jenmaicha

[jenmaicha]

august 28: this was at an on route 🛣 on the way back to scarborough from hamilton!

my sis persuaded me to get out of the car at the gas station and take it, and i’m very thankful.

i’m also going to do a thought dump (pasted from the Notes app), because it’s been a while and a decent amount of events have happened!

first, the promised markville update:

things i didn’t know existed and would like to know more about:

asian halal meat

cafe (i think) called starving artist

how many st patrick’s catholic schools are there? one in van and one in markham

main st: strange sights of starbucks and paint your own pottery in quaint old buildings

are the phrases “fall so far” and “fall so hard” any different? (magic by coldplay, which was my favourite song in grade 7 and still one of my favourites, lorde singing that “all the music you loved at 16 you’ll grow out of” has only slightly happened for me)

wonders of (my) world

those hall-length scrolls of art and calligraphy in the tokyo imperial museum (or a different one)

august 29:

not in notes: the monarch butterfly chrysalis my gong gong attached to the top of a jar with holes in it, which emerged just a couple days before my sister and i arrived in scarborough the year before the pandemic. we let it fly free, holding the jar together.

much love to you on your flight to vancouver :) <3

- m in hamilton

[jenmaicha]

august 26: yesterday i was chatting with one of the aforementioned middle school friends and he mentioned something about happiness not being something you build and achieve but something that just happens while you’re doing other things. he brought up this thing about how people feel happier when they tell themselves they’re happy, which is weird but works.

i sort of had a re-realization that i have a lot of stuff to be happy about and grateful for, and i want to make a list so i can revisit this and pay attention to all of the little (but still good) shit that’s currently going on:

- i saw the nerds yesterday (plus two bonus old friend nerds), this is carryover bc the happiness is still bleeding through to today

- i’m doing work again! both with the moot case and mildly practicing for the orchestra audition, which feels very nice

- i got these led lights from bezos that change colour and they give my room a very cool vibe

- my plant is growing weirdly well

- new anthro episode! i haven’t listened to it yet but i’m excited to and then scream about it with you :)

- the weird slump that i’ve been in for the last few months is starting to clear which feels super nice

- i know a lot of very hecking excellent people and i will be able to spend lots of time with them very soon *wink wink*

- it was pouring rain today and i decided to just go outside and stand there for a bit, it was probably a bad decision and i was very cold but i had fun

- the anticipation for the van trip is growing!

i hope things are going well for you too, and i can’t wait for you to start being a part of these lists (you sort of already are but you know what i mean).

- j

p.s. i haven't taken any new sunset pics in a little while but i have a backlog of them that i took in vancouver and never ended up posting, so i'm clearing them out now! this is a ferry pic

[jenmaicha]

august 25: a few weeks ago one of the nerds emailed our old high school english teacher about recs for places to visit in vancouver, and she responded with a list and a closing something along the lines of “i’m glad you guys are keeping in touch. friendships formed in youth should be treasured and nurtured.” i didn’t really think too much of it then beyond like “oh that’s a pretty sentiment” but i met up with some old friends today (middle school old) and i really felt it?

i hadn’t talked to them for a few years, but once the initial awkwardness faded it felt really weirdly comfortable. i’ve never really resonated with the cliche of reuniting with old friends, but i think i get it now?

to a certain extent i think part of it was that it felt really nice to be reminded that i still had a life and a place to belong that existed outside of artsci and uni and the whole new social circle we’re all developing now. i mentioned this to the old friend, but after a certain point it’s hard to imagine that strangers can be more than one thing even if they’re your classmates and peers. i suppose it’s a flaw that deep empathy is a finite resource for most people, but imagining others complexly takes energy, and i think at a point in second semester i ran out of it (we truly hate to see it).

it’s annoyingly easy to get jaded about that stuff, but hanging out with old friends takes that away because you’re already aware of the complexity and imagination and the other wonderful qualities that exist in them. i used to pride myself on my ability to value other people and i still do, but i want to get back to a place where i can do it more effortlessly. i dislike it when i stop doing that and i hope it’s a temporary lull, but tonight i’m not thinking about it and just revelling in the feels.

