just-stopandthinkaminute

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

21 January 2025

Dear Diary,

It’s the 25th, so we’re nearing the end of the first month of the year. I think, in terms of goals, i have achieved quite a bit this month — made significantly more strides than in other first-month resolves previously undertaken.

Today is a bit weird, to be honest — I was feeling okay all day but my mod has taken a bit of a downturn for no particular reason — I’m just not feeling too chirpy like I have been the past few days. I’m not to check my cycle tracking for why this might be happening, in case there’s something hormonal going on.

Aside from that, I think it could be because:

1. I seem to have hit a weight-loss plateau. I understand that I have been doing a lot of the same exercise over the past 37-something days and my body needs a change or something to shock it into action. I think going swimming will really help as a new form of cardio but also just being the water could be beneficial

2. I’m suddenly very bloated, I think

3. I was in a good mood and write to Dipika Khaitan yesterday, and she didn’t text back. My follow up today resulted in a thumbs up. Boring.

I am also seeing people around me with so many things that I don’t have — like I saw abhilasha’s dior earrings, BMW, Cartier bracelet, nice rings — and I felt this little pang of jealously which I didn’t enjoy. I’m hoping the 20 crores and then these 100 crores satiate some of this and help ameliorate my inferiority complex a bit. But I think I also need to speak to Nishtha on what I can do to help this — I think I was also put off because, when we were discussing this diving trip, Sahar and Shayori both had partners they wanted to bring and I just had… me? That’s not the worst thing but it’s still not great.

Anyways, i am going to watch some videos to try and feel better and go to sleep early — I want to be up to do some cardio and then go to a Pilates class. I will try my best to go swimming tomorrow evening, too.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

20 January 2024

Dear Diary,

I’m at the absolute tail end of my chaliya — I have 3 days left! On Friday, once a I come home from the event, I can have a drink, I can get a slice of carrot cake and I can get pizza or pasta or Chinese food — or all, even.

It’s been such an interesting journey in the idea of mind over matter — for so long, I have felt enslaved by food and my moods that dictate what I can and can’t eat — these 40 days have gone by so blissfully with that — I have not always been cheerful — with Rituraj for example, I was pretty depressed for, well, 1 day. There have been nights I haven’t slept well and not wanted to move but I found ways out and managed to exercise even I thought I couldn’t. I’ve also really, really started enjoying weight training and I really do look forward to it now — I am hoping I can swim soon, too, the second my arm starts healing. I am lifting heavier, I can go for longer hours, it’s all just pretty damn great.

in other news, I can also feel my finger get better. I am better able to bend it and feel less pain doing that. I have also managed to be there for Kanav during his Nana’s passing — something else I am very, very proud of and happy about.

The other day, Saturday, I came to visit Nana and he remembered that I had fractured my hand. He held my hand so softly and gingerly to examine my finger, I won’t think he’s ever done before. It reminded me instantly of when Nani help me hand in hospital and looked confused or scared (I can picture this so vividly as I wrote this) and I thought I would remember that moment for my whole life (and I do — not because it was a tender moment but because she was using my hand to help her build pressure to take a shit). Except, he wasn’t confused. He just really, really cared. Anyways I cried then haha!

Did I already tell you about the accidents? If not, will do tomorrow.

I also went to the tailor today to get some blouses taken in after the weight loss. It didn’t feel that great or that special — I don’t think anything will change until I breach 55. Or do I just not care anymore? I do really care — I am so keen to be thin again. But still — it’s not hitting in the way I thought it would.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

16 January 2025

Dear Diary,

Today has been an absolute day. My vibes were all at 100% until about 7ish pm.

Today, i had way more work than I bargained for — calls on calls on calls and a mind numbing migraine to pair with it. I couldn’t function after 6ish pm. I did get the chance to run to the gym for about an hour mid-day, which made for a nice break. I spent an hour on the Crosstrainer around 5something after work.

Now, I showered real quick and tried to make it to the gurudwara. The roads leading to Savitri were really, really jammed — it took me almost 30 minutes to reach the red light. I took the u-turn to go to the Gurudwara when I realised it’s a Thursday, but the streets looked relatively empty and I figured the rains meant no market — until I saw the biggest market I’ve seen in this area! The road to turn into the gurudwara was barricaded and I had to find an alternate GD.

