jonquilkoenig

[jonquilkoenig]

Text 🍜 Dylquil

Dylan: It’s cool, I don’t know if I’d pick up the phone if you called me that many times either. A recon about who? What’d you hear? A disgruntled pledge making a sad attempt at a prank. I already fixed most of them already but i missed yours.

Jonquil: You wouldn't? Should I be offended by that? I would've picked up your calls if I'd noticed you called at all but my phone is completely off when I'm trying to get information! And nope, sorry, Dyl! If I say what it was or who told me I'm giving away my sources, and as a journalist that stuff is sacred. And besides, it doesn't matter, it was a dead end. Huh. Bad prank. People need to get more creative when it comes to that sort of thing.

[jonquilkoenig]

Text 🍜 Dylquil

Dylan: Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. All the numbers got deleted from my phone and you were one of my most recent numbers so it got mixed with the Karpyt Eats driver, and he was running late.

Jonquil: I'm the one who should be sorry, I didn't pick up even once. I was caught up in a recon mission but it was a bust anyway, no good gossip came of it. Why were all the numbers deleted from your phone?

[jonquilkoenig]

Text 🥺 Loquil

Lola: Yes, you are! You could get like HALF drunk and then you’d forget all about worrying about if you make mistakes or not! Not that you even make any that are that bad anyway! What would I even have to SAY about myself or other people that wouldn’t be better said about you!

Lola: I thiiiink All of Auradon would’ve let you know by now if they thought you were an uggo. Also probably your mom too since that’s like literally her job.

Jonquil: I don't want to forget about worrying! If I forget to worry, then I'll just make more mistakes, and drunk mistakes don't just go away when you're sober! If they did, well, that'd be another story lol. I don't know, anything anyone says about other people is way more interesting than what they could say about me! I'm boring and I like it.

Jonquil: My mother's job is not calling people ugly. She's a celebrity reporter, sure, and she likes talking about hair and makeup and clothes, but that doesn't have to translate to insulting people! And besides, she loves me. She wouldn't call me ugly to my face. I don't think anyone would, would they? People don't really do that?

[jonquilkoenig]

Text 🥺 Loquil

Lola: But YOU’RE the funner one drunk! What’s the point of me being chatty when you’re not doing funny stuff for us to chat about?

Lola:…According to Genie Search it is ✨I✨ that has never seen a Chia Pet. Idk what that is but it is NOT something i’ve ever slept on because it scary. The soft cute thing I was thinking of was actually a PILLOW Pet!

Jonquil: No, I'm not! Or at least, it's not fun enough being drunk to stop worrying that I make mistakes. And you can always chat about stuff that's not us! Like you can just chat about yourself, or other people!

Jonquil: A Pillow Pet makes a lot more sense, thank you! Because I was seriously starting to question whether or not the son of the Fairest of Them All was secretly an uggo.

[jonquilkoenig]

Text 🥺 Loquil

Lola: But whyyyyy? You’re THEE best person to have around for drinking and I miss it!

Lola: YES ofc it was a compliment. Have you SEEN a chia pet, they’re so soft and adorable and great for napping on! Just like you!

Jonquil: I can be there when you drink! I love being around drunk people, they're the chattiest people that exist lol. I'll just stick to water or something myself.

Jonquil: I have in fact seen a Chia Pet which is why I wasn't sure it was a compliment or not because they're not that cute if you ask me. You've napped on a Chia Pet? Wow, you'll really just fall asleep anywhere, won't you?

[jonquilkoenig]

Text 🥺 Loquil

Lola: You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable.

Jonquil: Thanks? Flattery's not going to get me to get drunk with you if that's what you're going for though, sorry! I've made a pretty firm decision not to do that again for a while lol.

Jonquil: Was that even a compliment? I mean, no offense to Chia Pets, but they're not even that cute?

[jonquilkoenig]

TEXT 💬 APPLE KIDDIES

Rosalie: Someone said we’re out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying ‘but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Jonquil: Okay, it's official, I need to quit the alcohol altogether. I keep making mistakes that could embarrass me at best or ruin things for me at worst.

Jonquil: Did anyone else see the meltdown? Please say no.

[jonquilkoenig]

which current and future royals do you think have big scandals in their future, and which do you think will manage to go through life without causing any kind of scandal at all?

