johnnydeppaintshit-blog

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

Fuck You Men

This is going to be a post about how much I loathe men. I don’t care if it bothers you, or if you’re going to scream about “misandry” or some other bullshit. Men fucking suck and they ruin everything with their bullshit entitlement and assumed objectivity. 

I just got a chat from a man, lets name him Crocodile Dundee. CD says he has been reading up on mental abuse and thinks he is a victim of it.

Now, I DO NOT think that men are immune from being abused or that it is impossible for them to experience violence from their partners. However. What men think is abuse (or oppression), is the absence of power. When men feel (emphasis on feel) powerless they scream “ABUSE!” and “OPPRESSION!” and “REVERSE RACISM/SEXISM!!!!!@!!@1121!!”

CD says he is being abused by his wife because when they fight she threatens to leave him. I asked if she hurt him in any way or manipulated him into doing things so that she wouldn’t leave and he just says “No. We fight and she says she’ll leave and then the next day nothing happens.” That is not abuse. That is not domestic violence. That is probably a toxic relationship that needs counseling or to dissolve, but it is not a woman with power and control exerting it over her husband. 

And I don’t know if this is another point to be irritated at, or if I’m just being sensitive, but he starts a chat with me at 2 am, as if he is actually in a crisis and needs emergency personnel. 2 am chats and calls are supposed to be emergencies, that’s why they are at 2 am when most other people are sleeping. If I get a call from a woman at 2 am needing shelter for her and her children, it’s because she was just violated in real time and needs to leave immediately. So essentially, he could have been holding up the line for actual emergencies or crisis’.

I had another man call me a few nights ago, lets call him Cuckold Man. Cuckold Man found out his wife is cheating on him and he feels that he has been abused because of this. Previously before cheating on him, they separated and she stayed at a shelter “but [Cuckold Man] never hurt her!” He says he needs advice on how to confront her about the affair...I asked if he was afraid of her and he said she was just crazy and unpredictable and he didn’t know what she would say.

This is not an emergency. This is not a crisis. This is not even a situation I can help with in any way because it was 2 in the fucking morning and mediators/therapists aren’t open then. He called me at 2 am because he felt entitled to. He wanted to force a stranger to listen to his sob story and then validate his feelings of victim-hood. He knew that no resources would be open then, he even said he had an attorney on retainer so he didn’t need help with that either. He just literally wanted to call a crisis line at 2 am, tell them he is being abused by his cheating wife, and then get patted on the back for “being so strong.” 

Not only was it not an actual crisis, but it sounds like his wife is the one being abused, not him. She had to stay at a shelter for Christ’s sake! You cannot imagine how many men call the crisis line to complain about how their partners got an order for protection against them or are staying in a shelter and how they’ve been wronged by their crazy shrill women. Again, perceived lack of power=abuse, in a man’s brain.

Yet another man called me about a week ago, saying he was being abused by his ex-wife. He tried to justify it by saying his daughter is a medical professional and said he hit “all 5 points of domestic violence.” Lets call him 5 Points. By the way, there are not 5 points to hit, there are an infinite amount of ways domestic violence can appear, there is not a diagnostic manual that lists the “main 5″ like you have diabetes, or asthma or something. So already I’m thinking “bullshit.”

5 Points starts telling me this long story about his ex-wife and how he is just so worried for her because she is seeing a “nasty guy.” This Nasty Guy does drugs, and sleeps around, and feeds their kids meth, and manipulates 5 Points ex wife, but “she just doesn’t see it!!!!” 5 Points did not want to report to CPS about the meth feeding (my guess is because it’s bullshit), and he did not want to file a police report. He wanted me to somehow coerce his ex-wife into leaving Nasty Guy, “for her own safety.” 5 Points was not happy when I responded with telling him she is living her own life and if she needs help she can contact us and we’ll help. He was upset because she “doesn’t know she is being manipulated!!!#121@@!@!!!”

5 Points decided to call me at 4 am to try to force his ex-wife into doing what he wanted, because he didn’t have control over her anymore. He considered this to be abuse against him, urgent enough to call a fucking crisis line. 

These are not rare occurrences. I’m going to continue to get calls like that as long as I work at the crisis call center, because men fucking suck.

Men walk through life in an entitled privileged bubble where anything bad just bounces off of them for other people to deal with. If for some reason something doesn’t bounce off, it is considered a “THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY,” a “THREAT TO FAMILY VALUES,” a “THREAT TO THE NUCLEAR FAMILY,” a “THREAT TO THE ECONOMY.” If something doesn’t bounce off of a woman, it is considered neurotic gossip.

Fuck that. And fuck men.

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

Velma

I’m almost legally blind without a visual aid (according to my eye doctor, but he may have just been trying to sell me goods and services). I’ve been wearing contacts since I was 12 when I decided I was tired of being bullied for wearing glasses and “being ugly.” I still wear my glasses before bed or in the morning before I get ready, but for the most part I’m wearing contacts.