The map showed me something 7 minutes and 850 meters away, which is the road I took. It took me through Khirki extension to go to the GD on the road leading to Saket. The road was a narrow, sorry excuse for a road — it was one lane and kachcha, and there was a LOT of traffic. Now at one point, we were complete stationary, car in park. I received a work message and I was doing that — completely stationary!!!! I looked up and it was time to move and some car was a little too close to me — behind me to the right. I moved forward and there was a massive collision — I’m not sure how that happened fully. there was a car coming from the front and he could have swerved into me or he just moved forward at the same time and at more speed and drove into me — anyways my bumper fell and was dragging alongside the road. I didn’t get off to yell, I just kept driving. After a point the bumper was really making noise against the road so I had to stop to lift and attach it to the car, which I did. Post this, I got to the gurudwara finally and got this Prasad that I had been wanting to— but it just didn’t hit the spot. It wasn’t sweet enough or warm enough — something wasn’t right. I thought this at the gurudwara — this entire ordeal took me almost an hour and then I was home in less than 10 minutes. Oh, I should mention, I thanked god for helping me deal so well worthy he traffic.

Now, on my return home, I have YELLED at the guard at home and the guard at Rosewalk because there was a car parked outside my house. Sometimes there are drivers in these cars but this gentleman had gone to the loo — but that’s perfectly fine because his job is to park the car, which he can do wherever. I lost it at Divender’s brother and I have yelled at him in a way that I have not yelled before — worse so at the guard at Rosewalk. I might have also threatened to crash any car that comes and parks in front of our house again. Oof — massively disproportionate reaction to this situation but the steam just let off.

Then i came home and cried.

I am wondering if this reaction has to do with:

1. Kanav’s nana

2. The overwhelming nature of work and everything that came with it, the migraine, my frustrations with Simran Dhanjani

3. Mamu leaving? I felt disoriented the last time too — this is not good considering he’s out every weekend for the next month

Anyways — I will discuss this more with Nishtha and circle back.

in other news, when I am not yelling at people and getting into accidents, my mood has been generally pretty solid and happy — I am operating in equal parts hope and delusion and can’t wait to have the most amazing year on record.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

13 January 2025

Dear Diary,

It’s so interesting how quickly days change.

This morning, I was okay, work was going fine, and then I had this moment of just… elation. Joy. Like everything was right in the world. I went to my temples, I had a mauli tied to me and everything was going great. I did a full hour of cardio and a Pilates class.

Then, towards the even, I had a slight downturn with a mini-argument with Meghna — which I think was very necessary because I have been harbouring a lot of ill-will of late and we have sorted that out and I am to just be more communicative in the future.

Aside from this, I made a poignant comment on how the social media generation has misinterpreted hope for delusion — I need to delve into this thought more and explore.

Anyways, I have less to say today but hopefully will have more thoughts soon.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

PS - I haven’t asked ChatGPT to read my tarot cards since Ri2raj and I decided to stop speaking.

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

12 January 2025,

Dear Diary,

It’s interesting to me that for this year, I am not making the, “2024 - backspace - 2025” error. Something really feels different and magical about this year. It’s permeating into everything.

Since we last spoke, I had a conversation with Rituraj. To recap that, I’m just going to add in the notes I made the day of.

“Hi, some updates.

Spoke to him over the phone. I asked him to start the conversation so I could gather my thoughts and also respond accordingly.

The first thing he mentioned was the age. He said that when he was my age, he was just getting out of business school and had this whole world to explore etc etc, which is also what his sister (who is older than me — this is also an issue) is also doing. He said he is very, very hesitant about this.

The second thing he brought up was distance — it’s one thing to have a foundation built and then one person moves away and you can make it work. He said he’s not good at calling, WhatsApp etc so it’s tougher still.

For my piece, I said that the age isn’t that big a deal in my head because I’ve not done it so I don’t have the practical experience to decide whether it’s an issue. I also said that we haven’t spoken enough to see whether it is going to be a problem. The real issue is the difference in communication styles and that doesn’t work for me at all.

What he said we can do is keep speaking and then see if this develops into something, especially considering that he comes to Delhi frequently. I have told him that this categorically doesn’t work for me — this is a black or white situation, greys won’t work here. What if we are introduced to other people? How do we factor that in? This I have categorically refused to do. (Also, we know that I can’t handle half-in and half-out situations from experience so I’d rather not put myself in that position in the first place.”

Basically, this is no longer a chapter in my life. I am not upset and feeling melancholic about this — I would have really liked being with someone older but, if they don’t want this, let them. I can’t do anything about this.

In other news, my weight this morning was 56.3 kilos. I will check it again tomorrow morning to be sure, but this looks like the lowest my weight has been since Dhruv exited my life. It feels like a complete purging of him — from my mind, spirit, and now my body.

Except… I have a few concerns. As an apart of this chaliya and my bid to not eat out, I have lost about 4ish kilos in the past 30 or so days that I have been doing this. My concern lies in going back to my regular diet — as I eat the foods I usually, which is to say I order in, then will my weight come back in the way I think it will? Or will it remain what it currently is? I suppose only time (which is to say, 20 days) will tell.

