josiahsterling - Tumblr blog

[josiahsterling]

when my time comes / forget the wrong that i've done / help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

TW: DEATH, BLOOD, KNIFE, INJURY, MENTIONS OF DRUG ADDICTION, PAST OVERDOSE

Josiah had gone back inside, feeling a little more level headed. In all, he'd say tonight was a success. The anxiety felt more like it came from the throng of people, not that small part of him that he knew would never quite rewire the same way again. That was something they'd talked about a lot back in rehab. This wasn't a choice he made, it was how his brain worked now. Recovery meant working every day to be the person he wanted to be. The son whose parents didn't worry about leaving alone, the brother that could be there, the uncle that could love that little girl like she was his own. Maybe...maybe the partner someone would want. Someday. That thought was more complicated. Him and Jamie were complicated. Always had been. Jamie was all in, from day one. Threw himself wholeheartedly at a boy who wasn't in the shape to treat anyone gently. And he'd come back to a man still trying to atone. He knew what Jamie wanted. He just...wasn't sure it was what the two of them needed.

That's the thought he's mulling over, absently stirring a Diet Coke, when the lights cut out. The reaction is instant. Total panic. He has to admit, he's spooked too. It's essentially pitch black in here, and with everyone running around, he can't just stay here unless he wants to get trampled. Can't stay. He needs to find...Jamie, Nell, Jesse, Danny, someone. He had to make sure they're okay. The foreboding sense he'd had all night, which up til now he'd chalked up to an unease at the way Jamie was acting, had reared up, and the longer he couldn't find anyone, the worse it got. "Jamie? Jamie!" He's trying to push past people, trying to see if he can make out the taller man in the crowd. "Jesse? Danny? Nell?" He's looking around, trying to find someone. He doesn't know what's happening, and he can't just worry about himself. It's not how he is.

Someone grabs him, and for a second, he thinks it might be one of them, and he doesn't even really care which one it is. Before he can fully turn to try to see them, there's a searing pain in his side. He screams, in surprise, in pain, in shock. He feels like he's moving in slow motion, but whoever's on him now decidedly isn't, and more pain shoots through him as they keep stabbing. He doesn't know how many. Could have been four, could have been forty. He doesn't know. Adrenaline's the only thing keeping him upright, and he tries to run once his head stops swimming, finding his limbs almost too heavy to move. The fabric of his shirt feels hot, sticky, and a feeling of revulsion washes over him when he tastes copper. He doesn't need the lights on to know it's blood. He can feel it seeping through his shirt, running down to his jeans, dripping onto the floor.

He's not actually aware of how far he's managed to get, the pain and the blood loss making him collapse. He just...lays there. He needs to get up. He needs to keep going. He can't lay here and die. He can't.

The house party had been his wake up call. It was some out of town thing, with people he barely knew. But their stuff was always good, so when they'd asked of course he'd said yes. He lost track of how much he was taking, downing a drink when it was handed to him and definitely not turning down the guy who'd been eye fucking him all night when he handed him a couple pills. He's not a lightweight. He'd be fine.

He woke up connected to machines, his mom and dad not even looking at him. When he tried to talk, his throat felt dry, pained. They had looked at him in something between alarm and relief, their eyes red. He didn't know what had happened. The last he remembered, a guy in bright blue eyeliner had flopped onto the couch he was on, putting his head in Josiah's lap. How--

He'd overdosed. On what they couldn't tell him until he remembered what he took or toxicology came back. His heart had stopped. He'd been dead. He felt like a cliche, coming home and realizing only now that this had gone too far, gotten too bad for him to just fix it himself. He had to...He didn't know yet, but he had to do something.

He has a similar thought now, even as his vision goes spotty. He has to do something. He's so close to one year. Three weeks. Twenty-four days, really, but close enough. Twenty-four days, and he's hit his goal. He's so close. Three hundred forty-one days down. Twenty-four to go. Twenty-four. He's so tired. He's cold. Someone's in front of him, and he flinches. Tries to tell them to leave him alone, don't hurt him. Help him. He needs help. He needs his mom.