I also struggle with disassociation and derealization. Being disconnected from my mind/body makes it difficult to pint point triggers for disassociation and therefore I usually have no idea it’s happening until it’s done. It feels like this: you know those allergy medicine commercials where there’s a blond mom outside playing with her kids, but everything is blurry and dizzy because of her horrible allergies? Then her allergy fog is lifted and the screen peels back so everything is clear and she no longer is suffering. She was fine playing with her kids in the fog because she didn’t really notice it, but without the fog everything is so much better. 

Wearing glasses for too long triggers my disassociation fog because it so similarly resembles being in the actual disassociation fog. I feel unreal and out of focus when I wear my glasses outside of the house for more than a quick errand, and even then I struggle with staying present. Because I’m supes poor, I can’t afford to get contacts as often as I should, so I have been without for over a month. I’ve been disassociating consistently for over a month and it’s been exhausting. 

I finally got contacts today! I feel like a human again! I can see clearly, I can put on my makeup without being two inches away from the mirror, I can lay down without smashing glasses into my face, and I can see from every angle out of my eye and nothing is dizzy. I’m very excited. It’s really important that I feel human (gee, really?).

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

Adult ADHD

I’ve been struggling. A lot lately, a steady amount my whole life. I always felt like something was wrong or off, but I couldn’t ever pinpoint it. I’ve struggled with disassociation and disconnection from my mind/body, so I didn’t even identify that I was struggling at all; I was just living. 

I’ve always said that I bullshit my way through school and undergrad. I can talk myself all around a topic and make it seem like I know what’s what, but sitting down and actually learning the information, retaining the information, and then being tested on the information is almost impossible. The exception is when I really enjoy something, I can remember it. I aced my English tests and papers in high school because I could retain the knowledge almost photographically. I failed every single math test I have ever taken, and cheated my way through all of the math homework. I would fall asleep during those classes because my mind just couldn’t focus.

But I didn’t realize I wasn’t focusing. I thought I was lazy, or stupid, or (in my pre-Heathen days) really sinful. I just wasn’t trying hard enough and that’s why I didn’t “get it.” 

I’ve never been able to sit still, or even stand still. Either my legs are shaking up and down, or I’m crossing and uncrossing them. I sway from side to side while standing. On numerous occasions, an ex thought there was something wrong with his car because I was shaking my leg so hard it was shaking the whole vehicle. I always assumed this was something I inherited from my family: my mom has been shaking her legs for as long as I can remember, and my grandma has restless leg syndrome (which has also been passed down to me, thanks fam). None of us are ever still. I’m just now realizing why that is.

These are some symptoms of ADHD. 

I’ve been diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and generalized anxiety, as well as an eating disorder and insomnia. For this I’ve been seeing a therapist consistently for a few years and she recently recommended I see a psychiatrist. I’ve been alive on this earth for 27 years, and for the first time ever, a medical professional suggested that I might have ADHD. I very quickly dismissed the idea because of my preconceived notions of what ADD/ADHD is and looks like:

1) If you’re hyperactive, it’s because you chose to not sit still. You can fight the impulse and should, in order to be a normal human. 2) If you’re bored with something and can’t focus, tough shit because life is hard and that’s why they call it “work.” 3) If you can’t keep a job, it’s because you’re lazy and would rather just stay home all day doing nothing. 4) If you interrupt someone else, or are impatient at all, it’s because you’re rude and a bad person and don’t care about others. 5) If you lose things or can’t keep track of homework and assignments or test dates, it’s because you’re an entitled Princess and just don’t care about being smart or doing anything productive with your life. You want to be a drain on society. 6) If your home or desk at work are messy, it’s because you’re disorganized and dysfunctional.

NONE OF THAT IS ACCURATE.

According to Dr. Gabor Mate in his book Scattered, ADD/ADHD manifests itself mainly due to childhood experiences and interactions. Dr. Mate suggests that ADHD is an attachment disorder developed in childhood due the child’s sensitive disposition and the environments reaction to it: 

“Any force or pressure of whichever sort, no matter how good the intention, will be experienced by the ADD toddler, child, adolescent, or teenager to a highly magnified degree, and will generate counterwill of greatly heightened intensity. A vicious cycle ensues. The tendency of the ADD child is to behave in ways that evoke disapproval and attempts at parental control. Disapproval makes the child feel more insecure and promotes acting out, and the parent’s controlling responses deepen the child’s automatic resistance.”

Adults with ADHD often experience low self-esteem, not because of having ADHD, but because of the environment and experiences that help develop it: 

“The association between low self-esteem and attention deficit disorder is not that the first arises from the second, but that they both arise from the same sources: stress on the parenting environment and disrupted attunement/attachment. In its earliest origins the core self is forged in the attunement contact with the parent. Its healthy development needs the atmosphere of what Carl Rogers had called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ It requires that the adult world understands and accepts as valid the child’s feelings, from which kernel the core self will grow. A child taught to still the voice of her innermost feelings and thoughts assumes automatically that there is something shameful about them, and therefore about her very self....When I explore with my clients their childhood histories, emerging most often are patterns of relationships in which the child took care of the parent emotionally, if only by keeping her inmost feelings to herself so as not to burden the parent. ADD adults are convinced that their low self-esteem is a fair reflection of how poorly they have done in life only because they do not understand that their very first failure–their inability to win the full and unconditional acceptance of the adult world–was not their failure at all.”