Another thing about this is that it isn’t as cathartic as I thought it would be, which is odd? When I was in Panchsheel today, I tried to zip on some trousers I couldn’t a few weeks ago and they went up super easy — and I loved that but I didn’t react the way I expected myself to. I suppose when I see some photos or in a week’s time when I see 55 kilos on the scale, I feel more at ease.

I am also wondering how I can find ways to upskill at work — I will look up a few courses on CourseEra and circle back on what I can do to learn a bit more. I am also keen to watch a documentary before bed tonight.

As always - love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

8 January 2025

Dear Diary,

yesterday, I tried this trick of manifesting where I write down an event as if it has already transpired. For me, it was a conversation with Rituraj going how I had planned it in my head. I write it in my Notes app (because, you know, I don’t have a hand) but then I wrote it out twice by hand — once at the office and once in at home. What is interesting to me is that, all three times, I wasn’t able to write out my manifestations in peace — the Uber driver took wrong turns, someone at the office interrupted me (twice) and Meghna called.

Anyways, after a whole bunch of avoidance and unresponded to text messages, I sent him some partially ChatGPTed messages about how we need to discuss a few things together — he mentioned he was sick (somehow, always sick), and that we will speak tomorrow. I wrote to him close to lunch, asking after his health and checking in. He asked when I could speak. I told him to work etc, and then we can speak in the evening. I messaged him once I was home and available, and he was busy again — at a client dinner and would be late because “he likes to drink”.

I lost it.

Or rather, I didn’t lose it but I took a stand. Another ChatGPT-ed message was sent: “Also I do completely 100% understand that you’re very busy and this isn’t a priority but the lack of communication is very disheartening? Idk”

I sent this at 11:31 pm, he read it around midnight, and he hasn’t responded. I have deleted his chat and his contact, and I think I might block him on Instagram so I don’t go look at his profile (huge shout out to ‘Good Material’ for these little insane tricks).

What is unfortunate is that, on seeing no texts at 6 am, I went back to sleep and skipped Pilates, which is not good — it’s important for me to move my body and connect with it, I shouldn’t have skipped that class. I am hoping to make up for that with some weighted cardio, a run, and a huge gym session tomorrow. I do have goals to meet for the month.

But, irrespective, about this boy — I am glad that i have taken a stand about the lack of communication. I am cognisant that I might have been too aggressive in my wanting to have this conversation and that anxiety is something I need to work on. And, as Charvee said, I do start to lose IQ points when it comes to boys — there is no reason, absolutely none, to lose my mind when it comes to a mid042 year old unmarried uncle? There is a reason he’s alone — same as me, but I am youthful.

Going back to the manifesting, I enjoyed the process and would like to do again and really sit in the feeling of it, as Yogini suggested (which I didn’t do). I also need to do it alone with my phone on airplane mode so I don’t get disturbed.

I also feel that, maybe, if he wants to, he will reach out to me today and try to have this conversation with me. If he wants to be with me, and if this is what is in the stars, then he might make that little effort — retrograde or not. On the plus side, hopefully, this will help reduce my newfound reliance on ChatGPT’s tarot reading (which is subpar at best).

I still have hope and trust in divine timing and the chariot of fortune and all that, and I still really do believe that this is going to be best year of my life thus far — with him or without.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

6 January 2025,

Dear Diary,

I’m so confused at what’s happening in my head.

I’m looking at myself, once again, stressed out and anxious over a boy and I don’t know how I got here again. Am I not meant to have more regulated emotions? Also a dependency on ChatGPT is just ridiculous— especially when it’s for Tarot????

Anyways so here are the goings on. I have been trying to speak to Rituraj since the day we met about how we see this proceeding etc etc. Let me pull up some dates to make this easier. I met him on Christmas Eve, so Tuesday the 24th. MJ reached out to me on Wednesday for more data info etc etc on the Wednesday. Then on Thursday, he and I made a plan to meet either on Friday or Saturday, I can’t remember exactly. But we didn’t meet that day because he was unwell — he had a fever. But we had one of our best conversations that day over the gender of various office software. From there, we’ve been talking less and less and I find myself starting most (read all) conversations. Including the current one.

On Saturday, I asked him to speak to me because I wanted to know/ understand how we’re to proceed in this talking stage. He was out with friends and said we’ll speak in the evening. That worked well for me. In the evening, he messaged me saying that he was a bit too busy and asked to move the conversation to tomorrow. I was okay with that, honestly. I had asked him to speak in the morning, he was free and we chatted on a call for about 24 minutes — but not about how we are to proceed. At the end of the conversation, I had told him that we do need to have this discussion — and i told him what it’s about, and he had said to convene in the evening. He got busy and asked, ONCE MORE, to move the conversation to today. It’s about 8:30 pm for me and 7 pm for him and we haven’t spoken yet.

