just-ranting2021

[just-ranting2021]

Maybe it’s the hormones but I am getting tired of feeling like a third wheel in my own home and relationship. There is a lot of concerns that should be fixed asap especially since there is only so many weeks left until a big change is happening.. I will to sacrifice my child for anyone and my child is the main priority. 

[just-ranting2021]

Im extremely annoyed at this moment…

First I’m expected to apparently pick up and drop a child even though her mother is somewhat capable then we are expected to look after her randomly whenever her mother makes her demands.. this kid has regressed and desperately needs structure which is not happening currently. im over being a personal taxi and putting more miles on my car then i should be and saving her gas. im almost due to have my first child i deserve respect and i actually plan to take care of my child and put them first. Just wish this human wouldn’t think of only herself.

[just-ranting2021]

There’s somethings that I need to get off my chest because either I’m going to self sabotage my relationship or I’m going to get answers that I’m not ready to know. Firstly I’m almost 8 months pregnant with my first child and my partner’s second. my obgyn lied about an appointment that they had with me but they never spoke to me personally and everyone keeps saying I “missed” it, it’s hard to miss something you weren’t aware of , also no one has faith about me breast feeding even though I just want to exclusively pump but they don’t think I’m going to last long.

All of a sudden phone is constantly vibrating sure it could be the multiple notifications but when there’s many pretty girls that are fat on your Facebook and not to mention your psycho ex who doesn’t like me what am I supposed to think.. it wouldn’t be so bad if we weren’t going on 24 hrs of you not saying I love you… obviously being pregnant with our child it can be complicated and I’m not up for back and forth custody threats or struggling or anything of the sort but if we’re done then I would prefer the decency of ending it and us making a plan for when our child is born and stuff like that. I’m obviously still very much in love with this dude but I don’t know and I’m very worried that his feelings have gone to someone else.. I don’t want him staying just for the baby I want to be happy too.

[just-ranting2021]

Just exhausted

New year but same old stress... 

So I know I suck at saving money but I dont make enough to pay all my bills plus have gas. Currently bawling because I won't be able to get the tax from the government that comes every 3 months because they have my old bank account but whatever wasn't able to talk to an agent because they are so busy. Asking my narcissistic family to help is like pulling teeth and frankly they dont care. my fiancé is acting like an asshole pardon my French and frankly I am not convinced he wants this child... he claims he has a job but he hasn't been into work, has another interview this coming week for a better job but probably won't take it. or even do what he says and send me back the peony we need to live. We will never get married because we dont have the money to do so, we have nothing for our child and yet its my fault for wanting two incomes.. I get sleeping in till noon is nice but in order to survive here we need two incomes or we can say goodbye to internet , power, living , cellphones like everything I am already behind on my credit card and I am also trying to go back to school which his job “training” interferes with that also as it goes on the exact times I have classes but who cares right ... I want things to work out but im losing hope and this stress isn't good for me. He doesn't seem excited about this child we have coming this June and if that is the case we should go our separate ways so I can live my life without having someone that is just a glorified roommate that brings in no money! but then the question goes to if we do breakup would he say the things he does about his ex would he say those about me, would he threaten court because unlike him now claiming he would win custody he wouldn't win if that happened with this child. First of all I would be a better parent then his ex and then I have a full time job, yes I have horrible family but that's support, he literally hasn't worked the whole time we were together so what does that say?? I dont know I want this to work and I want it to get better but im losing hope... 

[just-ranting2021]

I have had a lot of crappy shifts but this one takes the cake. I am currently limited to what I can do due to growing a life. I have nose sensitivity and I get nauseous and gag very easily anyway normally working a shift I tend to stick to myself and bend over to take whatever my shift partner is handing me. Well today I almost actually walked out on my shift.. 

