just-stopandthinkaminute
Agnes tries to lose weight
24 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
ruminativerain
Eclecticism
greatlittledreams20
Freedom
ryudokun
El tren mágico y musical de mis pensamientos
paininherbones
PainInHerBones
thundervoiced
don't talk to me
Text
26 August 2024
Good morning!
Today is Monday, 26 August and my attempted 75 (maybe more, maybe less) of 75 Hard. I have tried 75 hard many times before but not gotten past even the first day, so this is a new try.
I’ve woken up earlier than usual and I’m currently sitting in the veranda to get some sunlight and so as to not be in my bed before I leave for a Pilates class scheduled for 8 AM. Today is also a fasting day so my food intake will be at its absolute lowest and most boring — but I intend to follow a diet and exercise plan beyond that, too, given that I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable in my skin.
I’m hoping these 75 days help break patterns — physical and mental — and help me move into a more disciplined, together state of being.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
30 October, 2023
Dear Diary,
I start a semi-sabbatical at work -- I don't think I'm going to the office for a month and a half, if not longer. I have time to work, study, and pay attention to my body and needs.
This past year and a half have been particularly peculiar. I started June with Mamu in Goa, I started speaking to Dhruv, and I feel like everything has been about that since. Weight gain, weight loss, messy thoughts.
I don't know if I'm lovelorn -- I don't think I care about him that deeply. What I am more interested in is this lack I feel as a result of not having a companion. The lack I feel being alone, when everyone seems to have a partner. I don't know how to even finish these sentences because nothing about this makes sense.
Do I still hold a candle for what could have been? Of course, I do. Today, my therapist and I discussed mindfulness -- to let these thoughts come into my brain and blissfully pass through. Only then will I stop thinking about it -- actively stopping myself from thinking about something is not going to make me stop thinking about the thing I should not be thinking about!
I don't have much else to say today since I got it out in therapy, but I hope to keep this diary alive during this sabbatical -- lest I block this from my memory, too!
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
4 March 2023
Dear Diary,
I rarely write here, and when I do, it's always something sad.
Today is the 4th of March and I feel absolutely gross. Like my whole is just lard. I am lard and lard is me.
0 notes
Text
25 October 2022
Dear Diary,
2022 has been a year of incredible loss and grieving. Around June, I gained something new and special, an albeit fleeting relationship. In June, I lost two of my best friends because I was overbearing and indiscriminate to their feelings.
With Dhruv, I have grovelled and begged for love and attention. I have begged for basic recognition and decency -- for respect. I don't want that for myself again. I deserve so much more, I deserve so much better. I have managed to succumb into something so pathetic I am unrecognisable to myself -- I have lost my mind trying to understand what he wants from me, how I can be that for him while also getting what I want.
I'm becoming dangerously obsessive, spending hours staring blankly at a phone without getting a response.
Why is it me? Why do I have to end up alone always?
With the last two months of the year fast approaching, I hope to keep my heart open and healing -- less anxious, more willing to the idea of just, kind, and fair love. Someone who loves me back as much as I love them, someone who respects me as much as I respect them. I hope to find ambition and motivation to succeed and achieve my goals. I hope to be comfortable in my skin, in my body, and to not be afraid to ask for what I think I deserve.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
17 October, 2022
Dear Diary,
Today has been a difficult day.
So many things have been difficult about today that I can’t even wrap my head around all of them.
My day started with no texts from Dhruv, even though we barely spoke yesterday. It’s now been two days of us not talking — and the longest it has been since we’ve started talking. A part of me thinks I can’t do this anymore because I am so much more involved and invested and attached than he is, but a part of me thinks he is attached, too. At the same time, I think my mild obsession and panic is very, very likely to drive him away — specially the crap I’ve pulled today. But I can’t seem to stop.
I think things are getting bad again — the obsession I had with weight has transferred onto Dhruv. I’m thinking about him all day, every second of every day, obsessively and compulsively. I need to stop — this is not healthy for a relationship/ situatonship or even for me.
I need to go back to incredibly more frequent therapy sessions to pull myself out of this mess — I can’t keep falling prey to myself.
