guilty - which I shouldn’t because it’s not really that many more calories than what I missed in breakfast and the snacks I never ate. I am trying to work past this guilt because - honestly - I will want chocolate sometimes! And that should be okay!

I am trying to separate that ED voice from rational thought. What makes that hard, though, is that I’m almost thankful for Anna to be roaring her head again. I can hear her in head, forcing me to take better decisions for my health, and I’m almost thankful to her for this. But I am cognisant that the rabbit hole I went down the last time is forbidden ground — that line is hard to tread but I’m hoping with therapy and journaling I’ll toe it better.

My clonotril taken, I am ready to hit the hay (hopefully for the full night).

Wow, when I started writing, I really didn’t think I would have that much to say but here I am.

Love always, Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

18 November 2024,

Dear Diary,

Today will be a shorter entry, a shorter day.

Did I tell you I learned the difference between en and em dashes? Big moves.

I had a difficult night, to be honest. I woke up before any alarm and I was tossing and turning until 7 am. Very, very awake and aware of what was happening. I took my last clonotril around then, too and I’m out and worried about tonight’s sleep. I was alert enough when I woke at 9ish but the gym really knackered me and reminded me of just how tired I was. But, this also marks 4 (?) days of exercising consistently with some form of resistance training, which I am so, so glad to be doing! I’m actually really enjoying it - and also looking forward to it regularly. I am dealing with some guilt when it comes to the lack of cardio, I will try to work around it.

In terms of work, I am working on a pitch for Gucci which is very exciting. The issue is that I’m finding myself regurgitating a lot of what I have already said and written and I’m not able to come up with new names or people - my research skills are not at their best. I need to work on bettering these to build a better base in the industry. I am also scared, more overwhelmingly, of the dangers of AI and its ability to render me unemployable. Nothing major tho just a small existential crisis.

Other than that, I am trying to practice Lucky Girl Syndrome and I’m hoping to see four-leaf clovers in all things, I will keep you updated.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

17 November, 2024

Dear Diary,

Bizarrely, while i was entering the date into this entry, I wrote 2016. What was I doing in 2016? I had quit Ramjas in 2015 or I would have graduated that year and I started Ashoka. It was also the year I met Rohan. I remember for my fresher’s week, and the weeks leading up to it, I did so much cardio and lost so much weight — which I steadily gained back over time. I met Surabhi and became best friends with Mani (big mistake, do not recommend). I also stopped being friends with Manini (highly recommend).

Ramjas was an interesting time in my life and so was leaving it. Deciding to not study, which was an easily reversible decision, to lose weight was absolutely bizarre. I’m surprised my parents never said anything about it or even noticed that something was wrong. If I were to have a suicidal child, I’m sure I would notice? No? I remember writing a letter (read suicide note) which is what ultimately became the last straw for my parents, and I was allowed to leave. i remember going to visit Nani Nana to tell them — nana’s unwavering kindness and nani just telling me to get married. I remember screaming, shouting, howling at Nani’s comment — all I ever wanted was to please her. I also had the most bizarre experience walking into Jorbagh today. I swear I could hear her talk the moment I walked it. Obviously it was not her given that she’s dead as a doornail and was Masi but it was so, so eerie.

Aside from that and this little bout of Ramjas regret and my fear that this once decision will colour every aspect of my life moving forward, I had a pretty good day! I’m scared that Nana doesn’t know me or doesn’t care for me - I need to make moves to rectify that before the big bad thing happens to him. I will move there this coming week and make sure I spend every waking moment with him best I can.

Oh, and I had a really solid workout!

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

16 November, 2024

Dear Diary,

I always think about journaling but I find it so hard to keep up with the habit but I think it’s important for me to ignore the laziness and build the habit. There’s so much of my life that i tend to forget (read repress) that documentation becomes paramount - also, writing is skill that I must hone.

Since we last spoke, I still use too many em/en dashes. That hasn’t changed. My other vices, though, are changing slowly but surely. I have been moving more, I’ve lost some weight, I’m trying to be a bit more social. Any move forward is good. Yesterday my parents left for Goa for another four months. In a mental move that is equal parts surprising and not, I’ve found myself getting more anxious as the night approaches.

I was sent a profile of a boy and I was keen to - he was attractive, went tot he same school as me, seemed intelligent - but we’ve not heard back from them. I, once again, feel a wave of rejection without ever having met this person — yes, I recognise how bizarre that is. I am also fully cognizant I won’t remember who I’ve talking about when I read this back.

In other news, I am going to attempt to actively practice manifestations, lucky girl syndrome, affirmations, and all that good stuff that the TikTok girlies are all about. I remember a two-three day period where I practiced Lucky Girl Syndrome and it worked so well, I’m excited to do that again and hopefully manage to get out of my head a little.

