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journalrants · 5 months

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Can't EMPHASIZE enough how much I grieve childhood that I could have had. Like, people won't allow me to ever talk about it because... I could have had it worse, or from some stories it seems solid or some stories make folks so damn uncomfortable they just brush it off with a socially acceptable equivalent of "That's rough buddy."

Back to the point, I haven't heard enough discussions about how many things in childhood... simply aren't possible in adulthood. I hate how my parents were always telling me to work hard as a child so that I can have a better life as an adult (+ plenty of unnecessary rules and punishments to set me 'straight')

As a child I could have done some silly things in school and could have had moments of iconic cheekiness, for example, my classmates would sometimes pick a theme for their friend group(+others who would wish to participate) to have as a B theme in every english(+other languages) assignments, usually something random like a singer's name or whatever but sometimes they would go a step further and choose something kinda taboo for school, and it was hilarious when the teachers had to rank assignments and there was this random name or a phrase or a word in almost EVERY SINGLE one of them.

And I just wasn't allowed to have that or my parents would verbally or/and physically punish me(depending on the severity of the taboo theme). I hate how my friends could just stay after school for SO long, meanwhile I had to get back pretty soon to help out at home or ELSE.

I hate how when we would have presentations my classmates would insert memes into them and spark enjoyment in an otherwise boring setting, I had to make mine as formal and professional as possible(or with the subtle bearly visible memes, sometimes). I hate how they could vandalize the old damaged property and I couldn't simply because I was afraid if my parents found out.

There are so many more examples. All of the above was pretty harmless even within the school itself, but my parents were THAT obsessed over their image that they wouldn't let me do any of it regardless and made such a big deal out of every little thing I tried. Like, I was either stressing if my parents would find out or low key hating myself for ruining our classes' union.

And for all of my hard work... can't say I got anything out of it aside from the obvious benefits of consistent studying, which other B+ students had as well as fun childhoods.

The worst part is... that now as an adult, being formal and professional is actually a necessity in terms of having a job, so yeah, guess I just missed out on lots of fun is all. (*breaks down crying*)

#childhood #tw child abuse #child abuse #grief #tw grief #school #mental health #missed opportunity #toxic parents

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