journeyofthephoenix

[journeyofthephoenix]

Day 7: Resttttt

I have completed first week of FBG.  (Again)  And my eating has been absolutely on point.  I still feel lost.  I eat my BMR worth of calories at a minimum and try and stay around 2000 calories...i feel like maybe its too much or maybe its not enough...Ill read more on the matter.   

[journeyofthephoenix]

FBG day 2 Complete!

[journeyofthephoenix]

FBG Day 1: Legs and Glutes

In Addition to FBG, I’d also like to complete: Stomach Vacuum: 3 sets 1 minute 30 Day Burpee Challenge Completed FBG in: Fit Test for 30 day Burpee Challenge (2 minutes AMRAP):

[journeyofthephoenix]

Fitness Goals 2017

- 5 Chin Ups/Pull Ups - 20 Deep Pushups - Pistol Squats - Ninja Tuck Jump - 5 minute plank - 8 minute mile - 20% body fat - Box jumps on the 3rd platform - Muscleups - Back Squat 100kg (PB 70kg) - Front Squat 75kg (PB 35kg) - Deadlift 150kg (PB 95kg) - Chest Press 75kg (PB 40kg) - Shoulder Press 100kg (PB 48kg)

[journeyofthephoenix]

GOALS

[journeyofthephoenix]

In 2010, 6 years ago,  I weighed 263 lbs.  I was in my first year of university, living with my boyfriend and clinically depressed.  I have always been a bigger girl but I really didn’t know how I got to that point.  I mean I was huge, the reality check came at the doctors when I saw the scale....I don’t know how I didn’t notice it in the mirror.  I don’t think I owned any jeans or sized pants...so it was easy to put on the weight without any warning.  I gained 50 lbs in under a year.  After the trip to the doctors office I knew something had to change.  I began making smarter food choices and going to the gym three times a week.  Making sure to do about an hour of cardio and select a muscle group for weights.  The first three months I dropped 20 lbs.  The next three years a dropped around 10 lbs a year, and a lb or two here and there until 2016.  In the summer of 2015 I was anywhere from 206-213 lbs and a size 12-14. I knew something had to change.  With me moving around so much for work, and having all my meals provided for me, it made it vert difficult to make much progress...to me it felt painfully slow.  I found a fitness camp...In Chalong, Phuket...yeah Thailand.  And I knew this was something I needed to do for myself.

In the spring of 2016 (with the help of a tax refund), I finally booked my dream trip to Titan Fitness Camp!  I was so excited to be finally going!!!  Now only to wait 6 months. The more people I told, the more questions I got: “Why are you going so far?  Can’t you just do that here?” “Wow that must be expensive!!” But honestly...It was pretty reasonable for what I was getting, and since I don’t have a mortgage and no more student loans, It was just about the same price as it was to live in Canada just with cheaper food when eating out! After spending 8 weeks, and making some amazing friends from around the world I came back with less than I left with: From 39.9% body fat to 31.2%!!! In eight weeks. That translated to losing about  16 lbs in fat and gaining about 5 in muscle.  Something I am so proud of myself for.  I am so happy with the results Ive achieved but I still have more work to do.

It’s amazing how well Ive been able to maintain, but honestly its hard to gain weight with an active job.  I’m actually more surprised I’m not really losing weight or inches.  But that could very well be me not eating enough calories.  For not, I am just trying to make the best food choices I can. and remain active.  Keep my lifting as close to my new found personal bests as possible.  After all, when I can only hit the squat wrack one week of every three, realistically there is going to be some losses there.

I was doing fairly well (workout wise) with a new fitness program I purchased called the Fit Body Guide from Anna Victoria.  He program appealed to me most as I want a toned body and there was more weight lifting aspects incorporated.  I was three weeks in when I was hit with a difficult like obstacle...after a lot of soul searching, denying, and crying...I decided to walk away from the man that I love...who I believed was my soul mate...if there is such a thing.  I was emotionally devastated and went into shut down mode.  I got out of bed to work and once I had completed what I ABSOLUTELY needed to, I went back to my room and curled up in a ball and sobbed for three days straight. But it just goes to show, just how negatively hes affecting my life now...and even though it hurts...and I’ll miss him dearly....hes no longer a person I can have in my life...so it is time to move forward.  I can’t have someone in my life who destroys me for days at a time, taking away the moments I could be having in the present instead of fearing the future and wallowing in the past. Be Present. That is what I have to do. Live my life now.  Not thinking about what I did yesterday, or worrying what I am doing tomorrow.  Living my life day by day. Today I am getting back into the routine of the Fit Body Guide.  And Sunday just so happens to be rest day!  I have my 20 pound dumbbells with me and although they will probably be a little heavy for some of the exercises, I’ll just take it slow and concentrate on my form.  I also took new before pictures, as now I plan on fully documenting my journey.  Tomorrow is day one! Show me leg day!

[journeyofthephoenix]

Bucketlist For Experiences! February 26th, 2017

-I’m hoping having this as a digital copy will help me when I watch things finally get completed!

- Drive a motorbike - Bungee jump - Skydive - Surf - Dive - Go to Europe!      - See Big Ben      - See the Eifle Tower      - See the Leaning tower of Piza - Go to Greece <3...Okay just - Explore the globe - Audition for a musical Learn: - Fly fish - Bow Hunt - Hunt - Guitar - Piano - French - Spanish - Surf - Pole Dance - Twerk Become: - Certified personal trainer - Nutrition coach - Certified Yoga Instructor - Massage therapist

[journeyofthephoenix]

Enlightened

The theme I have been fighting with as of lately has just been self improvement; whether that be mentally or physically.  Using all the tools I have to give myself the BEST chance for happiness.  As of right now, I am taking the poison out of my life...taking the people out of my life that cause me pain.  Some of these people are very obvious choices, while others I have long struggled with the denial that our friendships had run their course.  First step: walking away from a man that I had long thought to be the love of my life.  I feel like I have been dreaming this for so long.  And now I have come to a state of truth for myself.  This is all jargon I don’t usually use...but it is the best way to describe things.  

