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[jordanandlaylathoughts]

4x20 (Layla’s thoughts)

He said it. He admitted that he has feelings for me. It’s not what he said that keeps replaying in my mind but how he said it. How can he be so sure that I feel the same way about him? Have I been that obvious? Now it’s not that I don’t feel the same way because I do. I’ve been incredibly lucky to be on the receiving end of his love. Yes I said love because somewhere between my heart getting broken and him helping me pick up the pieces, our feelings changed. Every look is different because time stops when our eyes meet. Every touch makes me blush and raises my heart rate. I’ve always had love for him and I always will. But now I’m in deep and I’m scared. If anything he’s been the only constant in my life and there is not a single part of me that believes that he would intentionally hurt me. He is the most respectful person with the biggest heart. He treats me like a princess. He’s the only one who can look at me and not see everything I’ve been through in my eyes. He actually wants to be my friend. He is my person. Possibly my soulmate but I can’t risk it. *ugh why am I emotional*. Every other man I’ve ever known has hurt left me for someone else. So I guess I’m scared of not being good enough for him. Staying friends takes away the expectation of being the perfect partner. Everyone else left as soon as they saw the past facade I put on. I guess I wasn’t comfortable enough to be myself. It’s like they had this idea of who I am and as soon I deviated from that mould, they looked for someone better. Not Jordan. He has invested so much time on learning the real me that the thought of trying to put on a fake persona makes me feel sick. If we cross that line, us breaking up will ruin everything. I’ve never been so connected to someone and I’m not willing to lose that. So I’m crossing that line with every intention to love his as much as he loves me. To try to not be perfect for him but to be real. To keep this relationship raw and real. To do everything in my power to not lose him. That’s why I showed up when he lost his starting position. That’s why it’s been so easy for us to tell each other what we wouldn’t tell anyone else. It’s why I put my hand in his. To feel that excitement I always feel when he touches me. It’s why I made sure he knew I was at his game and why I waited for him to come home. It’s why I kissed him even when he gave me a moment to pull away. Watching him walk away with a smile on his face is 10 times better than watching him walk away in disappointment. I never want to make him feel like that again so I refuse to deprive myself of something good. As he walks away, I feel lighter because he knows how I feel. I have feelings for Jordan Baker and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I won’t admit I’ve fallen just yet because I need to be careful but I feel it in my heart that this is something I need🤍

This is a little all over the place but I’ve hand the urge to write and I finally did it. These are my thoughts as the come and nothing will be pre-planned😬