jjzamoraa

[jjzamoraa]

i want to live by the ocean but also in the forest but also in the mountains but also in a big city but also in the countryside u feel me

[jjzamoraa]

Haiku#11

Today marks the day

I tell myself to move on

And this time, for real.

[jjzamoraa]

“…the sad part is, that I will probably end up loving you without you for much longer than I loved you when I knew you. Some people might find that strange. But the truth of it is that the amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person, is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them.”

— Ranata Suzuki - From “Loving Someone Who Is Gone” 

[jjzamoraa]

Haiku#10 Clementine withered. And here, Summer keeps growing. Which side's my feelings?

[jjzamoraa]

Haiku #9

Lost the will to live

Existing but not living

Since you left my heart.

[jjzamoraa]

Haiku #8

And it's been eight months

Claiming moved on already

But still missing you.

[jjzamoraa]

Joyeux Noël

So this Christmas, my family decided to celebrate it in a resort in Laguna. Looking at the beautiful Mt. Makiling reminded me of you once again. And the flashbacks of our good memories last year followed. Likewise with the times I did not put an effort to show my affection towards you, which i suddenly felt a pang of regret. Or more like, "yeah, it is right we broke up because you don't deserve me."

You don't deserve me because last Christmas, i did not come to you to spend even just a little time with you. I barely remember what happened that day but i know i should have visited and spared some time with you. I should have told my parents to see you on that special day. But no, i chose to stay at home and just updated you thru chat.

You don't deserve me because i decided on my own to not bring you in our Christmas party even when i am allowed to bring a plus one. I had actually thought of bringing you but you must be tired from work so i'd rather let you get some sleep. And thinking of it again today, with regret, i should have invited you. You must be tired from work but atleast you were with me. You could rest there and be with me at the same time.

You don't deserve me because last New Year, you were expecting me to come at your place with my family as i have told you so you prepared big lunch but ended up, i went alone. I even almost did not make it because before that day, we were on a family day trip and spontaneity hit us: the day trip turned into an overnight. I told my parents that we needed to pack up early morning because i'm gonna go at your place. You insisted that you'll just come at home but i insisted more. And i regret it. I should have just agreed to you.

You don't deserve me because during the times you were so sick and alone at your apartment, i was not there. I did not dare to stay up late at night with you and tell my parents i want to take care the sick you. Nor step out of my house to just visit you. And i also regret it. I should have gone to your place and took care of you. I should have thought of you more than myself to be judged by my parents.

You don't deserve me because even if we were a couple already, i was not that open with you. I did not say much what you should hear. I controllled what i say to you. I was afraid that if i did not filter what i say to you, you might not like it. I did not tell you that i envied your ex and other girls linked to you because you might find it petty. I did not tell you i feel uncomfortable when we see each other at work because you might not understand my reason. I did not tell you i was already feeling the gap between us. And i regret this the most. I should not be afraid to tell you those. Telling you my problems doesn't make me lose you, not telling does.

You don't deserve me because i am not as clingy or as caring as i expect you expected me to be. You don't deserve me because i cannot make you feel i love you. You don't deserve me because you deserve someone who will make you feel loved even in the tiniest detail of your life.

But it won't change the fact that i still like you.

(The translated title is irrelevant in this post but the words itself.)

[jjzamoraa]

Sa pagitan ng ikalawa at ikatlong araw ng Disyembre, kasama ng mga kaibigan, tayo ay muling nagtagpo. Umiiwas na magkita ang mga mata, palihim na sumusulyap sa iyo. Hindi ko alam kung sadya mong hindi inahit ang iyong balbas dahil alam mong iyon ang isa sa nagpapakilig sa akin. Hindi man kita tinitignan pero alam ko kung gaano kadalas at katagal mo ako tinignan. Iniiwasan kong magtagal ang mata ko sayo. Natatakot na mabasa mo ang iniisip ko. Nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na tayo ay magkamustahan.

"Kumusta?"

"Okay naman."

Hindi mo inalis ang iyong mga paningin sa akin. Alam ko. Alam ko dahil sa tuwing ikaw ay tinitignan, naka-abang na ang iyong mga mata. At alam ko, alam ko na sa mga tingin na iyon ay may nais kang sambitin na higit pa sa kumustahan. Nang wala na tayong masabi sa isa't-isa, lumapit ka sa kinauupuan ko at ako ay hinagkan. Yakap na sapat na para maramdaman ko ang iyong halik sa aking ulo. Yakap na sapat na para marinig ang iyong sinabi. Yakap na sapat na para manumbalik at manatili ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo. Pero hindi sapat para tayo ay muling magkasama.

Still, i would rather have this friendship with you than to lose you at all.

[jjzamoraa]

I can still vividly remember your eyes looking at me and your voice saying you missed me but it won't change the fact that we won't get back together. Still thankful not only for occupying a special place in my heart, but also for being a great influencer in my life. 💛

[jjzamoraa]

Tonight, while falling in a long queue on my way home, I have witnessed a boy giving a rose to his girl. And no, I didn't feel any bitterness. More of remembering the day when you surprised me with a flower while waiting for you in the finish line.

Then I found myself in tears. Perhaps, I got touched too much. But who am i kidding?

I found myself missing you.

[jjzamoraa]

Haiku #7

It's when I watch Friends

Or How I Met Your Mother

I miss you the most.

[jjzamoraa]

Haiku #6

I say, "I will heal." From pain and from you, in time. In God's perfect time.

[jjzamoraa]

Pinto Art Museum in panorama | Antipolo, Rizal

[jjzamoraa]

Pinto Art Museum | Antipolo, Rizal

[jjzamoraa]

Haiku #5

Yes ofcourse it hurts. And it's unfair you're okay Whilst i'm still hurting.

[jjzamoraa]

Haiku #4

I knew it, i know Your feelings for her never Ever left. It hurts.

[jjzamoraa]

I miss you. I want to think i am just missing the idea of being loved, but no, i miss you. I miss your round eyes and the way they stare at me, remembering the features of my face. I miss your thick eyebrows and how you dont want any strand of them to get plucked. I miss your hair and the way i caress it whenever you rest your head on my lap. I miss your beard, oh dear god i love your stubbled beard, it makes me feel giddy when i look at you. I miss your arms and how you wrapped them around me. I miss your hands and your fingers intertwined on mine. I miss your good morning and good night texts. I miss listening to your adventures. I miss going on adventures with you. I miss resting on your shoulder, on your chest. I miss hiking with you, watching films with you, pigging out with you. I miss your place. I miss the lemons and those weird berries in your small garden. I miss our short-lived relationship. But most of all, i miss you and that is all i can do -miss you and do nothing about it. 'Nyeta.