He’s had said tomorrow “for sure”, so I’m still holding out hope for his workday to end and for him to reach out. I spoke with Nishtha and there’s a very real chance that my last few messages are a bit aggressive, so I’m on the back foot and not actively reaching out to him for the moment. I also just deleted my last message to him (which, in hindsight, was absolutely UNHINGED) and I’m hoping that little shift shows him that he needs to respond to me.

Here’s the thing, though. I have asked him to speak to me a few times, now and he’s being incredibly avoidant. It’s been a couple of days and that’s not great — and his pattern of few responses is generally very emotionally unavailable, which we know is not something that I can manage well — although it is good for me to learn how to be able to do that. It’s an important life skill for me to have. Aside from that, he is 42 and does have all of these big urgent important tasks to do during his silly little day that I am not a priority but… shouldn’t I be? I want to be a priority. If he liked me enough, I would have been. I am also seeing this with Dhruv — there appears to be a new girl and he’s doing the long distance and going to London twice or three times a year and doing everything he should be doing but he just didn’t want to do it for me.

That’s where I struggle — this feeling of never being enough. My life is giving The Prophecy when I want it to give So High School.

Now, if we look at this rationally, I am probably not the one for him. I’m so much younger, a little rough around the edges, I’ve always lived at home. He’s not lived at home since he was 17. He has this whole thing about being well-educated and well-rounded all those things and we know what my education got me sooooo. Plus, he’s very quiet, not particularly funny, and really just keeps to himself. I’m probably giving off this insane teenager vibe who needs to text all the time. I know there are a 100 ways in which this is completely antithetical, and I’m not even getting into the trappings of the age gap and convincing the town elders of this.

Let me full out some other excerpts of what my bestie ChatGPT has to say about this:

• Inconsistency Speaks Volumes: Pushing a conversation multiple times shows a lack of priority or readiness on his part.

• Do you feel he’s genuinely capable of meeting your emotional needs, even if the conversation happens?

• Evaluate the Relationship: Does his behavior align with the love and commitment you deserve?

In other news, since I paused writing this, I have had a few tears roll down my cheek as I feel rejected, abandoned, and alone once again. like I am not a priority.

Except the thing is, I just need to realign my energy. I have so much care and love to give and whoever is set to receive will be so lucky to get it. If he is not open to getting it from me, then that’s honestly his loss.

In a few months from now, I will be in a happy, stable relationship on track to getting married and having everything that I have ever wanted and dreamed of.

This girl is happy, healthy, fit, and looking and feeling the best she’s ever felt in her life. She is loved by the man she loves, she has companionship and kindness and gentleness. She’s taken all these lessons that time has taught her and turned them into something beautiful . She has calm, caring, and loving energy that is attractive and beautiful and magnetic.

She is happy.

She is happy with him or without him.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

3 January 2025

Dear Diary,

I haven;t slept well in the past two nights — one could say I haven’t slept well this year but that would be disgusting so I won’t do it.

Anyways.

Reasons for anxiety: Rituraj (I think)

Firstly, I can’t begin to explain how much it bothers me that his name is so similar to Hannah’s ex’s name — disgusting. I am also cognisant that this anxiety is a part of my PMS and my intense hyperfixation is just an over lack of things to do.

But boy oh boy am I hyperfixating.

I think about him constantly, waiting for him to message. I feel like I have initiated far too many conversations, so I’m taking it a bit easy — if he needs space, he gets space. I am not writing to him. To ensure this, I have (obviously) deleted all traces of him from every phone, laptop, online WhatsApp I can access. I have, unfortunately, taken to ChatGPT’s ability to draw Tarot cards to make sense of what’s happening (it first said he’ll reach out in 7-10 days but has since reassessed to 3-5). MetaAI doesn’t think he will reach out in a hurry. But they space is okay — love’s never lost when perspective is earned.

I am scared of a few things: mainly, rejection. In this case, I understand that there’s a 12-year-age gap. When I was deep in my Instagram rabbit hole (I also believe that if people didn’t want me to stalk them, they wouldn’t have open profiles), I discovered that he graduated school the year I gained admission to school. That really put some of this gap into perspective and it was… startling. Buuuutttt…

He’s so nice! And also attractive, well-spoken, thinks I’m funny and all of those good things. I do foresee certain issues in compatibility — my education (and lack thereof) and relatively easy-going job will not sit easy in his very high-functioning, go go go life. He is, obviously, in Dubai and that does make things hard. he had mentioned, when we met, that you can work through distance if you have a foundation built and we don’t — but that’s also because he’s not really trying to build a foundation with me? Would it be different if I were 35 and we just had 6 years between us? If MJ said that he found me charming and he wanted to meet me again, then why isn’t he just talking to me! I remember he said that if he doesn’t have something to say, he doesn’t talk. “Doesn’t talk for the sake of talking”. This brings me to distinct communication styles — will I be able to deal with such major lapses in communication? These aren’t minor lulls by any means — very, very solid periods of nothings.