They're trying to talk to him, trying to press against the wounds. He's vaguely aware of being lifted. His vision is swimming, fading in and out. He doesn't remember dying the first time. If this is what it is, it's...it's warm.

[josiahsterling]

"Yeah, guess so..." Jamie had seemed...off, all night. Something was up, but he didn't know how to approach it. He had a bad feeling, though, that foreboding kind of thing. When they said Fox had managed to avoid coming out tonight, he laughed. "Lucky you, then? Or. Maybe them. Who's luckier when your choices are watching the baby or dealing with the town's drunk nonsense?" He didn't mean it maliciously. Kids had never really been on his radar. He liked being an uncle well enough, loved Nova with his whole heart. But parenthood? Definitely not something he was ready for.

"it's good that you have jamie to support you," seren liked working with josiah and jamie. obviously they didn't know too many details but they knew the two were close with each other. they smiled fondly at the mention of their own lover. "they roped me into being the face of the wheeler family today," seren chuckled.

[josiahsterling]

"Guess it's a little different when everyone's drinkin' like teenagers in the woods. Isn't exactly like an auditorium full'a parents, y'know?" He laughed, shrugging. "Yeah, I'm...alright. Jamie said he'd come with me, be around if I, uh, needed it. Y'know." Seren was one of only a handful of people he'd been somewhat honest with, even if he hadn't told them all of it. "Wifey at home with the little one, or are they millin' around, too?"

seren nodded, "yeah, you would think i could handle it like i do choir concerts," they chuckled, moving to lean against the cool brick of the building. they moved to look over, "you doing okay?"

[josiahsterling]

Josiah needed air. Again. This night wasn't as bad as he'd hoped, but. If holding a memorial at a bar was supposed to boost morale or something, it seemed to have the opposite effect on half the people. How do you even begin to make small talk somewhere like this? Even talking to Jamie felt...stilted. Something was off, but he couldn't place it. So, outside. Air. He's only mildly surprised to see Danny out here, but one look at the state of him, and...yeah, that checks out. His eyes are somewhat red, but his pupils look normal. Looking is just a habit he has. He worries about Danny, not that he'll ever say that outright. He's pretty sure the younger man would stop talking to him entirely if he went all guidance counselor on him. "Please, I'm off the clock, Josiah is fine." He laughs, smirking at Danny's antics. At his complaint about his own appearance, Josiah just shrugged, still laughing. "Well, in the first place, when I dress up I tend to do something about that mop of hair you've got goin' on. And it helps to accessorize with something other than scraped knuckles. Makes you look like a goon. Have you had, like, any water so far?"

@josiahsterling​

Danny isn’t drunk enough to enjoy this function yet. In fact, all he can think about is how much he wants drugs to make this whole thing slightly more manageable - but he doesn’t have any, not yet at least, so instead, he sits on the curb outside the club with a rum on the rocks. He knows he will walk back in and have to bring his usual facade - the class clown, pretending nothing bothers him - but in this second, he needs to sit with himself and process the last forty-eight hours. The dried blood on his knuckles that he scratches at is a usual reminder of the day-to-day reality of his mind. Approaching steps pull him back to reality, and he picks up the drink again, grinning up at the familiar face ‘‘ ‘Ello Mr Stirling - ’’ it is turned on so quickly, the slick grin accompanied by a goofy smile. ‘‘ you gotta tell me your secret - how the fuck do you wear this shit and make it look good? Because I just look like a fucking prat.’’ 

[josiahsterling]

Josiah needed some air. He'd only come out at all because he knew Jamie and Nell would be around, and his one year mark was fast approaching. Three more weeks, and that black chip is finally his. He felt up to taking the jump. Exposure therapy, or whatever, right? But it had ended up being the people that overwhelmed him. Seemed like the whole town had packed in here, and the fire hazard environment made him feel stifled. "Seren." He sighs, glad if he's going to run into anyone out here it's him. "Sorry, dude, I just...lotta people in there, yeah?"

