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[janetlua]

가족과 나 자신에게 미안하다, 나는 행복하기 위해 최선을 다할 것입니다

There’s so many things I want to get off my chest and I wish I had someone that I trust to share it to. I have come to terms that I can’t keep everything to myself cause it’s going to drive me loco but I can’t help it cause I don’t really have anyone beside me except my siblings. Adding to that, I’m now fearful of opening up to anyone anymore because previous relationships have led me to understand that I am hard to love. Anyhow, I have had a hard time this year and I feel like it’ll only get worse 💔. I’ve convinced myself that I’m just having one of those days but man I’m a little tired ☹️. I resigned from work, it didn’t contribute to my soul and I’m about to pack my stuff and move back home which I have been anticipating to for a while. It is only wise to be around family especially my mother whom I’ve been away from for a long time and I miss our relationship so much 🥺. I prayed on it and gave it to God but there’s still a voice at the back telling me to rethink this, telling me that I failed my family and I am weak. It’s sad to admit that I feel like I’ve been so empty and dead inside. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone so I burden my own self so much and I wish I could tell others that I’m not ignoring them or think I’m too cool to be hanging out with anyone. I am literally fighting this battle at this old age! And I’m so sorry that haven’t been myself in a long time. I promise I will get better nor give up. Love all x

[janetlua]

What a year it has been huh and we just arrived in May 💀. Out of all the things I’ve written and expressed in this app, this has got to be the most “you good?” post thus far. My phase right now should you ask? it’s giving very much I TRUST GOD WITH EVERYTHING and I DON’T ACTUALLY CARE BOUT ANYTHING but what God wants me to do energy lol. I feel like I have found myself again! but so much better! and honestly, I feel unstoppable. And it took everything, literally EVERYTHING! for me to be myself again and that WIN is so much more precious than all the Ls I’ve had, so much! Another reminder that in the midst of our pain there’s also a great blessing in disguise. I don’t care about my studies, my job, my future and just about anything that has caused me migraines. I am just in peace with life and that’s our vibe for 2022. We’ll Psalm 23 it till the end sis and just let God carry us as he promised with or without other people. This picture was the window at the hospital which was next to my bed. Spending almost a month in hospital this was the only view, I decided to take a photo as a reminder of my strength and God ❤️✨. This was an eye opening experience and as lonely as it was laying in that bed I fought to see the blessing and lesson behind all of it. Today, I am grateful to be alive, healed, grateful for my family and I am grateful for myself 🤗. Wishing everyone good health and happiness 🥰

[janetlua]

And yet as you proceed to live on don’t ever think in your mind that the battles will ever go away for good. For there can be no sunshine without a little rain. This past month made me realised that I did sometimes used studies to escape my mental battle or should I say reality. As I’ve finished, I found myself in complete “what now” situation. Fortunately, at this age I know where to go for help. Meditating to his words and praying have helped me and it’s the main reason I aspire to draw closer to God. I know for sure he is the only one that can help me overcome this mind game that exhausted me years ago. I’m learning to love myself, love the people I have in my life even more and be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I’m learning that every-time I find myself in my thoughts I’ll be able to get out and believe it’s just one of them days. Regardless of how tough it’s going to be, FIGHT! THROWHANDS! DO ALL YOU CAN DO TO WIN! To myself, bih why you built like that, kidding…You did not come this far to only come this far. GOT TO WAR 🥰

I was in the middle of straightening my hair and talking to my thoughts 😂

[janetlua]

A beautiful cold sunny day today (17/05/21), I woke up early with the idea of going to church. I got lazy but something kept pushing me to go. I ended up going alone, I was minutes late but I made it. After praise and worship the pastor said there’s a prophetic message and as soon as he said that I knew it was going to be a good message. Long story short I ended up crying recklessly, I needed to hear it I needed to be in his presence and I felt he was talking to me. I cried all the way home and is typing this crying. This whole week I’ve been mentally battling with my own thoughts and things in the past. It was so bad I had a dream about it and I woke up crying so much. The word reminded me today that whenever I’m not confident give it to God, when I’m tired give it to God and the importance of reading his word daily. Just come to him kneel down and pray with a faith like that woman in Mark 5:25-29. She pressed unto Jesus regardless of the crowd for she may only touch his garment she’ll be heal. And she did. I love that Holy Spirit led me today it proved to me that no matter how long you’ve been away from God he’s still following and seeing you ❤️