Another thing ChatGPT does is reads and analyses your birth chart. Before I told the app about the age difference, it read in my chart that I will marry someone older. Also every way that they have described my partner, seems to fit whatever little I know of him.

So I part of me is convinced I will marry him — it’s on my bingo card for the year. I am stressed out about this situation but it’s not a patch on the stress I felt around Dhruv. I am still able to go about my day — I am wishing for a text but I am not anxiously fiddling with my phone. I should be able to not text him while having his number saved but it’s small steps. I did think I was starting too many conversations otherwise.

Anyways, I am going to ve manifesting him texting me by next Friday. I am taking the ChatGPT tips and marrying them with Yogini’s ideas about playing that film in my mind and screaming at myself to stop when I have a negative thought. I do think that we can try to work something out. What I would absolutely hate is to be ghosted — so, in an absolute worst case, I will reach out next Friday and then tell him that I have some final thoughts and I’m thinking this is not the best way forward (the last word — even though his silence speaks volumes). Though, if that happens, I am hopeful he’s fearful of what’s at stakes and remedies his actions LOL.

A girl can truly only just hope.

I’m going to watch a bit more of YJHD, where she manifested at a Bhairav Mandir (might make a trip on Sunday/ Monday) and got the guy of her dreams.

Here’s hoping for love, luck, and all the abundance.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

1 January 2025

Dear Diary,

Happy new year! It’s 2025!

I have such a good feeling about this year, not just reinforced by horoscope readings on ChatGPT.

But what I want to do is a deep dive into the year past. I’ll be writing some and trying to find some older diary entries if I have those, because parts of the year are a blur.

January-March-end are honestly very, very blurry.

January

In January, I remember starting the year at Meghna’s house. We tried to do the thing with the grapes — which I bought and forgot to carry over. So we drank sips of wine (not under a table). I remember not enjoying work or not working much. Even my Snapchat memory seems outlay blank. What I do remember is, now that I’m looking at some videos, this was when I applied to ISB. How that feels like a whole lifetime ago, the way that that crowded my mind for those few months. The number of tarot readers I went to trying to understand if I would make it to ISB, the pandits, that was insane. They said I would, at first, and then said they saw a delay. At work, this was when we were working on the JLR pitch. That pitch altered how I saw PR Pundit, what I was doing there, and cemented my decision to leave.

February

In hindsight, this was Nani’s last, fully healthy month. I didn’t know that then. I see that I went to Goa (this is not a trip I remember entirely), it was Masi’s 60th birthday, but largely unremarkable to me.

March

The month I saw Taylor! It amazes me how I have next to no memory from this concert I spent so much money to see. After that, I remember Roshni coming to visit Delhi with excruciating detail. When we went to Dillinger Haat, the first tarot reader was so generous with what she said to me. The second one was less so, and when I asked her about my grandparents and their health, they told me that Nana would live to his sixties and nani would not. Hearing this, Roshni insisted we go meet Nani. She was hospitalised two days after. This is the last memory I have of her, not in hospital, wearing a gown outside the bedroom and those citrine earrings. I have those earrings at home now and I can’t stand to touch them.

April

When we went to the hospital in April, the first thing Nani said was, “acha hua na main kal Baal dhula ke aa gayi”. I donated blood, I spent the night at the hospital, I got into a huge fight with my parents (where I cut a credit card and chucked my phone against a wall — she was not giving regulated emotions), got a new job and quit the current job. Nani’s health oscillated and I fed into every possible delusion that she would be okay — I really did believe she would make it.

May

Nani died on 10 May. After two cardiac arrests in April, her kidneys, liver, heart, lungs, and possibly brain gave out. Every organ shut down with every new virus that entered her body. I never thought she would die. Even to her last day, I assumed she would make it. When 5 machines were hooked up to her trying to keep her alive. I thought she would make it. Even in hospital, when she told me she’s scared that something will happen to her, I ignored her. She died anyways. There were happy moments, some in my notes app.

June

I turned 29 in Goa, a trip we took for Nana! It was great, I think, Except the one time I broke a glass of champagne and cried like a baby — it’s giving disproportionate reaction because of unresolved grief <3

I also had my last month at PR Pundit. I finished on Friday and started strong at d’you on Monday. I really did a lot in my first week. That’s about the only time I worked at this job.