@hidehillstart

the night felt like it had dragged, he was never one for memorials. they stretched, making their way outside. being inside the building was starting to feel constrictive. they let out a yawn before jumping when they saw someone out of the corner of their eye. it took them a moment to recognize who it was. "oh, it's you. i guess i'm still jumpy."

[josiahsterling]

"Alright. But, hey, it's an open offer, okay? Anything changes, just show up." He pauses. "Uh, maybe text me from the porch if it's not, like, an emergency, though." Jesse's not in the forum much, and the two of them haven't really had twenty seconds that seemed like a good time for a hey by the way my ex is kind of back in my life and my house and-- Yeah, no, that wouldn't be an ideal way for him to find out. "Nah, not for that. I think I'd be more weirded out if you weren't worried." At the mention of a security system, Josiah nodded. An alarm was usually enough of a deterrent for people who weren't fugitives. Hopefully it would be enough. "Good. Honestly, I'm surprised more people didn't get one, all things considered. But that's probably hindsight."

Jesse was just a little anxious, he had these tendencies, especially after everything he had been through. "I don't know. I feel like We are okay here.. its like a safe area." He said as he paced a little bit. "I'm not crazy for being worried right?" Jesse said looking at his brother. "My security system is pretty good." Jesse didn't like how these events were playing out.

[josiahsterling]

Josiah blinked, staring at him for a moment. Nothing good ever followed do not freak out. That was, like, rule of life number one. Maybe number four. Either way, he braced for the worst, and was...less surprised than he thought he would be. Truthfully he'd been expecting something wild, like Alara just texted me or I'm hiding Alara in the hallway closet or something equally stupid now that he thought about it for more than half a second. This was...not ideal. But not quite worst case. "You, ah, you and Nova gonna be alright here? Or do y'all wanna crash with me or Mom for a bit? I would say I don't think she'd try anything knowing there's a kid in the house, but. Apparently no one in town really knew her at all."

Location: Jesse's House-Horwich Status: Closed @josiahsterling

It was times like these when family really came in support. That was something Jesse struggled with growing up due to his lack of family. But through time he overcame his ways and learned to allow people to support and help him. "Okay so, do not freak out." He paused as he looked at his brother. "But the night of St. Patricks Day when mom was watching Nova, after the party, Me and Alara came back here and slept together." He said as he looked at him. "She's been in my house, she's been in my bed, she knows where I live.... and she's out free." he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, he never thought she was capable of such things.

[josiahsterling]

"Hey, let's not try to give 'em too much slack. They were all adults. Knew plenty well what they were doing. Some people are just...built wrong, I guess." Josiah hadn't been close to any of them, had known of Carter from high school but that was where the connection ended, really. He found it hard to have sympathy, or concern, or anything other than a sense of revulsion.

@hidehillstart

"So there's one of them still out there? I can't believe it, they were so young, just kids, and to some of their own friends," Julian couldn't fathom the idea of wanting to hurt another person and even to that extent, it just seemed inhuman.

[josiahsterling]

"That one?" Josiah tilted his head in the direction she seemed to be looking, raising an eyebrow. He makes a slghtly disapproving noise, moving his hand in a so so sort of motion. "Strong 6. Maybe a 6 and a half? Which...makes him, like, basically an 8 for y'all, I think?" He chuckles, mostly joking.

Location: at the fair Status: Open @hidehillstart

Dylan was walking down the path looking at all the booths when a cutie caught her eye. "Okay, on a scale of 1-10, how cute do you think that guy is?" she questioned, she was tired of this lonely sexless lifestyle. She was frustrated all everyone seemed to care to talk to her about was Charlie.

[josiahsterling]

There's something bittersweet --and ironic-- in recognizing the faces in your AA meetings. It's a given in small towns, but there's a difference between pretty sure i've seen him at the gas station and you sat behind me in art class and always kept extra erasers because the ones the school supplied were awful. you didn't write in blue ink but you kept blue ink pens on you and thank god you did because i preferred blue and i was always losing them. Seeing Nell here, knowing even though they'd both tried running in their own ways they ended up in the same place, it felt...strange. He's glad he'd not on his own. He hates that she's in this too.