p.s. this sunset was from a few days ago but i felt that thing then too and i was really happy, so i’m counting it :)

- j

[jenmaicha]

aug 9-11: i think my ability to be amused by entertainment revolves around pathetic fallacy.

on a deeper glance, i think i thrive on pathetic fallacy in my own life. this is a photo i took on august 5th, the last day/evening i saw my high school friends before leaving our city to make my way to university.

i can almost know i’ll see most if not all of them again, but for me, it really felt like more of an end of an era than our mini grad in the midst of covid did. and the swirling clouds revolving around us and the diminishing sun helped a whole lot.

like many, i have fallen in love with the mountain goats lyric:

“we were the one thing in the galaxy God didn’t have his eyes on”

and in those moments surrounded by my friends i’d have to say goodbye to in too short a time, God and the galaxy were the last things on my mind. the contradictions between that line and “all eyes on me, all eyes on me” give each song another layer.

and now, days after i started this post, i'm realizing what it was that took me so long to say. i love my friends, and that's a fact. i did need esther day to make me say it to a select few of them on a day that wasn't any of their birthdays, but they all know that. i just have a really weird relationship with my high school friends, mainly because i met most of them in grade one. grade one was a lifetime ago.

obviously, the ones who stayed my friends are still there for (hopefully) multiple reasons. but i've been drifting away from most of them since the start of high school. on first glance, it's because we don't share many common interests. none of them plays or watches soccer, skis, goes camping... i don't love watching trashy disney plus/family channel shows, making tiktoks, makeup... and this is where it feels like i'm the speaker in eyes on me. because you can't just choose your friends based on their interests.

but then it comes back to the meeting in grade one thing. you also can't expect to be as close to each other as the sisterhood of the traveling pants for the duration of your education. so that's what it's come to, really. i've kept talking to the people i have things to talk about. when we actually went to school together i talked to more of em since we had school and teachers and our weekends to talk about.

the last, most important thing is that part of life which is not only growing apart, but (we hate to see it) individually growing, yep, self-growth. and i can't be sad about having spent my grade 11/12 lunches apart from that group of friends, going to another province/country, living life apart from them when it's been so lovely for us all. and we are still friends, we trust each other and love each other and that's all that really matters. and now i have such incredible uni friends, too. it all feels right.

i feel like what i've been trying to say can be summarized by journaling, too. journaling (like therapy?) feels like the most "eyes on me" thing, even though it's usually private. i've actually been writing journal-like letters back and forth with the girl who's been my best friend since grade one. and i think we've learned a lot about each other through it. non-private journaling feels way better because it's not lonely, even if God has her/his/their eyes on it all. thanks for making it that way, i love you a whole frickin ton.

- m

[jenmaicha]

aug 3: HAPPY ESTHER DAY!! this post is a celebration of you and this blog in honour of it. you’ve mentioned this before but i’m stealing it because that’s the mild dynamic here, but reading back through this tumblr gives me instant euphoria every single time. i don’t know why duo journaling isn’t more of a thing, honestly. i’ve always scoffed at solo journaling because i find it pretty boring and sometimes lonely when i’m in my own head, but having you in here with me sometimes makes it feel cozier, somehow, and less chaotic. thank you for sharing your thoughts and your lovely writing with me, and for reminding me of the good shit when i’m in my weird stagnating spirals. i hope i can do the same, and i can’t wait to see you in person (soon!!). there is no one i‘d rather be sharing my sunsets with, and i love you Very Much.

- j

[jenmaicha]

aug 2: first downtown hamilton sunset! i really liked your mall post. for some reason every time i read about eyes now my mind goes to tj eckleburg and those giant billboard eyes looking over the ash valley. in gatsby, it was probably a metaphor for god (sorta like the watchers in marvel who observe important events but can’t interfere). it’s weird because most of the time writing about eyes goes on about emotions and evocativeness, almost like looking into someone‘s eyes was how you read their mind.

with covid, though, and what you mentioned about how we feel less connected to strangers, looking into someone’s eyes over a mask feels more like looking at tj eckleburg than it does the window of the soul. i don’t know how to feel about that.