My anxieties currently are to do with:

- My weight

- my work: will I ever be smart enough or good enough to reach the top?

- my love life: I’d like to have some companionship and someone to talk to

It’s also very interesting to me that these anxieties are peaking the moment my parents have left — I’m considering moving to Nani’s house a bit sooner than planned. I was going to wait until I came back from Goa but I might just go post-fast on Monday and visit for dinner tomorrow.

Acutely aware of how many em/en dashes are in this entry,

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

7 October 2024

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was one of the best Sundays I’ve had in the longest time.

I woke up early, I used the Crosstrainer, I went to therapy, I ate some homemade spaghetti bolognaise, I swam 100 lengths, hung out with nana, sat in the steam and sauna and returned home to a book I am greatly enjoying. I nourished my body, mind, soul.

I also heard a podcast yesterday on the lucky girl syndrome — this is is going to be something that I am going to start trying to subscribe to more consistently and holistically. After all, i am lucky. Things always DO work out for me.

This morning, i woke up to the most wonderful dream. That I had found a partner who was as attractive to me as I was to him. Tall, dusky, green-eyed and being introduced to my friends at the gymkhana. All things I love. I’m hoping I can manifest this dream to reality — so often I find so many of my dreams coming true at some point. I’m writing this one down in no uncertain terms. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Somehow, since I’ve heard this podcast (and some of the PMS has worn off), I’m feeling so much lighter and better. Happier and more at peace within myself. What a great time to be alive.

Now I’m thinking I will go on over to the club and run for a bit, right some weights, come home to a protein shake and some more cardio. I feel like a new phase is upon me, and I can’t explain how excited this makes me.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

2 October, 2024

Dear Diary,

I’m finding it incredibly hard to be someone don to make my own decisions. Every day, I feel like life is happening to me. As though I am not an active participant in the goings on of my everyday — I am watching my life fall apart, bit by bit, slowly but surely.

I can’t take a decision and stick to it — I’ve wanted to lose weight for 2 years, haven’t lost even a kilo. I’ve wanted to get over my bad habits and obsessive tendencies, I still spend a days thinking about a boy who could never be — and never even was. I also use too many em dashes! I don’t even know if they’re em dashes or en dashes. I want to look it up but I probably won’t. What does that say about me?

Things are so bad, I’ve had to ask my mother to help me out. Outrageous!

Anyways so here are my goals for the month of October. I am not putting anything in absolutely certain terms, I’m allowing for there to be some room to find my way, so as to adapt, improvise and overcome. Here’s what I have so far:

1. Lose some weight - try to get your weight back into the 50s bracket

2. Sleep well

3. Read more — we have two great books on their way, try reading them

4. Be a bit more social — even if the situations are uncomfortable

5. Also try reading some non-fiction to expand your mind

5. Don’t skimp on work just because you’re on your way out

6. Move more — stretch, lift weights, swim

7. Learn the difference between em dashes and en dashes. Also find out why there are two kinds of dashes

8. Ask a third party if I use to many em dashes

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

26 August 2024

Good morning!

Today is Monday, 26 August and my attempted 75 (maybe more, maybe less) of 75 Hard. I have tried 75 hard many times before but not gotten past even the first day, so this is a new try.

I’ve woken up earlier than usual and I’m currently sitting in the veranda to get some sunlight and so as to not be in my bed before I leave for a Pilates class scheduled for 8 AM. Today is also a fasting day so my food intake will be at its absolute lowest and most boring — but I intend to follow a diet and exercise plan beyond that, too, given that I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable in my skin.

I’m hoping these 75 days help break patterns — physical and mental — and help me move into a more disciplined, together state of being.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

30 October, 2023

Dear Diary,

I start a semi-sabbatical at work -- I don't think I'm going to the office for a month and a half, if not longer. I have time to work, study, and pay attention to my body and needs.

This past year and a half have been particularly peculiar. I started June with Mamu in Goa, I started speaking to Dhruv, and I feel like everything has been about that since. Weight gain, weight loss, messy thoughts.

I don't know if I'm lovelorn -- I don't think I care about him that deeply. What I am more interested in is this lack I feel as a result of not having a companion. The lack I feel being alone, when everyone seems to have a partner. I don't know how to even finish these sentences because nothing about this makes sense.

Do I still hold a candle for what could have been? Of course, I do. Today, my therapist and I discussed mindfulness -- to let these thoughts come into my brain and blissfully pass through. Only then will I stop thinking about it -- actively stopping myself from thinking about something is not going to make me stop thinking about the thing I should not be thinking about!

I don't have much else to say today since I got it out in therapy, but I hope to keep this diary alive during this sabbatical -- lest I block this from my memory, too!

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

4 March 2023

Dear Diary,

I rarely write here, and when I do, it's always something sad.