My weight is also at an all time high and I can’t bring myself to do anything to lose it — I can’t stop eating. I just want more and more and more, wherever and however much I can get. I think I might go make myself vomit right now — I ate three burgers and a thing of fries for no reason. I need to lose weight, transfer this obsession back.
I need to work on that action plan I had drafted, get those things done, and also play more attention to work. I don’t think I can save myself right now. I don’t know who can save me.
I need help. I need so much help.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
7 October 2022
wDear Diary,
I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s going wrong -- and things are really going wrong.
I am not being able to perform at work, I am now even being pulled up by my managers. I can’t get myself to work better, thought.
I’ve the heaviest I’ve been in almost 9 years. I can’t get myself to go to the gym.
I’m obsessively thinking about a boy. I essentially get incredibly uneasy when he isn’t speaking to me -- texting me or calling me. If I were to assess the past week, starting Thursday, 29 September we have:
- He slept over on Thursday
- I slept over on Saturday
- I slept over on Monday
- I spent all day with him on Wednesday
I see him, for multiple hours, every other day or so but I always seem to forget that when I am not actively speaking to him, and then I start to spiral. I keep waiting for him to call me, to send me a message -- I spent my days staring at my phone hoping for his name to pop up. It’s ridiculous because, look at how much time we’re spending together! I think I’m scared because he told me that he’s scared, that he doesn’t want to enter into a long-distance relationship, and that he is scared that he will hurt me. I don’t know if those fears still stand. I don’t know anything.
I need to draft an action plan that lets me lift myself out of my misery and into some sense, something, of stability -- I need to be able to ground myself in my work and find what used to drive and motivate me. I’m scared that, with the way things are going, there might be a more severe reprimand coming my way.
I’m making a 5-point plan to help me. here goes:
- do 30 minutes of puzzling/ intense makeup/ Dyson a day
- minimum 45 minutes of exercise a day
- read 30 pages of a book
- read at least one article on The New Yorker/ The Atlantic
- finish at least 9 tasks on my to-do list
- take an extra 10 minutes to cross-check my work
I’m going to start this tomorrow (I mean, today, really) the 7th of October. I will circle back on the 14th, a week from today, with an update on work, play, and weight.
Love,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
3 September 2022
Dear Diary,
I feel so lonely today. I have been asleep most of the day but I woke to a call from Dhruv. Last night, he’d said he’ll come see me for a little while today but he hasn’t.
I’ve just sent him a message asking if he will come see me, he’s not read it as of right now. I’m going to keep this entry open until I hear from him.
Do you think this is it?
It's 1:30, it’s been three hours since he’s not acknowledged me asking him if he will come see me today. I think this is it.
I feel like I am constantly begging him to see me or speak to me and that he just doesn’t want to and I just can’t take it anymore.
I think I'm done with this. This is it.
0 notes
Text
31 August 2022
Dear Diary,
Last night, drunk out of my mind, I wrote to Dhruv a whole lot -- periodically. In my embarrassment, I deleted those messages one after the other hoping he wouldn’t see them.
Later that night, he called me. I asked him to Sanj’s party -- I figured he could use the break and that it might be nice for us to go out and see human beings instead of our clandestine meetings in his bedroom.
He said no.
He said it would be weird for him given that a lot of his friends will be there. Isn’t that meant to have softened the blow, though? Made it easier to adjust in some way, I suppose.
I feel rejected. I feel like he’s embarrassed to be around me or be seen with me. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve message him so much more than he has me -- I’m so much more keen to speak to him. I can’t even stop myself, I keep going back for more and more. Each time we meet, it’s about the sex. He’s routinely asked me if I’m on my period. He doesn’t know anything about me, about my days, about how I’m feeling, anything.
He said to me that he feels like he has been faltering when it comes to me, that he hasn’t been around to ay much attention to me. I can’t be certain if he said this before he refused to be seen with me in public or after. I hate that he’s done this to me.
Should I end this? Should I confront him? What do I do?
0 notes
Text
3 April, 2022
Dear Diary,
I haven’t been here in a while and I’m not sure what’s bringing me here now.