[janetlua]

I know you didn’t ask but I turned 24 👀🙃 I can’t remember what age I was when I started this but here we are. Times flies when you’re living life hey. Grateful and blessed to even be here living another year yet another day of life. I would’ve not made it here if it wasn’t for God and I’m saying that with my chest. I have so many exciting plans for this Kobe year but arg! As always my anxiety is skyrocketing 😩. Love and light everyone and all the very best for you & whatever journey you’re on 💖💖

[janetlua]

December 31st 2020, it is 11:45pm and I can’t seem to fall asleep. My anxiety and thoughts have kept me up and now the time is 1:02am. While most of the people I know were out partying or with family I was at home in bed reflecting the ups but mostly the painful downs of 2020. I can’t even explain the pain but can only feel it and I felt it throughout this whole year. Only then my anxiety for 2021 spiked, great just great! However, a part of me is proud that I actually held on to uni and not gave up. I always have loved that about myself. Not to brag but I am very determined and I will not stop working hard until I get what I want. Anyway, I cannot seem to fall asleep so I put on some Bishop Paul S. Morton’s songs and right there I am reminded of God and his reckless love. My anxiety was gone and slowly I went to sleep. Here’s a very Happy New Year to you, and to us. May 2021 be the turning point for you. whatever has came and whatever may come may it be your making. Ofa lahi atu x

[janetlua]

Of all the things I’ve wrote on this app, this one has been the hardest. I had to stop every sentence to catch my breath from crying 😭😢. I used to wonder what it’s like to loose a loved one, until.....It was this early morning on the 3rd of March, 2020 that God decided to call you back home. I cry everytime I think about you, your smile, your laugh and your advice. I still remember that phone call, that drive down the road and the moment I ran inside the house. But more importantly, I will forever remember how strong and brave you fought for your heart to beat, maybe just to hear us talk to you one last time 😞. You kind of know that one day your loved one won’t be here but the question is when. You’re never ready for it 💔. My beautiful nena, as much as this hurt a bit of me is at ease knowing that you’re not in pain anymore. Because you’ve endured it all ALONE! You’ve lived your best life, the best I have ever witnessed, the best I want to be and the best that I want to teach people. You are a family oriented woman, I grew up seeing it. Any family occasion from bear and far you will see here there, helping and being presence. Oh how I long to see you weed your garden, walk with you to church or weave your mats one last time 😭 but as hymn 400 says, “‘Oku fai fufunaki pe ae pule ae ‘Otua, koe fuu misiteli ia talu mei mu’a ‘i mu’a” God moves in mysterious ways. On Tuesday, a strange dream woke me up at 9:30AM. I immediately got up, changed and went to the cemetery. As always, I already knew Grandpa will be there so I pulled up at the very back, sat there and weeped 💔 then decided to drive up and greet Grandpa. An hour later I drove off and cried all the way home just missing YOU and YOU alone! 🥺. My humble nena, I miss you every single day, you were the glue of the family and so you will remain. Your presence is what I crave but there’s no doubt heaven is loving you and more. Continue on sleeping in the arms of God our dearest Sesilia Asi Totau and until that glorious morning ✨ please watch over us and our families. Ofa lahi atu H1210 Tallowwood Drive 😭💚 (koe tangi ni pe e osi a fe 😢)

#sleeppeacefullySesilia

[janetlua]

Jordan Year 2️⃣3️⃣ 🥳

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Soooooo......uhmmmmm......I guess nobody finna like me this year cause I’m 23 hey? 😂😂😂😂 wow! 23? Can you believe how fast these years has been? Like I legit had this since I was 15/16 🤦🏽‍♀️ anyhow, Thank you Thank you Thank you father God for blessing me to live this long! Every birthday I am reminded of how blessed and how much you love me! Like I’ve always have said, my resolutions and my New Years always starts after my birthday so here we go! Jordan Year I am so ready for you. This will probably tire me out but I am down for the grind! ready AF to be out of my comfort zone and act like Sakisha! 😂. Happy 23rd to me and me only lmaooooooo! Cheers x

[janetlua]

(I just finished an assignment and I had spare time to pluck these brows)

Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyy..... 💀 I need to stop saying that because honestly who tf is gonna read this, other than God lol. Anyways, it’s September 2019, 1 more month and I’m done with my undergraduate degree 😩 I cannot wait!!! anyways, just wanted to quickly jump on here to malanga LOL. Self comparison have become more and more common these days especially with social media and I actually feel the same pressure but with uni in terms of employment and other similar things. Let’s be honest, I haven’t done jacked about that part of mine but that don’t mean I won’t . I constantly get asked about “what’s your plan? You don’t have a job yet? You need to like right now” or those working students who loves to brag about their job and blah blah blahhhh. I would love for someone to actually remind me that you are only entitle for your own race and just because others are ahead of you don’t mean you won’t get there. I need to tell myself that I run my own life and no matter how long it’ll take for me to get to a comfortable position I need to learn to accept things the way they are and it is very important that I do ACCEPT IT, who cares what Heather and Karen are up to in their life. Focus on yourself! run your own race and love your current situation. One day you’re gonna miss doing jacked but studying lol. wow Janet you sound homeless 💀😂. Oua teke vili taki keke tatau mo Sela pe ko Keleni, tali loto fiemalie pe koe feituu ke iai he taimi ni he’oku iai pe palani moe fokotuutuu ae Eiki ma’au, koia ai ma’u h nonga moha fiemalie. Do things with a full heart, be happy and be kind. AMEN! malo mou me’a mai me’a atu aaaaaa HAHAHAHAHAHA (wtf is wrong with me)

[janetlua]

APOLOGIES but let me rant real quickkk.

today my grades from last semester was released. God knows how hard I’ve worked in past 4 months 😭! it’s so frustrating that no matter how hard you hustle, group works & projects will always drag your grades down. Not to mention I AM ALWAYS THE MOST HARDWORKING member! and I give myself credit for that, every bloody consultantations I was there 8:00AM! representing everyone, every tutorial your girl over there ticking her name! 😭 whatever I do, I put my all into it. I DO NOT CARE! what it is I’m always 100% in. I should be happy still that my GPA kind of improved but I was really hoping for a better increase 🤦🏽‍♀️ HOOOOOI! 0.25 to go and I’ll reach my goal GPA so here’s to the last semester of this dammmm degree!

[janetlua]

(ps: this is what I look like now 💀)

I been silent for the longest right? Lol well this time it was a different silent. Silence of hard work, silence of hustling and silence of prioritising and missing out on things (that I would easily do) because It was much needed. I cannot begin to even talk nor think about myself and how far I’ve come. I have been on a health journey since the beginning of February. I’ve hit the heaviest! I have ever been! I don’t want to be skinny (I actually love big 🤪😂) but I have realised that my health was at the highest risk! What would be the point of dreaming and hustling for a future if I’m not sure I’m gonna even make it there. I made the ultimate decision to sign up to the Gym. My first day at the gym I went back home crying! Crying because I’ve realised the damaged I’ve done to my body! but that was the determination point. This was one of the best decision I’ve made in life! Its been 3 months 😭😭 and I’m almost at 20KG down despite the little stumble during Easter (thanks fam 🙄). Honestly! It’s not easy at all lol I’ve slept through my morning alarms couple time and I’ve even thought of giving up because slow results are discouraging! still I was determined to KEEP GOING. I can tell you that I feel so much better now! mentally, physically and spiritually, of course I have my bad days, I usually just sleep it off, wake up and grind, it don’t stop. Mind you, it the midst of this I’m also completing my 2nd last semester of university 🤦🏽‍♀️. Boy!!! Did this semester tire me out? 100% but I hustled so hard because I don’t want to repeat a course lol. I am super proud of myself for these past three months!!! YES I did THAT! and honestly I promise to keep going because I am still far away from my goal weight plus I just wanna be happy YA KNOW 😂. But yes I am happy, I feel great and determined. Shoutout to all you health conscious people out there ❤️ I’m here (where? Lol) and I’ve finally learnt that no one is born healthy, it’s a GRIND 😅 lessssgoooooooo! ✍🏽💪🏽

[janetlua]