- j

[jenmaicha]

july 31: the smoke is making the sunset much more of a gradient than usual. it’s very pretty yet concerning, as you so eloquently wrote about.

just some things i noticed today:

* pride flag in a seniors home

* mailman picking a blackberry bush in someone’s yard

* thinking about how i want to vegetate after eating meat and rice (noodles) (yum)

- m

[jenmaicha]

july 27: the last line of your post GOT me. the smoke where i am wasn't as bad this year, but i will never forget that orange midday sky and paled sun. very stifling, even though we weren't breathing in as much smoke as the people closer to the fires.

this photo is a view i won't have again for a long time (and hopefully the smoke-induced orange will be too for all of us), but i wanted to use it a) because i haven't been walking during sunset hours lately, and b) because it's a strip mall. not a typical one, it was mostly local businesses, but when i was there, i felt similar feelings to those i experience at my local megamall. this is going to be a long one...

way back, i wrote that i planned on writing about malls and eyes. so here goes: after the lockdown ended, the strangest thing was going to that mall (which actually has a name that isn't so different from megamall). i had spent months only seeing my family and the typical fellow person walking or biking around the neighbourhood to keep from being stir crazy. those in the latter category were usually on the opposite side of the street, oftentimes because one of us moved there to prevent a less than 2 metre apart crossing.

walking through the hall of this mall was intense. even though there may have been less people than usual (and not anymore), it felt like a river. everyone moving in one direction was supposed to remain on one side of the hall, but you had to cross over to go to a store on the other side, and some people just didn't, and don't care.

seeing so many eyes, it probably felt unnerving because everyone had a mask. but i couldn't help but think that i also felt uneasy because this was the most people i had seen in many months, and i hadn't had an interaction with a single one of them.

you can immerse yourself in the intensity of a crowd but still feel so lonely.

on a nicer note, based on the few nice interactions i've had in the past year, i want to say that i've somehow improved at talking to strangers since i graduated from high school.

maybe in high school, i was always going from one place to the next, whether it be to a scheduled event or back home.

there was this one time i was walking home from the bus after a school day, and i either noticed an old man walking behind or in front of me. i wondered where he was headed and how come i'd never seen him around (that makes it seem like i lived in a tiny neighbourhood, which i did not, but normally i would only see people in their yards or walking their kids back from school). i was so tempted to talk to him, but i did not. and i most likely had no language barrier excuse.

i felt bad, too. seniors lived in times when people did greet each other. how cold we are nowadays, that we can pass someone on the narrow sidewalk and not even breathe a greeting.

my relatives who have lived in much colder parts of the country think that mine is one of the most isolating cities because we never speak to strangers. they think that because of the weather, even in bigger cities, people will check in on strangers to make sure they're okay.

i like that a lot, but i know that it's not always true. and that wouldn't explain why people may be friendlier in other cities when it's sunnier and warmer.

i know i couldn't live in a small town (i've done it for a full month and that was frankly enough, i need diverse food is what it boils down to). (i didn't say that to the friendly cashier who came from that town).

but having a full conversation with my neighbour isn't too much to ask for of myself, is it?

it most likely won't happen before i leave. i'd be happy to meet our neighbours this august, though!

- m

[jenmaicha]

july 27: i took this photo the day i came back to markham from hamilton. the sky was super hazy because smoke from the fires in northern ontario was being blown south, and when the sun was setting the view outside the car window looked like something out of blade runner. it got me thinking about apocalypses again. the fish mass dying in bc oceans and natural disasters increasing exponentially worldwide probably means that the apocalypse is approaching, right? even though i’m lucky enough to say that for me the apocalypse will probably be one of the boring ones, there was something really melancholy about looking out the window and being able to see hard evidence that things were changing for the worse.

i saw this tweet back when heat records were being broken all over the pacific northwest that went something like “this is the hottest summer in the last hundred years, but also probably the coolest summer in the next hundred”. it’s a little (a lot) depressing how unstoppable climate change feels, this two-hundred-year-long collective action problem finally coming to a head. it really does feel like one of those things that’s near-impossible to feel optimistic about. john found solace in the beauty of sunsets, but what are we to do when the sunsets are clouded by smoke?