It started with being asked to go sit out in the freezing cold livingroom because where I work there is no heat allowed, long story but confidentiality. anyway fine I go out and it feels miserable, I lose feeling of my toes, I breath weird and I just dont feel good. But I listen and mind my business, then without clearing with me I get volunteered to make hamburger helper, I have a meat intolerance and not to mention the smell and look of beef makes me want to throw up. So I start panicking I am trying to find coverage for the remainder of my shift but I know I need the money so I decide to stay. I decide that I will just text my coworker and let them know I can't because I am allergic and it makes me sick. WELLLLLL that goes out of proportion they asked won't you get sick if its cooked in the house, yes there is technically a change I will gag while preparing FOOD! I know where this is going and so I say ill just make it I will figure it out. I then get accused of leaving shift partners alone on shift and that if I want to leave to find coverage but things are expected of me and I must do them as they can't do everything. 

Side note its not my fault they took control of the whole shift and ran it themselves. 

I get told that I can be sitting in the office the whole shift ...BLAH BLAH BALH. 

First I defend myself against being told I leave shifts and abandon coworkers when to my knowledge I have only done that once and it is due to me having a medical crisis and I needed to go home but I had cleared it with my coworker and there was coverage coming, Secondly I inform them that my manager is aware of my medical reasoning and I am not required to share with those I dont want to and this particular person is one of those people that don’t need to know. I tell them that if a particular situation arises then I will be unable to assist due to safety and again that is known to my boss. I end by saying I will cook the food, so I go do that and this person is just being fake. I gag and bawl because I am forced to do something I am uncomfortable with and being someone that has had their consent taken away by a guy it triggered me. Then I serve the food and head to the office where I bawl uncontrollably and gag more. They had asked for my manager’s name so now I am fearing I am going to lose my job because they are a team lead and I am just a front line staff. I talk to a coworker who tells me I have nothing to worry about and to call my coworker in the morning. I have also emailed her expressing my need to discuss something. I am hoping tomorrow I still have a job and that they dont take the side of this employee that is clearly abusing her power. I am scared by trying to be positive. 

I am drained from anxiety and ptsd I feel like I ran a marathon. This shift is the worst and I can't wait to get home ... 

[just-ranting2021]

UPDATE

Things with the fiancé are good I am finally getting through my trust issues even if they still come up some. my only hope is that soon he finds a job and we can be a two income family and relieve some stress in my life. 

My biology mother went psychotic and is now out of my life , she invalidated my mental illnesses and blamed them on my adopted family..even though I have a diagnosis from an actual doctor. I blocked her so I could get a break and de-stress. Bad idea! she went off at my fiancé about how he turned me into trailer trash and called him a child mol3st3r which is completely false I have no idea where she pulled that from. I knew I couldn't forgive her and that our relationship is over. I can't have people like that in my life. I reached out to my grandmother and family to ask for forgiveness. I suspected that my bio mom lied about what happened with them. We now talk often, hoping to get my matching tattoo with her covered soon. 

A few days ago I reach out to her again to let her know about some life changed and how I am now with child. She told me she cared and seemed reluctant to be happy due to my fiancé. Clearly some problems there, I explained to her that what she said was wrong and it wasn’t okay. She told me she “hoped the red flags were gone” and that she meant what she said about him. I knew then that there was no chance she was stuck with her warped opinion and that wasn't going to change. I told her mother what happened and she told me this is pretty typical of her to do. 