To be honest, I’m struggling -- my weight is up, my work is poor, and I’m just not feeling good in my skin or in my abilities.
Today, a boy called me up to tell me I was fat. I don’t even have much to say right now -- I wonder how this will affect me.
Anyways, I intend to start studying for a GRE soon and to try to improve my health and my overall self confidence and other things -- so let’s see how that goes. Hopefully, I will be around enough to keep you updated.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
28 May 2021
Dear Diary,
I completely forgot about you or that I write entries here at all! I looked back though and it hasn’t been that long since I wrote but things have changed pretty drastically--I don’t even live at home!
I moved to Jorbagh on Sunday, after a covid test. Things aren’t bad but there’s a lot fo tension and everyone seems to be walking on eggshells around Mamu--he’s difficult and angry and ruthless. He claims he’s stressed but honestly--who isn’t? Dad is, Dada is, Nani is. Nobody takes it out on other people like this. It’s almost painful being here.
But, on the plus side, I really enjoy the other side of it. I was speaking to Nishtha today and she discussed how having a structure and routine is good for me since it lets me get out of my own head. I’m realising that that’s true and I need more of that--but I also need to find a way to establish it at home, where I will realistically spend the most time.
I also discussed with her my excessive daydreaming, and how it’s gotten worse over the past few months. The more I think about it, the more I realise it’s less as I am either not on the Crosstrainer or not at home--even if it is because of the worry that there’s a whole world a knock away. I have somehow suffered from a hot flush as I’ve written this.
Anyways, I’m here at least another 10 days, I’m thinking to go back around my birthday so I can maybe see a person or two, and then come back potentially--I’d like to see the puppies being born because I’ll never see something like that in my life.
Okay, so, that’s all for now! I’ll write again tomorrow talking about how my work is going, but I’m all out of words. Also, we will discuss the friends reunion! I just saw that and it was truly something.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
19 May, 2021
Dear Diary,
This weekend, I read Normal People. It’s a book about a woman, not well liked at school, kind of odd, lets a man use her and lie about their relationship just so she could have him in some capacity, even though she loves him fully.
It rang one too many bells.
Anyways, I read the book in a day and a half and then saw the TV show in a day, I did a lot of skips and such. I’m very moved by this for now and I feel oddly obsessed with the characters. I have this reverie floating in my mind that I, too, will find love in some obscure European town and ride a bicycle by a canal somewhere.
What’s hitting me about this book, I think, is how I let people treat me. And I’m not here for it. Today, I told Rohan about a few things I was excited about and he put all of them down. This is why I don’t share things with him! But I’ve learned from Marianne that I shouldn’t take this shit, so I called him out on it. Then I deleted the messages because I’m a little bitch. I sent him a message about a shirt and asked his opinion--but he had seen those other messages and commented on them somewhat. But, at the end of the day, all I know is that I won’t share with him the things that I like and the things that I don’t. They’re personal to me, important, and I will reserve that part of me for those who love me and deserve to see that side of me. I will answer the questions he asks me but I will no longer volunteer information about myself. I am good, and kind, and I have interests that I would like to share with people who are actually concerned about what I’m doing.
Sometimes I wonder if I have too many issues with too many people. Is there something wrong with me that I can get along with people? Why do I have so many lost friendships or changed relationships? Why can’t I make people love me?
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
14 May, 2021
Dear Diary,
Another week, another diary entry.
As I write this, I’m eating a bowl of rice and paneer even though I’m not hungry because I need to eat and nourish my body. I weigh 53.45 kilos as of this evening. I did an hour of cardio, my period is two weeks late.
In other news, I completed and sent in my project, and I got the job. Except they’ve delayed it--they told me to extend my internship and start full-time in June. They called back a few hours later and said to start in July. They’ll also pay me less than I was paid at Penguin but this is more fun, so I suppose it’s okay.
I struggle, however, with a lack of motivation and an eye for detail--I’m a bit careless and I don’t double-check. These things desperately need to change, and I will work on that. I think I need to sleep deeper and better, earlier, and also workout in the mornings and perhaps meditate to get my head on right.