Her admission doesn't surprise him. Makes him a little sad, sure. But more than that there's...a bit of pride. Look for the silver lining, right? The whole town had suffered an awful loss, had been repeatedly handed nothing but fear and pain, and that's not even counting what else he knew Nell was going through, and here she still was. "But you didn't." He says, looking at her even if she won't look at him. "Nell, I've been handed a beginner chip, like, three times by now. It's not...I mean, I haven't gone two years yet, but I know it's hard. It's always hard. But you got through it. That's, actually, pretty impressive."

@josiahsterling

LOCATION: Outside their AA meeting

𝐍𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐇𝐄𝐑 reasons for coming home would be enough heartbreak, knowing that there was nothing she could do for her little brother. Her best friend. Leaving him felt selfish in retrospect the sicker he got, when in reality, going to rehab had been the first thing she had ever truly done for herself. She attended meetings religiously, but had been met with both the greatest blessing and yet another shattering heartbreak. Her lips had parted in a silent you too, a question she had never thought she'd have to ask. Not to him. Friends since children that had been pulled apart, now brought back together again. Nell had never wanted it to be like this.

She hugs her jacket against her chest as the cold air hits her, a far cry from the clearly broken heating system that either ran boiling or simply not at all. "Jo." She murmurs, eyes unable to leave the parking lot. She's embarrassed. She never thought she'd be back here. "I almost had to give in my chip." Two years. It would all have been down the drain, but at what cost?

[josiahsterling]

Before he could respond, Jamie's hands were on him, and his own came up on instinct at being grabbed, his eyes going wide the second Jamie kissed him. His hands drop from their defensive positioning, and he lets himself have this. He's selfish. He's so selfish and he's stupid, and-- and he doesn't follow when Jamie starts to pull away, really. He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, a dismissive noise.

"You're ridiculous." He mutters, laughing almost sarcastically. "You...you shut me out, which, like, fine. I get it. I-I fucked up. Really bad. But you decided to stay no contact. I...I almost died, you know that? No, you probably didn't, because I went through that alone. I went to rehab, I-- I tried, so hard, for years. I kept fucking up. But I fucking made it. I did this, on my own. A-and now? Now that I'm not some fucked up party boy snorting God knows what off of someone's bathroom counter, now that I'm not some fuck up who can't stay clean more than, like, a month and a half, now you come sweeping in talking about loving me."

He should tell Jamie to get out of his house. The memories he brings back are complicated, painful. But they're beautiful. He's beautiful. The way he looked bathed in purples and blues in club lights, the way he never seemed to wake up in a bad mood, even when the come down had Josiah feeling like he'd been hit by a truck. The way he used to look at Josiah like Apollo must have gazed at Icarus, reaching for him, desperate to hold him, even as the other hurtled to the sea below, dooming himself with his own hubris, reaching out like he needed to try anyway. But it was never Jamie's job to save Josiah. Save him, no. But he would have liked having someone in his corner.

He can't tell Jamie to leave. He doesn't want him to. Their history is complicated and it hurts but this could be the only chance he has to soothe it. If he rejects Jamie now, this could be it. He drove him away once, when he was sick and selfish and blind. He said it himself. Neither of them are the men they were before. He looks at Jamie, really looks at him, and the choice feels like it's made for him. "I missed you, you dick." And then he's craning his neck and reaching up on his tip toes to press his lips to Jamie's again, gentle at first, like he's still not sure if Jamie wants this, wants him. One hand rests just on his jaw and wraps to cradle around his neck, his fingertips absently brushing against his hair.

˙ ˖ ✶ Josiah

"Because I never stopped loving, and if you think for a second that the guy I fell for was the crazy party boy, then you're just wrong. I fell for the guy who was so sweet he'd make my kids breakfast, the one who took interest in what they liked and actually helped them achieve goals that I couldn't," Jamie sighed with relief as he was finally let in, grabbing Josiah's face the first chance he could and bringing their lips together. "If you're not the same man, then give me the chance to know who this Josiah is, let me fall for him too,"

[josiahsterling]

He sighs, heavy. He knows he fucked up. He fucked up a lot. Jamie had tried to be understanding --with the power of hindsight maybe too much so-- but he had his rule for a reason and Josiah couldn't deny that he'd crossed a line. He could have ruined everything for Jamie. So why was he here? "What's there to talk about? Neither one of us are who we were before. You can't say you still love me. You don't even know me anymore." But he opens the door anyway, giving Jamie a choice.