my adoptive mother has started to show her true colours , also aware of my current medical things you would think that she would stop causing so much stress, wrong! She continued to tell me that I should welcome back my bio mom in my life despite her saying heinous things just because she also got the same things said to her. First she didn't like my bio mom but now that someone else has a tainted view of him she wants her back. I now know that isn't possible and have expressed that too her except she rarely respects my decisions and tries to sway me or force religion down my throat. I do admit I have attended church due to the fact that I need extra support with what is going on but I am unsure about it, Anyway this occurred today, I had to go get bloodwork done and I had to pass my parents house to get back so after I got my tests done I headed to their house to get a snack and a few things before leaving for town. I was asked by my parents to drop something off to my aunt who was staying at the hospital with my grandmother reluctantly I agreed, I will be refusing to do anything like that again due to what occurred. I got to town and headed to drop it off, I parked in the lane and waited for 10 minutes while my adoptive mother was giving my aunt wrong information , told my to go in which was impossible and would risk my health and once I was honked at and left then she walked outside. I was called mean and told that it was my fault that my aunt didn't walk outside and that my grandmother had yet to eat her lunch and that my aunt had to be screened again. I was demanded to go back but I didn’t. I was stressed and overwhelmed, not to mention in tears. I was told that I “duped” them and that I chose others over my family... blah blah blah. I headed home crying, told my adoptive dad to ask my adoptive mother to stop as she was adding more stress that could be dangerous to my health. He sounded like he would and hung up. Now I am at work, completely drained and have a massive headache.. all I want to do is go back home. I dont have patience for anymore things today... 

[just-ranting2021]

Spreading Rumors

So my fiancé and I are finally happy, I have changed my number to prevent getting toxic messages from his psycho ex and we talked about other issues. We should be good right ? no one could possibly try to mess with us now right? WRONG 

I am attending a fellow teammate’s wedding because who doesn't love weddings also I am excited for my own. I get there all is good I am looking bomb. Another one of my teammates who just so happens to be the oldest on the team is there. That’s fine we get along in fact I would call her a friend. She Is chatting away when she is like “ oh I got a message from your fiancé” at first I was a little taken a back because my trust issues are extremely and I have bad mental health. She shows me a message that was earlier in the week and it was sent around 1am. My fiancé said “Hey” she responded with “ Did you need something” Personally this wasn't weird as my fiancé doesn't get to sleep and will randomly message people to see if they answer. That doesn't bug me I go to bed early . 

She continues to talk about it like my partner wanted to sleep with her , again all he said was “Hey” and I got the feeling like she was trying to convince me he did something wrong. I messaged Eric and he told me exactly what I said. Couldn’t sleep and was bored, this chick is above 40 and isn't a good football player and sucks uo to coaches to get good positions which she doesn't deserve, I stay somewhat upset because im tired of bullshit like this excuse my French. I leave and my fiancé talks to me about it laughing and after some time I laugh too and was like she crazy. 

A few days pass and I have to drop off something to this teammates daughter who I also know.. Well I can't really remember who Brought it up but I just confirmed with her that this wasn't out of the ordinary and that he was bored and just wanted to see who answered. She begins telling her daughters partner and someone else who we know (I met her through the daughter). She begins to say that it was inappropriate and again I get off this feeling that she’s trying to convince me that he was cheating and trying to booty call her, I felt like screaming “HE DOESN”T EVEN LIKE YOU AND CAN SEE YOUR A HORRIBLE FOOTBALL PLAYER”. I start to get anxious and we start talking about each others sex lives and I was told that my partner is selfish and its not good but everyone has their own preferences of what they like to do and dont. If he doesn't like to do something then I am not going to force it or break up with him due to it. 

I am now terrified that she is going to continue telling people “her side” and that it will make my fiancé look like a cheater and me like an idiot for not doing anything. I am honestly dreading playing on the football team because I dont need this drama and im not sure I should. I do know that if she does start affecting his “character” I will be taking legal action... Guess I know who my teammates are and who my friends are.. and no they are two separate things. 

Also if “Hey” means a booty call from a random human maybe its time to re-evaluate your life and to stop having a ho phase in your late 40′s its not a good look especially since you want to get married again. 

oh well one less person to tell I am married. 

Now to see if I will have the desire to play the sport that I love or if I will continue to have no interest due to this... 

[just-ranting2021]

Feeling like I really don’t fit in your life

Feeling like there’s someone else

Always deleting messages to you

Your happy now but will you still be happy when we leave

Why won’t you show me any affection

Worried if we have intimacy I may catch something ….

Why am I broken

[just-ranting2021]

So annoyed right now ...