I think I was a bit stressed this past week--I’ve not slept well or exercised much, my skin is breaking out, it’s all pretty gross, I’m not going to lie. I did start P50 today and I'm hoping to have a yeasty routine in a couple of months when I have some cash for some Biologique.
I do wonder if journaling is for me--I don’t seem to have that much to say after the first time. I going to read a book now, I might have something new to say after I try to set top a routine and actually get out of bed for once.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
7 May, 2021
Dear Diary,
I’m sorry I’ve not written in a while--I write 7 May but its really the 8th. I didn’t intend to take a break--nothing much has happened, really.
Except--I got vaccinated on Tuesday. The aftereffects were so, so peculiar--I swear I’ve never been that exhausted in my life. I felt feverish but I didn’t actually have a fever--but this isn’t Black Mirror and I don’t need a machine to tell me how I’m feeling.
I have a week of work left, unless next Friday is a holiday for Eid. After that, I wait until they decide if I’m worthy of a job. I’m cautiously optimistic. I think the internship went well, I had a few good moments and some moments where thing weren’t necessarily perfect but not bad at all--no irredeemable errors, basically.
This weekend, I work on my project and try to have that ready by Monday to finally submit on Wednesday. I’m excited and nervous, I have my idea in place but I need all my other plugs and media plans to be put in place, too. It’s going to be a busy week but I’m looking forward to it being done and dusted. It’ll be interesting to look back on this phase in a weeks’ time.
Until then,
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
29 April, 2021
Dear Diary,
It’s been a really ridiculous few days. Since I last wrote, we had a doctor tell my father that “he’s on the verge of a disaster”, basically saying that he was going to die. I went around looking for medicines, he’s got them, he’s okay. Turns out that doctor was just a drama queen and that there was nothing to be worried about. How frustrating is that? How can you say that to a sick person?
Anyways, all’s well that ends well.
I’ve got my rakhi project that I need to start work on but I’m fresh out of ideas so that sucks. I’m going to have to come up with something decent soon and start chalking this out in a couple of days and get cracking--I’ve really only got 10 days to finish this and it’s over and above all my other work.
I’m concerned about how I might be hired at the organisation--I don’t think I’m doing badly, I do think I get a fair few notes but nothing too bad. I can’t be perfect in two times of doing something. I hope, obviously, that I’ll get better--I know better now so I’ll do better.
I don’t know--I’m really struggling to write something in here today. I’m not sure why--I've been meaning to write since yesterday but I feel stuck, suddenly.
Oh! Something did happen today--I discovered that Hannah is 23 years old, so two years younger. I went into a mini-spiral: she’s younger and doing more things, am I too old to be trying something new? Will I be judged for this? Is my start in life too late? My major issue here is that this reminds me of my nativity and how immature and defensive I can be. That really, really needs remedying at the earliest.
I consider a lot of feedback as criticism--which is serious dampening my ability to learn and grow. I need to get better at accepting feedback as exactly that, imbibing it and doing better from it.
I’m going to end this very shoddy entry now before I ramble too much.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
26 April 2021
Dear Diary,
My attempt at more frequent journaling is a once-in-two-days approach. It works because it’s frequent enough but not so frequent such that I have nothing to say. I don’t have to say these days: I’m home, I start my days with work, the day flies by, and suddenly its 10 pm and then its lather-rinse-repeat.
The days are going by slowly, but also really fast. Each day seems to go by slowly and then, at the end of the day, it feels to have flown by, and then its Friday and then it’s Monday. It’s this weird, dystopian vortex.
I’ve been given my PR Pundit project: Forest Essentials Rakhi Campaign. I’ve worked on a Rakhi Campaign before, at Nicobar, so it’s not unfamiliar territory. But it’s completely unchartered--do I have an idea that is new and original and not done to death? Is that even possible at this stage? PR is an ideas economy, there is an obvious need to be able to come up with hooks hitherto not thought of.
Anyways--this campaign is likely to be my life for the next few weeks. I need to make sure it’s perfect, or close as can be. I’m not sure Rakhi is a particularly lucrative for the company--Nico always lost money on it. Anyways, let’s see. I’ve got 2+weeks to come up with some ideas--so soon but so far away!