˙ ˖ ✶ Josiah

He couldn't deny how seeing him made him smile so easily, his heart beating faster at hearing his voice. Jamie couldn't help just how much he wished he could reach out and touch him. "I do, and I always did, but I don't think you remember, I gave you one rule. Just one Josie, and you broke it," he mumbled. "Not in front of my kids, that was it and you showed up high as a fucking kite once, that's why I had to cut it off, I didn't want to, hell I fucking loved you, and...I still do. So let me in please, so we can talk?"

[josiahsterling]

Josiah had an addictive personality. He knew that, obviously. It's the source of, like, at least 70% of his problems. This is a long winded way of saying when he went to toss his red bull into the trash can it bounced off the other million and two cans already there and hit the floor with a loud ping. Swearing to himself, he's about to walk over and pick it up when there's a knock at his door. Weighing his options, he sighed, cramming the empty can into the trash and begrudgingly cracking the door open. "Oh, now you need to see me? Funny, that's a real 180 from what you said to my face the last time."

@josiahsterling

Jamie was sick and tired of fighting with Josiah, trying to get a word out of him only for the man to run away each and every time. It was exhausting having to chase him, so once he finally tracked him down, it didn't take long for him to show up at his doorstep. "Josiah, open up, please. I need to see you."

[josiahsterling]

@hidehillstart

location: the washing basket

"Uh, I wouldn't use that machine. They've had a work order on it since, like, at least last week. Just watched it eat someone's quarters when I first got here." He didn't go to the laundromat in town often, his own washer and dryer being perfectly suitable for the job. But, of course, his old dryer had heaved its last breath, and he's still waiting on the new one to come in. Hence, laundromat. "I swear they had an out of order sign on it the last time I walked by."

[josiahsterling]

"Well, since that attack happened anyway, that rules out it being all three of them." Josiah shrugged, adding another packet of sugar to his coffee, staring into the way it swirled as he stirred. "It could still be one of them, though. Max did say it was at least two people. As for what the cops know, clearly they're putting the cart before the horse."

Location: Mel's Diner

Open @hidehillstart

"So do you think they did it?" Alara turned to the person close by as she placed the bacon in her mouth and bit into it, placing the rest back down onto her plate and raising an eyebrow. "I mean if they did do it I would be shocked but also would they really arrest people on just a gut feeling from a tip? They have to know more right?"

[josiahsterling]

The thing about never leaving your small town was you learned the best places to go when you needed to be surrounded by people, and you learned where to go when that sounded like the worst idea you'd ever heard. Maybe it's stupid to look to be around less people right now, safety in numbers or whatever, but that was the current mission. So Fig Beach was perfect, the air coming off the water this time of year making the mild temperatures just this side of unpleasant for a day spent in the water, meaning there's practically a zero percent chance he's being disturbed by overly excited students or their parents.

He walks along the cliff walls now, almost lost in his own thoughts, blissfully free of worries about shadows or jail cells or whatever other news cast he's probably missing, when he hears another voice for the first time. Looking up, he nods in greeting. "Short of getting in my car and driving and never looking back, this seemed like the best option. Wasn't expecting to see anyone else out here."

open: @hidehillstart location: fig beach

Nestled in amongst the cliff walls of Fig Beach, Harrison sat idle; perched on a large rock face that overlooked the gentle, rolling waves. Welcome back to Hidehill. He felt like he hadn't had a second to breathe since he'd been back and craved stillness, if only for an hour. He closed his eyes, attempting to tune in to the sound of the water, clearing his mind of the shadow, of Ana in jail, the whiplash of finding out Nadia was in town...everything.

Harrison wasn't sure how much time had passed when he was interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. "Trying to escape too?" He greeted, turning his head slightly to meet theirs.

[josiahsterling]