jcv003353

[jcv003353]

I hope when I read this again I’m in a better place, better job, in better health and have the body of my dreams. You deserve all of these even if you don’t think you do. Fuck that voice in your head you can and you will do it.

[jcv003353]

How do you deal with not being enough? No one ever helps you with that. Not being a good enough daughter. Not being a good enough coworker. Not being a good enough friend. Not being good enough to love. Not being a good enough athlete. Like. Damn. When people reassure me that I am enough it’s almost like plugging a hole, like I feel better during the moment but like it’s still there and at some moment it’s going to open up again and it’s this huge cycle. And I feel like the only way to fix it is with my own person plug, the one that fits perfectly the one I actually believe. And it sucks cause I’m definitely the type of human that believes that my best isn’t actually my best I can do more. Like I can be a better friend, I could be a better daughter I can do better but like does that set me up for failure thinking I can do more and feeling that I didn’t do it all when all might even be impossible.

[jcv003353]

Holy shit, it’s been a while since I came on here. It’s now June and the last time I posted was February. Well life update, I got a job, it’s a good paying job it isn’t the one I was waiting for to start. It isn’t really a chemistry based job but it is a lab job. One of the girls I came in with just quit for another opportunity to become a chemist and now I’m panicking.

[jcv003353]

Damn it’s been another month since I wrote. Still have started that damn job. It’s honestly frustrated but I’m look for another job. I can’t keep sitting here doing nothing. Honestly so many things are pointing to the fact that I should give up but honestly fluck that. I’ve accomplished too much to give up because I haven’t gotten a job yet. I put a lot of pressure on myself and it’s easy to get flustered which I am but I do not quit and I will never. I will never give up because this is who I am. Yes I will be sad and depressed about circumstances but I will never give up. But for real fluck this. Honestly I pray every night and beg to just get a job and help my family out but I guess God is teaching me patience so I should be patient and keep applying and never stop.

[jcv003353]

It’s been a long ass time since I posted on here. But happy new year. This year I want to be completely honest with myself and to the people I love.

I’ve landed a job but I’ve been waiting almost 3 months to actually start first month was just bad timing these last two months haven’t heard back. These last two months have be hell mentally. I feel like I’ve put my progress of becoming a full adult on pause, mainly because I haven’t been doing much because I’m waiting to start working. At the moment I’m realizing maybe I should search for another. I really can’t be laying around here and not making money, I need to start helping fanatically, especially cause my student loans are about to hit.

Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been losing the essence of what makes me, me. I struggled with losing an identity but I’m starting to learn I don’t lose the characteristics it has given me. And I like to live life with the philosophy of the way you do one thing is the way your do everything, and I’m stuck in this idea of I should relax cause we’re living a weird life rn but that’s not how I would do it if I were still an athlete so I should keep pushing, keep challenging and stay hungry for a better life. So starting today, I’m going to apply this I want to be the best version of myself in every aspect so why not treat this like a sport.

[jcv003353]

It’s been a long time since I wrote on here. So my brother got Covid and has tested negative several times but his symptoms are even worse now. They diagnosed him with post covid syndrome and he’s afraid he’s going to lose his job due to how long he’s been gone. Honestly this month, this year in general has really been messing with me. I feel like I can’t catch a break. I finally got a job but I have been pushing my start dates due to my quarantine time. Idk if they’re still going to try to onboard me. Honestly, I’ve have never cried so much in a year. And I’ve never been this stressed, depressed and filled with anxiety before. It’s a lot to navigate through and I know I could talk to my friends but like they’ve been listening to me all year.

But to get off the negative side of things. I would like to shed light in all the positives, I got 2 job offers, I got to speak out on a popular social media outlet about topics I am interested and being covid free.

Currently, I’m trying to find reasons to smile.

Goodnight.

[jcv003353]

Well this is a new week.

Every thing that has happened this week has been so interesting. There are so many highs happening so fast. So much good new pouring in that I’m scared for the next week. I always believe in balance, balance of positives and negatives in life. So I’m a bit paranoid which causes me to enjoy all the highs in the moment cause I’m waiting and preparing for the lows to hit. I don’t like to celebrate my highs because I’m so scared of them turning into lows so quickly. I wonder if this is just a me thing.

Also I’ve been home for about almost week straight stuck in a room with the occasional trip to the restroom or kitchen for food. I’m trying to get back into fitness cause maybe it will help me get my mind off of things and doing this helps too. I’m trying to improve my mental health with practices I can do myself. I would love to see a therapist right now but it isn’t in the cards so I guess I stick to this.

For anyone feeling down, like there’s no way out or stuck, just know I got your back. And there is someone out there thinking about you and someone out there who loves you.

Well goodnight. Love y’all

[jcv003353]

The past couple of days have been so off.

Anyone else feeling this way. Literally so weird. I finished a workout program which I was so happy about. Then a lot of my brothers coworkers tested positive for covid. I scheduled a test just in case. My first day was suppose to be today but I just wanted to be extra cautious so now I start in two weeks. Also I had a last minute interview that I literally probably said all the wrong things and the connection was cutting off every other questions. Ugh. Then today I stubbed my pinky toe and the nail is about to fall off and it’s bleeding. This is how the week is going.