Omfgggg! I’m no longer 21 😭😭😭😭😭. Wish I could stay 21 forever lol but hey, life is fairly unfair right. Been such a blessing 21 I tell ya. I can’t believe by how many shit I have learnt in just a matter of a year. Nevertheless I am thankful, blessed and grateful for everything and everyone in my life. As always my new year doesn’t start until my birthday, so Happy Brand New Year everyone, I pray you stay strong to tackle another year of life. I don’t believe in the “this is gonna be my year” stuff because honestly we all go through shit, so make every year your year. It’s scary because this is my last year in uni but in the bright side how exciting hahah. I am entering this year with full heart and soul. I’m excited to see what’s ahead of me and I am definitely looking forward to celebrate all good times with those that I love. Thank you Jesus for yet another year of life, thank you for all my family and friends and thank you for reminding me every year that I am loved. Cheers to a great adventure and cheers to all my trials waiting ahead of me 💪🏽

*singing “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22”

[janetlua]

This has been the most blessing year of my life. In the beginning of 2018 I myself turned the big 21 WOOP! WOOP! with the sacrifices of my family, they arranged a little gathering in celebrating my birthday. Few days later, I took off on my first ever long flight to the USA, from Hawaii, to NY, to Vegas to San Francisco it was truly a journey of a lifetime. That trip not only filled my soul but I had the pleasure of meeting families and relatives whom I haven’t seen ever! I definitely felt loved and accepted! As I returned back home for my 2nd year of university it hit me so hard. I finally felt all the stress of a uni student, from trying to pave my way of finding a place while trying to catch up with uni. In the end, your girl made, as always GOD IS SOO GOOD!. I made the decision to move back home for trimester 2 as it was quiet, meaning I had to train 3-4 times a week to the Gold Coast for lectures and tutorial. Once again, I made it, and my grade had improved! straight after final exam I was on a plane to SYD and then to Tonga. It was a breath of fresh air! sadly it only lasted a week. Back to the grind I went, I decided to do trimester 3 and although I was planning to do 2 courses I managed to do only one which I’m super proud of. As I now sit and look back on this whole year, it has truly been a blessing and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for God and my family. Now it may seems like it was all sweet and sugary, No. at the same time there was non stop chaos! There were relationships that faded and then there was love that was questionably complicated. I can’t really sit here and exposed those relationship because the truth is, we all once loved each other dearly, we all once ate from one plate and we all once slept under the same roof. While the future is not promised, all I can do is wish them well and blessings on their journey coz such is life, you win some you loose some. I feel like the highlight of my year was reconciling with my father. Our relationship has been strange for the past couple of years but we were fortunate enough to make time for each other and talked through things. I can’t say how much I’ve missed that man. I’ve made a promised when I turned 21 that I was going to forgive and love everybody, specially him and what a way it turned out. My father is still the same old, he couldn’t stop telling me how much He thought of me. I love you dad. There’s one thing that has been on my mind for the last couple days. You see, as I was struggling through the chaos I was running around tryna look for peace. I thought if only I could find peace than maybe everything will just be fine. But I realised the more I looked the more angry and the more tired I was. Today was interesting, after eating breakfast I decided to watch some sermons on YouTube. When I think of sermons the first pastor that comes to mind, is Steven Furtick of the Elevation Church. He was preaching about peace, the one thing I desperately looked for in 2018. He said something that now will live in me forever, “if you seek peace from a person, that person can come and take away your peace, if you place your peace on a situation, situation will change and your peace will be gone” therefore put your peace within you and God because the world will not and can never take it away! I’ve learned that if I wait on people to apologise I’m gonna wait forever, it is important to find peace in the midst of the chaos! So I’m ending 2018 with peace from within, I now will no longer depend on others for my peace, I will now walk WITH peace and not TO peace. again, it has been a truly blessed year. THANK YOU JESUS for pulling me thru. Here’s to new beginning, here’s to many new opportunities, relationships and here’s to finishing my degree. Happy New Years everybody, GO HARD or GO HOME xo

[janetlua]

Don’t let this world make you.

