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I’m feeling okay about my body for (I think) the first time ever. I’ve not liked it for as long as I can remember, and it’s not changed, I still have a squishy stomach and fat arms and thick thighs with stretch marks at the top and big boobs that don’t fit in a lot of clothes quite right, but I’m okay with it? It’s mine, it’s healthy, and it gets me from A to B. I think that realising that thin doesn’t equal beautiful and vice versa has played a part in me coming to accept what I’ve got. I’ve started seeing that there are so many different types of beauty and that what I’ve been told is beautiful growing up isn’t the only type, and I think that has helped me view myself and others in a new light.

Edit: we’re back to the usual loathing (: 

        (20.07.18 22.47)

[just-some-thoughts-of-mine]

I just love Matt so much. I’ve only been home for a week and I’m already missing him loads. I phoned him today and we spoke for about half an hour but then I ran out of updates for him and stories to tell and he said he didn’t have any of his own so I thought I’d better let him get on with whatever it was he was doing. He’s coming to visit in two weeks but that’s still so far away so we’re thinking I’ll go and visit him for the day one day soon. I just worry that he’ll be really quiet and not very talkative like he was on the phone and most days of the trip down south. I’m so excited to see him though, and to hug him and hear his heart next to my ear, our arms around each other. Ffs It’s been ONE WEEK and I’m already a soppy mess, this boy has broken me and my identity of being heartless.

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I can’t believe I’m actually going out with Matt. This is completely bizarre. I’d been wondering whether he liked me for months, and now we’re holding hands when we walk, and kissing each other on the head/forehead/cheek/neck, both fully aware of how the other one feels towards them. I’ve been on a date with him! (sort of, we’d planned to go already when we were ‘just friends’ but then we told each other we liked each other and supposed that that was the first date). I keep thinking back to about a year ago when I just wanted someone’s hand to hold, and Matt was there the whole time, right under my nose, I just didn’t realise just how amazing he is. I’m just so happy everything is out in the open and we both feel the same way about each other.  ☺️

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I am absolutely terrified. I’ve come to accept that Matt is never going to tell me how he feels of his own accord which means it’s me that’s going to have to initiate that conversation if that’s a conversation I want to have. I Really like him, I’m always happy to see him, he makes me laugh, he picks up on little things that might be a bit off and makes sure I’m alright, my heart beats faster when he starts to lean on me or goes to hold my hand or touch my arm, and then when I look down to see his fingers interlocked with mine it makes me feel something I’ve never felt before. But I am So Scared of losing him. What if I tell him how I really feel and it scares him away? I’d lose all of the things I’ve just listed, and worse of all, I’d lose my closest friend I’ve got here. He’d tell the others and they’d either laugh or pity me, and I’m not sure which would be worse. But if I don’t tell him then I can pretty much guarantee that nothing will happen.

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He’s done it again. I’ve been reduced to tears (bit dramatic, there have been one or two) just thinking about Matt. It takes so little it’s ridiculous. Just thinking about him ‘smiling all day’ at a simple ‘you’re fab’ post night out message gives me that jolt I sometimes get when I think of what we’d be like together. It’s just the idea that me thinking he’s fab might give him the same sort of feeling he gives me whenever he does something like that. I don’t know, it makes the whole idea of us getting together seem more likely, which is stupid, but somehow it does. And the ‘grateful for you’ was a joke but when I allowed myself to imagine that it wasn’t and that it was a stand-alone message, I think the painfulness of coming back to reality is what formed the tear.  

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I'm in desperate need of Matt's kindness, his fingers through my hair, or his arm around my shoulders. Or a hug where his chest is at the perfect height for me to lean my head against, his heart beating steadily right next to my ear while he holds me gently. He's got a weird way of making everything seem a little bit less shit and I could really do with that at the moment.

[just-some-thoughts-of-mine]

Dear Matt

You’ve actually managed to bring me to tears with how wonderful you are. I don’t know if you mean half the things you say or if you just say them to make me feel better about myself but either way, you’re lovely. 

When you said ‘you’re such a good egg, keep being awesome’ the ‘such’ has been stuck in my head since, why ‘such’, what makes you think I’m any better than your standard good egg, and why would you tell me that anyway?

Or today when I thought I was doing a maths question wrong when I wasn’t and you said I just needed to believe in myself more. Do you actually think I’m better than I give myself credit for or were you just saying something nice? 

Or a few minutes ago when you said  ‘you're pretty good at this, like most things’, I know it was a set up for a ‘Britten off more than you can chew’ pun, but you didn’t need to put the ‘like most things’ part in for the joke to work. I know this one isn’t true, I’m not pretty good at many things at all, but still, you said I am, are you wrong or are you trying to build me up?