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
24 April 2021
Dear Diary,
Here we are again: it’s been nine months since I wrote here last. A little context: we’re in lockdown again, people are dropping like flies without medical care and attention, there’s no oxygen at the hospitals, every third person in Delhi has covid (including my father). You either have covid or you’re related to someone who has covid. I’m currently working at PR Pundit as an intern and I’m hoping I can convert that into a full-time gig. The HR Lady, Shreya (whom I really like), has informed me about a position available at my level (or, rather, what would be my level) and also told me that she needs to evaluate me and can’t make any promises. I’ve been here a month-and-a-half, and I’ve got two weeks to go.
Now, a recap: Since I was here last, after a year or spotty memory and heartbreak and way more drinking that necessary, I started therapy. My therapist, Nishtha, is lovely. She’s young and funny, laughs at my jokes, and helps me constantly. My mental health and eating disorder have improved by leaps and bounds in these nine months. There’s still a long, long way to go and there are ups and downs and progress isn’t linear, but I’m hopeful. I’m not used to feeling hopeful; it’s to feel something other than a sense of impending doom. It’s nice to be able to look forward to something.
This internship has gone well for me, methinks. I’ve worked hard, which is more than I can say for what I’ve done for years). I have given it my all thus far. Shreya and Abhilasha are going to give me a project to work on over the next couple of weeks, over and above the work I’m already doing, to gauge my potential, and then there’s going to be an interview and performance analysis. I’m feeling a very strange mix of emotions--I’m frightened about what will happen if I’m not hired, to be out of a job in this economy with a limited skill set. But I am confident that I am liked, that my work has been decent (with obvious room for improvement) and that I have a bit of knack for what I’m doing. I’m hopeful. Cautiously optimistic is the term, I believe. I will work my ass off for the project, do it the best I can. The rest is up to fate the universe.
I’m also feeling overwhelmed by what’s going on. I don’t know how to help. I could donate money but to whom and how much and what good would that even do when there’s no air to breathe. I’m appalled that I’m thinking about which serums to start using for my skin in the thick of the pandemic. My problems seem so minuscule when people are dying for no fault of their own. I’ve just found out about Aditi’s mum who’s in the garden and likely has covid and the doctors aren’t taking her calls. And I’m sat here complaining that I might not have a job or that I might be fat. Isn’t that so fucked up? Everything is fucked up.
I’m worried about my grandparents. I’m worried about my job. I’m constantly worried.
But, just the other day, I felt the brain fog lift a bit. Here’s what happened: I had this really intense Chris Evans phase this time last year. He’d tweeted an NY Times article on consciousness and the voice inside one’s head and where+how it originates. I remember reading it this time last year and sharing it because that’s what you do. Sid read it and commented on it, and I remember saying, “I don’t get it” and he asked what specifically I didn’t understand, but fact is, I didn’t understand anything. But I did on Tuesday. It’s these small victories that tell me I’m going to be alright. Because I am. I’m going to be alright.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes
Text
15 August, 2020
Dear Diary,
We’re now halfway through August, time’s flying faster than light, and there’s this impenetrable fog that’s burying my mind.
A few years ago, I experienced something similar. I know this constant tiredness is because of my eating habits and my mood--I mean, obviously it is, the lack of careI take of my body is palpable--but I’m seeing a doctor on Monday in any case to see if there’s anything I can do to remedy this externally.
What I am going to try, however, is a mix of intermittent fast and consuming raw fruit juices. I’ve going to start my day with some turmeric and ginger shots, move onto some spinach and apple juices with fruit. This should help me get my 4 out of five a day. In the evenings, for dinner, I’m considering eating a bowl of vegetables with some soup. Limit, but not entirely constrict, my carb intake--two toasts instead of the dreadful three. A little less salt, too. I’ll take my vitamins every day. I’ll burn 400 calories instead of 500. Let’s see--my weight loss will be much slower, but hey, I don't have anywhere to go till November, and I can do it by then. Plus, this’ll be a lot healthier.
See you on a 1st with an update on my HEALTH and WELLNESS.
Love always,
Ankita
0 notes