This low self-esteem and feelings of failure color everything the individual with ADHD does, and disconnection from mind/body/self can occur. I know it did with me. “Since having a strong core self relies on one’s acceptance of one’s feelings, being out of touch with one’s emotional side puts one out of touch with one’s self. What then remains to be esteemed? Only a false self, a concoction of what we would like to imagine ourselves to be and what we have divined others want us to be. Sooner or later people come to realize that this false self–wanting what they think they should want, feeling what they think they should feel–does not work for them. When they look inside themselves they discover a frightening emptiness, a vacuum, void of a true self or of intrinsic motivation. Many a time I have heard ADD adults say, ‘I don’t know who I am,’ or, ‘I don’t know what I want to do in my life.’” 

My therapist and I have figured out that I do “feelings” backwards: I feel the emotion and then try to figure out what triggered it. I usually have no idea what caused the feeling and it often feels chaotic and like I have no control whatsoever. I can make a plan to do something I enjoy, but I might not be “feeling it” later and so the activity has now become unbearable or even painful. I’ll make a plan with a friend, feel really good that I reached out and reestablished that bond, but then panic the day of and cancel because our friendship “isn’t real” and the person doesn’t actually want to see me. During the panic, I don’t know why I’m panicking so I backtrack and come up with reasons why I don’t want to do whatever I planned to do. For instance: I’m on my way to work, to a job that I love and feel good about doing. As I’m driving I feel a wave of sadness wash over me and I start to cry. Sadness is an unacceptable feeling to experience so I immediately try to figure out the root of it and squash it accordingly. I decide that the root of my sadness is that I don’t feel connected to my boyfriend anymore and my mind is telling me “GETOUTWHILEYOUSTILLCAN.” So now I’m not sad anymore, I’m anxious and aggravated and maybe I pick a fight with my boyfriend about our lack of connection. I make a plan with a friend about breaking up with my boyfriend, the cause of my unhappiness. 8 months later, it turns out the sadness wasn’t lack of connection with my boyfriend, but grief from the death or loss of a best friend and it’s still there. Only now I’m alone without a partner on top of my grief.

That is a real life example. I literally did this September 2016. So not only am I out of touch with my emotions and body, but I struggle with impulse control and recklessness. “There is one major respect in which the specific neurophysiological impairments of ADD do hinder the development of a core sense of self and the attainment of self-esteem...What we see as the self is really a construct, akin to the optical illusion that makes us believe that a series of photographic images projected onto a screen in rapid progression are people and objects in the real world. The “self” we experience is an unimaginably rapid series of firings of countless neurological circuits...It is the relative consistency of the repetitious neurological activities of the brain that convinces us there is a solid self. We might say that in ADD this consistency lacks consistency. The fluctuations are greater than most people experience. Thought patterns and emotional states pursue each other with an exaggerated rapidity and across a broader range. It seems there is less to hold on to. Too, self-esteem does require a degree of self-regulation, which the neurophysiology of ADD sabotages. The child or adult easily flung into extremes of emotion and behavior does not acquire the mastery over impulses that self-esteem demands.”

“Submerged beneath a surface rippling with superficial and childish impulses are truer impulses for meaningful activity, the assertion of one’s autonomy, the pursuit of one’s own truth, and human connectedness. The deeper these have sunk, the less one knows who one is or in which direction one’s path lies. Attaining self-esteem begins with finding our true impulses and raising them to the light of day.”

Living with disassociation and lack of impulse control leads me to live a bit recklessly. Because I’m disconnected from myself, I don’t feel the need to regulate my impulses. If I can rationalize what I want, I’ll do it, regardless if it’s actually illegal or unethical. I shoplift. I manipulate strangers. I don’t lie, but I twist my words up on technicalities. I cheat. I do drugs. I feign innocence to get what I want or need. I use my white privilege to get away with things. The disconnect I have between those actions and how I view myself is extreme. I would never consider myself a thief, or a cheater, or a druggie, but I would probably be wrong. 

Here are some symptoms of adult ADHD that you may recognize in yourself:

