jenreid2011-blog

[jenreid2011-blog]

She hated being so clumsy with words, when words meant so much.

Joyce Carol Oates, The Spill, Give Me Your Heart (via wordsnquotes)

[jenreid2011-blog]

[jenreid2011-blog]

First time making something

[jenreid2011-blog]

♥♥♥

[jenreid2011-blog]

I'm just a little unwell...

First they said, anxiety, then depression, then ADHD, then bipolar...all I could think was help! I was so lost at that point the only thing I knew was that I wanted to die...I wanted to escape...I wanted a long vacation. When you first hear that you have a mental health disorder the first your mind goes to, or at least mine did was "great, now everyone is going to think I'm crazy..." and some did I was told "your not trying hard enough" "just pretend your happy" and "your not that special, you don't get to go through this"...well guess what I was...I was going through my very own battle with my brain. I always knew I was different; at 4 I had my first anxiety attack, I had a hard time making friends, I couldn't stop my mind from always worrying about the what ifs the what could happens. It drove me to often be on the fetal position on the floor, it drove me to crying uncontrollably, it drove me to a place of panic that I would hyperventilate and not be able to function...this is what my life was and I had just come to accept it. By 12 the anxiety manifested in to depression. Middle school me would often use the phrase "just kill me now" "I'd rather be dead" and people laughed....too bad they didn't know I was serious... Lets fast forward 4 years, I have isolated myself to my room, I cried, and I was tired all day everyday. No one understood the energy it took to just get out of bed and move. But, I was good at faking it every morning I put on my American Eagle jeans, and my name brand shirt, my makeup, and made sure my hair was straight. Elsa said it best when she said "conceal, don't feel don't let them know" Well then being a teenage girl happened...the "mean girls" hit and left me eating alone in the corner everyday, they made me feel like I wasn't worth it, and that feeling of depression grew until it consumed me. Counseling came, but I wasn't ready to change, I was comfortable where I was at...that's the problem with depression and anxiety, you get used to it, getting "better" seems more scary than anything else. You see, I had already labeled myself as "not normal" at this point so I didn't see how counseling was going to help me...even if I was the one who asked for it. Prozac became my friend at this point, one of the only things to pull me out of my funk everyday, but medicine doesn't solve all your problems...getting that through my mothers head was the hardest part in all of this "yes mom I took my medicine" "yes, even with my medicine I'm still feeling this feeling IT DOESN'T CURE IT ALL". At 18 the ADHD diagnosis came, and let's be honest here after 5 car accidents in 3 years something is probably up there. But, let's just add to the list things wrong with me. At this point I had decided I wasn't normal, but that was all I wanted, I was "searching for normal". Spoiler Alert: I still haven't found it. I fought so hard to be just like everyone else, I didn't want these problems, because unlike the cold or the flu they won't go away...I just wanted to not have to take medicine every night, go to a doctor every week, and I really wanted to stop making excuses to my friends all the time about why I always had "appointments". That has still yet to change. At 20, after 3 suicide attempts came a hospitalization. Guess who gave me a new diagnosis!?! Yep that doctor! Great bipolar, now I'm seriously crazy at this point I wanted out I wanted to just go some where far far away. I couldn't I was in college and had classes to get back to, so I did. All the mood stabilizers did for me in 3 years was make me gain 110 pounds so now I was unhappy AND fat. Happy, happy, joy, joy. It took 5 years of counseling before I realized I wanted to change, I wanted this to be different, I was ready to "get better" and then and only then did the dark clouds start to brighten. You see you have to want to get better before you do. You have to want it, your doctors can't want it for you, your parents can't, no one can will it to happen but you...and if anyone actually reads this that's where we will pick up next time.