Yes many people have done me wrong in the past, they’ve talked about me, they’ve watched me fall and they’ve watched me struggle. But here’s the thing, I’m not gonna let their action affect me, I’m not gonna turn cold on the inside. So many people have come and go, those who used me and those that hurt me. I’m never gonna let these things make me unkind. I will love till the end, because to know that there’s peace within me is all there is. It’s never okay for me to do others wrong because they’ve done me wrong, I can never wish anything bad on anyone not even my worse enemies. I know who I am, I know my worth and I know that God holds me. So, I’m gonna love and love until there’s no more. I know for sure nobody is perfect and I have made some pretty bad decisions in the past but I’m not gonna let it define me. The best feeling is reuniting with those that hurt you in the past, setting things right and live life freely. There are times I cry for thinking bad of those people and there are times I pray that they get to live their best life. Right now at this age, I am just too educated, too blessed and too grown to hold people against their actions. To forgive others is to forgive yourself. For anyone whom I’ve ever fought with know that I forgive you and I pray that all your dreams come true.

[janetlua]

Last week was one of the best week of my life. If you know KNOW me you know what’s up! lol. I went to Tonga!!!! Yes bihhhhh after 2 and a half years 😭. I will always brag about how beautiful and peaceful it is when I go home. There’s something about Tonga that just speaks to my soul. It is my therapy, LEGIT. Going there gives me strengths! it reminds me of how important it is to hustle hard and never settle for less. I got to reconcile with people that I’ve lost tie with, we got to see each other eye to eye and share the most beautiful family time together. We also celebrated my cousins wedding, the first of us grandkids to get marry and so many more. I’ve ran into friends from high school and families that I have not seen for so long. Most importantly I got to visit my dearest nena 😭. I freaking love Tonga whole heartedly! If I can choose the place for me to live, it will always be Tonga. Tu’a ‘ofa atu ❤️

[janetlua]

Today is “R U OK” day, encouraging and empowering mental health and mental illness. I can’t stress you enough of how very critical it is to take very good care of yourself and of others. Always be kind, you never know what a person is going through. I have made a promise to ask everyone and anyone of how they are doing because we can literally walk around with a smile on our face but in reality, we’re so broken inside. I myself have come a long way, I get so emotional by the littlest thing. I’ve been through hell and so my mental stability is as weak as a 90 year old energy. To everyone going through any mental illness know that you are not alone, know that there is help, know that it is not a sign of weakness, know that you are loved, know that you are valued, know that you were born with a purpose, know that God loves you abundantly! the most scariest shit about mental illness is not knowing why the fuck you’re feeling like that and I want you to know that everything is going to be okay. Cry if you want to cry because it’s not about letting go it’s about letting it out!, just take good care of yourself. Take a break, breathe and please love yourself before anyone. It is okay if everything you did today was breathing, you’ve made it this far! that’s is progressing 🙏🏽 to everyone with any mental illness, understand your brain has a world of its own, don’t believe what it’s saying or even thinking. You have the power to be you. So go out there and save a life by just simply asking “R U OK?” to yourself and to anyone.

[janetlua]

no matter how bad and passionate I hate someone I can never ever go as far as to destroy them or use any of their weakness against them. I think when people know they’re guilty they will try anything in their power to push you to the bottom in shading their mistakes. “It is okay to be angry, but it is never okay to be cruel” everyone is entitled to their own emotions but if you think that being cruel can make you feel better? think again. Because whatever you say or whatever you do is a reflection of your own self. Remember how they say that bullies bully others because they’re insecure about themselves or that they are abused at home. It is the same damm thing with this situation. If you think that making someone look bad is okay, well it tells us about yourself. If you tell Susan what Sarah said, it says more about you than Sarah. We all go through shits in life but what is important is how you react and your attitude towards it. There’s a saying in Tongan that goes “Koe lelei pe ho loto, koe lelei ia e me’a kotoa” meaning, when you’re heart and intention is pure everything will be pure. So, think before you open your mouth. Always think ahead, don’t let your anger speak for the beautiful person you are. And whatever you will do, you are always responsible for how you act no matter how you feel. If there are times where you let your feelings speak in your behalf you will need to take responsibility of the consequences and do NOT play the victim because you literally created the circumstances. I cannot stress you enough on how important it is to control your emotions. When you’re angry it is better you zip your lips, because anger is SATAN. And for anyone I’ve ever hated or mad at know that I actually pray you hit all the goals you’re tryna reach in life, I can never stay angry forever. And please never wish anything negative on anyone, even your worse enemies. Remember you can’t end a war with war, KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS 🙏🏽 #LevelUpbihhh