1) The hallmark of ADD is an automatic, unwilled “tuning out,” a frustrating non-presence of mind. People suddenly find that they have heard nothing of what they have been listening to, saw nothing of what they were looking at, remember nothing of what they were trying to concentrate on. 2) Completely lacking in the ADD mind is a template for order, a mental model of how order comes about. One may be able to visualize what a tidy and organized room would look like, but the mind-set of how one would get there is missing.  3) Coordination difficulties affect most [with ADD], particularly in the area of fine motor control. Things are dropped, feet are stepped on, balls fly in the wrong direction. Objects piled on top of each other during clean-up are fated to come crashing down. 4) Asking for directions in the street, the person with ADD loses track by the time his informant is half-way through her first sentence. Fortunately, he has perfected the art of nodding. Ashamed to admit his lack of comprehension and knowing the futility of asking for clarifications which he would grasp with no greater success, he gives a masterful impersonation of one who understands. Then he heads off, entrusting himself to good fortune. 5) The distractibility in ADD is not consistent. Many parents and teachers are misled: to some activities a child may be able devote, if anything, a compulsive, hyperconcentrated attention. But hyperfocusing which excludes awareness of one’s environment is also poor attention regulation. Too, often hyperfocusing involves what may be described as passive attention, as in watching television or playing video games. Passive attention permits the mind to cruise on automatic without requiring the brain to expend effortful energy. Active attention, in which the mind is fully engaged and the brain has to perform work, is mustered only in special circumstances of high motivation. Active attention is a capacity the ADD brain lacks whenever organized work must to be done, or when attention needs to be directed towards something of low interest. 6) ADD is situational: in the same individual its expression may vary greatly from one circumstance to another. There are certain classes, for example, in which the ADD child may perform remarkably well, while in others she is scattered, unproductive, and perhaps disruptive. 7) The adult or child with ADD can barely restrain himself from interrupting others, finds it a torture awaiting his turn in all manner of activities, and will often act or speak impulsively as if aforethought had never been invented. The consequences are predictably negative. One is forever trying to shut the barn door after the horse has bolted...The impulsiveness may express itself as impulse buying, the purchase of unneeded items on a sudden whim without regard for cost or consequence. 8) Hyperactivity is the third salient characteristic of ADD. Classically it is expressed by trouble keeping physically still, but it may also be present in forms not readily obvious to the observer. Some fidgetiness will likely be apparent–toes or fingers tapping, thighs pumping, nails being chewed, teeth biting the inside of the mouth. The hyperactivity may also take the form of excessive talking...Some adults with ADD have told me that they speak so quickly in part because so many words and phrases tumble into their minds that they fear forgetting the most important ones unless they release them at a fast rate. 9) An intense aversion to boredom, an abhorrence of it, seizes hold as soon as there is no ready focus of activity, distraction, or attention. One experiences an unremitting lack of stillness internally–a constant background static in the brain, a ceaseless ‘white noise,’ as Harvard psychiatrist Dr. John Ratey has put it. There is a merciless pressure in one’s mind impelling one on, without necessarily any specific aim or direction. 10) The restlessness coexists with long periods of procrastination. The threat of failure or the promise of reward has to be immediate for the motivation apparatus to be turned on. Without the rousing Adrenalin rush of racing against time inertia prevails...On the other hand, when there is something one wants neither patience nor procrastination exist. One has to do it, get it, have it, experience it, immediately. 11) An adult with ADD looks back on his life to see plans never fully realized and intentions unfulfilled strewn about the landscape like abandoned casualties on a long march...People report unfinished retainer walls begun over a decade ago, semi-constructed boats taking up garage space year after year, courses entered and quit in languages, in woodworking, in music, in art and in sundry other subjects, books half-read, business ventures forsaken, stories or poetry not written–many, many roads not traveled. 12) Social skills are also an issue. Something about ADD hinders one’s capacity to recognize interpersonal boundaries. Although some ADD children shrink away from being touched, in early childhood most of them literally climb all over adults and generally exhibit an almost insatiable desire for physical and emotional contact. They approach other children with a naive and unrequited openness, to which rebuffs are often the response. Impaired in their abilities to read social cues, they may be ostracized by their peers. 13) While generally the case, poor social skills are not universal. There is a type of ADD child who is socially adept and wildly popular. In my experience such success hides a lack of confidence in important areas of functioning and masks a very fragile self-esteem, although this may not emerge until these children grow into their late teens or early twenties. 14) Adults may be perceived as aloof and arrogant or tiresomely talkative and boorish. Many are recognizable by their compulsive joking, their pressured, rapid-fire speech, by their seemingly random and aimless hopping from one topic to the next, and by their inability to express an idea without exhausting the English vocabulary...Men and women with ADD have about them an almost palpable intensity to which other people respond with unease and instinctive withdrawal. 15) The moods of the ADD child are as capricious as the weather patterns El Nino has loosed upon the world. Happy smiles are transformed into frowns of displeasure or grimaces of despair in a matter of moments. Events awaited with joyful anticipation and begun with exuberant energy often end in bitter disappointment and a sulking, accusatory withdrawal. The emotional states of adults with attention deficit disorder are also up and down without apparent rhyme or reason. Good days and bad days follow each other according to some mysterious calendar written who knows where and by whom.The common theme on all days, good or bad, is a gnawing sense of having missed out on something important in life.

Having a diagnosis of ADHD, or depression, or anxiety, or any mental health diagnosis, does not mean there is anything “wrong” or “bad” about you. It’s simply your life math adding up.

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

The Adams Fosters

I’m always a bit late to jump on the bandwagon, especially when it comes to shows on ABC Family (which apparently is now called ‘Freeform’??) A week or so ago I started watching The Fosters during my overnight shifts.

I’m consumed with love for this show. For so so many reasons. Stef and Lena Adams Foster are the best example of parenting and loving your children that I have ever seen.

Specific details of the show that make me text my best friend at 3am going “OMG!”:

1) The Adams Fosters put into place specific health based safe sex practices that allow their children full access to birth control and also a safe place to talk about their sexual experiences. Each child is given condoms (none of the children identify as lesbian, so far, so the only sexual experiences shown are with those having a penis), and instructions on how to use it correctly.