[jcv003353]

Job Hunting and Feeling Like the Failure of the Group

Honestly, I’ve always wanted to be come a scientist ever since I was little. And growing up the root of my family’s problem was always money. Knowing this I threw myself at the idea of becoming a scientist one because I’ve always wanted to and two because I could get a great paying job. And let’s emphasize on the could. Well here I am at 22 sitting at my mom’s place inempolyed, on my laptop applying to jobs every single day and yet nothing to show. I know we’re currently living in a weird time ( a damn pandemic) but literally all my friends from college and all my friends from home have jobs related to their field of study. And honestly I’m jealous, upset, depressed and honestly my self confidence is dwindling.

I think I regularly put this pressure on myself, the pressure of being someone successful and has a bright future. I’ve noticed it in sports and honestly in life. I was so afraid to be an amateur at athletics so I practiced as much as I could, I played every weekend before church, I joined club teams (that waived my fee), I played at tournaments as a free agent,I woke up at 5 am to go run and played every game I pushed myself to exhaustion (mentally and physically). I wanted to be someone who was great at what they do, someone people can’t deny to be great. And this was my problem, the sad truth is someone is always going to be better than you, someone is always going to have the upper edge. The definition of best fill in the blanket is constantly changing and honestly is so hard to keep up with. I was chasing something that I could not control, I was chasing something that didn’t give two shits about me. And it honestly sucks because this is what’s happening in my life currently I want to do the best, I want to be someone who’s doing their life right and someone people recognize as doing well. And honestly that’s my problem I look for validation in other people. As long as people were praising me for playing well I felt good even though I was fucking exhausting and honestly so over it in high school. I killed myself so I could be seen as something great and honestly to this day I wish I could see what those people see when they called me great. Nothing will ever be enough for people and people always say be enough for yourself but what if I can’t what if that’s even too much. I’m so scared to admit to failure in life. Games are just games I’ll take fault and then we play another but what about this game of life. This shit is so constant. To battle this feeling I try emphasis on try to think of everyday as a new day, new challenges, new opportunities but honestly it gets so hard when your reminded, that you have no job, no money and no passion.

I hate to end this post in a depressing way. But I’m actively working on things to be passionate about.

Tomorrow is a new day.

✌🏽

[jcv003353]

Identity Loss.

After having to retire early and leave school all cause of Covid, I started to realize I was losing a piece of myself. I’ve been playing sports for 8 years (4 in high school and 4 in college). I don’t like to flex a ton but I’m going to be honest I was decent. But the point is I have identified myself as an athlete for almost half of my life. And losing that one thing so quickly so fast it honestly really took a toll on my mental health. When I got home from the long road trip home with one of my teammates, I was in so much denial and I had hope that we would come back 2 weeks later and continue. But it didn’t happen, here I am 7 months out still kinda hurt. I know my last game would come but I didn’t expect it to be this soon. We were about a month away from senior day and it would be my mom’s first time watching me play on our home field. I hate to dwell on the past but missing this and missing the ending to an identity that I loved and put most of my value into honestly sucks so bad. I always preach about not putting all your eggs in one basket but when your love, happiness and passion are so strong with that one thing it’s so hard. This thought is stored in my mind currently and still makes me shed a tear.

Currently, I’m figuring who I am outside of college, athletics and hometown friend groups. Let me tell you it’s pretty rough, all the things I want to start doing cost money and that’s the thing I don’t have, so convenient right. But honestly, I’m going to figure it out. This topic of identity loss is probably going to come up often. Anyways.

✌🏽

[jcv003353]

Here’s a little get to know me again if anyone will ever see this. I’m not going to expose myself but like basic identities that I will touch base on eventually. And let’s be real when I’m typing some of this shit out it’s most likely going to be while crying, so let’s not harp on my grammar.

Well first off I am a 22 year old not Caucasian cis female. I am heterosexual but I do appreciate beautiful women in general. I’m an Aquarius, I’m kinda into astrology but I’m not going to push that topic cause it might freak people out. Anyways, I grew up in Southern California and went to college in the Midwest. I was 1 out of about 20 Asian people at my school. I was a student athlete for all four years of my time in college. Here’s the despressing part, I’m was a spring athlete and a graduate of the class of 2020 so I really got double whammied by covid, I retired early and no in person graduation. So yeah that sucks. I’m kinda heavy set, I’m lying to myself I’m a big bitch. Obviously no boyfriend if I did I wouldn’t be writing this. I’m still a virgin but kissed a couple of men. Oooo we’ll get into that. I was a STEM student and graduated with a STEM degree and still jobless. Well let’s see where this goes.

Talk to y’all later.

✌🏽

[jcv003353]

Hello world of tumblr!

No clue if anyone will ever find this but honestly I’ve always wanted to put my story, feelings, and thoughts on the internet in hopes to get some sort of outcome. I’m not trying to give advice or for someone to solve my problems. I’m just hoping people can relate and realize they aren’t alone.