Today is the 4th of March and I feel absolutely gross. Like my whole is just lard. I am lard and lard is me.

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

25 October 2022

Dear Diary,

2022 has been a year of incredible loss and grieving. Around June, I gained something new and special, an albeit fleeting relationship. In June, I lost two of my best friends because I was overbearing and indiscriminate to their feelings.

With Dhruv, I have grovelled and begged for love and attention. I have begged for basic recognition and decency -- for respect. I don't want that for myself again. I deserve so much more, I deserve so much better. I have managed to succumb into something so pathetic I am unrecognisable to myself -- I have lost my mind trying to understand what he wants from me, how I can be that for him while also getting what I want.

I'm becoming dangerously obsessive, spending hours staring blankly at a phone without getting a response.

Why is it me? Why do I have to end up alone always?

With the last two months of the year fast approaching, I hope to keep my heart open and healing -- less anxious, more willing to the idea of just, kind, and fair love. Someone who loves me back as much as I love them, someone who respects me as much as I respect them. I hope to find ambition and motivation to succeed and achieve my goals. I hope to be comfortable in my skin, in my body, and to not be afraid to ask for what I think I deserve.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

17 October, 2022

Dear Diary, 

Today has been a difficult day. 

So many things have been difficult about today that I can’t even wrap my head around all of them. 

My day started with no texts from Dhruv, even though we barely spoke yesterday. It’s now been two days of us not talking — and the longest it has been since we’ve started talking. A part of me thinks I can’t do this anymore because I am so much more involved and invested and attached than he is, but a part of me thinks he is attached, too. At the same time, I think my mild obsession and panic is very, very likely to drive him away — specially the crap I’ve pulled today. But I can’t seem to stop. 

I think things are getting bad again — the obsession I had with weight has transferred onto Dhruv. I’m thinking about him all day, every second of every day, obsessively and compulsively. I need to stop — this is not healthy for a relationship/ situatonship or even for me. 

I need to go back to incredibly more frequent therapy sessions to pull myself out of this mess — I can’t keep falling prey to myself. 

My weight is also at an all time high and I can’t bring myself to do anything to lose it — I can’t stop eating. I just want more and more and more, wherever and however much I can get. I think I might go make myself vomit right now — I ate three burgers and a thing of fries for no reason. I need to lose weight, transfer this obsession back. 

I need to work on that action plan I had drafted, get those things done, and also play more attention to work. I don’t think I can save myself right now. I don’t know who can save me.

I need help. I need so much help.

Love always, 

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

7 October 2022

wDear Diary,

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s going wrong -- and things are really going wrong. 

I am not being able to perform at work, I am now even being pulled up by my managers. I can’t get myself to work better, thought. 

I’ve the heaviest I’ve been in almost 9 years. I can’t get myself to go to the gym.

I’m obsessively thinking about a boy. I essentially get incredibly uneasy when he isn’t speaking to me -- texting me or calling me. If I were to assess the past week, starting Thursday, 29 September we have: 

- He slept over on Thursday

- I slept over on Saturday

- I slept over on Monday 

- I spent all day with him on Wednesday

I see him, for multiple hours, every other day or so but I always seem to forget that when I am not actively speaking to him, and then I start to spiral. I keep waiting for him to call me, to send me a message -- I spent my days staring at my phone hoping for his name to pop up. It’s ridiculous because, look at how much time we’re spending together! I think I’m scared because he told me that he’s scared, that he doesn’t want to enter into a long-distance relationship, and that he is scared that he will hurt me. I don’t know if those fears still stand. I don’t know anything.

I need to draft an action plan that lets me lift myself out of my misery and into some sense, something, of stability -- I need to be able to ground myself in my work and find what used to drive and motivate me. I’m scared that, with the way things are going, there might be a more severe reprimand coming my way.

I’m making a 5-point plan to help me. here goes: 

- do 30 minutes of puzzling/ intense makeup/ Dyson a day 

- minimum 45 minutes of exercise a day

- read 30 pages of a book

- read at least one article on The New Yorker/ The Atlantic

- finish at least 9 tasks on my to-do list 

- take an extra 10 minutes to cross-check my work

I’m going to start this tomorrow (I mean, today, really) the 7th of October. I will circle back on the 14th, a week from today, with an update on work, play, and weight. 

Love,  Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

3 September 2022

Dear Diary, 

I feel so lonely today. I have been asleep most of the day but I woke to a call from Dhruv. Last night, he’d said he’ll come see me for a little while today but he hasn’t.

I’ve just sent him a message asking if he will come see me, he’s not read it as of right now. I’m going to keep this entry open until I hear from him. 

Do you think this is it?

It's 1:30, it’s been three hours since he’s not acknowledged me asking him if he will come see me today. I think this is it. 