2) Lena and Stef deal with the real world, including decoding body language and reading between the unsaid words. At one point in the series *SPOILERS* Lena and Stef deal with the fact that Lena’s boss kissed her. The problem wasn’t that Lena “cheated” (because she didn’t), but that she didn’t discourage the behavior and didn’t set up proper boundaries. This rocked their marriage not only because of the kiss, but because Lena kept it a secret from Stef.

3) When faced with difficult decisions, the Adams Fosters don’t make up their minds on the spot, but usually sleep on it and discuss it together before responding. This is a revolutionary concept in my eyes, I’ve only ever been taught to react in the moment and it reeks havoc with my life. Because it’s a TV show, the kids get into a lot of disturbing shit–like making and selling fake I.D.’s, running away to Mexico, having sex with their foster siblings, selling ADHD medication, etc.–and Lena and Stef often are left to deal with the repercussions. Instead of flipping out and screaming at everyone, they demonstrate their high level of emotional intelligence and blow my mind with their calm collected responses.

4) One of their children eventually comes out as gay, but before he figures this out he develops a crush on one of his guy friends. Stef and Lena respond by respecting his autonomy and lack of labels and sticks up for him when people hurl “gay” at him, saying that he has not confirmed his sexual identity yet and to stop making assumptions.

5) Due to various complications, one of their children is placed temporarily in a girls group home. In the group home there is a trans individual who was placed there in error (I say error, but I really mean institutional discrimination and bias, but whatever). No one respects his pronouns and the women in the group home lash out at him and try to humiliate him into “admitting” he is really a woman. Instead of leaving it at that (”discrimination is real, we have to bring awareness to it”), they took it further and confronted why transphobia is what it is. They had the trans character get confronted while trying to use a public bathroom and it sparked a conversation among the women about privilege and oppression. 

6) Obviously, the topic of fostering and adoption is the center of many of the episodes. The terminology used is really important because they talk about “the real parents” and “the real kids” and biological families and who belongs to whom and how to love everyone the same. The Adams Fosters encourage their kids to have relationships with their biological families including the parents who put them up for adoption originally. Anyone who wants to love their kids and support them, are encouraged to develop a relationship. Correct terminology is encouraged and at one point Lena and Stef jump up and down excitedly after their adopted son casually calls one of them ‘mom.’ In one breath, they describe the challenges and thrills of having adopted children and what it’s like to love them.

7) ***SPOILERS*** Stef gets breast cancer in one of the later seasons. She’s lucky and catches it early, but because she has BRCA1 she opts for a full mastectomy and breast implants. She also chops off her hair and discusses her reasoning with her wife Lena: “I've always wanted to cut my hair really short....[but I didn’t] 'Cause I was afraid I was going to look like a d*ke. I hate that I have my own internalized homophobia. But, um... just really been struggling, really been struggling with, with... the way people are going to look at me without breasts. As if I, uh... as if I'm somehow less of a woman, less feminine. But you know what? Breasts and long hair do not make me a woman. And what the hell do I care if people think that I'm butch because they have an idea of what a woman is supposed to look like. I just want to look the way I want to look. And letting go... letting go of that fear, I guess, just... I've never felt more feminine. So... And I'm gonna need implants 'cause I like having boobs, not because I'm not me without them.” I’m not crying, you’re crying.

It's not where you come from, it's where you belong. Nothing I would trade, I wouldn't have it any other way. You're surrounded by love and you're wanted. So never feel alone. You are home with me. Right where you belong.

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

not all mens!!!1!!!!1

not all men 🚫💁‍♂️are bad you guys. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 I know a 1️⃣👱man and he is not bad. 👤🗣 one time a man i didn’t even know was nice to me. 👫👫👫 anytime you complain 🙄🙄🙄🙄 about men please ‼️‼️remember 🤔👩‍💼🤔to always include a disclaimer ✍️👀👀about how not literally 💯💯🚫‼️ every single man 💁‍♂️🗣👱 on the planet 🌎🌍🌏 does the thing you’re mad 😡😡😠😡 about. otherwise people 👱‍♀️👱might think ‼️⁉️❓❓ you mean literally every single man💁‍♂️😎😎😎. because how are we supposed to know you’re not talking���🗣🗣👄 about literally every single individual man. 👱🕵️🕵️so make sure you always say it’s not and that some men 👱are good. 👍👌🤙🤙include dads 👪👨‍👦or boyfriends 💏💏as examples. also please make sure to comment 📱💻✉️✉️on every post about how some men 👱👱👱are good 👍👍👍just so nobody forgets thanks thank you thanks😊😊😊😊😊😊

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

Transcript:

“CELIA: Hi y’all. This is another video I’m doing in a series with Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you break down and stand up to everyday oppression. In this video I want to discuss what’s called a White Savior, and why it’s a problem. 

 A White Savior is a common trope used in books, films, and as a way of interpreting actual history. It’s also a perspective shared by many white people as we move through the world. In the simplest terms, it’s when a white character or person rescues people of color from their oppression. The White Savior is portrayed as the good one, the one that we’re meant to identify with as we watch or read these narratives. They usually learn lessons about themselves along the way. There are many problems with this kind of narrative, some of which I’ll go over.