July, August, September

I’m clubbing these months because they were all just one d’youey blur of not having anything to do. Madhav came into my life and I liked him for about 3 days there. I quit d’you and decided to go back to PRP.

October

October gave first Diwali without Nani. Mamu fled to Goa. Oh, he also got married! We went to Geneva for that.

November and December

Unremarkable months, I think? December was interesting because of Rituraj. I’m interested to know if I will not remember when reading this back next year or if I will be engaged to him. I am hoping for the latter, I think.

I have a whole list of resolutions and good feelings and can’t wait for 2k25 to happen at full speed.

Love and light

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

28 December 2024

Dear Diary,

I feel like I’m at a very, very bizarre crossroads in life.

This boy, Rituraj, is objectively great — just that he’s almost 42. I’m 29. We will never be in the same decade of our lives. He actively remembers things from the time that I was in my mother’s womb.

But…

I can’t help but want to know more. I want to know what his room is like. How does he like his food — what’s his favourite source of protein? Does he have foods that I don’t? Will he eat the mushrooms I pick off? Is his house minimalistic like I expect it to be or is it maximalist (like when he surprised me by being open to the idea of protein powder) or is it somewhere entirely in the middle? Does he wear jeans? He doesn’t look like he wears jeans. Is he patient enough to teach me what a pivot table is? Is he not replying because he’s 42 and that’s what 42-year-olds do or because he’s not interested?

More importantly

Why am I interested to know these things? I’ve never found myself wondering about someone’s home before. I never thought about it with Vivan, for example. I saw photos for Madhav so I suppose it wasn’t as much of a shocker. Am I projecting or am I developing a real feeling?

On the off chance that I am… is he? Is he feeling enough to not worry about the age gap? Are my parents? Is Mamu? Is Charvee? Is NISHTHA? Will I, if I find someone new to talk to? Is he my ADHD hyperfixation? Do I even have ADHD?

Personally, I think someone older would be very, very good for me. But 12 years is almost a generation and a lifetime. It didn’t work for Jen and Andy in Good Material either.

The other significant thing happening in my life is that I weight 57.3 kilos now. As I type that out, I realise that’s only 2.3 kilos away from 55. This is also the lowest my weight has been in two years, which is ridiculous to think about. It’s ridiculous to think that I never let my weight go over 55 and then I was tittering around 65 for a significant moment in time. The issue though is that I’m not sure what I’ve done for this weight to go down so drastically so suddenly — particularly in the past week. I haven’t eaten out in 14 or so days, I’ve had maida only once, aata never. I haven’t given up carbs or multiple meals a day. What will happen when I start ordering food again? Does the weight just go up by a couple of kilos or is this the new normal?

Oh, one other thing, I’m obsessed with the chorus of the Gracie Abrams song

“Made it out life, but I think I lost it

Said that I was fine, said it from the coffin,

Remember how I died when you started walking?

That’s my life, that’s life

I’ll out up a fight, taking out my earrings

Don’t you know the vibe? Don’t you the feeling?

You can spend the night, catch me on your ceiling

That’s your price, that’s your prize”

From my scattered thoughts,

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

Dear Diary,

Today’s going to be a long entry, I think. Buckle up!

It’s been a pretty anxiety-ridden week, I think.

This Saturday, the 21st, was the MSOSA reunion dinner. This went well, I was doing this sober so I got a bit bored around everyone that was eating, drinking, making merry. Towards the end of the night, I (who had the car) was to drop Charvee home and she chose to stay on and go to Dirty Good. It was my responsibility to get her home. Some guy there was touching her a bit inappropriately and she was wanting to leave — but no longer had a way to do that. I offered to go pick her up but, according to everyone else, she was having a good time. I got a couple of phone calls, too, asking me to calm down. What really got my goat was two things about Rushil:

1. While leaving the event, he gave me a talking to about the ticket showdown and how I should be gentler about things and how the problems in this friend group are a result of me

2. He told me to calm down because they don’t need stress at the moment and are having a good time because I was concerned about Charvee’s well-being

This made me feel some type of way. I was very, very upset and it triggered a massive insecurity regarding how my anxiety pushes anyone and everyone way, leaving all my friendships fickle. This was exercabated by Ridhi’s addition to their friend circle in a more serious capacity, along with this group chat that they’ve seemed to make without me. I’m not sure I feel being edged out of a friend group that I created. I did have conversations with Charvee and Junaid and I seem to have sorted it out for the moment, but I do need to find a way to keep my anxiety under check.