It’s impossible to predict because you never know, but frankly, I have my eyes on the Charmings. @chad--charming has had his fair share of scandals, and @ellecharming is on her second engagement. I cast no judgement their way at all, but it does seem like if something big and headline worthy might happen, it’ll come from them. I predict @rosalienxthale and @deliallyr will make it through life without causing scandals and not just because I don’t think I’d have it in me to leak stories about my sister or my Delia.

honesty hour!

[jonquilkoenig]

how do you feel about going old school and writing letters?

I think that technology is easily hackable and so going old school and writing letters could work way better for keeping secrets, so long as you don’t leave any copies lying around and keep your letters hidden somewhere secure.

honesty hour!

[jonquilkoenig]

what appeals to you the most about the reporter life?

It’s objective and honest and cuts right to the bone of the human condition. I’m also pretty good at it, if I can brag for a second, and being behind the scenes just works well with my personality. 

honesty hour!

[jonquilkoenig]

have you gotten any secrets that you're just itching to report?

It’s a part of the job, but despite your curiosity, you’ll have to wait and read about it like everyone else.

honesty hour!

[jonquilkoenig]

text 💬 jorquil

Jordan: People in the break room at work are arguing over why the country's named Auradon, which, first of all, let me say is SUCH A BORING ARGUMENT.

Jordan: But one guy is going to bat for the argument that it means 'hill of light' and is swearing that when the sun is out Auradon City rises to a higher altitude than when the sun is DOWN??? Like??? How is this man not being fired for being on drugs right now?

Jonquil: It's such an easily answered question too, if they were able to score an interview with Queen Belle. It was her husband that founded it, after all, and he's not great with words so I'm sure the name fell upon her. Otherwise maybe we'd be living in Beastville.

Jonquil: I almost want to throw him a bone because we do live in a land of oddities at times but um... yeah, no, that man ought to be fired. I can't believe he's one of the minds behind the news. How upsetting.

[jonquilkoenig]

TEXT 🍔 JONMER

Shimmer: Like when people lose their families, their friends, their money and all their things, that kind of life ruining! Were you yelling at other kitchen utensils while drunk? 👀 As far as drunken weirdness goes, I don’t think it’s that embarrassing. At least you didn’t like throw up all over everything or like try to marry a random? Plus You could always play it off as like a bit or something?

Jonquil: I wasn't yelling at anybody or anything as far as I know. Suffice it to say that looking back, it was kind of embarrassing and it's just luck that I didn't lose a friend that day. I'm not really the kind of guy that does "bits", I'm not sure that'd be believable, but I'll keep that in mind. Are there people out there who get all propose-y when they drink? 👀

[jonquilkoenig]

TEXT 🍔 JONMER

Shimmer: That is so fun! As long as you’re not like getting into weird drunk fights or ruining your own life with drinking, why cut back? I don’t know? You were like screaming so it could’ve been a lot of people but it was a party so idk maybe no one but me heard you!

Jonquil: It depends on what you count as "ruining your own life" but for reasons I'd rather not disclose, I think the less alcohol, the better for me going forward. Others being sloppy drunks is fun and gives me something to report on but I'd rather not give anyone anything to talk about. I'm hoping nobody but you noticed that at all, really. How freaking embarrassing.

[jonquilkoenig]

TEXT 🍔 JONMER

Shimmer: You yelled at the kitchen sponge and asked for the Krabby Patty secret formula. I’m pretty sure you were drunk. Are all journalists like that or is that just a you thing??

Jonquil: I'd love to pretend it's a journalist thing but the truth is I'm just a bit of a sloppy drunk. I think I'm going to have to cut back on the alcohol. Did anyone else see that unfortunate outburst or was it just you?

[jonquilkoenig]

TEXT 💬 JONRITA

Rita: Babe, you can always get an advanced listen! I need someone else to appreciate it before I play it and you're refreshingly honest.

Jonquil: That's me, Mr. Refreshingly Honest! I appreciate it, Rita. I'm sure I'll have nothing but good things to say though if history repeats itself.

[jonquilkoenig]

text 💬 jonginia

Virginia: You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you.

Virginia: You claimed it was for 'investigative purposes' but I fail to see what you were investigating.

Jonquil: I didn't mean to push, but you're a fellow journalist, as well as a great friend; I figured if I could get anybody to agree to my research, it'd be you.

Jonquil: If I give you more details, is there any chance you'd change your mind? I'm not asking for much. Just five minutes of your time and maybe a good fifteen minute make out session, or however long those usually last.