I feel like I am constantly begging him to see me or speak to me and that he just doesn’t want to and I just can’t take it anymore.

I think I'm done with this. This is it. 

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

31 August 2022

Dear Diary, 

Last night, drunk out of my mind, I wrote to Dhruv a whole lot -- periodically. In my embarrassment, I deleted those messages one after the other hoping he wouldn’t see them. 

Later that night, he called me. I asked him to Sanj’s party -- I figured he could use the break and that it might be nice for us to go out and see human beings instead of our clandestine meetings in his bedroom. 

He said no. 

He said it would be weird for him given that a lot of his friends will be there. Isn’t that meant to have softened the blow, though? Made it easier to adjust in some way, I suppose. 

I feel rejected. I feel like he’s embarrassed to be around me or be seen with me. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve message him so much more than he has me -- I’m so much more keen to speak to him. I can’t even stop myself, I keep going back for more and more. Each time we meet, it’s about the sex. He’s routinely asked me if I’m on my period. He doesn’t know anything about me, about my days, about how I’m feeling, anything. 

He said to me that he feels like he has been faltering when it comes to me, that he hasn’t been around to ay much attention to me. I can’t be certain if he said this before he refused to be seen with me in public or after. I hate that he’s done this to me. 

Should I end this? Should I confront him? What do I do?

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

3 April, 2022

Dear Diary, 

I haven’t been here in a while and I’m not sure what’s bringing me here now. 

To be honest, I’m struggling -- my weight is up, my work is poor, and I’m just not feeling good in my skin or in my abilities. 

Today, a boy called me up to tell me I was fat. I don’t even have much to say right now -- I wonder how this will affect me. 

Anyways, I intend to start studying for a GRE soon and to try to improve my health and my overall self confidence and other things -- so let’s see how that goes. Hopefully, I will be around enough to keep you updated. 

Love always,  Ankita 

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

28 May 2021

Dear Diary, 

I completely forgot about you or that I write entries here at all! I looked back though and it hasn’t been that long since I wrote but things have changed pretty drastically--I don’t even live at home!

I moved to Jorbagh on Sunday, after a covid test. Things aren’t bad but there’s a lot fo tension and everyone seems to be walking on eggshells around Mamu--he’s difficult and angry and ruthless. He claims he’s stressed but honestly--who isn’t? Dad is, Dada is, Nani is. Nobody takes it out on other people like this. It’s almost painful being here. 

But, on the plus side, I really enjoy the other side of it. I was speaking to Nishtha today and she discussed how having a structure and routine is good for me since it lets me get out of my own head. I’m realising that that’s true and I need more of that--but I also need to find a way to establish it at home, where I will realistically spend the most time.

I also discussed with her my excessive daydreaming, and how it’s gotten worse over the past few months. The more I think about it, the more I realise it’s less as I am either not on the Crosstrainer or not at home--even if it is because of the worry that there’s a whole world a knock away. I have somehow suffered from a hot flush as I’ve written this. 

Anyways, I’m here at least another 10 days, I’m thinking to go back around my birthday so I can maybe see a person or two, and then come back potentially--I’d like to see the puppies being born because I’ll never see something like that in my life.

Okay, so, that’s all for now! I’ll write again tomorrow talking about how my work is going, but I’m all out of words. Also, we will discuss the friends reunion! I just saw that and it was truly something. 

Love always, 

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

19 May, 2021

Dear Diary, 

This weekend, I read Normal People. It’s a book about a woman, not well liked at school, kind of odd, lets a man use her and lie about their relationship just so she could have him in some capacity, even though she loves him fully. 

It rang one too many bells. 

Anyways, I read the book in a day and a half and then saw the TV show in a day, I did a lot of skips and such. I’m very moved by this for now and I feel oddly obsessed with the characters. I have this reverie floating in my mind that I, too, will find love in some obscure European town and ride a bicycle by a canal somewhere.

What’s hitting me about this book, I think, is how I let people treat me. And I’m not here for it. Today, I told Rohan about a few things I was excited about and he put all of them down. This is why I don’t share things with him! But I’ve learned from Marianne that I shouldn’t take this shit, so I called him out on it. Then I deleted the messages because I’m a little bitch. I sent him a message about a shirt and asked his opinion--but he had seen those other messages and commented on them somewhat. But, at the end of the day, all I know is that I won’t share with him the things that I like and the things that I don’t. They’re personal to me, important, and I will reserve that part of me for those who love me and deserve to see that side of me. I will answer the questions he asks me but I will no longer volunteer information about myself. I am good, and kind, and I have interests that I would like to share with people who are actually concerned about what I’m doing. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have too many issues with too many people. Is there something wrong with me that I can get along with people? Why do I have so many lost friendships or changed relationships? Why can’t I make people love me?

Love always, 

Ankita