Now when I first started writing this, it was in a really polite, manner of fact style.  But the truth is: I haven’t been so livid with a friend in so long.  My very “best friend”, the girl who I considered FAMILY, has left me feeling so fucking gutted.   I have long standing belief that you should have some friends that you would do anything for...and in return you should just know that goes both ways.  So color me fucking surprised when I see that this girl who is supposed to be like my second sister, is talking to the man I was involved with.  After telling me how much she “fucking hates” him.   Well I’m sorry but I don’t typically strike up a conversation with someone who makes my blood boil.  In theory, her reasoning for hatting him, if it were me...would make it so the mere thought of him would make me wanna find a body bag for the fucker.  Any man who has ever fucked her over is dead to me.  I have watcher that girls heart break and I would Never talk to anyone of those deadbeat assholes.  So when I was already having a particularly hard day...deciding to walk away from someone who really meant a lot to me because my relationship with him too, had run its course.  I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be...and he wasn’t what I deserved...to see that my best friend, was not only talking  to him at all but leaving him a flirty teasing message on a picture on social media...I felt so betrayed.  Now maybe I’m over reacting...but maybe she has put her need of validation from men before her loyalty to me... It just really goes to show...who in this world will tell you that they would do anything for you.... And those who are just talking shit.

[journeyofthephoenix]

Acceptance: Present Day

Today I feel enlightened.  After three years of being madly in love with you, I have gained the strength to move on with my life.  I am sure I have cycled through the stages of grief over the last two month.  I had so much love...blind love, for you and I let that get the best of me. I gave up a lot of the things I wanted out of a relationship in hopes that you would have me: you wouldn’t. You  didn’t want me the way I wanted you, and you never did.  I don’t think that you’re a bad person...although I have a lot of anger in my heart for you.  I let your insecurities tear me down.  You had a lack of trust for females, so much that you didn’t want to have a labeled relationship with me.  You would tell met hat we were “good friends”. I’m sorry, but we long past “friends” the moment you decided to be inside of me for the first time.  The moment that you kissed me and told me how beautiful I was. The moment that you told me all of your deepest fears while I stroked your curly, redish-brown hair and rubbed the pale skin on your freckled back.  The moment you called and told me you loved me for the first time...after two and half years of waiting to hear what I knew in my heart to be true....at least...that’s what you made me believe you felt. Now days, I’m not so sure.  The girl who loved you, she swore up and down that you were a good friend to her. That maybe you didn’t want the official label but at the end of the day it was her.   But the girl...who has opened her eyes...she sees that you’re nothing but a coward.  Maybe you just used me because I loved you...and you didn’t care who provided you with that security blanket so long as you had one at all. I am so tired of making excuses for you. That you grew up in a family that saw nothing but divorces or that your ex’s cheated on you.  These things are terrible but they can’t define you.  You have to be stronger than your past or you’re just bound to make the same mistakes.  Eventually...you wore me down.  I started to believe that the problem, wasn’t yours, but mine.  I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough for you:  that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough...that I just wasn’t worthy of your commitment. This is NOT ACCEPTABLE. And if you cared about me...for even a second, you would NEVER have made me feel that way.  You would have recognized that you were causing me pain and walked away.  But you never did, you were selfish in that.  You had me on a string like a puppet, and you watched me dance as I tried over and over to prove my worth to you. You were so terrified of affection, you would even recoil should I even try to cuddle you.  Sometimes you would even pull away if I tried to kiss you.  Do you know how that made me feel?  I felt like a monster....like I was something to be feared...that wasn’t fair to me...but still you would message me everyday, just to talk.  I remember, so many times, begging you to let me go...if you didn’t want the same things as me...to just let me go.  And you never did.  I used to think that one day we would be together, how could we not we had such incredible chemistry.  But it wasn’t enough.  The amazing connection, the friendship, the adventurous sex...nothing was good enough for you.  So part of being with a man who wants an open relationship, is that you too are in an open relationship.  I recently visited my home town, where I hung out with this amazing guy...I could act out on all of my desires...and he made me feel so wanted...and special.  I forgot how it felt to be completely  myself and do all of the affectionate things I wanted to do for someone, without feelings as though I would be scolded, or punished for it.  It was so easy to be around this other man...that it made me realize all the things I was sacrificing, fighting to be with someone, who couldn’t see how lucky they were that I was fighting so hard to be with them...to prove myself to them.

But here is the kicker: the person you deserves you...you don’t have to prove anything to them.  They can simply see, and feel that there is something beautiful between you.  All I ever wanted from you...what to know that...I meant something to you. That I was a significant piece to your life...that you didn’t want to go without me...but you couldn’t even tell me that.  You recoiled your “I love you” and chalked it up to the fact that you were drunk and...you didn’t mean it.... And I deserve so much more than that.  I loved you so much I would let it consume me.  You were the one person I would do anything for...and I learned that...there was nothing in this world, that would make you see, or care that to me...you were the love of my life. So today is the first day I am living without you.  I have removed every piece of you from my life: no email, phone, Facebook.  You’re gone.  And maybe one day I will be able to talk to you.  But I cannot talk to you, I cannot let you manipulate me, and change mind.  The tricks you pulled with me, are nothing short of emotional terrorism.  Part of me, is terrified to be without you...but you don’t deserve me...I know this now.  And it might take 2 months or two years before I can look at you without feeling like I have had the wind knocked out of me...but you won’t always be my curse.  Because you are the worst kind of person for me.  I won’t let you cage me anymore.