For instance, it racializes morality by making us consistently identify with the good white person saving the non-white people who are given much less of an identity in these plot lines. It also frames people of color as being unable to solve their own problems. It implies that they always need saving, and that white people are the only ones competent enough to save them. This is very obviously untrue, and it’s a harmful message to relay.

Even when white people are positioned as bad white people, like in a slavery film, we’re still also almost always positioned as the exceptional good white people, the ones who help black people achieve freedom. For instance, narratives about white teachers who come into racialized communities to help troubled students of color, those aren’t in and of themselves problematic. Considering how widespread the story is, the result is that it ignores the reality that communities of color have their own leaders and they’re not being saved by white people. It also exoticizes the young people and positions them as being automatically broken and needing saving, just because of where they live or how they look.

I also wanted to go over being a White Savior in your own life. As white people we can very easily slip into this role, even if we have good intentions. Think of all those pictures of you or your white friend on a volunteering trip to Africa, surrounded by smiling black children, in the center, positioned as the hero. That’s largely what these trips amount to. Not only an attempt to Americanize one’s surroundings by teaching English and often Western religious practices, but to be this embodied as White Savior that we’ve internalized from the narrative trope that I just discussed. Again, even if your intentions on this trip were pure and good, you can still recreate a harmful trope nonetheless.

This also applies to white teachers who are eager to enter these racialized or low-income schools, and live out the narratives that they’ve seen in movies like Freedom Writers, or similar plot lines. We assume that we can bring these life changing revelations about their potential, reveal to these children the possibilities of a better life. We white people tend to overlook our saviorism. We want to be heroes, but we end up victimizing people of color in the process.

Ultimately though, going to various countries in Africa as a white volun-tourist, or teaching in a racialized community, white people take on this role as an outsider there for a short time. We have to be realistic about the limitations of our efforts and never forget our privileges going in. Even when our intentions are good, we can still contribute to this White Savior narrative that centers us as hero over and over and over again.

Us white feminists are certainly not immune to this, not by a long shot. We often think that we know what’s best for people of color. We talk over people of color because we’re so used to hearing our own voices that we don’t even notice that we’re centering ourselves again. We rush to rescue those who don’t need or want our saving, like Muslim women who wear the hijab. Instead of consulting Muslim women about this matter that truly only concerns them, or affects them, white feminists have long assumed that we know what they want, and it’s to be liberated. The movies tell me I’m the one to do it.

This is why we have to be really critical of the media which perpetuates this trope. We need to see it for what it is, and pay attention to when we do it ourselves, and when other white people we know play into it.

It’s so important that white western feminists, like me, examine our privilege and realize that people of color, whether they live in a low-income area of a big city, or a rural African country, or a Middle Eastern country, they have their own voices. I don’t know what’s best for them. They know what’s best for them. The White Savior narrative can lead us to see people of color as a sort of monolith in need of saving. When that’s what we see, we fail to recognize the very complex and varied identities of people of color.

Let’s stop assuming that we can save everyone, and listen to the matters that actually concern them. We can help, but we don’t need to be the center of it. I hope that was helpful. Short and sweet. I’ll see y’all next time.”

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Totes Inappropes.

Tonight has been weirdly busy. And filled with inappropriate cishet men calling to talk to me about the their fetishes or how they’d like to control the women in their lives. I’ll call them “Dr. Robert” and “Mr. Nice Guy.”

Dr. Robert wanted to speak with me about how he was molested by Catholic priests...at the age of 45...with his wife present...during couples counselling...at gunpoint...

The ellipses are my internal (and external because he can’t see me over the phone) eye rolls at a clearly inappropriate call. Still. Just in case the call is legit, I have to listen and ask some questions. He repeats my name a lot:

“Catholic priests have a lot of power, don’t they Joan*?”

“You’re the first person I’ve told this to, Joan.”

“It was so mesmerizing, you know what I mean, Joan?”

But here is something you didn’t know about Dr. Bobby (Friends reference. Damn I am killing it with the 90s references tonight.), he is apparently an expert in sexual dysfunction and pastoral abuse and a medical doctor as well. He begins to slowly introduce some sexual scenarios into the mix:

“During counseling the priest made me and my wife blow him while his gun was out on the desk.”

“Catholic priests have so much power, don’t they? I felt so helpless and humiliated, you know what I mean Joan?”

And then he finally said what he was hinting around at: “They made us take these black guys home with us, and...do you know what a ‘cuckold’ is?” 

He then demands that I define it for him, in order to continue the conversation accurately: “I just want to make sure we’ve got the right terms down, so why don’t you tell me what you think ‘cuckolding’ is and I’ll tell you if you’re right.”

This man, calls a STRANGER on a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CRISIS CALL LINE, at 3 am to try to get them to discuss cuckolding. I just...what? He hung up as soon as he realized I wasn’t about to get tricked into doing what he wanted.

Mr. Nice Guy called because he was concerned about a friend. We get calls like this from time to time; people worried about their loved ones hoping we have a cure all/police task force that can swoop people away from danger. We do not have those things, and even if we did we might not use them. That is because of something called “autonomy.” We are there for when victim survivors need us, and we will stay away until then. 