- j

[jenmaicha]

july 26: a few kilometres east of markham the condo-and-boba-shop suburbia turns into farmland and yet-untouched wilderness. the roads around there are the one-lane but still well-maintained kind with speed limits of 80 that everyone always goes too fast on because it’s basically impossible to drive at the speed limit when it’s a nice day out and the road in front of you is empty.

ever since i heard the line about only being able to look back on fond memories in anthropocene its always been at the back of my mind. i dislike the idea of happy times — ��golden shelf memories” — only being golden in hindsight. i feel like no matter how aesthetic it is, it’s kind of sad, right? it’s like that line from the office, “i wish someone told me we were in the good old days when we were in them”. it feels like you’re always trying to catch up with what’s happening, like you can never really live in the moment, or live up to it.

i sort of had a thing today, though, however small. i went to ajax and on my way back i hit a really nice stretch of road and this lovely nostalgic song i used to be really obsessed with came on shuffle (it’s about home! a post for another day). i remember looking out the window as i was driving and thinking for the first time in a while about how nice it was. it wasn’t even anything in particular except for the fields and the view. there wasn’t anything remarkable about it, but i noticed that it was the first time in a while where i felt like i was really paying attention to what i was doing and what i was thinking. i started getting ideas about things to post here and random thoughts again. something about why people tend to see everything as metaphors and if it all goes back to wanting everything to have meaning even when it doesn’t. and how maybe that was a good thing? i don’t know.

i don’t know why i started thinking again, but i managed to catch the memory while it was happening, to realize i was having One Of Those Moments before it ended. i started thinking about that john green notes app line about driving alone at night being heartbreak without the melancholy. i guess driving alone on these roads during the day was nostalgia without the longing. i drove back into the city as the song ended, and being back in the presence of the houses and strip malls took the romanticism away. still, i feel it a little now as i’m writing this, and i’m really really glad it happened. if you ever come to markham, i���ll take you on a drive :)

- j

[jenmaicha]

july 26: this is the weirdly amazing view from my local IKEA. things i detest about marketing:

the way ikea looks in all-caps here, but the day ikea buys into lapslock is armageddon.

Superstore (my local Loblaws, it’s interesting that they’re named different things across the country but maybe it’s just what Loblaws took over?) advertising unpeeled yet separate garlic 🧄 cloves as “naturally imperfect.” Sorry, is that not just the summary of all natural things, and who even has an image of perfect garlic cloves? And why would someone buy unpeeled garlic cloves when you can buy peeled garlic cloves, or better yet some naturally packaged-in-delicate-paper garlic?

and the worst of ALL: the Grand Big Mac (TM).

Please! I don’t even want to know what they’re calling it in French or if it’s just a Matcha Green Tea thing in French.

this was a rant but something related to the book i’m reading coming soon (tomorrow?!)

and second shot tomorrow :))

- m

[jenmaicha]

july 18: nighttime-slightly-creepy-picture to fit the hereditary vibe hehe...

- j

[jenmaicha]

july 16: i forgot to take a picture today so this is the view from my sisters apartment building! i was mildly ”productive” today, not really with actual life things but with socialization (and i got a haircut!)

i need to send an email tomorrow and make a peach cobbler for a bbq my family is going to on sunday. i should also do some more course selection research, so i will update this tomorrow with whether or not i got it done. is this the mild self-improvement grind?

i hope all has been well! my haircut ran long so i missed the ocad movie night tonight but i am planning on attending the next one. thank you for the rec hehe.

- j

[jenmaicha]

july 15: ITS BEEN FOREVER IM SORRY (but it’s almost 2am and i’m feeling introspective so this might be a long one).

i went to mississauga with my parents today to help my sister move into a new apartment she rented so she’d be closer to her clerkship hospitals. this picture was taken on the way back. it’s really weird and a little jarring to think of how there are only six years between my sister and me but we’re in such different stages of life.

this morning right after arriving downtown i was in the lobby of the apartment complex and i got hit with a pretty bad dizzy spell. cold sweats, a weird cramp, feeling generally faint. it was probably because i hadn’t eaten much for breakfast or something but my dad got really worried and expressed it in the only way dads know how which was scolding me for going to bed too late/not eating properly/etc.