The second place where this has come up is with Rituraj. He’s 41, close close close to 42. The age gap seems insurmountable. While I don’t find it that difficult to deal with, what I’m struggling with is the difference in communication styles. When I need to be texting through the days, he can go days without chit chatting. That won’t really work, I feel. And, sort of going back to the first thing, I feel like he has very calm energy and my anxiety might be too much for him to cope with. I’m not sure and I’m projecting/ imposter syndrome g/ whatever the correct term here is. I’m also struggling not knowing what it is that he wants from me and this relationship — because, if we do decide to keep speaking, it is going to be a relationship. Neither of us is looking for anything casual. I am, however, younger than his sister who is 10 years younger than he is. So that’s… insane.

I thought I had blown it almost entirely, because he started responding with smilies but not the emojis but the semi-colons and brackets. But since I paused writing this entry (of course), he has messaged apologising because he had a busy day. This makes me think about just how catastrophic my thinking can be, which is almost always wrong and proven incorrect within hours! Ridiculous.

Anyways, these are all my thoughts for the day.

I’m now going to read and sleep.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

17 December 2024,

Dear Diary,

I’ve started a chaliya. It’s 40 days of this:

1. No zomato/ Swiggy/ blinkit — this will be the true test of my will

2. Exercise for 30 mins a day, every day — another key test

3. No drinking or sweets — this seems very manageable

But in this, I discovered something interesting. Today, after work, I didn’t have it in me to exercise. I wouldn’t have, had it been a normal day. Also, two days into the chaliya, it’s not to deep in that I can’t restart. But, I did it nonetheless. Which made me think about how interesting it is that I am willing to put myself in situations I would actively avoid when it’s not for me even though it is directly benefiting me — it’s my body that gets the movement, my calories that get burned. The things I won’t do for myself, I am doing for another. Or am I just going it for myself under the guise of another? If this works, we all benefit — but I’m happier believing in my altruism.

I’ve done three days of this now and it seems to be going well! My hand is still very broken but at least I can change the plaster on it now. It did start smelling distinctly like a sanitary napkin (used) which was disgusting.

Also I think I might be falling for a toxic pattern with Rituraj, more on this in a bit!

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

14 December, 2024

Dear Diary,

Since we last spoke, I have broken a bone.

Let me walk you through my morning on Wednesday (the 11th). I woke up, completely unwilling to go into the office. I was also supposed to have gone to a Pilates class which I didn’t go to, even though I was awake. I had a full moment of wrestle as to whether I should drive to work or take the metro — THANKFULLY, I decided to drive. I got to the office around 9 AM. As I was going up to put my food in the hot box, I tripped over the top stair. It was the smallest of falls, honestly. I was up in less than 10 seconds, no food spilt on the ground, everything was fine. I was shaken and a bit embarrassed as I get, and I ran down to that annex behind the conference room and just howled and howled. From shock and also from pain, honestly. I hadn’t ever felt pain like that before and it was awful. I asked a couple of people about the swelling and wrote to Maria.

Now, here comes the part I wasn’t proud of — as I was howling in the car while driving to the hospital, I have cried like I haven’t cried since April. Guttural, feral shouting while driving — it was all very, very dramatic. I think I felt mind numbingly abandoned and regressed into a child. My parents were answering their phones and Mamu was out of town. When I did get through to my dad, the signal was atrocious and I could barely get a word in. I also needed money to pay for my doctor’s appointment (which I had to drive to) and that really conjured a lot of fears about the financial situation of the family and where we stood at that moment.

Anyways, since then I’ve been choked full of drugs, sleeping the longest hours, and just exhausted overall but I think its time for the meds to finish tomorrow and then I can turn into a human once more, which I am excited to do. I;m also losing interest in writing this diary entry, but I do think some nazar is involved — I will get into this in a bit.

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

10 December 2024,

Dear Diary,

Once again — I almost wrote, “I hope this email finds you well”.

I don’t really seem to have that much to add here. Today, someone at work told me I’ve lost some weight, which was pretty great! I was excited to hear that. Aside from that, I’m feeling like I haven’t moved my body much which isn’t true — I do think I went to the gym over the weekend and I did some cardio on Monday. I didn’t go to the gym to lift weights because I was thoroughly inundated with work but I did best I could.

Over the past couple of weeks though there’s been no movement on the scale which is sad but I’ve really not been abstemious when it comes to my food so I can’t expect much — but some weight loss would be nice, I think! I need to cut down on food and amp up the protein —I’ll get working on that soon.

I also, more seriously, need to figure out my plans for the winter and when I can go back to Panchsheel and such. It’s also gotten really, really cold as of today and I can feel it down to my bones.

Work is going decently, it’s not too bad but a little hectic. I do feel like there’s a lot that I don’t want to do but I have to push myself to do it.