And when I thought I’d lost my phone yesterday and you noticed me scratching at the skin on the side of my thumbs in the middle of the lecture and you asked me what was wrong. It was one of the many, many times that you’ve shown that you’ve been listening to me. 

And of course throughout the whole stolen bag situation, you could not have been kinder to me, there are far too many things to list but I’ve never had anyone care and look after me like you did then. 

I’m basically just overwhelmed by you and I don’t know what to do about it, there’s nothing I can do really, just say thank you and hope that you know how much I appreciate you. 

I wonder what you’d say if you saw this.

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Matt’s so brilliant, I’m so fucking lucky.

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Well fuck. I’ve started getting that butterfly feeling when I think about the ridiculous possibility that Matt might like me as something more than what we are.

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Another Letter to Matt

You're wonderful; you're caring, you're funny, you're clever, you're beautiful, you make me smile just thinking about you, you make me cry when I think of you unhappy, you're always there when I need to talk things through, you're not afraid to take the piss out of me, I just wish you'd tell me what's going on in your head sometimes, I wish I could help you the way you so often help me, I wish you liked hugs so I knew how to comfort you better, I wish we could talk more openly about how you're feeling, I wish you knew it's okay to need to talk to someone, I wish you didn't bottle everything up, I wish that you'll be truly happy one day.

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I've realised that I half want something bad to happen so I can I have a reason for feeling sad, because at the moment I'm feeling down but have no reason to so I feel like I can't really ask for help or do anything about it, but if something had happened I could talk it through with someone and not feel stupid for feeling like I do.

[just-some-thoughts-of-mine]

A Letter To Matt

They say the ones who hurt the most love the hardest. I can see that when I look at you; when you're concerned for Ben and talk about your family, especially your mum, I can see love in its purest form.

It breaks my heart to think you're only here because you're scared of what it would do to your mum, and I tried to keep it in the other night but I clearly didn't try hard enough because it was me in your arms listening to your words of reassurance not the other way round like it should have been. I was selfish and should have tried harder to be a better friend, I'm so sorry I didn't step up.

You put up this front of being unphased and indifferent so much of the time, and it pains me to think what's really going in your head. When I notice your hands shaking in what I would have thought is a reasonably comfortable situation my heart drops, you're clearly nervous and/or anxious and not as happy as you'd have others believe.

I wish I could make things better, make you feel the happiness I often feel without even trying, my appreciation of life that allows me to see beyond whatever problems I have, I know mine are negligible when compared to yours, I appreciate that, but I still wish you could wake up with even a fraction of the optimism I do, which, admittedly, isn't an awful lot but to hear you always wake up thinking it's just another day to get through and that you never reach the end of the day thinking how great it's been makes me realise how lucky I am to even have what I do.

I hope you realise what an amazing person you are Matt, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love you, you're honestly the most lovely person I've ever met and I'm ridiculously lucky to have you in my life.

I don't know how to end this but just know that I appreciate every second I get to spend with you.

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Just had a big ol' sob, don't even know what it was about but think I needed it.

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Fuck me Matt's cute

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I don't know how I feel a lot of the time. Like right now, I know I should be happy and I've got some brilliant friend and a family that loves me, but I'm also acutely aware that something feels weird. I don't know if it's an apprehension or a longing for something more, I've no idea. I also don't know how I feel about some people, two people in particular.

One of them I've been messaging quite regularly for quite a long time (some point in summer), the other I see pretty much every weekday. I definitely used to have a crush on the first one, but since coming back to uni I've realised that actually he's not interested in me in the slightest and seems to avoid me if ever were in danger of bumping into each other, or they don't smile when they see me at least. Not really the reaction you'd have if you saw your pal as you were walking into uni. Which leaves me wondering why on earth does he message me if he doesn't think of me as a pal? I can only think that I'm just a step up from a diary for him, he tells me what's going on, what bets he's got on, and I'll (usually) respond and humour him.

Okay now the other one, been decent friends for almost a year, had a very respectable Snapchat streak (which I then lost :/) but since coming back to uni I've started seeing him differently. I still see him as someone I care for and I still sometimes worry about him, but there's something else, there's something about his eyes and his nervous laugh that makes my heart beat a bit faster. It's nothing similar to how I used to feel for the first guy though, is it just an extra level of friendship and caring? I don't know. We don't speak as much as we used to either, I think it's just because the group's got bigger, but we were on the same night out about a week ago and we got on brilliantly again, the conversation was flowing, he was mocking me like he used to (in a playful way, not a mean way) and I really enjoyed the night, mainly because of his company. But since then we've gone back to not talking that much again and when we do it feels more forced than it used to be, definitely more forced than it was on that night out. So I don't know how I feel about him either.

So yeah, don't know how I'm feeling in general, and I don't know how I'm feeling towards these two people. Would really love to know and be able to move on with my life.

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