jijous

[jijous]

Lol. Why can’t I just be like. Mentally normal for a day? Or simply hold my composure? Why do I have to lose it?

[jijous]

I wonder if I should just accept that throughout my life I’ll experience waves of these feelings.

I’m in the pit with “you’re not enough, you’re never enough, and no - not even yourself - can see what ever value it is that you hold.”

But some day soon will hold the crest of “Look at what all you have done. Look at what all you can do. You positioned yourself well. Seek and find what you are missing, or build it with what you have.”

[jijous]

It’s amazing how empowering the pill can be.

[jijous]

Header is photography by @lindagoesmushrooming.

[jijous]

In the context of the rest of my tumblr existence this is a strange move for me. I used to just say shit.

Is compartmentalization inherently unhealthy?

I don’t know… I’ve been living non-compartmentalized for so long. I came out when I was 14. And this has been something that has made me feel a bit othered from other gay people I know. Many of them defend(ed) themselves by erecting walls. Many of those I know are learning where they can smash down those walls and where they can put doors and windows.

I think I need some more walls.

[jijous]

Ever think about how much we, as queer people, spend the first segment of our life escaping? My life has been dictated by the idea of escape. Whether it be escaping from my feelings, escaping from my home, or escaping from my thoughts.

I’m finally somewhere where escape is not the forefront of my life any more. I’m safe and I’m trying to figure out how… to soak that in.

And also how to self-actualize.

[jijous]

The catalyst for this was thinking about my lack of a journaling space, and while I will start that privately I think I’ll just start scribbling here.

[jijous]

I find myself wanting to yell into the void sometimes, so this is where I will do that for the time being.