Mr. Nice Guy is upset because his friend is dating a narcissist, is in porn, does drugs, and won’t reach out for help. I’m immediately uncomfortable as soon as he starts to describe what type of porn his friend does and how he watches her do it, ya know ‘cuz he’s “a guy and we all watch it.” He calls her after he sees her perform and ridicules her and shames her for it, threatening her that he’ll have his friends come and put fear into her, or the other sex workers, or whomever he was referencing, it was hard to tell. He tells me she is sleeping with a man who has HIV. That the man has HIV and does drugs and now even meth!!!11! Mr. Nice Guy says she has a young daughter who shouldn’t be around the kind of stuff her mom is doing, but when I suggested he make a report to CPS he says that it would just hurt the child and that the parents are doing their best.**

Essentially, what Mr. Nice Guy wanted was to be validated in his misogynistic viewpoint that his friend is immoral and needs to be whisked away for her own safety. He wanted to trample on her autonomy and force her to be his definition of what a woman should be. And apparently porn is done by those NonPeople Women, so it’s okay for them, just not his friend. The epitome of the “white savior complex,” as well as the “male savior complex” (I assume Mr. Nice Guy is a white cishet male because...well...they usually are.)

The concern for his friend might be real, but it isn’t genuine and it isn’t based on anything other than sexist, classist, and violent ideas on femininity, motherhood, economics, and health. It should not matter that his friend is a mother. It should not matter that her partner is HIV positive. It should not matter that she does sex work. What DOES matter is her safety and whether or not her autonomy is being respected. Do not even get me STARTED on the demonization of drug addiction in our society (oops, just kidding--”harm reduction”).

He ended the call as soon as he realized I was not going to validate his concerns, nor discuss porn with him.

One time, a guy told me that I needed to go back to “domestic violence victim school” because I wouldn’t talk to him about abuse he perpetuated. I’m awful, maybe I should have kept talking to these sad souls--help them with their power and control angst (sarcasm).

*not my real name, but the name Buffy chooses when she loses her memory in the episode “Tabula Rasa” of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I highly recommend.

**I am a mandated reporter, but because of the nature of my job, we try to get as few personally identifying characteristics as possible to avoid unnecessary CPS reports. In order for me to make a report, I must know the child’s name and location, as well as the details about the abuse being perpetrated. Short of that, I do not report.

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

Domestic Violence in the LGBTQAI+ Community

Domestic violence (DV) is about power and control. It does not necessarily come solely from “angry men” who like to hurt women (although toxic masculinity does affect rates of domestic violence). When DV happens in the LGBTQAI+ community, it looks different because of the different levels of power and control present. Historically the LGBTQAI+ community has been oppressed and denigrated and so they often lack the societal authority that cishet individuals have. However, that does not mean DV disappears. We are still all living under the patriarchy and white supremacy and so power struggles develop. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), DV happens at the same frequency and severity as in the straight community.

“Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of behaviors utilized by one partner (the batterer or abuser) to exert and maintain control over another person (the survivor or victim) where there exists an intimate and/or dependent relationship. Experts believe that domestic violence occurs in the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community with the same amount of frequency and severity as in the heterosexual community. Society’s long history of entrenched racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia prevents LGBT victims of domestic violence from seeking help from the police, legal and court systems for fear of discrimination or bias.”

 Types of Abuse:

• Physical: the threat of harm or any forceful physical behavior that intentionally or accidentally causes bodily harm or property destruction. • Sexual: any forced or coerced sexual act or behavior motivated to acquire power and control over the partner. It is not only forced sexual contact but also contact that demeans or humiliates the partner and instigates feelings of shame or vulnerability – particularly in regards to the body, sexual performance or sexuality. • Emotional/Verbal: any use of words, voice, action or lack of action meant to control, hurt or demean another person. Emotional abuse typically includes ridicule, intimidation or coercion. • Financial: the use or misuse, without the victim’s consent, of the financial or other monetary resources of the partner or of the relationship. • Identity Abuse: using personal characteristics to demean, manipulate and control the partner. Some of these tactics overlap with other forms of abuse, particularly emotional abuse. This category is comprised of the social “isms”, including racism, sexism, ageism, able-ism, beauty-ism, as well as homophobia. Includes threats to “out” victim.

Transgender Abuse:

Specific forms of abuse occur in relationships where one partner is transgender, including: 

• using offensive pronouns such as “it” to refer to the transgender partner; • ridiculing the transgender partner’s body and/or appearance; • telling the transgender partner that he or she is not a real man or woman; • ridiculing the transgender partner’s identity as “bisexual,” “trans,” “femme,” “butch,” “gender queer,” etc.; and/or • denying the transgender partner’s access to medical treatment or hormones or coercing him or her to not pursue medical treatment.