to be fair, my lifestyle habits have been pretty bad this year (a combination of quarantine and lack of willpower, i guess), and a few months ago i sort of had the realization that eventually i would have to become a Functioning Adult. on the way home (the same trip on which this picture was taken) my dad lectured me about discipline and how the next six or so years of my life would be some of the most important, in terms of learning and self-development.

logically, i know he’s right. like objectively speaking what i do during this time is going to affect my future more than any other decisions i’ve made, and i know that. so why is it so hard to make myself do things? after the aforementioned realization a few months ago i’ve been (somewhat?) trying to hijack myself into having willpower, but the lizard brain is truly an enigma. i’ve never gotten it to stay consistent.

i sort of had a bout of couch potatoey laziness this past week (not the good kind) and it’s probably why i haven’t been as diligent with keeping up with this blog. i want to, though. and i guess it starts with just doing it, right? even if it’s at 2am and is an incomprehensible jumble of word vomit, i’ve found that it is sort of a nice haven that settles my thoughts for a few minutes. i’m going to try and go back to doing these daily or at least once every other day as a baby step to get out of this slump. i should probably also get some sort of reward system, huh?

anyways, sorry again for not posting for three weeks. i am a very bad tumblr-er but i will try to improve! i’ll see you tomorrow :)

- j

[jenmaicha]

july 6: nothing profound today but something introspective coming soon ;)

really really enjoyed both our calls, dopamine all around except time zones frickin suck since helping with dinner is like my one familial responsibility (i am horrible at facetiming/calling people in general so this whole zoom culture is actually an improvement for me in a way)

this photo was taken on a drive on the island

the main reason i wanted to write this post was did you know there are birds called nightjars and rodents called moonrats

and this here is a splendid glossy starling from iNaturalist

now you know :)

see you super soon

- m

[jenmaicha]

june 30: i really really loved your post last week about celebration. before this year, i was never really the type of person to put much emotional value on moments. my parents are (they want to commemorate every birthday and graduation and holiday), but for the longest time i took the apathetic teenager route, being generally indifferent to the passage of time.

i feel like i've repeated this a lot on this blog, but this year i fell in love with the idea that we make our own meanings (and your lovely wording of "we create ourselves"). whoever formalized the "law" of conservation of energy clearly failed to account for whatever the heck is going on in our brains.

congratulations on absolutely destroying first year! because this post is an adequate excuse to write sentimental friendship things, i wanted to use my pseudo-last-post-of-the-school-year to celebrate you. thank you for being a remarkable and steadfast friend, for sharing poetry and music with me (the song you added was lovely, as usual), for always having my back in group chats and always having my back in general, for loving john green and sunsets, for sending me pictures of your immaculate baked goods, for your generosity and thoughtfulness and excellently composed tumblr posts. thank you for being you.

i can't wait to see what the coming years will bring and can't dream of a better person to experience them with.

- j

p.s. these two pictures were taken on the same day like 5 minutes apart. it was insane. the sky was insane. nature is absolutely wild and i love it so g-dang much.

[jenmaicha]

june 23: forget about my 2 previous plans momentarily :^)

on the bus, the person in front of me (below me, so i wasn't creepily watching or anything, it's just where you look when you're sitting on the bus) was reading a red hardcover book with a title or chapter title about the sun (the sun does shine, maybe) and that made me happy, because seeing people read on the bus always makes me happy since unfortunately it's all too rare.

and i also haven't been on the bus in a very long time.

but today, i was off to see two of my favourite friends from high school, and i hadn't seen them since covid shut down school/our homeroom grad ceremony respectively.

anyway, the person seemed to be enjoying their book.

i looked out the window, as i always have on the bus, and when i glanced back, they had taken a photo of their manicured hand on top of the open book.

it kind of ruined the whole thing for me.

their nail polish was warm-coloured, matching the red cover of the book about the sun. they were editing it on a photos app like vsco. i kind of melted unhappily, but it was not enough at all to ruin my evening.

i had the great type of time we tend to have when catching up with good friends, and walked one of them back to her house, past this gorgeous view. welcome to vancouver, it's been waiting for you.