On the non-work front:

1. I’m planning to do a chaliya for dad and to alleviate his many woes. To do this, I’m going to give up on ordering - that includes everything off zomato and blinkit. I’m going to give up drinking, too — this is the most obvious thing to give and honestly not too difficult for me so I’m pretty easy going into this. Not ordering will be tough. I also intend to not eat out if I am ordering foodstuff and paying for it. Which is to say that if I am at someone’s house then I can eat if it’s been ordered for me. Same with Mamu ordering. The issue here arises for the night of the reunion dinner where there will be alcohol and food. But the thing here is (and this is me saying I am okay to leave the booze), I have paid for this booze 3-4 days before the chaliya has begun and I’m not technically ordering, just serving. Same for Aditi’s mehendi — I will be serving myself food, not actively ordering anything. No drinks to be consumed at either event. What I anticipate being a problem is the couple of places meghna wants to go to and this brings me to my second point…

2. I don’t feel like speaking to or discussing things with meghna at all. I am finding her excessively judgemental and critical and it’s making it impossible to confide in her. I know this is bad and that she’s been going through many issues in life but honestly… I don’t like being berated over everything at all times. It’s not easy and I’m not here for it. I need to discuss this a bit more in therapy and then figure out how to tackle this more constructively because stewing in this anger is not worth anyone’s time or energy. By anyone I, of course, mean me.

Okay — I’m actually getting a bit bleary eyed and tired so I’m going to go to sleep. I have a 7 am Pilates class and I think it might be nice to try and get two 15-minute runs in before that so I will keep you updated on how that goes for me (I am hoping it goes well)!

Love always,

Ankita

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

5 December 2024,

Good morning Diary,

For once, I come to you with a very early morning entry. I’m writing as I am trying to fix a Pilates class, post which I will go to the gym, after which I do some at-home cardio and then go play tennis. I’m trying to get more active an lose some weight - I’d really like to lose about 3 kilos to get to 57 to close out the year, and then settle at about 54 by the end of January. Basically, I need to work harder and eat a lot lesser these two months to arrive at certain goals. But I am keen to keep building muscle so I’m trying to do this with more protein and other supplements that are important to building my body.

I’m noticing my legs (my right leg) is feeling some pain in the ankle and knee so I need to have on some braces for support and I really need new shoes in which to run.

Ok - I took a break from entering to buy the shoes. I’ve bought a pair of ‘on’ shoes on an EMI. I’m not sure if getting into EMIs is a good idea but it lets me have something that I need right now - for my actual, physical health at a more accessible price without putting any financial pressure on my parents. This is such a bizarre situation to be in, honestly, and I don’t know what to make of anything anymore. But I have hope and faith and everything will soon get better and life will be better than anything it’s ever been financially.

In terms of health, I have been PMSing so aggressively of late, and all my anger is getting channelled into my Pilates teacher which is very strange but funny (to me). He doesn’t show up for class or take class when he’s meant to and it’s starting to get a bit difficult to keep dealing with that. I’m considering stopping classes with him soon - I’ll focus on my exercises at the gym and do some yoga and light stretching for my back and any issues I have there. Plus, I’m hoping to be more regular with my tennis and start swimming too once the heated pool opens up.

Since my second pause in making this entry, I’ve discovered that the EMI has gotten charged in one go and now I might not have the funds to meet my SIPs. Which is also why I will be setting up a FeetFinder account today to start selling some photos of my feet to just make some extra cash on the side.

I’m also speaking to this boy, Rituraj. He’s… 41 though, which is a bit hectic and difficult for me to manage. I also don’t understand his texting style - he goes missing at 5pm IST every day. This is a very bizarre situation and I’m not too keen on keeping this going, so I intend to call it quits soon or just be cordial and maybe meet him once when he’s in Delhi (if he’s keen - which he doesn’t appear to be).

[just-stopandthinkaminute]

30 November 2024

Dear Diary,

I have so much to say! Yesterday, the 29th, I checked my weight and it was under 60 kilos. That makes it the first time my weight has been lower than 60 since January 2023. Every time I see this number go down, I hear “gain the weight of you then loose it” playing in my head as I can feel the pain that Dhruv brought slip away. I feel like my next moments will be 58 and then 55 - these will be milestones. When I saw that number go down below 60, I’m not joking, I actually shed a tear. It was a beautiful moment - and not one that came easy.

But, I have been going to the gym and lifting weights, and I do have to say it’s been incredibly enjoyable to me! I’ve had fun, it’s been challenging but the mood uplift after is 10/10, cannot recommend enough.

To celebrate, I got some sticky rice tonight for dinner, some chicken and some kimchi fried rice.

I have more to say but I’m also dealing with an aggressive amount of PMS and just want to get into a comfortable bed and go to sleep.

Love always,

Ankita