HIV/AIDS Abuse:

The presence of HIV/AIDS in an abusive relationship may lead to specific forms of abuse, which include: 

• “outing” or threatening to tell others that the victim has HIV/AIDS; • an HIV+ abuser suggesting that she or he will sicken or die if the partner ends the relationship; • preventing the HIV+ partner from receiving needed medical care or medications; • taking advantage of an HIV+ partner’s poor health status, assuming sole power over a partner’s economic affairs, create the partner’s utter dependency on the abuser; and/or • An HIV+ abuser infecting or threatening to infect a partner.

Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project 1-800-832-1901 www.gmdvp.org

GLBT National Help Center 1-888-843-4564 www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org

National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs 212-714-1184 www.ncapv.org

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Psychological Abuse

I work with a lot of victims who think that domestic violence is only physical or sexual violence and that verbal or psychological abuse doesn’t “count,” so they don’t really need help. WRONG.

Psychological abuse is one of the most complex, devastating, traumatizing, and confusing life experiences you can have. It’s been stated to me often by victims that they wish the abuse had just been physical because 1) they are more likely to be believed and get help, and 2) the psychological scars run so deep it is exhausting to recover from.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) has described psychological abuse as: “[Involving] trauma to the victim caused by verbal abuse, acts, threats of acts, or coercive tactics. Perpetrators use psychological abuse to control, terrorize, and denigrate their victims. It frequently occurs prior to or concurrently with physical or sexual abuse.” 

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE INCLUDES: 

• Humiliating the victim • Controlling what the victim can or cannot do • Withholding information from the victim • Deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed • Isolating the victim from friends and/or family • Denying the victim access to money or other basic resources • Stalking • Demeaning the victim in public or in private • Undermining the victim’s confidence and/or sense of self-worth • Convincing the victim they are mentally unwell or delusional

DID YOU KNOW? 

• 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have experienced at least one psychologically aggressive behavior by an intimate partner. • 4 in 10 women and 4 in 10 men have experienced at least one form of coercive control by an intimate partner in their lifetime. • 17.9% of women have experienced a situation where an intimate partner tried to keep them from seeing family and friends. • 18.7% of women have experienced threats of physical harm by an intimate partner. • 95% of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also psychologically abuse them. • Women who earn 65% or more of their households’ income are more likely to be psychologically abused than women who learn less than 65% of their households’ income.

AM I BEING PSYCHOLOGICALLY ABUSED? Does your partner: 

• Threaten to harm you, your children, your family and/or your pets? • Tell you are worthless and that no one else will ever love you? • Isolate you from your friends and/or family? • Control your behavior and monitor your movements and whereabouts? • Tell you that you are “crazy”? • Demean you in public or in private? • Constantly criticize you? • Blame you for everything that goes wrong? • Stalk you? • Cause you to feel guilt over things that are not your fault? • Threaten to take away your children?

If so, your partner may be abusing you. For help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800- 799-SAFE (7233), or visit Domesticshelters.org to access professional help.

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

Johnny Depp ain’t shit.

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Amber Heard released these photos in 2016, of injuries she sustained from Johnny Depp in December 2015. 

“Amber Heard, who has filed for divorce from actor Johnny Depp and accused him of domestic violence, has released fresh photos which allegedly depict past incidents of abuse by the Hollywood superstar. The 30-year-old actress sports a cut lip and seemingly bruised eye in the new photos. The injuries were allegedly inflicted by Depp, 52, in December 2015, reported People magazine. Heard has got a restraining order against the actor and claimed that besides the latest incident of violence on April 21, the actor was violent to [her] in the past as well. In documents filed May 27 to seek a temporary restraining order against Depp, Heard had alleged that during the ‘entirety’ of their four-year relationship, ‘Johnny has been verbally and physically abusive to me.’ She described a December event that possibly correlates with the alleged timeline of these new photos.”

Unfortunately due to outrageous amounts of pressure and bullying in which Amber was accused of making these accusations for her career, she dropped the restraining order and settled: “After months of ugly accusations and back-and-forth, the former couple settled their divorce in August, with Depp agreeing to pay his ex approximately $7 million.” 

Yeah. Johnny Depp ain’t shit.

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

Nyctophilia

“Nyctophilia” Definition: “Love of darkness or night; finding relaxation and comfort in the darkness.” Nyctophilia is a Greek word. It means, “friend of the dark”. I’ve struggled with this for a long time, not even aware that I was struggling with it. As a child I would stay up reading, or walking around my empty house, or watching TV until it fuzzed (when I was little, TV wasn’t 24/7, it ended at some point during the night.). I would stay up until 6 am and then sleep during school. I’ve always been able to sleep during the day easier than at night. I’d curl up by the heating vent at the entrance of my school and take naps, ignoring everyone who passed me by.

As an adult I do the same things (minus the TV fuzz and school naps). I read, I watch TV, I clean, and now I answer crisis calls. My work hours are 11pm-7am, which means my “nighttime” is 7am-12pm and I sleep from 12pm-whenever before work at 11pm. I live the opposite of how other people live; I get confused when people greet me with “good morning” when it is my night time. I get angry at morning rush hour because it should be empty!

My love of darkness and night time has opened up the opportunity for me to work where I am now. I answer the phone and help victims of domestic/sexual violence and human trafficking who are in crisis. I think this work is the equivalent of a life soulmate. This is the chronicles of a midnight crisis call advocate.