[just-ranting2021]

I don’t know how much longer I can do this

I don’t have much strength left

All my hopes and dreams are at stake

And a chance of losing a real true love but also losing myself if you stay ...

I just want to be a priority and to feel like we will have a future if not please leave ...

[just-ranting2021]

You did it..

You assured me you wanted to marry me ... 

But you don't work to help pay bills I am drowning with.. 

You refuse to give me a realistic time frame about kids and the longer we wait the more years are growing between your child and ours... 

You talk to many people and barely to me 

the many messages you send a day and yet you leave me on delivered or read 

you put your ex first when she shouldn't be, I should come before her if you really cared. 

You never touch me and I basically have to bug you for sex .... 

Where did I go wrong ??? 

The worst thing is a little bit of my heart still loves you so I don't want to tell you to leave.. I bought you presents that you liked and can't tell you its over because I don't want them delivered without giving them to you... I don't want someone else to have you so I keep holding on .... 

But in the end I have given up on being enough for you and I just hate you... 

[just-ranting2021]

If you think any r*pe is ok then get out of my life

If you think and say that gangs do it this way oh well, then go join a gang

I’m pretty fucking tired of feeling like I have no body you won’t even ducking hold my hand

Whoever you want now leave and stop pretending to give a shit about me.

[just-ranting2021]

What if I don’t want to get better

What if I don’t want to make up dreams of what the future holds when I don’t see one

I want to find something stronger something that can quiet thoughts for good ...

Yes this is what I am saying but maybe it’s what I want. I’m tired of everything I’m stuck

[just-ranting2021]

July 24th, 2019

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

We had been together for 5 years, with hopes of moving in together soon. We had just celebrated your birthday days prior and we talked some about getting married. I paid the tax for my own promise ring because I wanted it so badly, I made sure to never ask for anything because you would want to be paid back or deny it. But I didn't complain when you bought yourself am atv because it made you happy and it was something we could do together. I basically lived at your house and recently started a new job which left me sleeping a lot because shift work sucks. You didn't like that because you wanted to go out and do something. So you started hanging out with her, she was my teammate and only was interested in the same gender so I wasn't worried. You guys went clubbing many times and you got home at 4am but you were having fun so I kept my mouth shut so I wouldn't lose you. When I found out my cousin had unexpectedly passed away you comforted me as I bawled my eyes out. I will always have that memory even though I don't want to remember it. When I went to go see my family and grieve my cousin, you and my teammate shared the same bed. Because she liked the same sex it wasn't wrong right? Wrong, that hurt me. I had opened up to you about my previous sexual assault so you knew but that didn't matter to you. On July 24th, 2019 you did the unthinkable, we were being intimate but it wasn't usual and it was something that I didn't like but I knew you enjoyed it so I gave it a try again. By my facial expressions I was uncomfortable and you asked me. I told you that I wasn't enjoying it and it hurt. You confirmed with me that I wanted to be done this and I said yes. Yet you held my hips and wanted to do a few more strokes so that you could get off. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, texted my friend and realized what had just happened. But yet because we were dating I went back and let you finish, but you r*ped me. Shortly after we broke up because yes I stayed with you until you dumped me. Eventually I went to the cops and made my statement, you confirmed my story but you got away with it. Just because a judge didn't deem you guilty doesn't mean you aren’t a rapist. You raped me that night! 

[just-ranting2021]

How...

how do I tell someone I am struggling ? 

That the look of me makes me want to cry but I have no energy or motivation to get up and get better

How I hate that I exist ? 

How do I say I am not okay after down playing how bad it really is ?? 

Just how 

[just-ranting2021]

Convinced that if I was gone

No one would care

No one would miss me

No one would cry for me

Not suicidal just depressed

[just-ranting2021]

Very confused

You applied for a job that’s 30-45 mins away

That I can’t drive you too

I can’t move back there because of the travel and verbal abuse

That your ex is moving back to

If your going to leave then leave